The content of the third and fourth sessions in premarital counseling is listed together because it is difficult to know how much will be covered in the third session. Often we don’t begin this material until the fourth session since the other material demands more time. Most of the time will be spent talking about the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis.® As you work with different couples you will find that with some you will need three sessions to cover all this material; with others you will be able to cover it very comfortably in two sessions.
When the couple arrives for the third session they are usually very interested in looking at the Taylor-Johnson test. It’s important to remember that the T-JTA® measures a person’s inner responses about himself/herself at the time when the person answered the questions. But it also gives you a reflection of the person’s inner thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks. It tends to measure the inner life of the person rather than behavior. How much a person has changed over the previous months has to be identified in your counseling session.
Note that this tool is not designed to measure mental abnormalities in psychiatric terms. It does provide measures of temperament and personality patterns or indications of problems. These may necessitate additional evaluation to identify the full extent of the issues. It is also important that we not attempt to make the T-JTA say more than it was intended to say or use it in a way for which it was not designed.
The T-JTA is available in two levels of difficulty. The regular edition is at the eighth grade reading level, the secondary edition is at the fifth grade reading level. You may need to use this edition with young couples. It is also available in a braille edition for the blind and is published in Spanish, German, and French with appropriate norms for these groups. This could be very helpful if you do much cross-cultural work.
As you work with your premarital couple, be sure to view the T-JTA score in each trait as a tendency. Use the wording “according to the way in which you have answered the questions, there appears to be a tendency toward …” Being tentative is safer and much more acceptable than stating “You are definitely a …”
Here are four other cautions in presenting the results. First, always have the individual or couple predict their score for a specific trait prior to your giving them their scores. The mindset and expectation level is far different when this is done. Premarital couples are usually very eager to see the results.
Second, use pertinent questions. This will greatly facilitate couple communication and the resolving of conflicts. During the past five years I have been using the individual questions of each trait more and more in counseling and discovered a previously untapped source of useful information and couple interaction. It may take additional time, but it assists you in moving from the surface to root issues.
Third, remember that the shaded areas are there to assist you and the counselee in understanding the significance of the score. Generally speaking, the more closely a person’s scores follow the darker shaded areas on the profile, the better the indications for both individual and marital adjustment. But the shaded areas were developed based upon a consensus of opinion by a number of professional counselors who had used the T-JTA extensively. These are not absolute indications but must be interpreted with some latitude. Not using the shaded profiles greatly reduces the effectiveness of this instrument.
Fourth, be aware of how your own personality tendencies (and scores on the T-JTA) will tend to influence your interpretation of the test results of others and your own counseling approach.
Strong positive scores in various trait areas can suggest ministry opportunities. Several years ago a pastor told me how he explained certain results to the couples. If a couple both had strong positive scores in a specific trait, he encouraged them to develop a ministry to other people who had difficulty in that trait area. If one of them had a strength in that trait area and his/her partner needed work in that same area, the one with a strength was called upon to minister to the partner who needed assistance. If both of them needed work in the same trait area, he encouraged them to seek the assistance of a third party. This is helpful for couples just starting out in marriage.
The counselor should focus on the personality differences, the areas of possible adjustment. I like to focus on how the two people are alike and how they are different. You are not looking for a couple to have identical profiles. Very few couples are identical in their T-JTA profiles. In fact, some who are too much alike may have difficulties. Perhaps the man and the woman both score 95 on the dominant scale. Look at one of the Taylor-Johnson profiles now, and you will see what the potential problem might be for that couple. Two individuals who are very dominant may be headed for trouble if they do not learn to ease off, to give, and to adjust to the other person.
Some individuals will have profiles that clearly indicate that additional testing is needed to discover the depth of the emotional difficulty. Other profiles will indicate that individual counseling is needed before the person marries. Carrying a pattern of anxiety, depression, emotional blockage, negative thinking, overcompliance, anger, or impulsiveness into a marriage adds additional and sometimes disastrous struggles. On numerous occasions I have recommended individual counseling before proceeding with the premarital preparation.
The T-JTA is a launching pad for identifying and releasing areas that otherwise might slip by.
A typical situation in using this test may be that of a young man who scores himself very high on the Sympathetic/Indifferent trait; when he sees that his fiancée scored him very low, he wants to know, “Why do you see me like that? I am a very loving and caring individual.” Perhaps he is, but he might not be sharing this with her or verbalizing it so that she perceives it.
