Clinton Brunton-Fletcher is not dead. IT’S OFFICIAL. But he’s not living at Thundersley Road anymore either. Uma says he’s “gone away for a bit.” Uma didn’t say where but I reckon Portsmouth as that’s where the bloke he calls his dad lives. It said on the news tonight that there definitely was a gun fired outside Mayflower, but whoever fired it probably just fired one shot up into the air then drove off right away. The evening news said police are investigating claims that drugs are being sold around the school gates, which is “fueling gang tension.”
So I go to my appointment with Mr. Bamblebury on Monday, and sit on a hard chair that hurts my arse amongst his dying potted plants and he starts quizzing me about Clinton Brunton-Fletcher and saying like, was Clinton really drug dealing, ’cos he’d heard this from several parents who were all calling up giving him an earache.
So I said, “I don’t know NOTHING!” and I said it loud ’cos the honest to God truth is that I don’t know much and what I do know for sure is that I’m no bloody grass. I mean WHAT’S IT GOT TO DO WITH ME if a gang of rudes want to roll up the school acting like big men? What’s it got to do with me if Clinton wants to sell weed? For once in my life I was in the headmaster’s office for something that had NOTHING to do with me at all! I just wanna read King Lear.
Mr. Bamblebury said all this has got something to do with me, ’cos I can HELP. Mr. Bamblebury said that Mayflower Academy is on the brink of turning a corner and it’s important that we stay focused and on a positive track.
So I said, “WELL I’M STAYING POSITIVE, didn’t you see me on BBC news?! I was representing big time, mate!”
So Mr. Bamblebury said, “Yes, Shiraz, thank you, and your comments were very spirited… although there was no need to call Max Blackford an ignorant-ass knobhead, was there?”
“Yeah, sorry ’bout that, Mr. Bamblebury,” I said. “I got a bit worked up.”
Mr. Bamblebury said that the Mayflower Sixth Formers already hold a “considerably weighty influence” around the school and that we needed to “take prime advantage” of this and “set a good example.” So I said, “What does that mean in normal English?” and that’s when Ms. Bracket stepped in and said that maybe the Sixth Formers could think about starting a little “Increase the Peace” campaign? Maybe I could plan a little assembly telling the Year Sevens to Elevens about the dangers of becoming involved with gangs and weapons and persuading them to go to Sixth Form instead and “be just like me.”
BE JUST LIKE ME!?
I stared at them both like they were a pair of mentals for a bit. Then I said, “Eh? Why me? Why do I have to do it?” and Mr. Bamblebury said that the great thing about me was that I could really speak to the kids “at their level” and get through to them. Mr. Bamblebury said most of the time he can’t understand what any of the kids are even saying, like earlier that day he’d heard some Year Seven boy shouting, “Dat Bracket woman is nang, bruv” and he didn’t know whether to tell him off as he didn’t know what “nangbruv” was.
So I told Mr. Bamblebury that “nang” was good ’cos it means Ms. Bracket is good, she’s like, cool. Mr. Bamblebury looked proper pleased then. Then he said that he’d also heard that the Year Tens had all started calling him “Mr. Bumbleclot” instead of Mr. Bamblebury and he didn’t know whether that was a good or bad thing either? And at that point I decided to do the “Increase the Peace” campaign for Mr. Bamblebury ’cos to be honest I felt a bit sorry for him.