“If you are willing to be disappointed in your search for the right answer to a problem, for the right thing to do, the right person for the job, just about every situation is a place where an insight might be found.”
Dear Yogini,
There is something underneath your relationship to yoga that is the actual engine behind your moving forward on your path. It is your commitment, your dedication, the inner resolve you bring to doing the work of yoga that invites you to cultivate a harmonious relationship with yourself. Your yoga practice can be like heading to the safe, empty, and peaceful space of your attic with its old stained-glass window and soft diffuse light. It’s your happy place away from the hubbub of the household, away from the fray of life. You’ve come up to dust the cobwebs, you tell yourself, but really, you love the clarity you feel when you’re there.
Then there’s that unforeseen moment when your yoga brings you up against the rock and the hard place within yourself, the conflicts and denials entrenched deep in your too-human psyche that have been dismissed and packaged away. It’s the cellar space, dark and dank, with its stacks of boxes shoved up against the moist walls. In these boxes are fragments of realities too uncomfortable or disquieting to your younger self to be entirely forgettable, and so they take up residence in the body, memories frozen in time and space in the subconscious mind. It turns out, the brain doesn’t select which files to save and which to delete, so it feels a little unsettling to be on your own in this dark place of uncertainty, on this archeological dig into your past.
As you unpack your boxes in the cellar, the dilemma you have will dredge up your preoccupations and your fears and all the dramas of your own making—we all have them. Your yoga practice then is to bear witness to the conditioned patterns of reactivity that show up in the fleeting empty space between stimulus and response. Little by little, your practice—reflected in your body, your emotions, your thoughts and inner dialogue—will reveal to you the ways in which your well-trained amygdala screams at you, Resist! Run! Hide! And in the space of noticing this tightening or closing down to your experience, you might breathe instead and choose then to be with your tendencies without indulging them.
You access the attic with ease because it offers you a pleasurable experience. The door to the cellar on the other hand is old, heavy, and slightly rotted in places. It’s a bugger to move. Opening this door is the commitment you are willing to make to do the work of clearing out the boxes and cleaning up the cellar. It’s the inner resolve you bring to being with yourself, especially when it feels difficult, like when you feel isolated and alone, sad or angry, afraid or just not brave. You will sit with all the boxes around you, and one by one, breath by breath, practice by practice, you will begin the arduous task of unpacking them.
Yoga, in the practice of asana, has nothing to do with what you can or cannot do physically. Being truly strong and resilient has much more to do with how willing you are to look at yourself, the resolve you bring to being with what shows up in your practice, and how well you learn to open your heart, how well you learn to let go and let be. It is conceivable that avidya, ignorance, is bliss, but the ego will always be self-limiting by virtue of its manipulations to enhance its sense of ‘I-am-ness’ (asmita), its tendencies towards pleasure-seeking (raga) and its opposite, pain-avoidance (dvesha), and ultimately the fear of death (abhinivesha).
These five afflictions, or kleshas in the Yogic Wisdom (sutra II.3) describe what it means to be human and subject to the human condition. As the ego continues to indulge ignorance (avidya), you cannot help but then be limited in your experiences of the world. Too much pride in your accomplishments, say your achievement of a particular asana, will diminish your experience of joy in the pose. It’ll cause you to envy another’s perceived successes in yoga, to focus all your energy and attention to what you think and believe you lack, and to look upon another yogin with negative regard. To view your own endeavors as negative will categorically suck you dry.
The alchemical process of yoga requires of you a willingness to step into the ‘cellar’ of your practice and into the shadows of your ego-self and, from this place of disquiet or discontent, dedicate yourself to the practice of all yogic principles, from yama to dhyana. You then develop the tenacity to be present with the enemies of the heart (your envy, anger, pride, greed, attachments and lust) and with the many impediments to practice. Your practice acts upon imperfection and resistance to show you your singular humanity. Your commitment to step into your shadow aspects and experience your humanness requires a degree of vulnerability, a readiness to be with the emotional sensitivities of the heart. To be present with every fiber of your being is the catalyst to trusting yourself and thus holding safe space for the whole of your being.
Be truthful in the ways you show up for yourself on your mat and on your cushion. And be patient on this path of discovery and growth. Over time and with practice, you learn to trust the process of yoga and come to understand that nothing—not your fears, not your anger, not your past hurts, not your secret desires—can take away your sincerity of heart. This dedication to showing up regardless and to believing without any tendril of doubt in the fundamental truth of your self-worth and basic goodness is what Patañjali calls mahavrtam, or ‘heart vow’.