When you work with a couple on the results of their Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, you have unlimited opportunities to focus on their individual differences. Learning to blend, to become complementary and compatible are major tasks for any couple during the initial five years of marriage—personality differences, behavioral differences, and communication differences will emerge during this session. That’s why I often tell couples they will be marrying foreigners.
To illustrate this adjustment process, here is a conversation taken verbatim from the third session with Bill and Jan, who were planning to be married within six months. (All names in this chapter have been changed to protect the individuals’ privacy.) We were reviewing the Active-Social/Quiet category and the Expressive-Responsive/Inhibited traits on the T-JTA when I mentioned to them that each was actually marrying a foreigner. Jan was surprised to hear that; so was Bill.
BILL:
What do you mean, marry a foreigner? We’re both from this country. In fact, we couldn’t be better matched or more alike. We were both born and raised in California; we’re both white; our parents were born and raised in this country, and so were their parents. How are we foreigners?
NORM:
Well, this comes as a shock to most couples, and I share this with almost everyone I work with now. You and Jan are similar. But you were both raised in different homes with different parents, siblings, experiences, and in effect a different culture. You may eat the same types of foods, but they were prepared differently. You have different customs, different rituals in your families, different beliefs and values, and thus you each learned a different “language.” If you want to have the kind of marriage you have described to me, your biggest task is going to be to learn about the other person’s culture, to develop the flexibility to be comfortable with either set of customs, and above all, to learn your partner’s language so that you can speak it.
JAN:
You mean, Bill and I, even though we’ve gone together for three years, still need to learn more about communication and how we talk with each other? (Pause.) You know, I have felt that way at times. On occasion I’ve sensed that Bill and I were sort of out of touch with each other, even though we had done a lot of talking and sharing. We would talk and talk, and at the time we each seemed to grasp what the other person was sharing, but later it felt as if we hadn’t talked at all. He didn’t catch what I had said. Other times he has a difficult time understanding me. And I don’t understand why.
NORM:
Jan, right now you’re sensing and sharing something many individuals feel perplexed about for many years of their marriage. Bill, what do you think about this?
BILL:
Yes, I see what you’re getting at now Jan and I do talk quite a bit, but sometimes I wonder why she doesn’t understand my perspective. I state my point of view, but from the questions she asks, it’s as though she’d never heard me. So I try to explain again. In fact, at times I think we over talk about some things. I like to make everything clear and simple and to the point, but we tend to go on and …
JAN:
Bill, the reason we go on and on at times is because you don’t seem to understand what I’m feeling. I need to make sure that I’m understood by you, so we don’t have misunderstandings.
NORM:
Jan, it’s important to you that Bill understands your feelings, right? Bill, you want Jan to understand your perspective and view it your way, right? (They both nodded.) Could it be that some of the words you use aren’t in the other person’s vocabulary? Could it be that in some way you’re not speaking the other person’s language?
JAN:
Perhaps that’s what’s happening. (She thought for a minute and then continued softly.) Now that we are talking about this, I’ve become aware of something else. I feel we’ve made more progress, but at first we had to work on how we shared with each other. I didn’t understand what was going on until I went to Bill’s home for dinner the first time. What a shock!
BILL:
Yes, it was a shock for her (laughing).
NORM:
What happened?
JAN:
We went to his home and had dinner with his parents and two brothers and sister. Naturally, I felt a bit apprehensive, since I wanted to make a good impression. I felt a little on edge, and when I do, I tend to quiet down somewhat. Not that I don’t talk as much as I usually do, but I get more hesitant and soft-spoken. Once we got into dinner, I’m afraid I sat there with my mouth open in shock—at least I felt as if I did. Bill’s family is totally different from mine. My family is polite and quiet, and they rarely raise their voices. If they do, watch out! It means that someone is angry, but that doesn’t happen often.
But Bill and his family raise their voices, interrupt, carry on two or three conversations at once, even shout at times! I was numb by the time dinner was over and felt very uncomfortable. When we left, the first thing I said to Bill was, “Bill, your family is such an angry group of people—and they didn’t seem very polite toward one another, either. They interrupted and didn’t let people finish.”
BILL:
That came as a big surprise to me. So I said, “What do you mean? My family loves each other. They’re very close-knit and loyal. In fact, they were just themselves tonight, which is good. That means they liked you and looked at you as someone they could be themselves with. Nobody was angry. That’s just the way we talk! We’ve always been that way, and so are my grandparents and aunts and uncles and their families. We’re just loud and have our own style of communicating. I’m that way, too.”
