I did my Critical Thinking paper today. It wasn’t too bad. I was half expecting to turn it over and for it simply to say “PEDOS ARE OK?: DISCUSS” but it didn’t. Instead there were tons of multiple choice questions about whether cigarette advertising was responsible for lung cancer, or whether folks who treat their dogs the same as humans could be called “crazy.”
I tried to answer them my very best but to be honest my head was hurting and I was feeling proper tired and confused. I finished the exam and went over to see Carrie at Draperville and now I’m more confused than ever.
Carrie had called me after the exam in a right weird mood saying she had finally worked out Stage One of the Carrie Draper “Whole New Me” plan and she needed to tell me STRAIGHT AWAY, like NOW. So I went over not expecting too much ’cos ever since Carrie was turfed out of Mayflower Sixth Form her daily routine seems to have consisted of (a) watching Lifetime TV, (b) dehairing various parts of her legs, arms, top lip etc. and (c) lying about in a robe waiting for various nail polishes to dry.
So I get to Draperville and Carrie’s in the pool cabana and the first thing she says to me is, “What are you doing with your life, Shiraz Bailey Wood?” And I sigh and say, “Looking at someone with bleach cream on their top lip?” And Carrie goes, “No, not now face-ache, for the rest of your life? Forever?”
So I go, “Oh? That? Oh, I don’t bloody know. Stay on at school for another year I suppose? If I can. Dunno. Maybe go to uni… something like that.”
So Carrie goes, “Yeah, you sound proper THRILLED about that.” And I say, “Hmm, you know I’m not thrilled. I’m bored sick of being locked in that room studying. And I ain’t got no choice really but to carry on ’cos if I don’t I’m going to end up living behind an Indian food factory with Wesley Barrington Bains II.” So Carrie goes, “Hang on? So are you officially back together with Wesley then?” And I go, “Hmm, sort of. Wesley just acts like we never even split up. He won’t talk about Joshua. He just calls it “those months when Shiraz had the hump.”
There was a long silence while we both sat for a bit watching Alexis the dog rolling about on the lawn.
“He loves me, y’know?” I said to Carrie after a while, knowing how crap that made me sound.
“Oh, Shiraz,” said Carrie. Then she got a glossy magazine out of her bag. It had a picture of Tabitha Tennant on the front dressed in a white coat. The title of the brochure was:
BUTTERZ BEAUTY ACADEMY COVENT GARDEN LONDON WC1 OFFICIAL PROSPECTUS
“That’s Tabitha Tennant’s beauty school, isn’t it?” I said.
“Yeah!” smiled Carrie, almost fizzing with happiness.
“Eh? Have you applied to go?” I said.
“I applied three weeks ago. When I moved from your house back to here,” Carrie said. “I talked my dad into lending me the money for my course fees!”
“Oh my God!” I said.
“And I didn’t want to say anything,” said Carrie. “’Cos if it all went wrong I’d look even more stupid… But I had my final interview yesterday. And I got in, Shiraz! I bloody got in! I’m moving to London! I’m going to be a trainee at Tabitha Tennant’s Butterz Beauty Academy! I’m so excited! I can’t believe it!”
I just stared at her with my gob open.
I felt well happy for her but also a bit shocked and a little tiny bit sad too.
“You’re moving to London!?” I said.
“Yeah! In a few weeks’ time!” she said.
“But… but…!” I started to stutter, but my head was proper racing. I was starting to feel a bit jealous now too. Imagine actually moving to London? Imagine having your own place and being right in the middle of everything? You could stand on Waterloo Bridge every day if you liked! And if you wanted to paddle in the Trafalgar Square fountains and go to the club every night, you could! Imagine that though? Imagine that?????
I’ve been imagining that for months and months.
“Come with me, Shiraz,” she said.
“What?” I said. “How? I can’t!”
“What do you mean, you can’t?” she said.
“I can’t just leave Goodmayes! I can’t,” I said.
“Yes you can!” said Carrie, “Come with me and we’ll get a little apartment and you can get a job and I’ll go to Butterz Beauty Academy and we can have a walloping big adventure!”
“But—” I said.
“Oh come on, Shizza, there’s nothing round here for us! Nothing. I’m sick of going to the same places all the time. I’m sick of seeing Saf all the time too. That’s all getting way too bloody serious. I want to have some fun!”
“But I can’t just leave,” I said. “I can’t do something like that.”
Because I can’t do that. Can I?
Can I???