“Are you having an aneurysm?” Eve leaned forward, waving her hand in front of my face.
“No, no, sorry, that was a massive shock,” I said, reaching for my glass of water.
“I don’t understand?” Adele piped up.
“You remember Leo? He was at our dinner party,” I explained.
“You mean the one who racially slurred you and acted like he’d never seen a lesbian before? Yeah”—she practically threw the last gulp of wine down her gullet—“let’s say I remember him.”
I winced at the memory.
“His now-ex, Suzie? That’s Eve’s new housemate.”
“What is London, man?” Adele groaned. “Everyone knows everyone.” It was true. Nine million people in this city, but I was forever discovering random overlaps between friendship groups and colleagues. It made me anxious: there were no first impressions with anyone.
I turned to Eve.
“Wha—why—how could thi—” I composed myself. “I mean, how is Suze doing?”
“This is mental,” Eve said, setting her glass down. “It’s been rough. I don’t know her that well, but she doesn’t seem to be in a good place.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“Jade, didn’t you say that Kit went away with Leo last weekend?” Adele asked.
“Yeah, all this time, he’s been sprouting all this wounded-puppy nonsense, about how she broke his heart and blindsided him with the breakup.”
The Ned was swinging with jazz music, glasses clattering. The three of us were speechless. I wanted to rush home and tell Kit as soon as possible.
I rode the line from Bank to Clapham Common, resting my head against the Tube door, my body weary. I started typing a message to Suzie. I’m so sorry. I’m here if you need anything or want someone to speak to. And then I paused. Was it intrusive to send a message like that? Would she be suspicious of my proximity to Leo? I wondered how I would feel if I received a message like that. Anxious. Questioning how they found out about what happened to me, who knew, how it got out, how it affected their view of me. I deleted the message and instead asked Eve to, at a suitable moment, pass on my love and support. I wanted Suzie to know I was there for her, that I was her ally, without foisting my presence on her.
“I missed you today,” Kit said as I lay along the sofa next to him.
“I missed you too.” I sat up, taking a swig of his beer. “Did you get up to anything fun tonight?”
“Nah, watched Netflix and ordered some dinner in, I’m shattered. I was staying up to see my girl.”
I stared intently at a crumpled piece of tape that was stuck to the floor.
“Are you okay?” Kit asked.
“Well, no, I heard the weirdest rumor today. Actually, it’s not a rumor.”
“What is it?”
“I caught up with Eve this evening—”
“How is she?”
“Yeah yeah, good, well, she’s just moved in with Suzie.”
“Really?” He tensed. “Small world.”
“Kit.” I held his hand in mine to show my support. “I don’t think Leo has been completely honest with you. Or any of us.”
“What do you mean?”
“This whole time he’s been doing this elaborate victim act, saying that she pulled the rug out from under him, but she had very legitimate reasons for breaking up with him.”
Kit shifted on the sofa. “I’m sure there are two sides to every story.”
“Kit,” I started gently, “I don’t think Leo has told you guys the truth.”
“Mmm?”
“I don’t really know how to say this.” My voice was flimsy and limp. “Suzie broke up with Leo for being violent toward her. She then found out that he sexually assaulted another woman.”
Kit breathed heavily and stared straight ahead.
He turned to look at me.
“I know.”
Time stopped still.
There must be some misunderstanding. Surely, we’re talking about two different things.
“You know?” The words dribbled from my mouth as if I didn’t have control over my tongue. He nodded. “About everything? About what he did to the woman in Infernos?”
“What he allegedly did, yes. I know.”
“You know that he put his hands on Suzie?”
“Allegedly. Yes.”
“Why do you keep saying ‘allegedly’?”
“It’s true. It’s nothing more than an allegation at this point.”
I was in shock. I knew there was an entire spectrum of uncontrolled emotion waiting for me, but right now, it didn’t make sense. Kit and I sometimes didn’t get each other, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was a good person! I wouldn’t love him if he wasn’t! He condemned assault. For God’s sake, of course he did!
“Why didn’t you tell me? After all your lectures about how I shouldn’t keep things from you?”
“Jade, you were going through so much, I didn’t want to upset you.” He spoke emphatically, like he wanted to convince me that he’d made the right call. “We’ve been doing so much better recently, and I didn’t want anything to go off between us again.”
I pulled my hand out of Kit’s and held my fingers to my temples.
“I can’t believe it.”
“Listen, I know Leo took it too far, but come on, why is this random woman getting involved anyway? Who’s to say she’s even telling the truth!”