JAN:
It was a shock for a while. The more I went with Bill, the more I discovered that he communicated that way. When he first raised his voice, I froze, because I thought he was angry, but I have since learned that he does that when he is excited and wants to emphasize something.
NORM:
So when you first went to Bill’s home, it was like entering another country, since they did things differently and in a sense spoke a different language. At first you felt a bit awkward, until you began to translate what they were saying into your own language. Am I right?
BILL:
(Laughing) You’re right. Nobody ever put it that way before, but I can sure see how the idea of speaking another person’s language makes sense.
NORM:
This picture of marrying a foreigner is clearing up a bit for you then, isn’t it?
Oh, yes. In fact, I can see how both of us have already started to learn each other’s family language and to adapt to each family
NORM:
How?
BILL:
Well, after some time I noticed that Jan started to open up when we were with my family. She actually raised her voice and even interrupted at times. She really has learned to become one of us. I don’t even think she was aware of the changes.
JAN:
Bill’s right. I didn’t think about how I was gradually changing, until one Christmas we had a tape recorder on during the family meal—or celebration as they call it. We sat and listened to it after dinner, and I was amazed when I heard myself. I sounded like them!
NORM:
How did that feel to you, changing your way of communicating?
JAN:
It was very comfortable. I enjoyed myself, and I was getting closer to Bill’s family as well. I felt good about this new relationship with his family.
As the interview proceeded, I chose different communication styles for Bill and Jan; my choice of words varied in subtle yet distinct ways. Bill reported that he had adapted to Jan’s family, becoming more soft spoken, though he understood his own family better. Then I asked Jan how well she understood her family.
NORM:
Jan, do you and your family understand each other when you share together? Are you in touch with each other?
JAN:
Oh, yes. We always are. I get along especially well with Mom. Dad, I must admit, doesn’t always say too much. I wish he would. He’s short and to the point with very little detail. At times I feel we have to drag any information out of him. When he does talk, he sounds like a newspaper reporter giving a condensed version of the daily news. He just gives the facts. And feelings? I don’t know when I’ve heard Dad share his feelings. That’s frustrated Mom over the years, too. But Mom and I really click.
NORM:
So your father responds more like a condenser, and your mother is more of an amplifier.
JAN:
Yes, that’s exactly it.
Bill, you and your family seem to focus in well together as you talk, and Jan, you feel good about your communication with your mom. Now, what about the two of you together? What will it take for you two to communicate so that you understand each other (Pause)?
NORM:
By the way, Bill, are you and I communicating? Do you think we see eye-to-eye? Do we understand each other?
BILL:
Oh, yes. You seem to see what I’m talking about, and I am getting the picture of this whole discussion of marrying a foreigner. I wonder, though, if I don’t need a passport to marry Jan (laughter)!
NORM:
Jan (in a soft voice), how do you feel about our communication? Does it make sense?
JAN:
Very much so. You seem to have a handle on what I’m feeling, and what you say registers. We seem to speak the same language.
NORM:
It’s important that we learn not only to speak the same language but also to make sure we mean the same thing with our words. I have run into so many couples who get irritated and upset in their marriages because of such a simple matter as having different definitions for their words. You each come to your marriage with a different dictionary. You know, two people can speak Spanish and not mean the same thing. Two people can speak German and not mean the same thing. We’re sitting here speaking English and using some of the same words, but we might have different meanings for them. Your experiences in life, your mindset, what you intend can give meaning to your words. My wife might ask, “Could we stop at the store for a minute on our way home? I’ll just be a minute.” I might take the word minute literally, but I had better not, because years of experience have taught me we’re talking about fifteen to twenty minutes.
At this point, I decided to personalize the issue to Bill and Jan by asking Bill a question. His answer prompted a lively discussion.
NORM:
Bill, has Jan ever said to you, “Bill, could I talk to you for a minute about something?” and you said yes, assuming she meant a minute, but you’re still discussing the issue thirty minutes later?
BILL:
Tuesday night. That very thing happened Tuesday night. Jan wondered why I was getting uptight.
JAN:
Well, it was important. Did it matter how long it went on? You agreed we needed to talk about it, and I had felt that way for some time.
BILL:
Oh, no, it was all right. I just figured it’d be short, since you said a minute.
JAN:
(With more feeling) But many times I feel you have set a time limit on our conversations. I almost sense that you’re impatient and want to get to the bottom line. You don’t want to hear all my reasons or feelings. In fact, I wish you would share more details with me. I wear a new outfit and ask you how it looks, and all you say is, “It looks fine.” Can’t you tell me any more about how you feel about it?
