In this recommended counseling program, the couple must agree to complete the assignments given during the time of training. Several books, tapes, and tests are used in the assignments. Many books could be used; each counselor will probably have certain volumes that appeal to him. In this handbook I outline a curriculum that specifies four books for the couple, one additional for the man and the woman, and two audio tape series.
Significantly, the counselor will benefit greatly by being widely read in the area of marriage and family, as some books are more applicable for one couple than for another.
When the couple comes for the first session it is vital that they be told that they will probably spend fifty to sixty hours of work outside the sessions. They should look over their schedules and arrange time for study and discussion. That is another reason the actual counseling should take place well ahead of the wedding, for wedding preparations could end up taking precedence over the counseling and its homework.
Prior to the initial session, the counselor should give three individual tests to the couple, who also should write out ten indications as to “Why this is the time of my life to marry” and “Twelve specific reasons why I want to marry this person.” These must be completed and sent back to the church or person conducting the premarital counseling. None of the tests or the written work is to be discussed by the couple. The three tests that we use are the Family History Analysis, the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis,® and the PREPARE II Inventory.
In addition to the testing, which is an essential part of the premarital process (sessions 2 to 5 are spent discussing the results of the testing), each couple will study books and tapes as part of the requirement.
Each person will read and complete the workbook Before You Say I Do and So You’re Getting Married. If this is a remarriage, the book Before You Remarry would replace Before You Say I Do. Each person will need a copy of each book. In addition, each will read the book How To Speak Your Spouse’s Language by this author. One copy is sufficient per couple. This book lays the groundwork for learning to speak a partner’s language. The man will also read If Only He Knew, by Gary Smalley, and the woman will read my Understanding the Man in Your Life. I also ask the couples to read two chapters from The Mystery of Marriage—“Love” and “Wedding Vows”—and to share a summary of what the chapters said to them.
These are the basic books needed. In many cases the counselor may choose additional resources based upon the results of the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis test.
The couple should listen to the tape series on sexuality by Dr. Ed Wheat, “Before the Wedding Night.” They also listen to Larry Burkett’s series on finances, “Your Finances in Changing Times.” This last series is very extensive and contains six tapes. I usually have the couple use this series after the sixth session of premarital counseling and give them two months in which to work through the tapes. This actually extends the process of premarital counseling.
All couples purchase their own books, but we do loan them the tape series. The counseling pastor also should have the books and tapes accessible at the church, including several sets of the tapes. And it is essential that you, the counselor, read the books and listen to the tapes prior to seeing any couples in order to properly discuss the material with them and answer their questions. In addition to the couple’s purchasing the books, you may want to include an amount in the wedding service fee to cover tape breakage and loss as well as the cost of the various tests. (PREPARE II costs $21.00 per couple. Approximately $1.00 for the Family History Analysis and $2.00 for the T-JTA would cover your own costs for those tests.)
One series of video tapes suitable for classes or to send home with the couple is called “Before You Say I Do.” Produced by Evangelical Films, the series features four speakers: Tim and Beverly LaHaye on sexuality, Larry Burkett on finances, and this author on the specific issues of marriage. All of the books, tapes, and videos are available from Christian Marriage Enrichment, 17821 17th St. Ste.# 290, Tustin, CA 92680.
The chart “Premarital Assignments” shows the recommended content and preparation for six premarital sessions. The seventh and final session occurs nine months to a year after the wedding. During this marital evaluation and enrichment session I ask two questions of each partner, which I believe is all that is needed to use the time effectively. The questions are: What are the most positive experiences you have had during the first six months of marriage? Where have you had the greatest difficulty during the past six months?
The Family History Analysis (FHA) is the newest tool to be used in premarital preparation.1 This eight-page fill-in form is designed to help couples become aware of how the families from which they have come will influence their own style of marriage. Each person brings to his or her own marriage a model of marriage; marital dreams, expectations, attitudes, and behaviors are not innate. Some will tend to repeat the pattern of their parents’ marriage. Others will exercise energy and effort in trying to prevent their parents’ marital dynamics from infiltrating their own. Thus they tend to behave and react in the opposite manner.
The counselor should give the FHA to the couple prior to the first session; they return it to the minister or counselor at session one so that he will have an opportunity to read through the form and indicate significant items. At the conclusion of the first session he returns the forms to the couple so they can discuss those items before the second session. Often much of the content of the second session will involve information derived from the FHA. The value of this form is that it will help couples become aware of their past and how it might affect their future. It will assist them in gaining the freedom to develop their own style of marriage.
Chapter 3 of Before You Say I Do can be used for devotions on the couple’s honeymoon.
RESOURCES:
Burkett, Larry. “Your Finances in Changing Times,” tape series, Moody.
Mason, Mike. The Mystery of Marriage. Portland, Oreg.: Multnomah, 1985.
Smalley Gary, and Steve Scott. If Only He Knew. Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 1982.
