They sat in my office deadlocked. They were young, intelligent, college educated, and on their way toward successful careers. But they had just returned from a visit to his home and family; now everything seemed to be falling apart.
“I am so glad we were able to visit them before we were married,” she said. “It cost a great deal financially, but I needed to know what I found out before I married him. I just assumed that everyone from his background and culture was like Jim. But his family isn’t. The culture of his country is much more different than I had been led to believe. And Jim changed when we were there. He wasn’t the same as he is here. He seemed to pick up the characteristics of his own culture and fit right back in again. That isn’t the man I fell in love with. Nor is it the man I want to live with the rest of my life!”
June had been about to marry a man from a different culture. Fortunately, they delayed the wedding a year so that each could become more informed about the differences. Gradually they were able to work through the issues, and June eventually married her fiance.
Any couple contemplating an interracial marriage will need a greater amount of time to learn the customs of not just their future spouse, but the land from whence they came.
As a counselor, what are your feelings about interracial marriages? Is it a concern? We have to face our own personal feelings on this issue. Are you aware of how to help couples entering into this type of union? Does the Bible have anything to say about interracial marriages for today? It doesn’t appear to clarify this issue.
Are these marriages likely to increase in the next decade? Without a doubt! The population in the United States is changing and mixing much faster than anticipated. Much of the increase has occurred in the Asian population but even more so with Hispanics. Many of these changes have been concentrated in specific areas of the country, such as the western states and especially California. But in other states, such as Texas, Illinois, New York, New Jersey, and Florida, there has been a significant increase in the Asian and Hispanic population also. It is estimated that by the year 2000 more than 25 percent of all Americans will be non-white. One of every three children will be Hispanic, Asian, black, or American native. By the same year non-Hispanic whites will be minorities in New Mexico and California. These changes will impact every phase of society, including marriage. Premarital counseling will be extremely important. Certain states will become more of a melting pot than others. In the late 1970s, already about 50 percent of the marriages in the state of Hawaii were intercultural. Marriage between Chinese and Japanese became so common that not much thought was given to it.1
Years ago there were many more rules and sanctions concerning the selection of a life partner. The basic rule was that one marries one’s own kind. This could include color, culture, family, socioeconomic status, or even profession. But along with the other changes in our society has come the loosening of these strict standards.2
In any kind of a love relationship couples seem to focus upon similarities to the exclusion of differences. Unfortunately, the similarities often serve as a disguise for the extreme diversity that is also present. In the beginning stages of a courtship differences are too often disregarded. They are seen as merely surface problems, challenges, or qualities that make the relationship more interesting and intriguing. But in an interracial marriage a person must discover not only what his future partner is like but a new culture as well. The new person has to be seen in light of the culture in which he or she was raised and in many cases will return to.3
Perhaps one of the greatest concerns is motivation. Why has this couple selected one another for marriage? Is it a mature, positive choice or are there other motivations that are propelling them toward one another? Later in this chapter you will find a list of important questions to consider with a couple, but let’s identify the various common motivating factors that cause some interracial couples to marry. In her excellent book Intercultural Marriage, Dugan Romano identifies seven main motivating factors or types of people who will marry outside their race.4
An outcast person or personality type is one who doesn’t fit or cannot make it in his or her society for one reason or another. Often selecting a person of another race is his attempt to find a place where he does belong or can learn to fit in. It could be he feels that his partner and new culture won’t discover that he is an outcast from his own society. Color, education, or inability to relate socially are some of the reasons for a person’s being an outcast. Consider this possibility as you conduct your premarital counseling with an interracial couple.
Rebels exist in any society. By marrying a person from another culture they often find freedom from what they object to in their own culture or family life. A rebel marries out of a conscious or subconscious protest against something in his own culture, which he reacts against or wants to get away from. Some rebels cross the color line, whereas others cross religious, educational, or even generational lines. But what rebels don’t consider is that the decision to rebel in this way at a particular point in time in their life is really a lifelong commitment. A twenty-year-old who decides to protest in this way may not hold to the same beliefs of protest ten years later. But the evidence of his protest is still with him. As you counsel, evaluate any possibilities of rebellion through this action. How do other significant people in the couple’s life look upon this match?