BILL:
(Rolling his eyes upward and then turning to Jan) But I said it looked fine. What else do you want to hear?
NORM:
On a scale of zero to ten, with zero meaning it looks terrible—like it’s out of the rag pile—and a ten meaning it’s outstanding, where does the word fine fall?
BILL:
Oh, it’s somewhere between an eight and a ten.
JAN:
How would I know that? That’s the first I’ve heard that fine had any meaning at all!
NORM:
This is what I mean when I say you need to define your words. Bill, if you couldn’t use the word fine and had to give a three-line description of the dress Jan is wearing, what would you say?
BILL:
(Pause) Well, I like it. The color looks good. The dress looks like you, and I like some of the detail around the waist. It fits well, and I like the curves. It just seems to look like you. And the style is flashy.
NORM:
How do you feel about Bill’s response?
JAN:
That really feels good. He really seemed to notice, and I enjoyed hearing his description.
Well, I could do that, but when I’m with some of my other friends and we say fine, we know what we mean.
NORM:
I can understand that, Bill. When you’re with them you speak the same language, but when you’re with Jan, you need to speak her language. She wants more detail, more description, more adjectives. That’s what registers with her. This is a good example of what I mean by speaking the other person’s language. Now that we’re talking about it, which one of you tends to give more detail when you talk?
JAN:
I’m the detail person. Quite often Bill asks me to get to the point and give him the bottom line so he understands what I’m taking about. I just want to make sure that he’s going to grasp what I’m sharing. I’ve always given a lot of detail and feelings, but sometimes it’s as if he doesn’t hear my feelings. He ignores them.
BILL:
I don’t ignore what you are saying. I do see what you are getting at, but I don’t always know what to do with those feelings. It’s not that I always mind the detail, but I wish you would focus on the bottom line first, instead of going around the barn several times and then telling me what you’re talking about. I like it straightforward and to the point. In fact I really like it when you’re precise. The other day I asked you the time and you replied with ‘A little before six.’ It was actually 5:50. I guess I need information concise, simple, and exact. I like clean instructions, too.
NORM:
Bill, you want Jan to communicate with you like a newspaper article.
BILL:
A newspaper article?
NORM:
Most newspaper articles are structured like a pyramid. The first sentence is a complete summary statement of what is in the article. Next comes a brief paragraph with some of the most significant summary items expanded. The final larger portion of the article will contain the minute details.
BILL:
That’s it. An approach like that makes sense to me. I can follow what’s going on a lot better, and (looking at Jan) I would be willing to hear some more of the detail. But I don’t think I need to hear as much detail as you enjoy hearing. I don’t want a two-line news summary of what you say, but a Reader’s Digest condensation would be helpful.
NORM:
Bill, you’re asking Jan to condense some of the details a bit and identify the bottom line right at the start. That helps you focus on her conversation better. Is that accurate?
BILL:
Yes.
NORM:
That also means, Bill, since Jan enjoys detail, that when you share with her, you will give her more detail than you do now.
Now, does my statement about marrying a foreigner make more sense to you?
JAN AND BILL:
Yes, definitely!
COUNSELOR:
Once again let me go back to the question I asked a few minutes ago. Jan and Bill, what is it going to take, in addition to what we have already pointed out, for the two of you to understand each other and no longer be foreigners? What do you think, Bill? What do you feel, Jan?
Before reading on, reflect back on what you just read. Were my words different when I spoke to Jan compared to Bill? If so, in what way? Why? What were the principles being taught to them in this session?
Before continuing, let me emphasize your role as a counselor. The best way a counselor can teach any couple how to speak one another’s language is by you, the counselor, modeling this process as you interact with them. This necessitates becoming familiar with various types of personality styles. The most accurate of these and the easiest to learn is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and the most helpful resource is Type Talk, by Kroeger and Thuesen.
In addition to this, learning the characteristics of a person who speaks like a condenser and one who speaks like an amplifier is necessary. It means using the same style of speaking and the same terminology that your counselees use. Some are more cognitive and factual, whereas others are much more feeling-oriented and expressive. It means being able to speak right to the point as well as going off on tangents before returning to the main point.