Wright, Norman. How to Speak Your Spouse’s Language. Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1988.
______.So You’re Getting Married. Ventura, Calif.: Regal, 1985.
Wright, Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say I Do. Eugene, Oreg.: Harvest House, 1978.
Wheat, Ed. “Before the Wedding Night,” tape series, Springdale, Ark.: Scriptural Counsel
Family History Section. Here is a portion of the instructions for using the FHA Family History Section.
1. Upon receiving the FHAs, prior to the initial session with the couple, read over each one from beginning to end carefully and note any outstanding features. Then compare the two to note similarities and differences.
Note that you are looking for their perception of positive and negative responses of their parents—How might these feelings affect their response to their new spouse and his/her parents? What type of expectations do they have because of their relationship with their own parents? A man or woman might desire parental similarities within their spouse. This expectation, however, could lead to conflict. Some may purposely choose a partner who has characteristics opposite those of their parents because of a negative relationship. Or they could choose someone with similar negative characteristics as a parent with the hope of reforming this person.
2. Patterns of emotional expression and communication in the past can affect this new relationship—expectations both negative and positive will need to be explored.
3. Parents’ expectations for a son’s or daughter’s life goal may have an influence upon whom one chooses, such as their continuing education, where they live, etc. Do parents have goals for them? Have the goals been fulfilled? How strong are the parents’ expectations that these goals be attained? What are the individual reactions to the goals? These are a few of the questions or issues which may need to be discussed.2
Birth Order Considerations. It is important to note the number of brothers and sisters and the individual’s own position in the family order. Was he the oldest, youngest, or middle child? Was he the oldest of brothers or sisters? If they were the youngest, were the others brothers or sisters? For example, if the man is the oldest child and had three younger sisters and the woman was the oldest child and had younger brothers, how might that affect the marital relationship? Or suppose the woman was the oldest sister with younger brothers and the man was the youngest child in his family, and had older sisters. How will that affect the marriage?
One theory holds that sibling position can be looked upon as a role that a person has learned in the family and has the tendency to assume in situations outside of the family These roles may be quite similar or modified. That theory is discussed in detail in Family Constellation, by Walter Toman (Springer Publishers) and in a newer book, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Patterns in Individual and Family Therapy, by Margaret M. Hoopes and James M. Harper (Aspen Publishers). Though the concept remains only theory, it does warrant consideration, especially in establishing a marital relationship. For an example of how birth order characteristics can affect adjustment in marriage, see Hoopes and Harper, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Patterns, pages 35–43.
Knowing the birth order of a person is helpful in understanding his or her tendencies, or “his peculiar bent.” The birth position can affect the relationship to his/her partner. For instance, consider what happens when (as it often does) a firstborn marries a secondborn.
A secondborn, whether male or female, is often difficult to describe or generalize about. So often, her lifestyle is determined by her perception since she plays off the firstborn. The tendency is to be the opposite of the firstborn. She could be a pleasant pleaser or an antagonistic person, a controller or manipulator, a victim or a martyr.
Secondborns have good emotional antennae. They are able to identify the emotional needs and feelings of others. As they interact with others they tend to be tender, sensitive, and caring. Quite often they act on feelings and intuition rather than facts. They pick up subtle messages that others fail to notice.
Since they are usually not as structured as firstborns, secondborns are freer in their interpersonal relationships. They might even ask inappropriate questions, or give too much information. They are often more concerned about getting the job done correctly than a firstborn and focus on the details. In a task setting they will also pick up the emotional undercurrent and respond to that. Often they tend to add stability to a relationship by their tendency to adapt easily to another’s style of responding. In the communication process a secondborn individual will tend to zero in on implicit messages, feelings, and process more than actual content. This can be frustrating if one is married to a person who focuses on the apparent and obvious bottom-line content. But don’t be surprised if this same person responds totally to feelings at one time and then deals with facts to the exclusion of feelings at yet another time.
Secondborns tend to draw close to others quickly in contrast to the firstborn. Because they are adept at picking up subtle emotional cues, they are alert to the intimacy needs of other people. Their intuition level helps them know what others are experiencing, often before the other person is even aware. They are good at sensing but have difficulty translating it clearly into factual statements. They need more assistance from others with intellectual intimacy. It helps if their partner engages them in factual intellectual conversations. They can develop into even better communicators by becoming more explicit verbally and by not assuming that others understand what they know and are thinking.
What happens if a firstborn and a secondborn marry? Both have the ability to talk about facts, so this level of communication will function well. They can both communicate on thoughts, interpretations, and ideas. Sometimes, though, when a secondborn is responding emotionally, and the firstborn factually, they will talk past one another. Firstborns can help their partners when they are too engrossed in emotions. Secondborns can encourage their partners to become aware of the emotional side of life, which they tend to overlook. Sometimes firstborns become so involved and independent in what they are doing that their spouses may feel rejected and left out.
