Taureans like others to think of them as refined, and experts when it comes to food and drink. This is just a cover; they are in reality a glutton and a drunk. They care nothing for culture, it’s all a matter of getting quantity rather than quality, although they do make a good job of fooling most people. They are greedy both for oral satisfaction and material wealth. No one can accumulate quite like them. They can also do a nice line in fake environmental concern – they really couldn’t give a damn just so long as they own it all. They have too many close relatives.
Hey, don’t cross these babies. They have horns and spikes and all sorts of weapons. They probably sleep with shotguns under the bed. They are quick to lose their temper. They like to throw tantrums to get their own way and will carry on doing so long after childhood has left them behind. If they can’t get their own way they’ll attack you. Cross them at your peril.
They like to think of themselves as oak trees with their roots firmly entrenched in the soil of their earth. Yes, they are like oak trees; unable to move, easy to get struck down in storms big, ugly, strong and stupid.
They feel threatened a lot – so tend to barricade themselves in behind security devices, barbed wire, gun turrets and arrow slits. They think everyone is out to rob them. We are.
* They think everyone is out to rob them. We are
They often come across as ruddy-faced, cheerful and slightly drunk old buffoons – think Falstaff, think Santa Claus, think Duke Ellington. But they are never as causal and laid back as they appear. Think instead of a shrewd operator, think of a canny business person, think acting and pretence. They like you to think of them as silly, but beneath that bluff exterior beats a heart of solid dollar signs.
* Think Falstaff, think Santa Claus, think Duke Ellington
Don’t ever ask one of them what they think. For a start they’ll tell you and tell you in blunt, plain old fashioned words. Boy, do they have a mouth on them. They like to use foul language – they think it makes them more likable and earthy. The truth is they are just foul – and they like to drone on endlessly once asked. Don’t give them the opportunity. Shut them up or they’ll bore you forever. They could bore for their country.
They don’t like to be rushed and they don’t like to take risks. Oh, you think those qualities are admirable? Then you must be one of them and you were told not to read this. The rest of us – the other eleven signs – find them slow and cowardly. They can’t be hurried – or won’t – and they are so frightened of risking a dollar they’d rather lose a thousand than take the risk. They get cuckolded a lot.
Taureans are so rich it’s worth the effort of stealing from them. Other signs are poor, so not worth bothering with, but a Taurus will always reward you with rich pickings. They know this and hide their stuff away – it’s always under the bed by the way. They have too many books.
Can you imagine the lengths they’d go to, to avoid falling in love? Love is soppy, messy, risky, time-consuming. They’d much rather be eating or drinking or hoarding money. Being in love means outlay – you have to buy a ring, flowers, wine, a honeymoon, a wedding, anniversary cards.
* They’d much rather be eating or drinking or hoarding money
Once they do fall in love you’d better hope it ain’t you. They will smother you with tacky gifts, suffocate you with attention and affection. They think having lots of children will keep them safe from being dumped. They have a particularly claustrophobic approach to long-term relationships – you aren’t allowed out of their sight. Instinctively they know they’re going to get dumped eventually and they try everything to prevent it – which brings it on all the quicker. They hate to be betrayed and will get so angry and put on such a show of indignation – ‘How could you do this to me?’ they’ll bellow. Brilliant fun to goad one.
But if you do betray one stay well out of their way. You wouldn’t want one of these as a real enemy.
They do like to plot a seduction though and will ponderously go about it. But finesse, charm, grace? No, these are not words they will be familiar with. Exaggerated, theatrical, overexcited, now that’s more like it. Think bulls rutting. Think cows being mounted. Think bovine. Think big. Think ungainly. Think all over in a second.
* Think bovine. Think big. Think ungainly. Think all over in a second
They don’t like to be thwarted in their love interests and are terrible at taking hints so you will have to give them the brush-off with real brushes, or boots. They are immune to subtlety so you will have to spell it out to them in simple words: ‘Go away, I don’t want to sleep with you, you are repugnant’.
* ‘Go away, I don’t want to sleep with you, you are repugnant’
They don’t like to change partners too often, as breaking in a new lover takes too much time, too much money, too much effort. They are so lazy that they would stick with someone pretty well no matter what, rather than have to go looking for a new lover.
Their sexual preferences tend towards the natural, the basic, the lusty and the rude. They don’t like kinky sex – they are afraid it might cost them too much. They like quick, no-nonsense sex, to be got over with as quickly as possible so that they can have a cream tea.
Basically they are quite honest – good to be able to say something nice – but they will try every trick in the book to get one over on you, when it comes to finances. Once the deal is struck – and it will be on their terms believe me – they’ll stick to it through thick and thin. Unflinching loyalty is their strong point – their only one – and they do like to milk it – ‘Call me Honest John’, that sort of thing. But in all seriousness do you know what the ideal occupation is for a Taurean? I’ll tell you – Estate Agent. Yes, that’s how bad it gets. At best? A wine merchant.
They all think they’re gardeners and farmers, – what nonsense. There’s not a green finger amongst them. They think they’re good in the country but the suburbs is the place for them – all lace curtains and three-piece suites. They like to think they’ve got good taste but it’s firmly set in the 1950’s.
* What is the ideal occupation for a Taurean? I’ll tell you – Estate Agent. Yes, that’s how bad it gets
Working for themselves is not for them. They like a wage packet too much. And a pension scheme and bonus schemes and loyalty bonuses – getting the message? Yep, they like bonuses. I wouldn’t employ one, they’re such sticklers for details, far too bogged down in petty rules and bureaucracy. They don’t have a lot of initiative. They also steal pens.
