During the fourth through the sixth sessions, the counselor should discuss the couple’s responses to the homework assignments from Before You Say I Do, especially chapters 4 and 5, “Expectations” and “Goals.” Those chapters are essential because they help eliminate some of the conflict-producing surprises from marriage and help to give direction to the marriage.
The homework project on expectations requires each partner to list twenty expectations of their mate after they are married and tell his/her fiance those expectations. Then each partner reads the other’s twenty expectations for him or her. Finally, the partner marks the likelihood of fulfilling each expectation, using the letter C, S, or N for cinch, sweat, or no way. Once he/she has completed the evaluation of the other’s expectations, he/she returns the list and spends some time discussing it.
Many surprises emerge from this exercise, and it has proved to be one of the most helpful. One of the reasons for this exercise is that unfulfilled expectations generate frustration that leads to anger. Eventually those unfulfilled expectations can evolve into demands. One spouse senses the demanding tone in the other’s voice and is offended by it.
A husband’s demands might be: “I demand that you get up first and cook my breakfast.” “I demand that you always be home when I arrive after working all day.” “I demand that you dress the way I’ve suggested in order to please me.” Meanwhile, the wife may find her expectations changing into demands too. A wife’s demands might be: “I demand that you work around the house every Saturday.” “I demand that you spend time with the children.” “I demand that you become the spiritual leader in the home.”
Joseph Maxwell describes the negative effects of such demands:
Most of us are unaware of the demands we make on our spouse to exhibit certain traits or behaviors. What we are aware of is the feeling of anger or annoyance we experience when we are frustrated in realizing our demands. The feeling is so strong, so dependable, so apparently autonomous that we think it is not only justified but unavoidable. We believe that the feeling is caused by our spouse’s failure rather than our demand. This occurs because we are very aware of the failure but are largely unaware of the demand which designates the failure as a bad event.
Demandingness is a formidable barrier to marital growth because the person doing the demanding is likely to spend most of his or her time and energy catastrophizing and pitying self, and to spend little creative energy in planning ways to develop the relationship. Since every behavior of a spouse necessarily evokes a responsive behavior from the other spouse, such personally upsetting behavior as is produced by demandingness will usually have significant effects on the actions and feelings of the partner. In most cases, when one partner reacts negatively the other one responds by behaving equally negatively, creating an endless cycle of demandingness that leads away from growth and development of the relationship.
If one spouse is willing to give up his or her demandingness, the cycle can not only be stopped, but reversed toward strengthening the marriage.1
Here is a list of one man’s expectations. Those checked (X) are the ones his fiance was unsure about her ability to fulfill.
1. Personal daily Bible study—at least five days a week.
2. I take care of finances (paying bills on time—not late); we get weekly allowances.
3. Faithful sexually.
X 4. Exercise three times a week (1/2 hour each).
5. Own a dog and allow him to roam in living room (but not on the furniture).
6. Allow me to keep guns and not sell them.
X 7. Equal participating in household chores (she assigned a house cleaner once a week).
8. Have two or three children.
9. She does not work while any of the children are under five and not in school.
X 10. Never nag.
11. Allow me to work out and go to exercise classes at least one day a week.
12. Encourage me to study.
13. Take the time to consider and listen to words and activities.
14. Have summit meetings every three months.
X 15. Spend one meal together daily if possible.
16. We buy one major thing at a time.
17. Credit cards are for emergencies only!
18. Nothing disturbs our meals together (phone off the hook).
X 19. My clothes mended within two weeks.
X 20. Dishes done daily.2
The next question to consider is the goals that the couple has for their marriage relationship. Here are some goals that were brought in by a young woman. These are just as she expressed them:
First of all, to encourage the spiritual growth of each person. To encourage the physical, mental, and emotional growth of the other person. To produce an environment and relationship that reflects God’s love to others. To raise children who know and love God and are equipped to live in society. To produce a relationship and home that is full of joy and excitement. To have a relationship where the basic needs of each person can be met in the other.
Now notice the difference between the above list and the next one. The goals of the following list are much more specific, time related, and measurable.3
1. Make the first four minutes together (morning, evening, and so on) quality time of building and affirming daily affection.
2. Pray together on our knees in a good-sized prayer session (10-15 min.) once weekly, and pray together daily (not just meals).
3. Study the Bible together once a week besides individual quiet times and/or reading Scripture at supper.
4. Refine communication patterns so that we go to sleep only after both partners are satisfied that they are understood and accepted by the other, and all is forgiven.