Firstborns do well in a marriage when their partner confirms that they do their tasks well. They also appreciate knowing that they do well in social situations. It is important for secondborns to make sure their messages, expressions of encouragement and approval, are crystal clear and obvious. Firstborns don’t do well with subtleties.
A secondborn spouse needs to know his partner values him and that he is important in the marital relationship. Both obvious and subtle messages get through to the secondborn.
Both firstborns and secondborns tend to feel responsible for their original families. This could cause difficulties within the marriage. Secondborns tend to bring more unresolved emotional issues with them into their marriages. If these issues continue unresolved they may begin to resurface in the marriage.3
This is just one way in which to consider differences and assist the couple in their future relationship. If you are interested in exploring birth order differences further, for the most detailed analysis available see Birthorder Roles and Sibling Patterns, by Hoopes and Harper. Another highly informative book is Were You Born for Each Other? by Kevin Leman.
The parents’ history. The parents’ history section on the Family History Analysis is very helpful in understanding influences and attitudes of each person. The section will explore seven areas:
1. The economic history and future expectations. Some individuals desire a different economic lifestyle and others a similar pattern. How will this affect the marriage?
2. The happiness ranking of the parents’ marriage and the personal relationship with either parent. As you note the results, focus on the factors that made these relationships this way. What influence will these have upon the new marriage?
3. Birth position in the family. The position among brothers and sisters can be significant, as stated earlier.
4. Decision making, influence, and style of negotiation. What are their feelings about the familiar style? How will this affect their own marriage? What changes do they desire? How will they bring about a change?
5. Similarities and differences. Are the similarities or differences desirable? What if their partner changes in the future? What are their feelings about the changes?
6. Descriptive adjectives. The adjectives can indicate a positive or negative self-concept. Note if they stand out as unique or different in relationship to others that they compare these adjectives to. What types of people do they feel most comfortable with? How do they respond to others with these characteristics?
7. Dependency on parents. Is there an indication of dependency? If so, in what area, and how will this affect the marriage?
Listed on the following page are a few of the actual questions from this form so that you may see how it can be used. “Family History—Father and Mother” is an excerpt of some of the actual questions from this form and shows how the counselor can promote discussion of the family history.
Here are some sample responses I have received on the FHA. Some people will give the counselor detailed and elaborate responses. This gives insight into their thinking and expression style as well as their personality.
1. List what you feel are the positive qualities of your father.
My father believes in people. He trusts God’s hand in all things. His family has always been his priority in life, and his faith has been strong in the Lord. He is not influenced by outward circumstances, and does not give in to materialism and negativity easily He has stood fast in God and the church. He is emotional, loving, gentle, caring, and supportive in other peoples’ cares, desires, needs, and problems.
FAMILY HISTORY—FATHER AND MOTHER
I would like to know about your father. (If you have a stepfather, please describe the one you feel closest to or the one you regard as your father.)
1. List what you feel are the positive qualities of your father.
2. List what you feel are the negative qualities of your father.
3. Describe how you feel about your father.
4. What emotions does he express openly and how?
5. Describe how you and your father communicate.
6. Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your father.
7. What was/is your father’s goal for your life?
In making decisions or solving interpersonal conflicts, people use different styles of negotiation for handling conflict. Please indicate the style of each family member by placing a check mark in the appropriate column.
Where on the following line would you place yourself currently in relationship to your parents?
Who managed the finances in your family?
Describe how your mother and father demonstrated affection to one another and to you.
2. List what you feel are the negative qualities of your father.
A bit too trusting at times. Maybe a little too emotional about some practical issues. At times materialism plays a practical part in the human life. My father disregards the practical applications which may become a disadvantage for himself as well as the family. Nevertheless, his commitment to his faith prevents him from capitalizing on earthly/human opportunities.
3. Describe how you feel about your father.
I am not in agreement as to his human and practical decisions. Not happy with his commitments at times. Feel sorry for missed opportunities, benefits, and advantages. However, I am fully satisfied with his commitment to God, his commitment to his family, his decisions of compassion, goodwill, support, and care. I am proud of my father for his efforts and achievements in adverse conditions. I am very satisfied as to how he taught us to love the Lord and make God, church and family our priority.
4. What emotions does he express openly and how?
He displays love, care, concerns, ambitions, desires, and also some negative feelings of anger, subordination, stubbornness, fears, insecurities, misunderstandings.
5. Describe how you and your father communicate.
We argue points and issues. We talk freely. We assist each other by supplying needs and wants. We compliment each other for a job well done, for accomplishments, for our attitudes to others. We work to reach common goals and objectives. We argue our disagreements.