One important principle for you to remember is: The person who has the greatest flexibility in his communication style will have the greatest influence and impact on other people. He also will establish rapport with them very quickly. This has ramifications for a minister’s preaching as well. Too often we allow our own thinking and speaking style to permeate the sermon. If we tend to be more precise, structured, and factual we communicate well with those in the worship service who are the same. But what about the others who are more feeling-oriented or who like word pictures or illustrations that contain emotions? Sometimes we leave some people out of the sermon. I have heard a number of ministers who have developed the ability to speak to all the different learning, thinking, and speaking styles in their congregation. And it shows by the response of the people. Listen to your sermons. Listen to your conversations with others in and out of the counseling office. What is your style of communicating?
Establishing rapport was mentioned earlier. It is vital for the counselor to establish rapport with each premarital couple but also for them to do the same in their relationship with one another.
We use the word rapport when we talk about establishing relationships with other people, and in the field of counseling, psychologists are encouraged to establish rapport with the clients as soon as possible. Rapport has been defined as “a relationship marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity.” It reflects a relationship that has agreement or even likeness or similarity.
How far does establishing rapport actually go? Do we have to become so much like others that we become clones? That we begin to lose our own identities? Not at all. You will still be who you are and reflect your own unique mannerisms and patterns of speech. However, by emphasizing similarities, you will be able to respond to a much greater variety of people in your counseling and other church ministries. In order to establish rapport, you have to take the opportunity to learn to be quite flexible. In fact, no doubt you already subconsciously do a lot of what I will suggest. Here I want only to identify it, refine it, and explain it so that you can become an even better communicator.
Some of the outstanding therapists of our time are adept at establishing rapport quickly. In watching them you discover that part of their process of developing rapport relies on mirroring. Mirroring simply means giving back to the person portions of his or her own nonverbal behavior as though the person were looking in a mirror.
We all do this to some degree. You go to a dinner party, and you find yourself matching your table manners and body postures to the expected level of informality or formality you feel is needed for that group.
Mirroring does not mean mimicking. From early childhood we have been taught that copying is not acceptable. We believe that to mimic is the same as making fun of a person, but mimicry is usually characterized by some exaggeration of a behavior or speech trait.
In contrast, mirroring occurs when you become sensitive to portions of your own behavior and response and to the other individual. What do you begin to become aware of? Portions of the other person’s body posture, specific gestures, facial expressions, voice tone, tempo, and intonation patterns. In some cases I have even seen the therapist match the person’s breathing rhythms. But remember that these are very slight and subtle responses. If the person you talk with begins hitting himself on the side of the face every so often, don’t do likewise!
I’d suggest a subtle matching of slight behaviors, mannerisms, and voice. For this to be effective you don’t have to be a therapist. Friends talking together, a teacher with a student, two business associates—anyone can do it. Unconsciously (and now more consciously) I have done it in conversations with people in social situations as well as in the counseling office. A slight shifting of the body in order to sit in a fashion similar to the other person, using a slight hand gesture that reflects one of his, pausing in much the same way she does are all examples of mirroring. Matching the level of their volume and types of wording is easy to learn. Be aware of what you do when you are with other people. Watch their interactions as they communicate. Notice the quality of the interaction when mirroring is there and when it isn’t. It goes on all around us every day.
Let’s continue with Jan and Bill:
NORM:
Once again let me go back to my question of a few minutes ago. Jan and Bill, what is it going to take, in addition to what we have already pointed out, for the two of you to understand each other and no longer be foreigners? What do you think, Bill? What do you feel, Jan?
BILL:
Well, we need to speak the other person’s language.
NORM:
Yes, but how do you do that, Bill? What does that mean in actual day-to-day communication?
JAN:
(Interrupting) I might be off on this, but I’m beginning to catch a sense of what you’ve been doing with us.
NORM:
What have I been doing?
JAN:
I’ve noticed, now that I think about it, that you really have been doing this. You talk differently to Bill and me. Now I know what you mean by speaking the other person’s language. Bill, have you grasped it yet? No, let me take that back. Bill, do you see what has been happening?
NORM:
You did it very well just then, Jan. You switched from your vocabulary, which made sense to you, and used a word that’s part of Bill’s vocabulary. Bill, did you notice that?
BILL:
Well, I noticed something different, but I’m not sure yet.
NORM:
Go on, Jan.
JAN:
Bill, you use words like see, look, focus all the time with me and everyone else, so they must have some significance to you. Those aren’t my words, but I can learn to use them. When I use feeling words, I don’t usually get much response from you, so perhaps I need to listen to your words more, and you need to listen to mine, and we can both learn to use each other’s way of speaking.