“So you don’t believe women now, Kit? Or only when the perpetrator is one of your boys? What about all that feminism you peddle? What about me?”
“You’re a lawyer, Jade.” Kit shrugged. “You tell me, should we be blinkered and believe people without any evidence?”
“YES!” I screamed. “I cannot believe you’re saying this. Who even are you?”
The more worked up I got, the calmer he was. He was perfectly molded into the sofa, the cushions encasing him in his comfort.
“So you’re telling me that unless a woman has hard evidence, you don’t believe them?” I pushed.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that we should remain neutral until there is proof either way. If either this woman or Suzie made a formal report and let qualified forces investigate Leo, I would one hundred percent support that. But he shouldn’t be condemned by his oldest friends off the back of some airy details.”
“Are you joking right now!”
“It’s innocent until proven guilty,” he said patronizingly.
“Oh my fucki—”
“We spoke about it at length in Dorset.” His voice sounded confident, as if he knew everything would be resolved with a simple explanation. This was all a big misunderstanding. “We’ve gone over what the best thing to do was. I agonized about the right course of action, J.” Kit’s eyes were round like a kid doing show-and-tell.
I thought of all the times Kit was sure that he knew better than me. How he just told me I’d get through it and left it at that. My anger simmered and overflowed at the idea of those three guys discussing how best to shield Leo.
“Are you patting yourself on the back for discussing with the perpetrator himself what to do? And you seriously concluded that the best thing to do was nothing?” I shrieked. “Are you actually shitting me right now?”
“Look, Jade. I appreciate you bringing this to me, I really do, but, like I said, it’s not our place to get involved and meddle.”
“You’re already involved! You just said what you guys did! You’re balls-deep involved!”
“I’ve known the guy since I was seven years old, Jade!” Kit finally sat up. “What do you want me to do? Never speak to him again?”
“Yes! Yes, I want you to for once actually speak with actions, not words.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Stop talking about how much you care about feminism and blah blah fucking blah. Actually do something! When push comes to shove, you’re as bad as the bloody rest.”
“I didn’t realize you thought so little of me. That you thought I was so insubstantial.”
I panted. All the hairline fractures from the past seven years were combining. The relationship was cracking before our eyes.
“Baby—”
“Don’t call me baby.”
“Okay.” He raised his eyebrow. “Leo and Suzie are handling it. Besides, he was drunk and it was a packed night out.”
“You were there?”
“No.”
“So how do you know?”
“Well—”
“And you’re saying being drunk is an excuse?”
“I’m not going to be cross-examined. You know what I mean.” Kit uncrossed his arms and leaned toward me. “Don’t get me wrong, he shouldn’t be doing that when he has Suzie. So call him a cheat for all I care. But he shouldn’t have to be branded as some sort of sex pest or wife beater.”
“Why not?”
“For God’s sake, Jade! So he got a bit grabby on a night out. I agree it was wrong. But do I think he deserves to be ostracized by his lifelong friends for it? No, I don’t. It’s just not that big of a deal.”
“IT IS TO ME!” I screamed.
I felt the energy drain from me. He didn’t understand. He never would.
“Do you have any idea how violating that is? Have you ever felt in genuine fear for your safety?” Kit opened his mouth to speak, but I carried on. “The psychological effect on Suzie and the woman he assaulted—they’ll have to live with the damage he’s caused.”
“Jesus Jade, who made you a therapist suddenly?”
Something—something uncontrolled and compressed—spurred toward a crescendo, jettisoning all resolve.
“Because I know how they feel!” I yelled. “That night, when Josh did what he did to me…” I clasped my hands together and focused on calming my ragged breathing. “He climbed on top of me and penetrated me while I was too drunk to tell you my name. So I know how it feels to have someone force themselves on you and take something from you. And I can’t believe—I don’t know how—just how could you condone that!”
“Please don’t get upset,” Kit pleaded.
“What do you see when you wake me up every night thrashing and screaming, dripping in sweat? Not once, not fucking once, did you ask me what I was reliving at night. I can’t take taxis. I shower incessantly. It happened in my own flat where I deserved to feel safe. You see me check the locks fifteen times every night and you’ve never once asked me why. The day you found out, you banged on about how hurt you were, how much I let you down. The time I had a flashback on Christmas Eve, you made me feel bad about it! Like it was my fault!”
My face was wet with tears as the dam burst.
“How could you watch this tear me apart and eat me up?” I was gasping for air amid my monologue.
