Husband-wife roles and their impact on power or influence in marriage frequently become an issue during premarital counseling. PREPARE can tell you a person’s choice in wanting either an equalitarian marriage (shared roles) or a traditional (set and specific roles for husband and wife). In contrast, the T-JTA can reveal whether one or both tends to be more the dominant person (or a controller) or if one or both tend to be compliant or passive.
Let’s consider the issue of husband-wife roles first.
I find that most couples do not go into sufficient detail in the area of roles. Though the assignment “Your Role Concepts Comparison Sheet” in the Before You Say I Do workbook (p. 41) is for a latter session, there may be times when you ask the couple to turn to that section and discuss some of their answers.
Note that the second item states, “The wife should not be employed outside of the home.” Each statement may be answered in one of five ways: strongly agree, mildly agree, not sure, mildly disagree, or strongly disagree. The partners answer without looking at one another’s copy. If you find one person who is not sure and one who strongly agrees or disagrees, it is important to stop and talk about this area. The counselor should determine why they have differences of opinion and discuss how this can affect their marriage relationship.
Whether the wife should work has become a fundamental issue. With the changing economic conditions more and more women will be employed, and some of our traditional lifestyles will be modified. A couple of items on the sheet relate to the working-woman issue, and the counselor needs to explore some of the particular problems that might arise if she works. However, the counselor also must allow the couple to make the final decision.
Consider, for instance, a man who is adamant against his wife working, yet his fiancée is a college graduate and has a profession. She has spent years training for her position and feels that it is very important for her to be able to continue in it. The wise counselor will explore some of the reasons behind each person’s attitude as well as work toward some type of reconciliation of the two conflicting opinions.
Looking down the sheet, notice other statements that might bring up discussion. For example, “The husband should baby-sit one night a week so the wife can get away and do what she wants,” or, “A couple should spend their recreational and leisure time together,” or, “It is all right for the wife to initiate love-making with her husband.” If you find differences of opinion here, then you need to discuss these.
This discussion of the dominant/submissive trait may give you the opening to focus on the issue of power in the relationship and how it may be manifested in the next few years.
The word power has many definitions. One is “the possession of control, authority, or influence over others.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines authority as “power or right to enforce obedience … the right to command or give an ultimate decision.” In a premarital or marital relationship, when one partner has most of the power or authority he or she has most of the control and makes most of the decisions. The person on the other side often ends up feeling inferior, dependent, abused, neglected, or downtrodden with attitudes of dejection, anger, and resentment. Look for those indications.
Over the years we have raised shelties in our home. A sheltie looks like a miniature collie and is a very intelligent dog—until it gets into a tug-of-war with another puppy. The two shelties sit there and pull and pull on the towel and neither gets anywhere. They wear themselves out pulling, trying to get the towel away from each other. If they were really smart, they might figure out that what they’re doing isn’t working. In fact, if one would let up on his end of the towel, it would probably knock the other puppy off balance, dislodge the towel, and then the smart puppy could run away with it all to himself.
Sometimes Joyce and I sit there and laugh at them. Perhaps in reality we are laughing at ourselves for we are not very different from the puppies. Couples often pull, pull, pull, but nothing is resolved. Neither one is willing to risk a new approach.
Did you know that in most troubled marriages the partners are unaware of how much power each one has, and emotionally each feels the partner has far more power than he or she deserves? Ask your couple during the premarital session, “Which one of you has the greatest amount of power or influence?” Often they think the most dominant and verbal partner does, but that may not be entirely true. You may have a verbally dominant but impulsive man who is going to marry a quiet, submissive, but self-disciplined woman. She may have the edge in power and control because of her self-discipline. This is a shock to many.
In a marriage relationship, power is the ability of one spouse to influence or change the behavior of the other. The one with the greater power is usually the one who somehow controls the actions of the other person. But how? Perhaps through making most of the decisions or through having control over the finances or making more money There may be an exception to this concept, however. When you look at a marriage in which one earns and controls the money, initially it may seem that the breadwinner has more power. But this may be offset by the wife who stays home, is very satisfied with her role, and has great influence in the areas of child-rearing, social life, directing where the finances are spent—or by having a greater knowledge about running the home than her spouse.
Unfortunately, some spouses are trapped and kept in a posture of dependency by a partner who deals out the finances when he sees fit. This type of helplessness breeds depression, resentment, and often major conflicts.