5. Practice hospitality. Have kids or a couple of friends over for a meal twice a month.
6. Get feedback on how marriage is going once a month. Take a two-to-three-hour block and discuss growth and satisfactions as well as dissatisfaction and “unimportant things.”
7. Strive for sexual patterns that are creative, satisfying, and exciting to both partners most of the time; understanding of partner’s moods, and so on.
8. Seek to use each other as our best critics; seek constructive criticism from each other and be able to give it.
One of the questions to explore at this time is: “What will you as a partner do to attain these goals?” The counselor can determine how detailed a plan the individual or the couple has worked out to achieve their mutual goals. If they need help, you can assist them.
Next you may want to spend some time getting the couple’s reactions to the reading and listening materials. By now they should have completed their individual books and listened to the “Intended for Pleasure” tape series.
Sometimes when you ask, “What do you think of the material you’re reading?” one person may say, “I really didn’t like it. It didn’t help me at all. I don’t see why you asked me to read it.” This is a time when you need to be careful and refrain from being defensive. Simply ask the person to elaborate: “Well, can you tell me more about that? What are some of the things you didn’t like?” This leads into a discussion, and perhaps you will see that the reading was hitting too close to home. The person may have seen himself in some of the cases mentioned. Or he found some problems brought out in his life for the first time and did not know how to handle them.
It is helpful to get feedback concerning the books; it also serves as a reminder to the couple that they need to keep up on their reading. I require a couple to complete all the reading before we have finished premarital counseling.
On occasion, you may spend some time talking about sex, the honeymoon, and children. Attitudes expressed earlier may indicate that it is essential to spend some time talking in this area. It is helpful to talk with the couple about the way in which the Scriptures present the subject of sex. God created sex, and it is to be used for several specific purposes. Procreation is not the only purpose of sex; sex is also meant for pleasure; it is a means of relating to one another and being close to one another; it is a time of giving to each other.
The counselor also needs to talk about specific details, because sometimes couples make mistakes as they go into the sexual relationship. Quite often the woman has heard quite a bit of discussion about the question, “Do women really have orgasms?” She might have misconceptions. The series of tapes by Dr. Wheat helps reduce the time spent in counseling in this area. They answer many questions ahead of time.
Encourage the couple to be able to talk together freely about sex. One of the factors that contributes to a healthy sexual relationship is the ability to talk about what they are doing when they are doing it. If something is not pleasing to one, he or she should say so. If one is not comfortable, he or she should express it. I also point out that if one person is having difficulty adjusting sexually, it might not be just his or her own fault or responsibility, but a matter of both partners working together. There is a kind of tuning process that has to occur as each individual comes to know what the other person’s body is like and how they relate together.
I tell the couple that there is no set time or set place in the house where the sexual relationship must occur. They need flexibility and freedom about time and place. They also need to be aware of the importance of cleanliness: taking a shower or a bath is very important because the nose is so sensitive to odors. Odor can either excite an individual or actually inhibit excitement.
The counselor should talk frankly and directly to the man, because men sometimes have a tendency to be insensitive to some of the little things that are important to a woman, especially the idea of showing her affection at all times during the day. A man should give his wife frequent hugs and kisses without each one having to lead to the bedroom. Some women have complained that the only time their husbands expressed affection to them was when they wanted intercourse. Affection and attention should occur every day whether intercourse is intended or not. Often couples rush around all day at a frantic pace, and then all of a sudden they arrive in the bedroom. They’re exhausted, but they feel, “Well, now’s the time that we have to express our love toward one another sexually,” and they do not achieve the satisfaction they ought to be achieving. Timing and sensitivity are basic.
One basic procedure is for both individuals to have thorough physical exams by their medical doctor before the wedding. In most states certain blood tests have to be performed before a couple can obtain a marriage license. If neither party has a doctor or knows of one in the area, I give them a list of several names. The tape series by Dr. Wheat discusses methods of contraception; encourage the couple to continue this discussion with their doctor.
When it comes to the honeymoon, there are several suggestions to make concerning sexual behavior. Some couples seem to be convinced that intercourse is mandatory on the wedding night. But this could be the worst time if the couple has had a busy day, an eight o’clock wedding, a reception at the church, another reception at the parents’ home afterwards, the get-away at one o’clock in the morning, a drive of a hundred miles, and the arrival at a strange motel at two or three in the morning. The couple is exhausted physically and emotionally, but then they feel, “We must have relations.” Often it is a disappointment for both. If they will be very busy on their wedding day, including a late wedding, I suggest that they just get some sleep, and when they awake in the morning, they will have plenty of time, they will be relaxed and have their strength back, and they can have an experience that will be very beautiful. We must also caution them against expecting too much from the sexual relationship, especially if it is the first time. Most couples learn to respond to one another; the satisfaction and enjoyment they derive from the sexual relationship ten years later is generally much better than the initial encounter.
