If you were to say, “Shiz, have you missed Wesley Barrington Bains II during your week-long break?” Well I’d be proper confused as to how to answer.
’Cos on one hand I ain’t missed having Wesley turning up distracting me and trying to get me to go to his house for some “private time” when his mum’s out. Or not understanding when I talk about school. But at the same time, I’ve missed him a lot too. I know Wesley inside out and he knows me too. It’s like one of the family has gone missing when he don’t come round. That’s why we’ve been texting a bit. Just silly jokes and stuff.
I got home from school tonight and my mother looked proper happy and paused Emmerdale and she said, “There’s someone waiting for you upstairs!!!!” So I said, “Is it Wesley Barrington Bains II?”
And Mum went, “Go and have a look.” So I went up to my room and I COULDN’T believe my eyes.
On the bed in my tiny bedroom was an absolutely ginormous teddy bear. Massive. EXTRA EXTRA HUGE!! The sort of bear so big they have to put a sign beside it in Clinton’s Card Shop in Romford telling folks to stop their kiddies climbing on it.
It’s brown and fluffy with a red T-shirt on that says I LOVE YOU BABY in big white letters. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I tried moving it on the floor but it was too heavy and there was no bloody space to anyway.
So I call up Wesley and I go, “Wesley, are you some sort of mental or something?”
And he laughs and says, “Well, yeah, maybe I am, you drive me proper mental.”
And I go, “What have you put this bear in my room for?”
And he says, “’Cos I want us to stop having the hump with each other, eh? I love you, Shiraz Bailey Wood.” My lip wobbled a bit when he said that.
“I love you too,” I said.
So we decided to stop having the hump. And we decided that maybe one of our problems is that Wesley feels a bit left out now that I’m doing Mayflower Sixth Form and have got all new friends.
“Maybe if you let me join in more, things would be better,” Wesley said.
“Maybe,” I said.
I invited Wesley to come along to this quiz we’re having at school on Friday night to raise cash for the “Increase the Peace” campaign. We’re trying to raise cash to buy the school music room a sampler and mini-mixing desk.
Joshua Fallow reckons that’ll give the rudes something to distract them from jacking each other’s phones and trainers for a bit. It’s a good idea we all think.
I mean worst-case scenario: even if Meatman does get round to stabbing someone, at least now he can record a proper slamming track about it afterward.