Don’t be surprised if you receive some brief and simple responses, such as the following:
1. List what you feel are the positive qualities of your father. Strong-willed, determination.
2. List what you feel are the negative qualities of your father. Closed mind, set in ways.
3. Describe how you feel about your father. Have no relationship now.
4. What emotions does he express openly and how? Shows love by buying or doing.
5. Describe how you and your father communicate. Talking to arguing.
Below are the responses from a woman in her twenties. Needless to say, the substance of her responses changed the direction of the premarital counseling. It’s not uncommon for a person to be drawn to someone similar to a parent with whom they have an unfulfilled relationship. Her fiance, unfortunately, was much more controlling, angry, and dogmatic. After three sessions and a three-month wait between the third and fourth session, the woman began to recognize what was not so obvious to her before and broke off the relationship. What do her responses tell you about herself, her relationships, and future problems?
1. List what you feel are the positive qualities of your father.
—Is dependable
—Willing to provide for family
—He’s organized and intelligent
2. List what you feel are the negative qualities of your father.
He’s impatient, insensitive, critical, easily angered, has a harsh tongue, and is overly hard-working at the expense of neglecting his family.
3. Describe how you feel about your father.
I appreciate all he has provided for me, but I resent the way he treats my mother. He yells at her in public, even in front of my friends, and is always ridiculing her.
4. What emotions does he express openly and how?
He expresses frustration and anger by criticizing my mother all the time. At the dinner table he always finds something to complain about.
5. Describe how you and your father communicate.
We only communicate about trivial things and rarely get down to gut feelings or emotions. I no longer share very many things with him at all about my fiance since I know he does not share my joy He usually likes to talk about business, and I usually don’t even understand what he’s talking about.
6. Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your father.
I’ve never enjoyed being with my father. I can only think of one pleasant memory.
7. In what way is your fiance similar and dissimilar to your parents?
My fiance is like my father in that he is very stubborn and authoritative. He is unlike him in that he has a completely different pattern of thinking, has more patience. He does not take his frustrations out on me. He also has a temper, but it usually comes out when he sees others violating what he considers to be Christian principles, not out of selfishness.
The major test used in premarital counseling is the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis® (T-JTA).* The American Institute of Family Relations has given this test to more than 70,000 couples over the years, and thousands of other counselors and ministers have used it extensively. It is used for individual, premarital, marital, and family counseling, business and industry placement, placement of Sunday school teachers, evaluation of counselors for Christian camps, and assessment of college and seminary students.
The test requires between thirty and forty-five minutes to complete. The profile derived from the test is very readable; lay people can understand it readily. Norms for the test are available for high school, college, and adult ages. It is important to remember that a minister must take a training course in order to qualify to administer and work with the test. Many seminaries give that training. Numerous one-day seminars are conducted throughout the United States that qualify ministers and counselors to use this test. For information regarding a seminar in your area write to Christian Marriage Enrichment, or to the test publisher, Psychological Publications (5300 Hollywood Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90027).
The T-JTA can be used with individuals, couples, or families. The test manual states that the T-JTA “is designed primarily to provide an evaluation in visual form showing a person’s feelings about himself at the time when he answered the questions.” But it also reflects who the person is over a longer period of time as well. Although the T-JTA is not designed to measure mental abnormalities in psychiatric terms, it does provide measures of temperament and personality patterns with sufficient validity and reliability for emotionally normal couples in a developmental-educational premarital counseling context. It can also assist in identifying persons who might benefit from more individual or marital counseling.
The T-JTA manual is thorough and complete. The T-JTA itself is available in two levels of difficulty, the regular edition, at the eighth-grade reading level, and the secondary edition, at the fifth-grade reading level. It is available in Braille and is published in a number of foreign languages (Spanish, German, French, Taiwanese) with appropriate norms. Before the couple comes for their first counseling session, they are asked to take the test. They may pick up the forms at the church office, or the forms may be mailed to them. The counselor goes over the instructions with them before they take the test. Each one takes it twice. The woman takes it as she sees herself, and then as she sees her fiance. He takes the test as he sees himself and then as he sees her. This criss-cross testing provides invaluable information on each person’s perception of himself or herself and of the partner and saves several hours of counseling.
After the use of the T-JTA criss-cross in premarital counseling, the typical response of couples is that they have gained great insight regarding themselves and their partner. The scales are comprehensive, yet easily understood and quite descriptive in their presentation of information. One of the distinct advantages of this tool is the readability of the profile. The shaded areas on the profile are designed to provide immediate information to the couple about traits that relate to successful and unsuccessful relationships.
Since many emotional problems, such as uncontrolled anger, depression, worry, lack of empathy, or a low self-image, are at the heart of numerous marital problems, it is crucial to take an intense look at the emotional areas. On the following pages are four profiles of a married couple, Richard and Helen Brown (not their real names). The first two profiles show the scores for themselves; the final two display the criss-cross. Look at the profiles, noting the nine traits and their definitions and the four shaded areas (from “excellent” to “improvement urgent”). Study the areas of difference in which Richard and Helen both have strengths and weaknesses. These areas could be problem areas between them as well.