Tell them a sense of humor helps, because both of them could make some mistakes. They may feel uncomfortable, awkward, slightly embarrassed, and not know exactly what to do. We have heard of situations where the bed has collapsed or somebody has fallen out of bed, or there’s a short in the wiring in the building and suddenly the lights come on. These are shocking events, but a sense of humor will help the couple work toward a healthy adjustment.
Now is a good time to discuss how many children the couple would like to have, and when they plan to have children. Even though they do not have children at this point (at least most couples we see do not have children), this is an opportunity to talk with them about the importance of being united in their principles for disciplining and rearing their children. The counselor can suggest two or three books at this time.
I also suggest that when it comes time for them to consider having a family, one of the best educational experiences they could have to prepare themselves for children would be to volunteer to work in either the nursery department or the toddler department of their church. They should work as a team, teaching and helping the children for six to ten months. They will become better acquainted with what children are like and have a better idea of what to expect when their own children come along.
From time to time a pastor finds himself counseling people who present an unusual set of circumstances. One such couple that I counseled arrived for the session together. The woman, we’ll call her Sally, was twenty-eight years of age and had been married before. Her previous husband had been on drugs, had been involved with several other women, and had deserted the family. She had one child, who was about eight. Sally was on welfare because of the lack of support from her previous husband. She was a born-again Christian.
In contrast, Jeff was forty and had never been married. He had not had any real dating experience before meeting Sally, but they had been dating now for about a year and a half, and seemed to be very much in love. Sally was about four or five inches taller than Jeff, and other differences were apparent in terms of their personality makeup.
What would be your response to this couple? What areas of adjustment would you focus on? And what are some of the questions you might ask them?
I explored several areas with these two individuals. Sally had been living on her own for some time and had assumed the role and responsibility of both mother and father. She had been required to take responsibility for all areas of the home. Would she be willing to give up appropriate areas to her new husband? They had already discussed this and worked out a solution.
Another potential problem was that Jeff had not dated much and had waited until he was almost forty before deciding to get married. What was the reason for this? He just had not found the woman God wanted him to marry.
Another area of concern was the difference in their stature. We discussed it; both of them felt very comfortable about it.
Would Jeff be able to adjust to the woman’s eight-year-old daughter? One of the positive elements in the relationship was related to his employment: Jeff had been an elementary school physical education teacher for eighteen years. He knew what elementary-age children were like and had worked with them; in fact, he had already assumed some of the role of helping to discipline within the home. This had already been worked out, and Sally’s daughter felt very positively about this man. There were differences, and yet they were aware of them and were working on them.
Another factor had to be considered: Would he be aware of the added costs in caring for a family? We discussed in detail some of the new expenses he would be having in this family life. In a case like this it would be helpful for Jeff to accompany Sally to a department store and discover the cost of women’s and children’s clothing.
All in all, this couple was a delight to counsel. They were both genuine Christians; the Person of Christ seemed to be at the center of their relationship. They had already made a positive adjustment.
In-laws are a topic for discussion. Unfortunately, over the years in-laws have been the brunt of so many jokes that we assume that a couple will experience difficulty with them. It is important to explore a couple’s feelings about and relationships with both sets of parents. Many questions can be asked here. What is each one’s attitude toward their parents and their fiance’s parents? Much of this may have been discussed already.
We ask, “How close are you going to live to them?” “Do you feel that it would be possible for you to live a thousand miles away from your own parents?” If a couple or individual is incapable of living far away from their own parents, they might not be ready for marriage. A person shall “leave” his parents and “cleave” to his wife, according to Genesis 2:24. The word leave in the Hebrew actually means “to abandon, to forsake, to cut off, to sever a relationship before you start a new one.” Those words are used in a positive sense and do not mean alienation of family members. But it is important to realize that some people may leave home physically but not emotionally. Perhaps the idea of living that far away can assist us in determining whether the person can really make that separation from the parents.