Another type of person who chooses a person from another culture is called the maverick. You may call him the nonconformist. Nonconformists usually don’t care what others think and are committed to “doing their own thing regardless of other people’s response.” Socially they are not rejects, but they are not much concerned about what their own cultural group thinks of their decisions. They feel comfortable in not being a part of their society, and often they disagree with some of society’s conventional attitudes and beliefs.
Recently I was working with a fifty-seven-year-old father whose daughter fit this category He was concerned not so much about the interracial marriage that was about to occur but how their friends and families would handle the “unique” wedding service his daughter had planned. She was definitely a nonconformist in many ways but yet a gifted and responsible individual. Her choice of lifestyle was not wrong or deviant. It was just different, and her values of what was important to her went counter to her parents’. And the more this father spent time with his European-born fiancée, the more he could see what had attracted his daughter to him. This father was on his way to developing a healthy, positive relationship with his future son-in-law.
Compensators are persons who feel incomplete and are on the search for someone to fill the void in their lives. The motivation that propels them toward marriage is need—they choose someone whom they feel will give them what they need or what they lack in their lives. Many choose someone from their own culture, but those who choose a person from another culture believe that they can only find what they need with a person who is not from their society or culture.
Some compensators come from unstable family relationships and look for a person who has a strong family background. Some come from families in which there has been no intimacy and thus they end up being emotionally needy. The uniqueness and newness of other cultures can be very attractive to the emotionally needy Their attitude is “If my culture can’t provide me with what I need, then this other one can.”
Not all adventurers marry cross-culturally, but many do if it provides them with the excitement that is characteristic of their life. Actually all who marry cross-culturally have a bit of the adventurer within them because they are willing to be different. But the true adventurer is bored with the stable and routine. The differences are simply challenges that add an intensity to life. But how long will the excitement last? Boredom can soon set in, and the adventurer may begin to look elsewhere.
Escapists tend to marry cross-culturally, too. They marry to improve the quality of their life or to get away from life in their own country I have seen this occur with foreign students attending college here in the United States when they discover that life here is much better than in their homeland. But the only way to remain here is to marry a person from this country, and that becomes their goal. Many “war brides” did this during World War II, the Korean War, and the Viet Nam conflict. You may also see a person from an extremely poor background marrying someone who is quite wealthy. Most of us have heard the story of a young, attractive woman marrying an elderly, wealthy man. The financial motivation may be denied, but all too often it is real. Escapists are willing to make a trade-off by marrying in order to gain something else for their own life.
Finally, there are the people who are unstable. This may be an extreme group, but it happens in same-race marriages as well as intercultural. In his book Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, Walter F. Char talks about this in detail and cites some who marry for neurotic, sadistic, or masochistic reasons.
Even though we have these motivations, it is important to consider the fact that an interracial couple may have some solid and healthy reasons for choosing one another. In one way or another every couple who weds is marrying a person from another culture, as discussed earlier in this book. But with an interracial couple, and especially where color differences are apparent and one comes from a different country, the adjustments will be more difficult.
Part of your task will be to help the couple seriously evaluate their motivations for marrying one another and then to consider the cultural differences in as much detail as possible. The greater the number of differences, the more extreme and intense they are, the more difficult it will be for a couple to develop their compatible level. It takes more dedication, commitment, and effort for an interracial marriage to work.
Most problems will not be solved easily just because the couple is aware of the differences and the reasons for them. Therefore, the counselor’s task in working with an intercultural couple is to discover if they have the capability. Culture is something that is learned early in life, and we have strong attachments to what we have learned in the areas of values, habits, and style of life. In order to make the necessary changes and adjustments, the couple must counter the strong emotional attachments that exist.5
Let’s consider the most common adjustment areas that have been identified by interracially married couples. Not all couples will find these as problems and some couples have more difficulty than others handling these issues. As you read through these issues you may want to consider asking the couple what they think will be the problem adjustment areas in their marriages, and then share with them the following items:
Values are very important because they tend to infuse many of the other issues involved in an interracial marriage. A value reflects what is important to the person and what may be seen as good or bad, right or wrong, important or unimportant. Values can be reflected in dress, religion, food, the way one behaves in public or when guests are entertained, and morals.