By having the test returned to you before the couple’s first session, you will have time to score the forms before you meet with them. Even though you do not go over the results until the individual sessions, you may want to probe into certain areas of their lives or relationships in this first session because of what the tests have revealed.
It is essential that anyone using the T-JTA be properly trained and follow the specific guidelines in interpreting and presenting back the results.
Another helpful tool is the Premarital Personal and Relationship Evaluation, known as PREPARE II. This scientifically developed instrument is designed to assess the personal and relationship strengths and problematic issues for couples. It has been designed as a diagnostic tool for professionals working with premarital couples in either educational or counseling programs.
PREPARE II is a 125-item procedure that assesses attitudes and personal issues in twelve areas:
Communication
Conflict Resolution
Sexual Relationship
Financial Management
Realistic Expectations
Religious Orientation
Equalitarian Roles
Family and Friends
Children and Marriage
Personality Issues
Leisure Activities
Idealistic Distortion
The computer results can be readily obtained and include a seven- to ten-page analysis, which is easily interpreted. Results are returned within one week from the time they are received.4
PREPARE II results provide individual (male and female) scores and couple scores for each of the twelve categories. Individual percentile scores and revised percentile scores that correct for an individual’s “faking good” are provided. Couple agreement and disagreement scores are provided to indicate potential strengths and problematic areas for couples. Both individual and couple scores are compared with continually updated norms based on all couples who have taken PREPARE II.
Also listed are all the disagreement, special focus, and indecision items. The entire sentence and couple scores are fully printed for each of these items. A counselor’s manual describes how to interpret and use the computerized results with couples.
Fowers reported positive findings in his study “Predicting Marital Success and Divorce Using Prepare.” Here is his summary of PREPARE’s validity:
To test the predictive validity of PREPARE, this study was conducted to assess how well PREPARE scores could predict couples who are happily married from those who were unhappily married, separated or divorced. These couples had been married an average of 2 years and took PREPARE about 3 or 4 months before marriage.
PREPARE proved to be very accurate at predicting marital success in these couples. Using PREPARE scores (individual, positive couple agreement and background), it was possible to predict with 86% accuracy those couples that eventually got divorced and with 78% accuracy those couples who were happily married. The average prediction rate for both groups was 81%.
The PREPARE categories that were most predictive of marital success were: realistic expectations, personality issues, communication, conflict resolution and religious orientation. Couples who had relationship strength (scored high) on these categories had a higher probability of being happily married and those who had these as work areas (scored low) had a higher probability of being unhappily married.
Another significant finding was regarding pre-marital couples who took PREPARE and later decided not to marry. About 10% of the couples who took PREPARE eventually decided to delay or cancel their marriage. In comparing these couples with the unsuccessful and successful groups, it appears that couples who delayed were very similar to those who later got divorced and very different from those that were happily married.5
The following are descriptions of the areas PREPARE will evaluate.
Idealistic Distortion. This category is a modified version of Edmonds (1967) Marital Conventionalization Scale. This scale has been well validated and correlates highly with other scales that measure the tendency of individuals to answer personal questions in a socially desirable direction. Since premarital couples tend to be highly idealistic, this scale is intended to assess the degree to which individuals attempt to present themselves in a highly favorable and often exaggerated way. Moderately high scores identify individuals who are responding in a way that presents a favorable impression of their relationship. Questions are extreme and therefore reflect a tendency that in all likelihood permeates the entire inventory and must be carefully attended.
Realistic Expectations. This category assesses the rational quality of an individual’s expectations about marriage, love, commitment, and relationship conflicts. The intent of these items is to ascertain the degree to which expectations about marriage relationships are realistic and grounded in objective reflection. Low scores would suggest that individuals are too romantic or idealistic in their perception of marriage. In general, moderately high scores in this category reflect realistic expectations about relationship issues.
Personality Issues. This category assesses an individual’s perception of the personality characteristics of his partner and the level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with that perception. Items focus on traits such as sense of humor, temper, moodiness, stubbornness, jealousy, and possessiveness. Respondents also disclose personal behaviors and attitudes related to demonstration of affection, smoking, and drinking. Moderately high scores in this category are intended to reflect personal adjustment to partner and approval of partner’s behavior.
Equalitarian Roles. This category assesses an individual’s beliefs and feelings about various marital and family roles. Items include occupational roles, household roles, sex roles, and parental roles. Individuals respond to these questions and reveal information about their satisfaction with assuming particular role behaviors. There is an implied bias in the scale toward equalitarian versus traditional role behaviors. For that reason, moderately high scores would reflect flexibility and satisfaction with equalitarian role positions. Moderately low scores would reflect a more traditional role position and may or may not be problematic for the couple.
Communication. This category is concerned with an individual’s feelings, beliefs, and attitudes toward the role of communication in the maintenance of marital relationships. Items focus on the ability of respondents to express important emotions and beliefs, the ability to listen to one’s partner, the ability to respond appropriately in certain situations, and on the style or pattern of communication that exists between partners. Moderately high scores reflect an awareness of the communication skills necessary to maintain a relationship and an ability to use them.
