Arians are independent and hold most people in contempt. They have a quick fiery temper and are impatient and scornful of advice. They can be exceedingly abrupt and blunt. Their arrogance knows no bounds. They think there are only two ways to do anything – their way and the wrong way. They may be right, but they lack diplomatic skills and will win no friends. When it comes to relationships and commitment they are still looking for the meaningful one-night-stand. And they’re not as tall as they say they are.
They like to think they are brave, that they are great leaders. If they would hold up for long enough to look behind them they would see no one is following. If you catch them unawares in the bathroom they’ll be acting out speeches or practising being interviewed on chat shows. They are vain and big-headed and egotistic and over-confident. Prick their fragile bubbles, though, and they’ll cry like babies. They have no staying power, no stamina for a fight, no resistance and no reserves. They are weak and would willingly bribe their way out of any trouble.
* If you catch them unawares in the bathroom they’ll be acting out speeches or practising being interviewed on chat shows
In any real risky situation you’ll find them leading from the back. Once the excitement and danger is over they will become very vocal about their achievements and success on the field – how very brave they were, and how the whole battle would have been lost if they hadn’t saved the day at the last moment, by the skin of their teeth. This is, of course, a complete fiction.
They think they look slimmer than they are. They are always planning to enrol on a martial arts course. They never do. They run to seed and grow fat.
They think the whole of life is like a gigantic game of chess – they play to win and they play to make you lose. There is no other outcome as far as they are concerned – and your losing is as important, if not more so, than their winning. They do like to gamble – with your affections, with the law, with their very lives. You’d be better off having nothing to do with them in case they drag you down with them into the bankruptcy courts, the pits, even into hell itself.
* They think the whole of life is like a gigantic game of chess – they play to win and they play to make you lose
They are unbelievably competitive and will turn anything into a bet, a competition, a race, a wager, a gamble, a contest, a fight. Put them under any real pressure, though, and they’ll cave in. They’ll do anything to win and will resort to trickery, fraud, lying and good old-fashioned cheating. This applies to any situation – relationships, business, love and friendships.
They grow into grumpy old men and sour old women. Mind you, they start out pretty grumpy – but it only reaches a climax when they are old and think they can get away with it. They are lazy, self-indulgent, corrupt and avaricious – and that’s the good side of them.
* They are lazy, self-indulgent, corrupt and avaricious – and that’s the good side of them
Aries people will never ask for help as they think they can cope just fine on their own. They will, however, always take over anyone else’s tasks as they think they can do everything better than anyone else. If they would slow down for a moment that might be true – unlikely but true.
God but the Aries do like to fall in love. It’s something they do at the drop of a hat – or a pair of briefs. They keep their hearts in their pants, so it is easy to get an Aries to fall in love with you – just sleep with them. They are, however, puppy-like in love, and will follow their intended around with hang-dog expressions, flowers and lust in their eyes. They stay in love long after all traces of love have evaporated. It takes dynamite to shift them. You can try being as nasty as you like, and they’ll still follow you around. They can never quite believe that anyone could stop loving them despite their unlovable natures. Tangle with them at your peril. They are like limpets, clinging to your knees as you try to leave them.
* They can never quite believe that anyone could stop loving them
They are completely unreliable in love and will be swearing undying devotion while trying to seduce your sister, your brother, or both. They come across as curiously old-fashioned but they have the morals of a mongoose. They like to buy flowers and small cheap gifts, but only in an attempt to get you into bed.
They’ll take you to a Greek island – as long as they can get cheap flights – and spend the whole time trying to have a holiday romance under your very nose.
Morals of a mongoose? Ha! The mongoose society would have them thrown out for lax morals. They would sleep with anything that moves, given half a chance. They think fidelity is not thinking of someone else while they’re with you. The kinkier it is the more likely you are to find Aries there with their noses in the trough. If it involves leather, whips, pain, humiliation and degradation – it’ll be too tame for them.
* If it involves leather, whips, pain, humiliation and degradation – it’ll be too tame for them
They are always dreaming of three-in-a-bed sessions, but both of their sex partners would have to be in love with them, and not with each other – the Aries couldn’t stand that. They also like the idea of sex in public – but only the idea; they are actually quite prudish and wouldn’t even let you kiss them in the open. For all their talk of kinky sex, they are very conventional in bed.
They like the idea of lots of regular sex but if they get it they get bored, so keep them guessing, keep them wanting more, keep them at arms length if you ask me. They think they’ve got unbelievably high libidos but they cool quickly if they get too much. They are passionately jealous and make dangerous love rivals – they’ll play dirty to get exactly what they want, so watch out. They think they look good in the nude. They don’t.
They are bossy and controlling, domineering and egotistical. They think they are right, infallible, untouchable, perfect, fool-proof and terribly cuddly. Tell them they are arrogant and bossy and they won’t have a clue what you are talking about. They think they are caring, supportive and kind and thoughtful. That shows you how out of touch with themselves they are.
If they work for others they are uppity, unhelpful, lazy, and will cheerfully steal your ideas and claim them as their own. They will gossip and cause trouble if you don’t keep an eye on them permanently.
* They will gossip and cause trouble if you don’t keep an eye on them permanently
If they work for themselves they either go bankrupt or make a fortune – nothing in-between for them. They think they work hard – and will tell you this constantly – but in reality they skive and shirk their duties. They think they are ‘ideas’ people but most of their best ideas are stolen from others.
If they do get rich they’ll hoard the money and still buy you cheap gifts. Their idea of a Christmas bonus for their staff is Boxing day off. Their idea of a Christmas bonus for themselves is a racing car. They also like to reuse last year’s Christmas cards, and will ask people to sign them in pencil so they can be re-cycled.