BILL:
“OK, I think I’m beginning to see …” He caught himself and then said, “You’re right. I do use that word a lot.”
JAN:
If we had a tape recording of this session—no, if we had a tape recording and a video recording, like the ones we used in our teacher-education courses—I imagine we would discover that you have been doing more than using our language. Is that right?
Yes, it is. You’re perceptive to sense that so soon.
JAN:
Now, if you had made that same statement to Bill, how would you have said it?
BILL:
(Interrupting) Wait, I do see it now. You might say the same thing to each of us, but with different words, based on how we talk. I just noticed something else. When you talk to me, you give a bit more volume to what you say. You raise your voice just a bit, because I talk louder than Jan does. I noticed something else, too. You don’t waste any words with me on long explanations. You seem to make it short and to the point, and I like that. Maybe that’s because that’s the way I talk. This is really something. We haven’t been here long, but it seems as if we’ve been together or known each other for a long time.
JAN:
Yes, I agree. I feel—and that’s one of my comfortable words—the same way. I’ve noticed you do more than just speak our language with your choice of words. When you talk to Bill, you seem to shift in your chair and sit almost the way Bill does. It’s nothing major, but you have done this several times. You sit up a bit more, which is the way you sit, Bill. When you talk to me, I’ve noticed you tend to sit back and put your hands on the arm of the chair, which is exactly what I do. You even slow down your rate of speaking and speak more softly to me than to Bill.
NORM:
You’re right, Jan. Since the two of you are just now becoming aware of this process, it will take some work on your part to refine your communication with each other. I feel you’ve discovered the fact that you have probably responded this way already with other people, and you just were not aware of it. Now you will become more aware and will work consciously on how you communicate, not only with each other, but in a wider range of contacts as well. What will each of you be doing differently in your communication with each other at this point? Bill, what do you think?
BILL:
Well, since this is in my lap, let me think a minute. Boy, this is something. I feel as if—how do you like that, one of Jan’s favorite words!—I’ve just come back from an archeological expedition and made a gigantic discovery, and I’m still trying to put together all the pieces I’ve unearthed.
Bill, is that the way you usually describe things? Jan, was that a typical description for Bill?
JAN:
I haven’t heard descriptions like that too often, but it was great. It said so much more than, “I’m thinking about it,” or something to that effect.
BILL:
Well, it’s just the way I was feeling, and that’s the best way to describe it.
NORM:
Bill, that was great. That was a beautiful example of how to expand your description and give your conversation more life, meaning, and richness. As you begin to communicate more and more like that, you will be amazed at your own ability and other people’s response to you.
BILL:
Sometimes I even amaze myself! Well, here is what I’m going to be doing differently as I communicate with you, Jan. I guess the first step is to really learn your language, and that means I need to listen to you, to what you say, and how you say it. I’ll have to listen to you with my eyes as well as my ears. I know that there are times when I don’t have eye contact with you when you talk; then when I do turn and look at you, your message somehow seems different.
I don’t think I will totally change my way of communicating, since I want to be me. But when I talk with you, I can use some of your words and phrases….
It is important to explore a couple’s preferences and find specific activities that could lead to a conflict or already have become a source of contention. In another premarital session, I was discussing Active-Social/Quiet trait scores with a couple. A score higher than 50 indicates either a desire to be actively doing things and involvement with people or it could refer more to extrovert tendencies. A score less than 50 suggests a quieter life style such as not being on the go so much, doing things by oneself, or it could reflect introvert tendencies. Tim’s score was 79 and Jean’s was 34. In the ensuing discussion, she expressed concern that her score was not very reflective of who she really is. But we explored this, and her fiance spoke up and said, “I think it is. The only thing she enjoys going out and doing is shopping.” She agreed with that. Since the word shopping had arisen before, we talked further about this.
After you are married, how frequently do you want Tim to shop with you?
JEAN:
Twice a week. (Tim grimaced a bit at this, and I was mildly surprised at her expectation.)
TIM:
And when she shops, she means from 10:00 in the morning until 5:00 at night!
NORM:
Tim, could you describe to me your style of shopping?
TIM:
I know what I want when I go to a store, and I know the store to go to. I walk in, find it, and walk out.
NORM:
Do you see shopping as something to enjoy or a necessity?
TIM:
A necessity It should be done fast and efficiently.
NORM:
Jean, tell me about your style of shopping.
JEAN:
I like to look around and try everything on and go from store to store.
NORM:
Is shopping an enjoyable pastime for you?
JEAN:
Definitely!
