CHAPTER 28

 

Allie hesitantly knocked on Meg’s front door, still unsure exactly what she was going to say. How do you tell someone you have known for decades that you love her without sounding like an idiot? What if Bella was wrong and Meg didn’t love her the same way? She could be about to make a total fool of herself. What if...?

“Allie. You’re back.” Meg’s shock at seeing Allie made her words sharper than she’d intended.

Allie stepped back, her dismay at Meg’s tone clear on her face.

Meg shook her head in frustration, “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. Please, come in.”

The two women stared at each other, neither seemingly able to move. Eventually, Meg broke the spell and stepped back to usher Allie inside. In the living room, Allie stood whilst Meg poured her a glass of wine.

“Should you be drinking?” Allie asked, frowning, indicating the half-empty glass by Meg’s chair.

Meg shrugged. “I’m allowed to have one glass every couple of days, at least for the next couple of months.”

“So, how are you?” asked Allie curtly, accepting the glass Meg handed her.

Meg studied her friend with concern. Allie had lost weight and looked gaunt and tired.

“Well I certainly feel better than you look,” she responded with her usual honesty, taking a seat in her armchair.

Allie’s pent up anger exploded. “Well that’s bloody marvellous! That has probably got a lot to do with the fact that you’ve been in hospital for the last five weeks, having everyone running around after you, while the rest of us were worrying ourselves sick.”

Meg started to speak and then stopped, at a loss. Finally she said, “I’m so sorry, Allie. I know I should have told you what was happening to me.”

“Yes, you damn well should have!” Allie put the glass down on the table and glared at Meg. “You had no right to push me away. For heaven’s sake, what did you think I was going to do? After all the enquiries I made and the conversations we had, how did you not understand that I was concerned about you? I knew there was something wrong, Meg. Why the hell wouldn’t you talk to me?”

Meg sat with her head bowed, cradling her wine, speechless.

“I thought you were going to die, Meg. When I saw you on that gurney before they took you to hospital, I thought I’d lost you and I was bloody terrified. Have you any idea what that feels like?” Allie turned away, walking towards the window as tears threatened to choke her. “And then...” She gave a mocking laugh. “Oh, then I found out that the whole thing could have been prevented, if you’d told someone what you were experiencing. Imagine, if you can, how that made me feel?” Lowering her voice, she spoke through gritted teeth, “Right there and then, I was so furious with you, I almost wished you had died.”

Meg blanched. Allie’s words hung in the air. She had seen Allie angry in the past, but never this angry and never, ever had the anger been directed towards her.

“For weeks, wherever I went, people were asking me for details about your heart attack, as if I might actually know something.” Allie leant her head against the cool window and clenched her fists. “I desperately wanted to hate you. You have no idea how bloody hard I tried,” Allie choked.

She heard a small sob and turned to look at Meg, shocked to see tears running down her face. Instantly, her anger evaporated. Slumping onto the sofa, she dropped her head into her hands, then looked across at Meg’s tear-stained face and gave a small smile.

“No matter how hard I tried, though, I just couldn’t hate you. Do you know how hard it is to hate someone you are in love with?” she asked quietly.

Meg wiped her cheeks, dabbed at her eyes and returned Allie’s gaze. Emotion vibrated around them, like an electrical current bridging the gap between them. Meg rose from her chair, holding Allie’s gaze as she walked the few feet to the sofa, then sat next to her. Taking Allie’s hands, she held them close to her chest.

“I am so sorry, my darling. You’re right. I was being stupid and selfish and not thinking about you at all. I was thinking about me, and the fact that I wanted to be strong and not give in to weakness. I am so, so sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

Allie sighed and squeezed Meg’s hand. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, when are you going to learn that you aren’t bloody superwoman?” Exhaustion crept into her voice as she continued, “I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you. I don’t know how I would have ever kept going.” Letting go of Meg’s hand, Allie gave a small shrug. “Knowing that, I actually don’t know if I can just continue the way we were. I really don’t.”