Conflict Resolution. This category assesses an individual’s attitudes, feelings, and beliefs toward the existence and resolution of conflict in relationships. Items pertain to strategies used to end arguments, satisfaction with the way problems are resolved, and the openness of relationship partners to recognize and resolve issues. Moderately high scores reflect realistic attitudes about the probability of relationship conflicts and satisfaction with the way most problems are handled.
Financial Management. This category focuses on attitudes and concerns about the way economics are to be managed in the family. Items assess the tendencies of individuals to be spenders or savers, the care in which financial decisions on major purchases are made, and decisions regarding the person or persons who will be in charge of specific financial matters. Satisfaction with economic status and responsibility for money management is indirectly assessed. Moderately high scores reflect satisfaction with financial management and realistic attitudes toward financial matters.
Leisure Activities. This category assesses each individual’s preferences for spending free time. Items reflect social versus personal activities, active versus passive interests, shared versus individual preferences, and expectations as to whether leisure time should be spent together or balanced between separate and joint activities. Moderately high scores reflect compatibility, flexibility, and/or consensus about the use of leisure time activities.
Sexual Relationship. This category assesses individual feelings and concerns about the affectionate and sexual relationship with the partner. Items reflect satisfaction with expressions of affection, level of comfort in discussion of sexual issues, attitudes toward sexual behavior and intercourse, birth control decisions, and feelings about sexual fidelity. Moderately high scores reflect satisfaction with affectionate expressions and a positive attitude about the role of sexuality in marriage.
Each partner indicates his level of agreement to each of the 125 statements using the following scale: (1) strongly agree, (2) moderately agree, (3) neither agree nor disagree, (4) moderately disagree, (5) strongly disagree. The computer printout clearly shows areas of disagreement as well as the couple’s overall scores.
The following three charts depict a sample printout of the overall scores and their comparison with the norms, and point out special situations and personality issues between the counselees.6
***DISAGREEMENT ITEMS***
The full 13–15 page printout gives the disagreement, indecision, special focus, and agreement for each of the 11 categories (but not for idealistic distortion).
8. M = 4. F = 2.
There are times when I am bothered by my partner’s jealousy
115. M = 5. F = 2.
At times I think my partner depends on me too much.
125. M = 4. F=l.
Sometimes my partner is too stubborn.
***SPECIAL FOCUS ITEMS***
Although “special focus” items are agreement, it should be noted that they are agreeing to things that may be problems in their relationship.
24. M = 2. F = 2.
At times I am concerned that my partner appears to be unhappy and withdrawn.
30. M = l. F = l.
I wish my partner would smoke and/or drink less.
78. M = l. F = 2.
It bothers me that my partner is often late.
Another instrument that is widely used is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. The MBTI is an easy-to-use instrument that classifies individuals in one of sixteen personality types. This reflects an individual’s preference in how they perceive information and make decisions. It also shows their preferred orientation to life and preferred ways of dealing with people, ideas, schedules, and the world around them. The results are presented in positive terms that emphasize the strengths of each individual type and the ways in which each person can better understand and build and encourage others. It does not measure possible emotional differences as does the T-JTA.
The MBTI can be used to identify differences and assist others in personal growth, making decisions, enhancing relationships, and increasing organizational effectiveness. It can be used in individual, premarital, marital, and family counseling.
According to the theory behind this test, every person is born with a predisposition for certain personality preferences. There are four pairs of preference alternatives. In each category a person is either:
| Extroverted | or | Introverted (EI) |
| Sensing | or | Intuitive (SN) |
| Thinking | or | Feeling (TF) |
| Judging | or | Perceiving (JP) |
Furthermore, the theory proposes that each person develops a preference early in life and sticks with it. The more one practices those preferences—intentionally or unintentionally—the more they rely on them with confidence and strength. That does not mean we are incapable of using our nonpreferences from time to time. In fact, the more we mature, the more our nonpreferences add richness and dimension to our lives. However, they never take the place of our original preferences. So, an extrovert never becomes an introvert, and vice versa.
Here are some descriptions of the first three preference alternatives:
Extroversion/introversion (E/I). The extrovert derives stimulation from the environment, the outer world of people and things. The introvert’s stimulation comes from within, the inner world of thoughts and reflections. Everyone uses both attitudes, but one is usually preferred and better developed.
Some characteristics are:
Extrovert
Energized by other people and external experiences
Acts, then (maybe) reflects
Is often friendly, talkative, easy to know, outgoing
Expresses emotions
Gives breadth to life
Introvert
Energized by inner resources, internal experiences; exhausted by too much contact with people
Reflects, then (maybe) acts
Is often reserved, quiet, hard to know
Tends to bottle up emotions
Likes privacy
Gives depth to life
E’s may seem shallow to I’s; I’s may seem withdrawn to E’s. Extroverts use both E and I, but prefer E. Introverts use both E and I, but prefer I. In our society, there are approximately three extroverts for every introvert.