“I didn’t think it was helpful to keep bringing it up,” Kit offered as his feeble excuse.
“Again. You deciding what’s best. You haven’t even tried to be there for me.”
“Believe me,” Kit retorted, “I have tried my bloody best. Sitting through your crazy outbursts. When you yell at me over nothing. When you decide to ruin an evening and lock yourself in the bathroom. Again over nothing.” Nothing. Nothing. Over nothing. “I have been here throughout, haven’t I?”
“Crazy?! You think I’m crazy now?”
He ignored me. “I understand you’re going through it. But I’m going through something too. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my girlfriend. Where did the fun-loving, relaxed girl I fell in love with go? You’ve changed, Jade! And that’s something I’ve had to process and deal with, and I’m trying!”
I refused to let him turn this on me. “How could you bring Leo into our home? After what he’s done? Make me cook for him, console him? How could you protect him? How could you betray me like that?”
I stared at him. The only man I have ever had sex with. Does that matter? Of course not.
It mattered that he was the only man I have ever voluntarily had sex with.
“Jade,” he said, “this is exactly why I didn’t tell you about Leo and Suze. I was trying to protect you from getting so upset.”
“I can’t stay here.” I got up and began walking toward the bedroom.
“For God’s sake, why are you being so intense!” I said nothing. He carried on. “You’re not even really friends with Suzie. If anything, your loyalty should lie with Leo, you’ve known him for longer!”
I shoveled my laptop, my passport, wallet, makeup bag, phone, and a handful of underwear into a backpack.
“I’m going home for a few days,” I announced.
Kit rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “Jade, you are home. You’ve made your point now and I’m sorry that you feel it was the wrong call. Why does Suzie and Leo’s breakup have anything to do with us?”
I stopped walking toward the door and turned around.
“You need to have a long, hard think about the choices you make, Kit. I know people like you and Leo think the rules don’t apply to you, but you’re not above a moral compass.”
“People like me and Leo?” He sneered as he stood up. “You know what Jade, you think you’re so different from us. That we’re some sort of evil breed that you’re exempt from. But look around you!” He waved his arms around the flat. “You’re living here for free. In the flat that my dad gifted me! Gentrification? Jade Kaya has contributed!”
“That’s different!” I began.
“Is it? Is it really, Jade? Because from where I’m standing, you love being all sanctimonious, judging us for what we have, but you have had no problem at all benefiting from what I have when it suits you. You’re so hung up on what I’ve had and what you didn’t have. But you don’t see me getting upset when you go and hang out with your loving family. I didn’t have that. What about that privilege, huh? The privilege of having an intact family? Do I make you feel bad for that?”
“Should I feel bad for that?” I yelled back.
“No! You shouldn’t! That’s my entire bloody point. Stop making me feel bad for who I am, Jade! For being friends with the people I am friends with, or having opportunities you don’t have! It’s not my fault.”
“I’m not angry with what you have!” I exclaimed, although it wasn’t strictly true. “I hate the choices you make.”
“Oh, choice!” Kit laughed mockingly. “Like how you chose to throw shit at me? One-second delay and I might have had a broken nose. Definitely a black eye. We should condemn people for violence, right? That’s what you just said, Jade.” Kit squared up. No. I wanted to muffle my ears. I can’t listen to this. “So maybe I go tell everyone what you did, let them shun you too?”
I matched his stance. In his eyes, I swear I saw enjoyment.
“But I wouldn’t do that,” he said, shoulders slouching in a show of benevolence, “because that wouldn’t be fair to you, under the circumstances.” He paused to give full weight to his mercy. “So maybe we all shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”
I tensed my face, gave him nothing. He wanted me to agree with him. Tacitly accept that I’m the same as Leo. I refused to engage, so Kit continued.
“You act like I’m immoral, but at least I’m trying to make a change for the better in the world. Who are the clients you defend, Jade? Same shit, different scale. The sooner you realize you’re just the same as the rest of us, the better our future will be.”
I wanted to argue with him. Defend myself and say that he was the one who pushed me to move in here. That the milk incident was a moment of blind rage, that it wouldn’t happen again. That I needed this career, that nothing else would provide me with the same chance in life. That there was no safety net that allowed me to pursue a more earnest profession based on my values. But then Suzie’s face and her funny Hollywood curls popped into my head.
“To be absolutely clear,” I said quietly, so he had no choice but to listen intently to me, “we can argue back and forth all night. But it’s between Leo or me.”
I turned around and closed the door behind me.