Power struggles can easily emerge when both husband and wife have their own careers. A common question being raised today is, “Whose career takes precedence? Which is more important?” In previous decades there was no such question. Today economic power and status competition struggles are quite common; each spouse tends to feel that his or her career is more important and has more impact than the partner’s. Many career women would like to have the same power and equality that is theirs at work extend to their homes. Many traditions have fallen away during the past fifteen years, and sometimes the debris gets in the way. Numerous marital conflicts arise because of the desire for power to be divided equally between man and woman. The conflict emerges because the marriage becomes an area of competition rather than a unified pulling together.
Since many marriages start out with both being employed outside of the home, here are a series of questions the couple needs to answer. They are taken from So You’re Getting Married. If the couple uses this book, ask them to share what they learned from this experience. If they don’t use it, reproduce the questions and give copies to them or discuss the questions with them. Another alternative is to have the contact married couple assigned to them use these with the couple.
Will you tell each other what happened during your working day?
Will you really listen and care about what has happened to your spouse on the job?
Will only one person ask or tell the other?
Will you refuse to share your concerns about your job because you think your spouse won’t understand the problems you are facing at work?
Will you be too embarrassed to tell your spouse if your boss reprimanded you or that you are terrified about making a presentation at a company meeting?
Will you try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and understand that what might prove to be no problem to you might be a great problem to your partner, requiring your helpful feedback?
Will you admire your spouse’s strengths on the job as you would a colleague’s, or are you even now secretly envious of those qualities?
Will you feel you are entitled to a greater say in family economic decisions and in household management because you may earn more money than your spouse?
Do you really like the fact that your spouse is going to work?
Do you secretly think you would like it better if your wife greeted you at home every evening with a clean house, refreshments, and a hot dinner?
Will you really do your full share of the housework without continual prodding from your wife or without feeling argumentative and resentful because you feel you are always getting the short end of the stick?
How will you feel if your wife makes more money than you? If she already is making more money, do you have mixed feelings about that fact? Do you talk to her about your feelings?
Will you feel that you are in competition with your husband regarding who has the best job and who makes the most money? If so, is the feeling one of healthy competitiveness as in a track race, or a feeling of guilt or anger because you are competing with him?
Will you do more than your fair share of the housework rather than hold your husband to his end of the bargain because you don’t want to make waves?
If your husband makes a larger salary than you, will you feel guilty when you spend money on yourself because you believe you are spending “his” money?
Will you label the total income you and your husband make “our” joint income, or do you regard the earnings of each of you separately as a measure of the power each of you brings to your marriage?
How would you feel if you made more money than your husband? If you are making more money now, do you feel guilty or secretive about sharing that fact with friends?1
Remind the couple that marriage is a miniature example of the Body of Christ where each one contributes because of his or her own unique ability. Competition may be less when the husband is the primary breadwinner and the wife has a supportive role within the home. Or there could be less competition if a wife sees her employment as a job rather than a career. Then the family’s life is still seen as dependent upon what the husband accomplishes.
Competition can become a major issue when a wife advances faster than her husband and eventually moves ahead of him. Anger, resentment, and distancing often occur, yet they do not have to exist. But not too many couples would admit to being in competition with one another. This competition may arise from the core of feelings of insecurity and threats to one’s identity. But these are unnecessary threats if the source of our identity and security in Jesus Christ is realized. Which marriages survive when the woman earns more or achieves more than her husband? Marriages in which both individuals have a strong sense of self-esteem, respect for one another, and a willingness to support and encourage one another. Look for this in your premarital couple.
An overlooked arena for marital authority struggles is emotional power. This can be even more serious than the other problems mentioned. When a person is told what to do most of the time, when decisions are made for that person, when he or she looks to the other person as the authority, we have emotional dependency. Some couples are comfortable with this style. Many others are quite frustrated. One wife told me, “I wish I had some say in what we do or where we go. But my husband always overrides me, and I end up thinking that he is right. His ideas do make sense, and he is able to decide so quickly. It takes me longer, and I tend to waver back and forth with my decisions. But sometimes I just wish I could have some say.”
Not everyone who holds the power is content with that style of relationship. One husband reflected, “I wish she wasn’t so dependent on me. I would like her to make some decisions, stick with them, and carry them out. There are times I get so frustrated with having to make decisions that are so simple and ridiculous. Why can’t she make up her mind? I even get phone calls at work about simple decisions. I feel like a parent!”
In a healthy marriage relationship, each person leans on the other from time to time. But because of our culture, dependency has become a problem word. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient. We put little value on being dependent, so who wants to admit he is dependent? We all struggle with problems in our lives that we can’t solve by ourselves. We need the help of another person. There are some emotional needs that cannot be satisfied alone. A marital relationship can provide the most intense and enduring support.