Sensing/Intuition (S/N). These are known as “perceiving functions,” as they describe two ways of perceiving or taking in information: sensing and intuiting. With sensors, the sensing function takes in information by way of the five senses: sight, sound, feel, taste, and smell. Seventy percent of our society are sensors.
In contrast, 30 percent of our population are intuitives, processing information by way of a sixth sense or hunch.
Both ways of perceiving and taking in information are used by everyone. But one is usually preferred and better developed. Some people have one that is very highly developed whereas others are quite close with each one.
Some of the characteristics are:
Sensing
Looks at the parts and pieces of something
Lives in the present, enjoys what’s there
Likes to handle practical matters
Prefers things that are definite, measurable, tangible
Starts at the beginning, taking one step at a time
Reads instructions and notices details and thinks everyone should
Likes set procedures, established routine
Intuition
Likes to look at patterns and relationships
Focuses on the future, anticipating what might be
Prefers to imagine possibilities, speculates
Likes opportunities for being inventive
Tends to jump in anywhere; by-passes some steps
Skips directions, follows hunches
Likes change and variety
Sensors may seem too materialistic and literal-minded to intuitives; intuitives may seem fickle, impractical dreamers to sensors.
Sensing types use both the sensing (S) and intuiting function (N), but prefer S. Intuitive types use both S and N, but prefer N.
Thinking/Feeling (T/F). These are known as “deciding functions,” as they describe two different ways of deciding or evaluating. The thinking function (T) decides on the basis of logic and objective considerations. The feeling function (F) decides on the basis of personal subjective values.
Both ways of deciding and evaluating are used by everyone, but again one is usually preferred and better developed.
Some of the characteristics are:
Thinking
Decides with the head
Uses logic
Has a concern for truth, justice
Sees things as an onlooker, from outside the situation
Takes an overall, long-range view
Spontaneously finds flaws and criticizes
Good at analyzing plans
Feeling
Decides with the heart
Goes by personal convictions
Concerned for relationships and harmony
Sees things as a participant, from within a situation
Takes an immediate and personal view
Spontaneously appreciates; is more relationship oriented
Good at understanding people
In relationships with each other, T’s may seem cold and condescending to F’s; F’s may seem fuzzy-minded and emotional to T’s.
Thinking types use both T and F, but prefer T. Feeling types use both T and F, but prefer F. This is the only gender-related preference in which two-thirds of American males are T’s and the same number of women are F’s.7
Preferences can affect a relationship many ways. Let’s consider dating. Sensors are usually very realistic about dates. They see the other person for what he or she is. Remember: they’re not necessarily impressed with a lot of phoniness or potential. Intuitives are different. For them, most of the date takes place in the mind. Their imaginations are rich; often their perceptions or dreams of the date are more exciting than what actually transpires. A sensor fantasizes, but after the fact. After an initial encounter, for example, they’ll imagine what the next encounter will be like—they can imagine all sorts of exciting things, but it is all grounded in reality. It’s based upon what did in fact transpire on the preceding date. But for an intuitive, facts only ruin their fantasies.
For sensors, an exciting date is one that involves all those senses—the two people ideally look good, smell nice, taste good food, hear nice music, feel cozy, and so on. It’s through the five senses that the dating experience happens. For intuitives, it is through their sense of potentiality rather than reality that they experience a date. In some ways, the date is far more fantasy than fact.
Sensors and intuitives approach dates very differently. For a sensor, the date doesn’t begin until the two parties get together. For an intuitive, the “date” may begin as soon as the arrangements are made, even if that is many weeks in advance. The resulting fantasies of what could happen may reach the point of obsession.
First dates tend to be conversation-intensive, allowing tastes, personalities, and images to emerge. A sensor is more comfortable talking about concrete things: people they’ve known, events they’ve experienced, things they’ve seen, places they’ve been—and the specifics on all of the above. In contrast, an intuitive is excited by conversations that involve their dreams, visions, and beliefs.
Time is always a potential sensing-intuitive problem. If an event starts at 8:00 and it takes twenty minutes to get there, at 7:50 a sensor will become frustrated at the possibility of being at least ten minutes late. Time is much more flexible for the intuitive. “Events usually start late,” they think.
Let’s consider the thinking and feeling function in regard to dating. You will find that there will be more T men attracted to F females. As a relationship evolves into a more intimate experience, this preference will be the one that can create major problems. Thinking types want to understand intimacy; for them, it is a state of being analyzed, mastered, and fine-tuned. Feelings types simply want to be intimate. The result is that thinkers may seem rather cold and aloof at times. And they may dislike being pushed to experience the intimacy their feeling partners are enjoying. T’s can feel the emotions existing inside them; they must intellectually face those emotions before they can share and express them.