NORM:
Could I make a suggestion? After you are married, why not plan to shop together perhaps once every two months and limit the time to two hours. How does that sound?
JEAN:
Once every two months? That’s all? Why, my mother and I go every Saturday for the entire day!
TIM:
It sounds good to me. After all, what’s the longest I’ve ever lasted shopping with you? It’s never been two hours yet.
JEAN:
Well, that’s right, it hasn’t. And usually you’re in a hurry and you don’t like to look like I do. Maybe that would work.
NORM:
I just feel it would eliminate a great deal of conflict. There are other activities that you could plan or learn to do together that would bring you a greater sense of satisfaction.
The discussion proceeded as we explored other possibilities of activities together as well as acceptance of their individual differences.
Each person needs to learn the process of encouraging his partner to be himself as well as to be willing to participate in his spouse’s way of experiencing life (and vice versa). The more active-social person can learn to consider and experience the quiet partner’s life, and the quiet person can learn to participate in the active person’s activities.
Since Trait C, Active-Social versus Quiet, is an indicator of such differences (extrovert vs. introvert), I usually bring in material such as these questions from Type Talk. If one of them is an introvert I make suggested comments like:
• Do you tend to rehearse things before you say them? Do you often respond with “I’ll have to think about that” or “Let me tell you later”?
• Do you enjoy the peace and quiet of having time to yourself? Do you find your private time easily invaded?
• Have you been called “shy” from time to time? Whether or not you agree, do you come across to others as somewhat reserved and reflective?
• Do you like to share special occasions with just one other person or perhaps a few close friends rather than a lot of people?
• Do you wish you could get your ideas out more forcefully and tend to resent those who blurt out things you were just about to say?
• Do you like stating your thoughts or feelings without interruption?
• Do you ever need to “recharge” alone after you’ve spent time socializing? And the more intense the encounter, the greater the chance you feel drained afterward?1
If the introvert’s partner is more of an extrovert, I ask, “What did you hear your fiancee say that might help you in understanding him and relating to him?” And in talking directly to an extrovert about his personality characteristics I might raise these questions (also from Type Talk):
• Do you tend to talk first and think later, and you don’t know what you’ll say until you hear yourself say it? Do you tend to think out loud or brainstorm out loud?
• Could it be that you don’t mind reading or having a conversation while the TV or radio is on in the background?
• Would you say you’re approachable and easily engaged in conversation by friends and strangers alike?
• Do you enjoy going to parties and prefer to talk with many people instead of just a few?
• Are you energized by being with people?
• Do you find listening more difficult than talking?
• Do you need affirmation from friends and associates about who you are, what you do, how you look, and just about everything else? You may think you’re doing a good job, but until you hear someone tell you, do you truly believe it?2
It is necessary to clarify differences for a couple so they can understand and accept the other person. Since an introvert person doesn’t share their conclusion or what they are thinking until they have thought it out completely, their extrovert partner may become frustrated over being “ignored or given the silent treatment.” On the other hand, when the introvert hears the extrovert thinking and formulating ideas out loud he assumes that what he heard is what is going to occur. After all, one wouldn’t share something unless it is thought through first internally and then spoken. But for the extrovert, the opposite is true. Just sharing this simple piece of clarifying information is helpful to both premarital and married couples.
Another T-JTA trait category, Expressive-Responsive vs. Inhibited, measures a person’s level of verbal expression and the expression of feelings. It is such an important trait that low scores in this area are accurate predictors of either the lack of emotional intimacy in the upcoming marital relationship or definite struggles. In reviewing results, I like to go over some of the specific questions used to make up this trait since this leads us into some very important discussions. I usually read the question, give the persons’ responses, and then ask them what their reasons might be for their responses. We then discuss those occasions in which their responses might be different.
In talking with them I listen closely to their terminology to discover if they can use emotional language or phrases or if they even have an emotional vocabulary. Sometimes looking at Trait F, Subjective/Objective, will help me to determine if they respond on the emotional rather than the cognitive level. This is yet another example of the importance of the minister or counselor’s being able to use the language of the counselee.
When a person’s partner is present and she sees him as being inhibited, I read the specific questions in which she rated him inhibited and ask her to again give her response. When this is done I ask her to share with her partner the following: (1) some illustrations of why you responded in that manner to the specific question; (2) how you would appreciate him learning to respond in the future; and (3) two questions: “What can I do to assist you in accomplishing this? Is there anything that I have been doing that has made it difficult for you to respond?”
