Ooh, it’s starting to feel proper Christmassy already! Carrie and Barney Draper have been getting the legendary Draperville Christmas lights display ready. This time it’s gonna be BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER! They’re doing the Santa’s sleigh and Rudolph running up the front of the house and decorating the tree with a zillion flashing lights as usual and they’re also doing a weird eight-foot-tall snowman with the mechanical moving arms and a flashing carrot nose… BUT THERE’S MORE! This year the Drapers have hired a life-sized nativity scene! With a baby Jesus in a manger being beheld by three wise men from afar and shepherds and everything!!!
It’s not like Barney Draper is proper religious or anything. To be honest I reckon he’s only doing the nativity ’cos the Ilford Bugle kept saying Essex council were going to ban the word “Christmas” ’cos of the word “Christ” being offensive. So now Barney’s making a big point of celebrating Christ ’cos he says he’s got a perfect right to and besides, “It’s not like I started whining last Eid when Amjad at Number 39 and his lot were giving it the big one about Allah!”
I just nodded when Barney said that, then helped him hammer up some plywood to make a shelter for the baby Jesus and his whole team of plastic supporters, which included a sad praying woman, a bloke with a beard who looked like the magician David Blaine, a sheep, an ox, and some other weird biblical animals made from flame-retardant materials.
I asked Barney if there was any room in his biblical scene for a proper massive teddy bear so huge kiddies could clamber on it. Barney said, “Yeah, of course.” He’s picking up the bear tomorrow. THANK YOU GOD.