A thinker’s need for understanding begins with the first date and continues throughout a relationship. It is important for a thinker to define expectations clearly: “Are we going to be just friends, or do we have expectations beyond that?” For a thinker, even “I love you” is subject to further discussion.
For feelers, all this analysis merely defeats the whole purpose. Even if it is only a one-time date, they feel, just “being together” is sufficient. The more you’re together, the more the relationship develops on its own. They live with the phrase “Your heart will tell you.” Their responses tend to be mushy and vague, and that’s comfortable for them but not to a T For a feeler, “I love you” speaks for itself. It needs no further discussion.
Let’s follow a married T and F couple to their first wedding anniversary. Picture it—the end of a fairly normal first year—whatever that means. The man thinks there are several possible ways to celebrate their first anniversary. He may suggest to his wife one of the following:
“Our marriage is quite good. Let’s leave well enough alone. We’ll go out to dinner and a movie afterward.”
“The year has gone pretty well. So we can improve what’s already good. Here are some questions to help guide our development. Let’s spend the evening evaluating and celebrating.”
“Our anniversary conflicts with my Softball playoffs, so we’ll have to celebrate it on another date.”
To any of these suggestions, a feeler’s response is the same, “How cold! Obviously he doesn’t care enough.” A feeler knows the first anniversary is the most important of all. (For feelers, the first of almost anything is important—the first kiss, the first date, the first vacation, etc.) The anniversary, for the feeler, must be significant, experiential, cozy, warm, expressive, romantic, and meaningful. If the thinker fails to appreciate these factors his wife will interpret it as “You don’t love me.”
Perhaps you can see how important it is for you to clarify these differences for a couple in your premarital sessions. Since marriage involves so much decision making, looking at this function illustrates how differences hold the potential for conflict.
Decisions are influenced by a person’s values. But for a thinker and a feeler, those values are arrived at very differently:
For a thinker, it’s a very objective experience. It shouldn’t be involved in emotion. The more important the decision, the more objective one must be. The head must rule.
For a feeler, decision making is a very subjective experience. You have to pay special attention to the people and issues involved. The more important the decision, the more carefully you must consider extenuating circumstances. Your heart must be the decision maker.8
One final area must be noted: the cost of counseling. Is there any charge when it is done at the church? What would it cost if the couple went to a professional marriage counselor? In answer to the second question, it would cost a couple between $300 and $400 for the preparation. Most churches do not charge for counseling. However, the wedding service fee usually pays for church use, utilities, janitorial service, and other expenses. A number of churches have begun to include an additional seventy-five or eighty dollar fee to cover the cost of counseling. That money pays for the books that the pastor gives to the couple as well as the PREPARE Test. It is important for the couple to own the books. Many have stated that after they were married they reread the books, which took on a new meaning for them.
The fee also pays for the testing materials used by the couple and several series of tapes used in the counseling ministry. This cost is minimal when compared to some of the items in the actual wedding, which do not have any lasting value.
One final word about resources. Before proceeding with the ministry of counseling, the pastor or lay person must be totally familiar with the tapes, books, tests, and other materials to be used. It may take several weeks of study, but that in turn enhances the ministry of marital preparation. In addition to reading the books already mentioned, a pastor or counselor will benefit greatly and add depth to his counseling ministry by reading the following books. Remember that these authors hold various views, and you will not agree with everything they say. That will be beneficial because it will cause you to think and to examine your beliefs.
Beck, Aaron T. Love Is Never Enough. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.
Wright, H. Norman. Seasons of a Marriage. Ventura, Calif: Regal, 1983.
Lederer, William, and Don Jackson. The Mirage of Marriage. New York: Norton, 1990.
Swindoll, Charles. Strike the Original Match. Portland, Oreg.: Multnomah, 1980.
1. The Family History Analysis is copyrighted by H. Norman Wright and available through Family Counseling and Enrichment, 17821 17th St., Suite 290, Tustin, CA 92680.
2. H. Norman Wright, Instructions to Family History Analysis (Tustin, Calif.: Family Counseling and Enrichment, 1981), p. 1.
3. Margaret M. Hoopes and James M. Harper, Birth Order Roles and Sibling Patterns in Individual and Family Therapy (Rockville, Md: Aspen, 1987), pp. 100–102, adapted.
4. Scoring is completed at PREPARE/Enrich, PO. Box 190, Minneapolis, MN 55440. For more information, call their head office at 1–800-331-1661.
5. Blaine Fowers, “Predicting Marital Success and Divorce Using Prepare,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 12:4 (1986): 403–13.
6. PREPARE charts are used by permission of PREPARE/Enrich, Minneapolis, Minn.
7. This discussion of the differences among types is adapted from Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen, Type Talk (New York: Doubleday 1988), pp. 23–48.
8. Kroeger and Thuesen, Type Talk, pp. 122–40, adapted.
*Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis and T-JTA are registered trademarks of Psychological Publications, Inc.