Food is an issue for many Not only the type of food or the way it is cooked and eaten, but many other factors emerge as well. Consider these cultural differences. A Chinese wife may use her own chopsticks to pass and serve food to family members and guests. For her, this is a way of showing respect, kindness, and intimacy. But to her Japanese husband this is dirty and disrespectful. In his own culture a person uses his own chopsticks and his own bowl. In a Japanese funeral ceremony the chopsticks are used to transfer the bones of the dead from the monk to the family member. The emotional involvement in these conflicting customs overrides the intellectual understanding of the differences.6
The Irish drink at wakes, the Japanese have ritual tea ceremonies, and Jewish sons express love to their mother through the extent of their appetite. Food issues involve what is eaten and how it is prepared, when the main meal is served, where it is eaten, and how it is eaten. Some cultures have the main meal at noon, others in the evening. Even in our country many farm people refer to lunch as dinner and the large meal is eaten at noon. This can be an adjustment for a city person marrying a farm person.
Sex is an issue. Such things as contraception, menstruation, family honor, affection in public, hygiene, dancing, dress, and holding hands in public all could be issues.
Male-female roles will be an adjustment. Much of this will have to do with the issue of male superiority, which differs from culture to culture. In some societies male dominance is subtle, in others it is blatant. In some cultures there is a blending of roles, whereas in others there are prescribed standards.
The use of time is yet another concern. What is late in one culture is not late in another. Some cultures are more relaxed and unhurried than our American system. Some people are used to a large meal at noon and then a nap. If a person marries and moves to his spouse’s country, he not only has to adjust to the person but to the timetable of the land as well.
The other main adjustment areas are where the couple lives, politics, friends, finances, in-laws, social class, religion, dealing with stress, illness and suffering, raising children, and language/communication.7
Let’s consider the last two mentioned. The greatest problem faced by interracial couples is the difficulty of rearing offspring. The children typically are marginal to two different cultures. The adjustments faced by the couple in an interracial marriage can be insignificant in comparison to those faced by children of such a marriage. Dwight Small writes:
Not infrequently there is a very dark child and a very light one in the same family The colored child loves the colored parent and dislikes the other. Or the parent takes to the child of the same color but rejects the other. This is aggravated when other children make fun of the fact that two children in the same family are different in color. Our cruel and competitive culture still brands such children as “half-breeds.” So the crucial question is whether parents have the right to impose upon unborn generations a radical decision of their own.8
Albert Gordon states:
Persons anticipating cross-marriages, however much in love they may be, have an important obligation to unborn children. It is not enough to say that such children will have to solve their own problems “when the time comes.” Intermarriage frequently produces major psychological problems that are not readily soluble for the children of the intermarried. Living as we do in a world that emphasizes the importance of family and religious affiliations, it is not likely that the child will come through the maze of road blocks without doing some damage to himself.
Children may be the recipients of cruel remarks and other unpleasantness. People can be hostile and cruel, and these factors must be considered.9
Children are aware of color differences within their family by the age of three. Both white and black children tend to prefer the physical characteristics of white children and assign more negative attributes to black children.10 Many interracial couples have said that they did fine until they had children. The child becomes the embodiment for the differences in values, family background, and any other issues that the couple has been unable to resolve by the time a child arrives. The naming of the child, the way a child is handled, schooling, questions of sexuality, and so forth, are involved here. Some cultures, such as the Latin, Asian, Middle Eastern, and many European, are much more authoritarian than others. Others, such as North American, Scandinavian, and some island cultures are more lenient and permissive. If these two different orientations mix in marriage and parenthood, there will be conflict. Punishment and discipline styles are the major conflicts over child rearing in these families.11
Nonetheless, children can be a bonding agent in an intercultural marriage, actually strengthening it. “The birth of a child frequently solidifies black/nonblack marriages when other attempts at reconciliation have failed,” writes Fred Prinzing. He argues that as God uses children in the Scriptures to illustrate the true meaning of love, so He can use children to bind together an intercultural couple.12 And another writer disputes the argument that an interracial couple cannot bring happiness to their children.