There are times in a marriage when each spouse parents the other by giving assistance and comfort. That’s all right if the roles switch back and forth and each person maintains his or her own identity
One husband told me, “At work, I’m seen as being strong and sometimes even tough by the others. But if they only knew. There are days when I doubt my abilities, my decisions, even if I’m in the right job. I can’t share that stuff with them. But I can share it with my wife. She’s safe, and she knows how to listen. Sometimes she reassures me and gives me advice, but mostly she just accepts me. Yeah, I guess I depend upon her at those times, and that’s all right. I like it and I need it. Other times she sure depends on me.” A healthy marriage is one in which the partners take turns leaning on one another.
When couples have disagreements, they usually are not fighting over the problem they think they are. Frequently the disagreement is over who will be in control of the relationship at that moment. Many couples compete for both power and attention. Underlying the need for attention is the desire to feel recognized or significant.
Couples argue about how long, how big, how small, what color—all seemingly insignificant facts. But are they really debating over facts? They may think so. I hear this kind of debate all the time in my office. But the real issue is not the facts or who is right or wrong—the issue is who is going to control the relationship. Power!
Some of these arguments are so intense, it’s as though each is fighting for survival. If they have intense needs to be in control, it is survival and that’s why the emotions become so intense.
When both couples have definite ideas and strong wills, defining “who’s in charge in what area” is the best way to maintain harmony. The difficulties come when clarification or precedent has not been set for carrying out tasks. This is true in the home and just as true when couples work together outside the home. When each person is accustomed to being in charge, they have to identify the areas. The chapter on decision making in both Before You Say I Do and So You’re Getting Married can help the couple in clarifying present and future decisions.
If one is more dominant than the other, and the spouse is used to being a follower, it is vital to encourage the more submissive one to enter into decisions and become more independent. You might be thinking, “But won’t that encourage a power struggle?” No, power struggles do not have to occur between strong individuals. It’s what you do with your strength that makes the difference.
In marriage, many power issues and conflicts are tied into the differences between what “he wants” and “she wants,” what “he needs” and “she needs,” what “she expects” and “he expects.” Other power struggles occur not over the need to control but because of the fear of being controlled. The possession and use of power determines how and when decisions are made in a marriage.
Power is manifested in many ways. Let’s consider some of the most common power styles. Perhaps you can identify your own and your spouse’s even as you help the premarital couple identify theirs.
In the passive-submissive style, the individual usually follows his spouse’s leading and decision-making. Often, he likes his partner to make the decisions and take the load off him—and he prefers being dependent. Perhaps his spouse enjoys this tendency. The balance in the marriage is maintained unless one of them begins to change. And then everything begins to fall apart. On a scale of 0–10, have the couple indicate with a check mark where they would fall on this power style. Then put an X to indicate where they feel their partner falls (see scale below).
The passive-aggressive appears to be a follower but has great ability to sabotage the decisions. This person does not manifest any outward show of power but is highly proficient at manipulation. “Outwardly compliant but inwardly a rebel” is the name of the game. This person tends to be late, forgetful, makes vague put-down statements that leave his or her partner wondering what was said. He or she goes along with a decision but then does something to make it lose its value. This person might agree to take a short camping vacation but acts inept, negative, or burns every meal. The trip isn’t worth the hassle.
Why are people like this? Many have never learned to come straight out with their desires. They are afraid of confrontation, rejection, and being disappointed. And they deny how much power they have. Again, using the 0–10 scale, with 0 representing “not at all” and 10 “definitely,” have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style continuum. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls.
The passive sufferer displays power a different way. He/she goes along with the partner’s decisions, but suffers as a result. His suffering may be used to get back at the partner, to bring about guilt, or to display self-righteousness. Often this person lets others know in his own way how much he is suffering. Such people have gone to the college of martyrdom for their degree. Again, on a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power-style continuum. Have each use an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls.
The assertive-controlling person tends to insist that his/her demands be met. This person feels that he or she has won when the partner gives in. And the point of winning is what’s important—more so than the issue. This comes at the partner’s expense, however. On a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls.
The assertive-adapter displays the ideal response. This person can openly assert his needs to his spouse but is also willing to adapt to meet his partner’s demands. This unique person is comfortable using power and relinquishing power—a rare combination. In the relationship where both parties are assertive adapters, each knows the beliefs and values of his or her partner. He also knows his own needs will be taken into consideration. Opinions of others are considered. On a scale of 0–10, have each partner indicate with a check mark where he or she would fall on this power style. Have each put an X to indicate where he/she feels the partner falls.