Mahavrtam will support the task at hand as you work with your yoga to navigate the impediments which obstruct your progress and distract your mind. There are three kinds of città, or mindsets, according to Patañjali: those that are self-inflicted (through false thinking or ‘wrong cognition’); those caused by imbalances in the body; and problems brought about by the circumstances of life. While many twists of fate in life can feel out of your control, you do have control over the content and quality of your thoughts.
Billions of thoughts arise insistent and unbidden all day long (and sometimes all night too). They float in the air like particles of dust, invisible until they land on something solid. Under the right circumstances—when you are paying attention to the games your mind plays—your thoughts too can land in the sphere of your consciousness and become something tangible that you can perceive with your senses. You will find yourself with a limitless supply of thoughts to choose from by constant, virtual connection to this thinking realm!
The key here is that, in practice, your consciousness gets to sift through your thoughts and choose the right thoughts for you; dust off the ones that do not want to deal with right now. Problems show up when the stickier thoughts (conditioned or habitual), the ones that aren’t filtered out, keep circulating in your mind over and over again, then nag and shift your physical and energetic-emotional dynamic in negative ways. These stickier thoughts become thought forms and manifest in the physiology as physical and mental imbalances in the form of dis-ease and symptomatology.
Thought forms can feel impossible to challenge. The more you fight them, the more you think about it, and the more resistance seems to build. What you’re saying to yourself is, “I am going to fix this” or “I am not going to think about this” or “this needs to be something other than it is;” The only thing these thought forms do is create more of ‘this’ in your body; so instead of getting rid of these thoughts, you will find that you are energizing them even more. So consciously release these thought forms from your consciousness each time they show; allow them to “dissolve” rather than take up residence in the hallways of your mind.
We do not always have control over the nature of our thoughts, but once we are aware of them, we can consciously shift their dynamic to serve in our favor. What I have discovered for myself is that the thoughts that overwhelm me the most are more often than not related to narratives that belong to some familial, cultural, or societal paradigm that neither belongs to me nor works for me. Somewhere along my merry way, I appropriated entire storylines that dictated my thoughts, then my feelings, and then the way I was in the world and how I manifested that in my life.
We are trained so well in our culture to fix something perceived as broken (or not perfect enough), to manage the unmanageable, and control outcome according to a certain idea or plan of what that looks like. The problem is most of the time this modus operandi engenders something akin to resistance. I’m sure you have had the experience of trying to access a posture in yoga practice that feels out of reach. Perhaps you have a determination that surmounts all odds (which hopefully does not leave you with a pulled muscle or tendon); mostly, the harder you try to get into the pose, the more Sisyphean it feels, witnessing over and over your futile attempts.
The key here is not to fight your resistance to what is and not to try to solve the problem with your thinking. Instead, the yoga asks you to perceive the resistance, to bring consciousness to its presentation in your body, in your mind, in your soul, and then to switch your focus towards tacit acknowledgement with clear boundaries for yourself as to what is acceptable to you and what is not.
Now, shift the paradigms dictated by your thoughts. New ways of thinking emerge that enable you to engage in actions that work in your service. Thereby you invite a different outcome from the one you originally forecast or imagined on the basis of false premises, assumptions, and expectations. Once you realize that you have control over the content of your thoughts, it is inevitable that your life will reflect this back to you from the outside; essentially your power goes where you mind goes. Conversely, when resistance arises—and it will—take note, and come back to your practice of choosing the focus of your thinking and the nature of your intention and then send them in the direction you wish them to go.
The Yogic Wisdom offers you a way to navigate the impediments and the conflicts that arise as a condition of life and living. Befriend each and every obstacle you encounter in practice and in life, if only for the purpose of meeting yourself at the heart of your dilemma so you might then live into your own unique answer. To be or not to be a yoga teacher?
The inevitable shift of awareness and consciousness that comes up as a side-effect of your practice, intentionally and unintentionally, will be met with sometimes impossible circumstances, unimaginable obstacles, and always the unpredictability and inevitability of life and of being human. Use the teachings of yoga as the substrate of your own practice to determine your path. And assume responsibility for walking this path in your truth. Just as the natural largesse of life is filled with pettiness and prejudices and violence and greed—all expressions of the ignorance that lies beneath—so too is the yoga industry replete with its own contradictions and capitalistic tendencies, plagued by the ubiquitous sense of “me, myself, and I” that drives success-oriented and power-driven sensitivities.