[People may agree in general that “like belongs to like,” but] there is no authoritative evidence that an interracial home life is harmful to a child … “Like” is an extremely imprecise concept that covers a great deal more than skin color.13
Communication and language problems do not just involve the language. In the beginning of a relationship struggles to understand the other person are accepted and even intriguing, whereas later they become a major problem. In speaking different languages there is more possibility that the messages can be distorted or not fully understood. A positive word in one language may be offensive in another. A title in one language and culture may have a much different interpretation in another. The humor of one culture is not necessarily the humor of another culture. Language can affect the balance of power in a relationship. Usually, the person speaking his own language in his own country (and his partner is not) has the advantage and power. The more fluent person has more influence.
Gestures and body language can have different meanings. Silence means different things in different cultures. Even eye contact varies. For an Arab, trust is developed through eye contact whereas for a Japanese too much eye contact is rude and can become offensive. The distance that one stands in relationship to another person varies. One of my graduate students was raised in Chile and would stand about six inches away from my face when talking to me. At first, I was quite uncomfortable since my personal space had been invaded. But after he explained the difference to me and I talked to him several times, my discomfort left and I purposely would stand close to his face. I enjoyed learning to be more flexible.
In one culture characteristics of being frank, blunt, demonstrative, direct, probing, and aggressive are accepted. But in another they are offensive since that culture values being tentative, discreet, and subtle.
It is true that the differences cited by interracial couples may be the same to some degree for any couple. But that is the difference—degree. They are more pronounced, more intense, more emotionally connected, and the person living in the foreign land soon begins to feel isolated, outnumbered, and lonely.14
For any pastor or counselor involved in counseling interracial couples, it is imperative to become knowledgeable of the issues. I would recommend reading the book Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls, by Romano, and have the couple read this as well. It is both insightful and practical. Most of the couples that I have worked with eventually understood the issues and differences facing them. But it takes more time and clarification with such a couple than with others.
How can the counselor help the couple work through adjusting to their cultural differences? Several adjusting patterns are available. One is the “one-way adjustment” in which one person gives up his or her patterns and takes on the pattern of the spouse. Some cultures may be so strong and dominant that they demand that anyone coming into that culture take on its religion, food, and language. For some couples this is their only alternative since it is the only way to avoid conflict. But a person will never be fully able to submit or be satisfied, because this action denies the aspect of a person’s identity, or who he really is. It may work for a while, but in time it usually breeds resentment.
Some work out their difficulties through the process of compromise or alternatives. Each is willing to give to adjust to the partner’s differences. The problem with compromise is that a person gives up something to get something, and often the trade-off is not satisfying. No one is fully satisfied. I prefer the word resolve. With resolve there are tradeoffs, but sufficient negotiation occurs so that even though each person has given up something, they are pleased with the outcome. This takes time and maturity to occur. Sometimes compromising means doing something one way this time and the other way the next time. Most couples end up learning to do this in their relationship.
One method that doesn’t work well is to reject all aspects of one’s culture and attempt to create your own or go to a country different from either person’s culture. This produces a significant loss for both individuals, and they come to be known as “culture-poor” couples. It’s as though each person is cut adrift and has given up his or her roots.
The most frequent method of adjustment is blending the two cultures. Some call this mixing, some blending, and others consensus.
Naturally, this is the ideal. It involves the sacrifice of the least important issues, those that are not tied into the person’s identity. A sense of identity and rootedness is left intact. They may have conflict, but they return to the issue again and again until there is resolution. One of my relatives married into a Hispanic family Their Thanksgiving holidays are unique in that they have their own turkey dinner but also eat with her family the traditional dinner of enchiladas. The husband’s attitude was “This can be fun and a new learning experience.” Individuals who are rigid and set in their ways will have the most difficulty adjusting. Attitude makes a great deal of difference.
Consider all of the above possibilities with your couples and let them evaluate the consequences of each and then decide whether to marry. They may not have considered all the implications of their choice, and this is where you may need to pose the possibilities.15
For healthy adjustments and understanding before the marriage, the couple must take certain steps for the advance preparation in interracial marriages. If one partner has parents living in another country, visiting the home country is a must, whether the couple plans to live there or not. This may be financially costly, yet experiencing the home of their future partner and capturing the flavor of the culture over a two- to-three-week period of time is a worthwhile investment. It needs to be this long for the “best behavior” period of time to diminish and reality to be experienced. This will give the person an opportunity to observe family roles, male/female role allotment, meal preparation and variety, availability of resources in the city or country, political structure, attitude toward one’s own country, stability of the country, and the like. Many interracial marriages occur between people who have been reared in the same city but in different areas. This makes it easier to enter the other person’s culture for a time.
