The walk to Dr. Tate's office is much easier with Allie by my side. It's not far just on the other side of the lobby, but it's enough that this is still only the second time I've been here.
The last time I made this walk, all I thought about was Paisley. It was the only way I got through it. Today with Allie, I focus on her, and she makes it easy.
I sit down, and Dr. Tate smiles. I feel like I just ran a mile for PT. My heart is racing, and there’s sweat on my hairline. As Dr. Tate gets settled, I focus on catching my breath.
"This must be Allie."
"Yes," I tell him, as I pat my leg, and Allie climbs into my lap.
"You already seem much more relaxed than last time. I think she’ll be good for you. How are things, since the last time we talked?"
He always starts the session off with the same question.
"A little better, but still not good." I give him my standard answer.
Each day is a step forward, and each time I see Paisley I feel better. Every time I feel like I can push a little bit more, and then that becomes my new normal. Then, the next time I push more until it becomes my new normal.
"Paisley makes things easy. Walking to the lobby, and now I can walk here. That's thanks to Paisley. I still wouldn't do it just for fun, but I think it's a step. The nightmares have all but stopped and been replaced by dreams of her. She gives me something to look forward to," I say.
"So, is this much more than a friendship?"
"No, we’re friends and nothing more. Would I like it to be? Definitely, but I'm not there yet. I doubt she’ll want someone as broken as me. Plus, she's a catch, and I doubt she’s even available."
"It's good you recognize that you aren't there yet, but you aren't broken. I don't want you to see yourself as broken. You were in a traumatic situation, and you needed to find a way to deal with it. It's very normal. As for as her being available, you won't know, until you ask."
If I'm honest, I'm scared to ask her, if she's seeing someone. I like to think she's available, and if she isn't, I don't know how it will change how I feel around her. The anxiety I feel that she might be seeing someone is almost too much, and I need to change the subject.
"Her dad came to see me," I admit.
"How did that go?"
"I guess Paisley talked to him about me, and he wanted to visit because he knows I don't have family left. We talked a lot like old times. He filled me in on people I knew, and then told me if I needed anything to call him and gave me his number. Then, he asked to visit again."
"What did you say?"
"I told him he could. It was good talking to him. I felt like my old self just like I do, when Paisley is around."
He nods, and then there’s a small silence, and I know what’s coming next. It's the question he always asks, when there’s a lull in the conversation.
"Are you ready to talk about your time as a prisoner of war?"
"I don't know what you want to talk about. I was a POW locked in a dark room and tortured for a year. Now, I can't stand people touching me or sneaking up on me. When I step outside my room, it feels like the walls are closing in on me."
Dr. Tate takes notes and motions for me to continue talking and says, “That's more than you have been willing to tell me before.”
I know what he isn't saying. I'm making progress no matter how small.
"It's going to take time," I say.
"And the right push, for the right reason," he says.
Paisley pops into my head. She’s my reason for pushing. My reason for wanting to be better.
"Maybe, I've found my reason," I say.
"I think you have."
I wrap up my appointment with Dr. Tate, and Allie and I start heading back to my room, but we get stopped by Lexi in the lobby.
"Hey, Easton. How is Allie doing?" She smiles down at the chocolate lab, who is winning everyone's hearts.
"Good.”
"Listen, I just put in the fruit and vegetable gardens outside. It's slow going, and if you ever feel like getting outside, we could use your help. The garden is enclosed with stone walls, and we can even close the gate. It's really relaxing with a waterfall and fountains. It makes a great picnic spot." She winks at me.
I nod and head back to my room. I'd love nothing more than to take Paisley out for a picnic in the garden, but it's going to be a while still. But it's definitely something to work up, too.