It is not uncommon for a partner to respond one way in a particular issue or category and then shift to another pattern of power display for another issue. It sounds strange, but it occasionally happens.
To help the couple identify the balance and display of power in their future marriage, have them consider how decisions will be made in a number of common areas of marriage. This should help them identify what will occur in their future relationship. Have them complete the survey “Decision-Making Time” (on p. 199) for the next session.2
Later, have the couple discuss their selections and their spouse’s. The counselor should help them identify both reasons for this and the potential conflicts.
Robert A. Schuller, Jr., talks about his parents and what has worked for them in The Positive Family. Though the Schullers do not always agree, their son reports, they have remained married for more than thirty years. These guidelines have helped many couples.
My mother, Arvella Schuller, … explains that they have a scale of nonapproval. When she and Dad disagree, they measure the depth of the intensity of nonagreement on a scale of one to ten:
1. The lowest level is, “I’m not enthusiastic, but go ahead if you want to.” From there the intensity of the comments increases.
2. “I don’t see it the way you do, but I may be wrong, so go ahead.”
3. “I don’t agree. I’m sure you’re wrong. But I can live with it. Go ahead.”
4. “I don’t agree, but I’ll be quiet and let you have your way. I can change it to my way later on. Next year I can repaint, repaper, reupholster it my way.”
5. “I don’t agree, and I cannot remain silent. I love you, but I will not be able to keep from expressing my disapproval. So don’t be offended if you hear me expressing a contrary view.”
6. “I do not approve, and I make a motion we postpone and delay action until we both are able emotionally and rationally to reevaluate our positions. Give me more time.”
7. “I strongly disapprove. This is a mistake—costly, not easily corrected—and I stand firm. I cannot and will not go along with it.”
8. “My answer is no! I will be so seriously upset if you go ahead that I cannot predict what my reaction will be.”
9. “No way! If you go ahead I have to tell you I quit; I’ll walk out!”
10. “No—no—no! Over my dead body!”
My father maintains that in more than thirty years of marriage he and Mom never went above a six in their level of disagreement. As I think back to growing up in their home, I would say that he is correct, for the most part. They may have hit a seven or an eight once or twice, but they usually stopped at number six, which really means, “I love you very, very much. Since I can’t tell you what this is going to do to our relationship, which is obviously more important than the decision, let’s wait and think about it … give me time to see your viewpoint and what you feel.”3
Sometimes I will give couples additional assignments, such as asking them to give me a written response to the question, “What are you bringing to this marriage that will make it work?” One woman wrote:
I am bringing a love for Jack and a desire to meet his needs. I am aware of his strengths and his weaknesses. I realize the importance of unselfish giving and feel, for the most part, I am capable of that. I have common sense, intelligence, and leadership abilities that are important in caring for a home and a family. I am not governed by emotions and I usually am willing to express and talk about problems. I have a forgiving spirit and a sense of humor.
Read statements A through E.
A. I like my spouse to take the lead and make decisions in this area.
B. I let my spouse make decisions in this area, but often resent it and subtly resist it.
C. My spouse makes decisions in this area. I go along but oftentimes suffer and feel that I’m sacrificing.
D. I am pretty good at asserting my needs in this area, but I can compromise.
E. I assert my needs in this area, but have a difficult time when compromise is required.
The following is a list of decisions that commonly are made in marriages. Next to each decision, place the letter corresponding to the statement above that is most suited to how you feel about the way the decision will be made in your marriage:
_____ Choosing what leisure activity to do together.
_____ Deciding how often we clean our home.
_____ Making major purchases for our home, like furniture, a dishwasher, etc.
_____ Making major purchases for outside our home, like a car or a lawn mower.
_____ Deciding who initiates sex.
_____ Deciding how often to see family.
_____ Deciding how much money we save.
_____ Deciding how often to entertain friends and family.
_____ Deciding where to live.
_____ Deciding how to celebrate special occasions, like birthdays and holidays.
_____ Choosing cards and gifts for family members.
_____ Deciding how committed we are to our jobs.
_____ Other (Please identify) _________
One young man brought the following written response to the premarital counseling session:
I believe that I am bringing much to marriage that will help it to be successful. My faith in Christ is the greatest single element that will make our marriage successful. I believe beyond all doubt that God designed for us to be joined in marriage. I have abilities in leadership that will allow me to carry out my role as head of my house. I have confidence that I can carry the responsibility of marriage. I am willing to sacrifice things that I want for the attainment of the highest good. I have an understanding of what God intended a marriage to be. I have tremendous determination to make my marriage successful above all else. I see marriage as a top priority. I have an ability to sense the needs of others, and I have strengths in being able to listen to people.