Parents and children need to say good-bye to one another when a marriage occurs. Neither child nor parents will have the same kind of access to one another after the marriage that they had before. Marriage is a developmental milestone for both of them. The marriage will change the way in which both relate to one another. Marriage has been called a passage into adulthood. Both parents and children will be experiencing a form of loss at this time although parents probably feel it more. Robert Stahmann and William Hiebert describe the difficulty in this way:
Some families enable their children to go away, to become independent, and to be responsible, functioning adults. Other families hang on, making decisions for their children, interrupting the children’s decision-making process, and continuing to take responsibility for them. In the process, these families cripple the ability of children to become independent and responsible. Thus, children enter late adolescence or young adulthood physically ready and able to enter marriage but still not adult in terms of their own responsibility and decision-making ability. These families have made so many decisions for their children that even as young adults, these children still need somebody to help them live, to get them up in the morning, to see to it that they go to work, and so on. It is as if these families somehow do not successfully resolve the young persons’ dependency needs.4
To initiate the discussion about in-laws and their influence upon the couple’s life I ask, “How and where do you want to spend your first Thanksgiving and Christmas?” In practically all cases, the asking of this question elicits a strong response that usually is already an in-law conflict. Often parents assume that the new couple will fit into their own family traditions without allowing the couple any voice of their own.
One couple responded by saying, “We have already worked through that problem. Her folks and mine had already made plans for us. We told them, however, that we wanted our first Thanksgiving and Christmas to be special, and so we had rented a cabin in the mountains for the two of us. The parents aren’t the happiest about the decision, but they are accepting it. The next year then we can all work it out together where we will be.”
Several other questions should be asked. They include, “How do you anticipate dealing with your parents after marriage? How do you anticipate dealing with your in-laws? How much time do you feel you will want to spend with your parents and in-laws in the first year of your marriage? How near do you plan to live to your parents or in-laws? If you visit one set of parents one week, do you feel that you need to visit the other set of parents another week?” These are basic questions, but they are subject areas that have not been dealt with by most couples.
The information you receive back from the parents on their forms will help you in your discussion with the couple.
Why is it so important that individuals leave home psychologically? There are several important reasons. Those who have not left home keep getting caught up in family problems. Because of the crises going on in the larger families, their own marriage tends to stay in crisis. A second factor is that individuals who have not left home psychologically tend to look for partners who might continue the parenting that they received at home. They look for a person who will take care of them rather than be an equal partner. Those who have not yet separated from their parents usually come from homes in which the parents do not want them to separate.
In-laws can be an excellent resource in terms of emotional support and advice. Young couples need to look at them as they would at other friends. Looking at them with a positive attitude builds the relationship. During the counseling session, if one individual is having difficulty with the other’s parents, you could ask, “What might you have been doing to bring on this problem? What might they have been doing? What have you done to try to bring about a reconciliation?”
The counselor can present certain guidelines about in-laws to the couple. Some of these are just common sense principles. For instance, a person should treat his in-laws with the same consideration and respect that he gives to friends who are not in-laws. When in-laws take an interest in your life and give advice, do what you would do if a friend gave advice. If it is good, follow it; if it is not good, accept it graciously and then ignore it. Remember that many times when in-laws appear too concerned with your affairs, they are not trying to interfere in your life but are sincerely interested in your welfare.
Remind the individual to look for the good points in his or her in-laws. The visits should be kept short, yet the son- or daughter-in-law should act as thoughtful, courteous, and helpful as when he/she is visiting homes of other friends. That means accepting the in-laws as they are.
The individuals should go into marriage with a positive attitude toward their in-laws. They should believe it is a good family to marry into and intend to enjoy their new family. At the same time, the partner should express the faults of his spouse only to her, not to his parents. He should not quote his parents nor hold them up as models to his spouse. Remind the couple that it takes at least two people to create an in-law problem; no one person is ever solely to blame.
Ask the individual if there is anything he/she has never shared with the partner. Sometimes I ask a couple to discuss a subject that they have not talked about much, or a controversial subject. It is healthy for the couple to disagree in your presence; it allows you to see some of the communication principles they might be employing to handle their disagreements. If they have such a discussion, ask them to sit face-to-face, to move their chairs so they are looking at one another. Many times married couples learn to communicate “from the hip,” as we call it. They run past each other on the way to the other room, or the wife is in one room fixing the dinner, and the husband is in the other room reading the paper. They talk to one another but rarely have eye contact. I want the couple to experience looking into each other’s face and to note some of the nonverbal communication. Once they are settled face-to-face, I sit back and let them talk for two or three minutes, or even for ten minutes.