Spending time with one another’s friends is important to learn about the partner’s taste in friends, his activities, ways of interacting with others, sense of humor, and his response to conflict.
Studying the culture of another person through books, newspapers, movies, films, and even seeking out others from that culture can certainly add much to one’s awareness of the differences. If the couple is aware of any people in the community who lived in that culture for a while, it would be worth his time talking with such people as well. Sometimes missionaries from one’s home church or denomination who have served in that culture can be an excellent source of information.
Sampling the other culture’s food is possible without even going to their country most of the time. The wide variety of restaurants in the metropolitan area or having the potential spouse cook the standard fare for that country will be helpful.
If there is a language difference and the use of the different languages will continue throughout their life, learning each other’s language will be important. I have seen situations arise in my own counseling where the couple can communicate, but one was unable to talk with the partner’s friends or family members. When the other person’s language is learned, then books, music, and films can become a part of learning the culture.
Romano offers five questions or issues that a counselor can raise in helping the couple consider the implications of their decision to marry:16
1. What was it that attracted you to each other? To what extent did each other’s foreign characteristics play a part in the attraction? What was intriguing about that person?
2. What needs might be propelling you toward marriage that the other person might be fulfilling? Could someone from your own culture fulfill them just as well?
3. Describe what was occurring in your life when the two of you met. When were you attracted to each other? Were there any personal or family crises occurring at that time? Were you in a school setting that was quite favorable toward mixed relationships? Was there a greater support system in that environment than you will have when you marry?
4. What are your feelings about the people from your partner’s culture? Who else do you know well from this culture? Have you ever spent any time in your future mate’s country or culture? What are your feelings about cultural differences? What are ten specific differences in your future mate’s culture compared to your own?
5. Ask the couple to do the following during the next week. Make a list of the eight major adjustments they will each have to make during the first five years of marriage that are based upon the cultural differences. Ask them to write out a description of what their marriage and family life will be like in ten years if they lived in his culture. If they lived in her culture.
In addition, the counselor should evaluate the couple’s Family History Analysis carefully for cultural differences, strained relationships, type of home, and so forth.
Interracial marriage can be a challenge, but the counselor can help an interracial couple work toward a fulfilling marriage just like any other couple. And as with any other couple, the depth of their relationship with Jesus Christ and a willingness to be led by God can assist them in making the necessary adjustments.
1. Wen-Shing Tseng, John F. McDermott, Jr., and Thomas W Maretzke, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage. (U. of Hawaii, 1977), p. 33.
2. Ibid., p. 22.
3. Dugan Romano, Intercultural Marriage (Yarmouth, Maine: Intercultural, 1988), pp. xii-xiii.
4. Ibid., pp. 3–14, adapted.
5. Wen-Shing Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–97.
6. Ibid., p. 97.
7. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 28–106, adapted.
8. Dwight H. Small. Design for Christian Marriage (Old Tappan, N.J.: Revell, 1959), p. 149.
9. Albert I. Gordon, Intermarriage (Boston: Beacon, 1964), p. 354.
10. Wen-Shing Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, p. 67.
11. Romano. Intercultural Marriage, pp. 64–87, adapted.
12. Fred and Anita Prinzing, Mixed Messages (Chicago: Moody, 1991), p. 112. Chapter 12, “Mixed Identity: What About the Children?” includes several suggestions to help intercultural parents develop a healthy identity in their children.
13. “Are Interracial Homes Bad for Children?” in Marriage Across the Color Line, Cloyte M. Larsson, ed. (Chicago: Johnson, 1965), p. 68; as quoted in Prinzing, Mixed Messages, p. 111.
14. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–102, adapted.
15. Tseng, Adjustment in Intercultural Marriage, pp. 96–101, adapted.
16. Romano, Intercultural Marriage, pp. 3–5, adapted.