Here you have two examples of what people feel they are bringing to a marriage relationship that will make it work. Of course, people’s comments are not always of this quality. Some are lacking; their reasons for marriage might be very immature. I remember one person who wrote, “He makes me feel good all the time. He causes me to laugh. I feel fun with him.” Her response was superficial, and it did not include the qualities she would bring to marriage. When people’s comments are of this nature, we need to discuss their ideas and the realities of marriage in depth. If one’s reasons for marriage are superficial—looks, youth—those reasons might disappear; then what is left of the marriage relationship?
Sometimes this leads to other questions you can ask to direct the couple’s thinking even deeper. The first is: “Name the personal characteristics that you possess that will build up a marriage. Name the personal characteristics your partner possesses that might tend to tear down the marriage.” I have the couple write down their answers; then we share them. By this time the couple is quite perceptive, with a real freedom to discuss and share.
Because of the differences I see on the T-JTA or discovered conflicts, I ask a question that elicits some surprise: “How are you going to change your mate?” Sometimes they look back as though to say, “What do you mean, ‘change my mate?’ He’s perfect the way he is.” You might have to reemphasize this by saying, “Well, most people do find some behavior or attitudes in their fiance or their spouse that irritate or bother them, and they might want to change them. Now, how are you going to go about changing this person?” Or, better yet, “What have you already done to change the person?” The man might say, “I don’t want to change her. She’s exactly as I like her.” This might be true for now. On the other hand, some people who appear to have this attitude are actually thinking, “After I get married, I’m going to start modifying him.”
It is unfortunate when we attempt to turn another person into a revised edition of ourselves. In marriage counseling, I sometimes encounter a spouse who will say, “You know, the thing that attracted me to this individual when we were dating and when we were engaged is the very thing that I’m trying so desperately to change right now. I liked it to begin with, but now I am trying to change it.” I may ask, “Are you successful?” More often than not the response is, “Why, no, that’s why I’m here. It isn’t working.”
As we look at this matter of attempting to change one’s mate, we start exploring some of the attitudes and ideas that the two people might have toward each other. I want them to understand a fundamental concept: if you really want to change the person that you’re married to, you change yourself. As Cecil Osborne argues in The Art of Understanding Your Mate, this is the way you change your spouse. The other person will change in response to the changes that he or she sees in your life. But if your goal is trying to modify or change the other person, it is not going to work. We have to begin with ourselves.
A friend told me that for many years he kept praying that God would change his wife and his children. And for some reason God did not seem to answer him in the way he wanted, and his wife and children did not change. Then one day he started praying in a very different way. He said, “Lord, change my life. Change me, mold me into the kind of man and husband and father I need to be.” Then the man said, “You know, the strangest thing happened. My wife and my children changed.” They changed because he changed.
If young married people would work on needed changes in their own lives, then the partner’s defects and problems would not seem as large. Naturally, most couples do find areas that concern them. It is unrealistic to think that a person will be totally accepting. Some faults or behavior ought to be altered. A couple needs the freedom to express their concerns and irritations to one another, but they cannot force one another to change. All they can do is to bring problems to the other’s awareness, then leave it up to the partner to respond as he or she sees fit.
Two additional principles of changing one’s spouse could be pointed out to the couple. One concerns complaints. When most individuals make a complaint it is done in a negative and general manner. An example would be, “You’re never affectionate.” That is likely to generate a defensive response. Reversing it is more likely to bring about a positive response. Complaints should be positive and specific; in other words, point to the desired behavior that you would like to see rather than focusing upon the problem. A statement like, “I would appreciate it if you would touch me and hold me some each day” stated in a positive, loving tone of voice is more likely to bring a positive response.
The second principle in changing another person involves the method. When a person wants to eliminate an undesirable behavior in his spouse he usually goes about it in such a way that he reinforces the behavior he does not like. I ask the couple for examples or ways in which that occurs, and usually they are aware of the problem.
Change takes time, patience, and adaptability. But it begins with the individual, not the partner.
1. H. Norman Wright. So You’re Getting Married (Ventura, Calif.: Gospel Light, 1985), pp. 96–97. Copyright 1985, Regal Books, Ventura CA 93003. Used by permission.
2. Miriam Arond and Samuel Pauker. The First Year of Marriage (New York: Warner Books, 1987), pp. 106–7, adapted.
3. Robert A Schuller, Jr., Power to Grow Beyond Yourself (Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1987), pp. 175–76.