Sometimes an inhibited individual will question you concerning the value of reavealing their feelings. Your background reading will enable you to answer that question. Be sure to speak to their fears about sharing. Men tend to be more inhibited than women in displaying their inner feelings. Often I ask, “Could it be that one of the reasons you hesitate to share your inner feelings is that you would like to share the feelings or discuss them for just a couple of minutes? And you’re concerned that if you open up and share, your partner will either be critical or want to talk for an hour?” Often I see and hear a more emotional response to that question than their spouse has seen in weeks. It’s a common fear on the part of men.
On the other hand it will be important to stress with men that when their wives are expressing their emotions, they usually want their husbands to just listen and/or reflect back what they have heard; the husband should not attempt to fix the wife’s feelings. It may help him to ask her, “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like some advice?”
The following interaction was taken from an actual premarital session of a discussion of the Expressive/Responsive trait. This discussion created an opportunity to both encourage and share information with one counselee, Jim.
NORM:
Does Jim come right out and say, “I am really bothered, I am really angry,” or does it show more in a nonverbal manner?
SUE:
I think it is half-and-half. Sometimes if we are alone and he feels I can handle it, we can talk about it. He’ll express it. Other times, if we are going somewhere and have things to do, he won’t talk about it.
NORM:
But you know he’s angry?
SUE:
Yes.
NORM:
What do you prefer? What would you like from him whenever he’s angry?
I would rather sit down and talk about it. But I don’t always know if the circumstances are right.
NORM:
Would it help if Jim would just announce it and say, “I am really upset at this time even though we can’t talk about it?” It sounds like you know already that his anger is coming through nonverbally. If you can get some verbal indication such as, “I am upset and here’s the reason,” “I am upset and I would like to talk about this later on,” would this help you?
SUE:
Yes, that would help.
NORM:
(Turning toward Jim) What are your feelings about our discussion of you, Jim?
JIM:
I just reflect back to the other day, we were talking about handicapped people in our Bible study. We looked at them physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and I look at myself as an emotionally handicapped child because I feel I did not have the opportunity to express my emotions at home. I didn’t develop them, I always had to be happy My mom always is. I wasn’t allowed to cry. It wasn’t right to be angry at all. Now I look at my friends. I look at people. I look at people who enjoy feeling emotions. But I don’t know how sometimes, and that’s one of the things I am learning through Sue.
NORM:
Sue, would you take Jim’s hand, please? I would like you to share with Jim what you will allow him to express to you in terms of emotions.
SUE:
I want you to feel free to cry in front of me, to tell me when you are angry even though it might hurt me, just to say anything you feel and not hold back because of the circumstances. If other people are there, take me aside when you are frustrated or find me if I am not there and let it out. Just verbalize it.
NORM:
Jim, you are being given a gift by Sue. She is taking away the restrictions that you have had upon you for those many years on the expression of your feelings. She is saying, “The barriers are down so if you want to cry in front of me please cry; if you want to get angry, get angry; if you are hurting, share it with me even if you don’t know all the right words.”
Sometimes, Jim, it helps to say, “I wish I knew more words to express this, but I want to try to express my feelings.” Then try to come up with as many adjectives as possible and just work through the uncomfortableness. At first you’ll feel like a stranger in a foreign land. You have a lot of cognitive ability. Your thinking ability is at an adult level. Using your own terminology, you said you are like a child in terms of knowing how to share emotions. But you’re a very fast-learning child. And you can catch up in a hurry since now you have a person who says, “Be yourself.” Jim, experience the emotions that God has given to you. If you find yourself holding back, let Sue know and say to her, “I want to give. I’m holding back, but I am going to try.” Then just blurt it out…. Your relationship will have the intimacy you’re seeking by sharing your emotions.
The most consistent problem that I see working with married couples is this very issue. For thirty-five years the man has been just sterile emotionally, an emotional cripple in many ways. And his wife has been dying for some type of an emotional intimacy. But it’s never been there—and they go their separate ways. Your relationship doesn’t have to end up that way.
It’s important that whoever is conducting the premarital counseling be able to express feelings and have an extensive feeling vocabulary in order to model this process for a counselee.
Finally, remember the number of sessions needed to fully cover the T-JTA results can vary from couple to couple. If problem areas become evident, you may want to give specific assignments that must be completed during the time of the premarital counseling. Using the T-JTA can be a rich learning experience for the couple.
1. Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen, Type Talk (New York: Delacorte, 1988), pp. 14–22.
2. Ibid.