The yoga profession, while loosely moderated by the general certifying body known as the Yoga Alliance (26), is not subject to external oversight, which means that schools of yoga and yoga teachers alike set their own standards of excellence. You will need to practice all the yogic principles (yama, niyama, asana, pranayama, pratyahara, dharana and dhyana), embrace the moral, ethical, physical, mental, intellectual, and spiritual disciplines of yoga, and above all, listen in upon your heart or soul’s calling. How can your yoga best serve you and in what capacity?
What shows up on your yoga mat is reflective of how you live your life and perhaps too what needs to shift. Maybe your yoga has changed your perspective on things. Maybe you are feeling the positive effects of your practice in the sphere of your life too. Maybe you think you want to become a yoga teacher. But what if becoming a yoga teacher is not the point but rather the potential side-effect of your journey? Why shortchange yourself on any experience, positive or negative, by deciding ahead of time what the outcome is going to be?
This is the point that the very teachings of the Bhagavad Gita make. This ‘Song of the Spirit’ stands on its own merit as an epic poem in the large body of ancient Indian texts, and tells us to act from a place of selfless service and to not get attached to the fruits of our labors. Whether you decide to become a yoga teacher or not, be a yoga practitioner for the sake of being a yoga practitioner. If you apply yourself wholeheartedly to your craft, then the path will unfold before you from a place of trust and sincerity within yourself.
And you should ask nothing less of any teacher in whom you choose to place your trust. They must understand their own shortcomings and embody the qualities you wish to cultivate for yourself on and off the mat. Use your yoga and touch in upon your heart to discern which teacher or teachers of yoga most honestly serve your intentions and best interests. There are those who will wittingly and unwittingly present themselves as enlightened gurus, or healers, or who will sell you something you don’t really want—any profession is prey to such quackery. On the flipside of the coin, there are students who will buy into whatever is being sold without a full understanding of what it is exactly they have subscribed to. (27)
So practice discernment. No one is going to hand you enlightenment on a silver platter, although they may well try. Figure out what you want. Know what you need. Decide how far you are willing to go and how much you are willing to commit in time and dollars and energy to get it. And finally, who do you trust and are they aligned with you?
Deep within each of us is a seat of sacredness that cannot be defiled by any action because we are grace and we are beauty and we are brilliance and we are love. But I know too from personal experience how susceptible we are to believing the narratives that our doubt or our insecurities or our immutable principles and paradigms tell us. It is second nature to become attached in some way to some principled idea or emotion or place or person, and then that has the potential to become the focal point for our energies.
You will come to understand if you have not yet, that resolution of your inner conflict can only come by acknowledging that conflicting truths can and do exist: That you can want to be a yoga teacher in one respect and not want to be a yoga teacher in another; that your yoga practice doesn’t just happen on the mat or in a studio. You can take this practice of curiosity and non-judgment and a heightened quality of consciousness into your life and the way you want to be in the world in accordance with your own truth. And you don’t have to try to change who you are—that’s just adding resistance—but become more of who you already are, and let yourself soar. Keep showing up for your yoga with the integrity and the grit and all the perfect imperfections that make you You.
Maybe it is that you stand at a crossing of the ages, dear yogini, where you cannot remain standing in these divisions-in-motion. Step onto your path, away from any sense of disconnect from yourself or the dejection that undermines your best efforts. Beware of those who distort the yogic wisdom to meet perceived needs or outer goals, or your own inclinations to reconcile yourself with the ignorance of the world. Absorb your own destiny and transform it within yourself by living it forward through your practice of yoga.
As you persist along this path of yoga, make three resolutions to reduce the all-pervasive abhinivesha, fear of death, also the fear of living life to its fullest: First, get to know yourself through yoga and meditation, and live your vision of an honest and selfless life. Second, open your heart to sincere and unconditional love, of yourself and others. Third, live your “one wild and precious life” (28) in the image of your truth so you have no regrets.
May your beautiful path unfold before you.
I am a reflection of you, and you of me, in our common humanity.
Namastē,
Nicole