Another method that will aid communication is to record the conversation (asking their permission to do so, and keeping the tape recorder out of their view). Then play back some of the discussion so that all of you can analyze communication. This can be a very enjoyable experience. People are surprised to hear how they express themselves to others.
As counselors we look at a couple to determine if they have the ability to share on a deep emotional and feeling level. We want them to be able to share their convictions, their ideas, their philosophies, and not only that, but how they feel about some of their ideas and beliefs. Many people communicate only on what we call the “cliché level.” They talk about the weather; they talk about how they feel physically; they talk about some mundane subject, but they do not get down to serious problems and topics. They do not talk about their relationship. In premarital counseling, in a sense we are forcing people to talk about items that they have not wanted to talk about but really need to discuss.
Counseling gives us an opportunity to share some basic principles of communication with the couple. A basis for communication is an atmosphere in which people can express their ideas and their beliefs, no matter what they are. We also emphasize that they cannot really avoid controversy, so they might as well learn to face some of the difficulties. Using the silent treatment against another person is very unfair and does not solve the problem. If you have a couple who already has this tendency, you could work with the more verbal individual and ask, “When your partner retreats and becomes silent and won’t communicate with you, how are you going to get him or her to communicate?”
Often people who are verbal fall into the trap of putting pressure on that nonverbal person. They will say, “Why don’t you talk to me? I want to listen to you. Tell me what you’re thinking.” And the more pressure they put on, the more the other individual withdraws. One of the best ways to solve this problem is for the verbal person to say, “I do want to hear what you have to say, and I do want to listen. I’m also willing to wait until you find it comfortable to express yourself.” Then back off and do not mention it again. It might take ten minutes; it might take an hour for the person to communicate. And when he does talk, it is imperative for the verbal one not to make value judgments such as, “Well, where did you ever get a ridiculous idea like that? That’s really stupid!” If this happens the quiet one realizes that it is not worthwhile to reveal what he believes, because he will be criticized.
By now the couple should be reading How to Speak Your Spouse’s Language. After they have completed the first five chapters, have them bring in a list of the ten most important principles that will assist them in their life together.
During the next week or so they will be completing the chapters on communication and conflict resolution in Before You Say I Do that will assist the couple in further growth in this area. You might want to ask them during the fourth session if they have any questions or reactions to the chapter on need fulfillment in marriage.
From time to time you will have a couple who is not using Before You Say I Do, or you believe some of the projects should be done in your presence. If the topic area of needs fulfillment is handled in the session, it is done in the following way.
The counselor asks each person to take four sheets of 8 ½- by 11-inch paper and draw a line down the middle of each one. One sheet should be titled “Social Needs.” Another should be called “Physical Needs,” another “Emotional Needs,” and the last, “Spiritual Needs.” On the left side of the page the individual should list as many of the needs as he or she can for this area of his life. On the right side of the paper he/she should list what his future spouse could do to meet those needs. The couple does not talk about the lists during the week. They bring the lists with them their session.
At the session, each page is folded in half so that the future spouse can read the list of needs but not the way he can fulfill those needs. The couple exchanges their two folded papers with each other. Then at home during the week, each one should read in detail the future spouse’s list of needs. On a separate piece of paper he will write what he thinks he can do to fulfill those needs. When the couple returns the next week, they can open the other side of their papers and share their ideas of how to meet the needs with the other’s list. Then they can discuss this together.
By now you have covered much of the content of the third and fourth sessions. There are occasions in which you will not cover it all in two sessions and may have to continue it into the fifth session.
Between the third and fourth sessions the couple is given several assignments that are due by the fifth session. First, they are asked to have Bible study and prayer together. Many couples have already started, but some have not. In fact, some have said, “What do we do? We’ve never done it before.” This is an opportunity to share some basic principles with them.
You may need to remind them to remind their parents to complete their assignment and send it to you.
1. Joseph Maxwell, “A Rational Emotive Approach to Strengthening Marriage,” in Nick Stinnett, Barbara Chesser, and John DeFrain, eds., Building Family Strengths: Blueprint for Action (Lincoln, Neb.: U. of Nebraska, 1979), p. 112.
2. H. Norman Wright, So You’re Getting Married (Ventura, Calif.: Regal, 1985), p. 110.
3. Ibid, pp. 115-16, adapted.
4. Robert E. Stahmann and William J. Hiebert, Premarital Counseling (Lexington, Mass.: Lexington Books, 1980), p. 19.