Taking a deep breath, Allie chose her next words carefully, praying she was making the right decision. “I have spent a lot of time thinking about our history and I realise that, whilst what you did was incredibly stupid, you are not the only one at fault here.” Lifting Meg’s chin with her hand, she looked directly into her eyes. “I’m in love with you, Meg. I have always been in love with you, but I have never been confident enough to acknowledge it to myself, let alone to you. What I need to know now is, do you love me?”

Meg’s eyes widened, a flash of fierceness lighting up her expression. She leant over and took Allie’s face in her hands, drawing her lips to her as she whispered, “More than anyone in the world.”

How did I not know that Meg’s lips would be so soft? Allie wondered as she surrendered to the demanding mouth moving against hers. She felt like Alice in Wonderland, falling, falling, falling through the rabbit hole. All she was aware of was Meg’s voice softly saying her name over and over again, like a prayer, as she spilled kisses over her cheeks and down her neck. This was what she had been missing all those years; holding Meg like this felt like coming home. She lifted her head, stroking Meg’s face, and the desire radiating from her left Allie breathless.

Together they moved to the bedroom, slowly, taking their time, pausing to seek one another’s lips time and again. They were soon standing beside Meg’s bed, whispering endearments, encouraging, wanting, hands and lips moving in synchronicity. Allie felt Meg’s hesitation as she began to remove her shirt.

“The operation, I have to be careful…” she began.

Seeing the fear in Meg’s eyes, Allie paused, laying a finger against Meg’s lips. “Trust me, my darling.”

Meg smiled slowly, gently stroking Allie’s cheek. “I do. I trust you more than anyone in the world. I always have.”

As the shadows of the encroaching evening crept over the comforter covering the two women, Allie stirred in Meg’s arms.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt?” she asked quietly.

Tracing her fingers over the back of Allie’s hand, Meg shook her head. “Oh, you have no idea how many times I tried, but I never quite knew how. We had settled into such a comfortable space with one another. I nearly summoned up the courage several times, but then failed at the last minute. I was terrified you’d reject me and then I would lose it all; you and our friendship. As the years went on, it just seemed easier to ignore my feelings. Then one day, I talked myself into taking the risk. It was the week of your thirty-fifth birthday. I had spent days practising what I was going to say to you and even had a romantic surprise dinner booked. I told myself that if you said no, it would be all right, we would still be friends. I rang to invite you to dinner…”

Allie closed her eyes, groaning as she remembered. “And I told you that I couldn’t because I was going to dinner with this wonderful new woman I’d met. Oh, Meg…”

Meg shrugged. “I told myself it was a small setback. You hadn’t been in a real relationship for several years. I figured it would last a few weeks, as usual, and then I could try again. Imagine my complete shock when you announced several months later that the two of you were moving in together.”

Allie’s eyes widened and she sat up, staring at Meg intently. “That’s why you suddenly took off to France.”

“I never liked that bloody woman anyway, but it was so hard to be around you and see you so happy. I know, it sounds strange, but I loved you so much it hurt. I tried for a while, but when it became obvious that she was using you and you refused to listen to me, I got incredibly angry and decided to get as far away as possible. I had this crazy notion that you would come to your senses and come after me.” Meg rolled her eyes. “When you didn’t, well…I guess I decided that it was just all a pipe dream.”

Allie linked her fingers through Meg’s. “You came back, though, in the end,” she said softly, nestling once more in Meg’s arms.

Meg smiled sadly. “Yes, my darling, but I came back with a protective shield around my heart. I couldn’t bear being away from you any longer, so I decided I just had to hide my feelings. I thought I was doing fairly well, but apparently there are others around who aren’t so easily fooled.”

“I can’t believe we have both been such fools for so long! You know, for two smart women, we have been pretty damned stupid.”

Meg drew Allie closer. “Maybe, but I tend to think that things work out the way they’re meant to. Whatever the past is, we can’t change it. We can only go forward.”

“Well,” said Allie, running her hands over Meg’s body, “at least we will be doing that together.”