Emma felt the familiar tingle in her nose and sniffed loudly. She would not cry in front of people. She wasn’t going to allow people to see that Charlie had upset her. Maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that she put up with him? He always acted as though she deserved the way he treated her. Most of the time he made her feel like it was her fault and she often wondered if that was true. She didn’t see other couples behaving the way that they did. He was much worse behind closed doors, but he seemed to care less and less about talking down to her in public. It was starting to unnerve her. She guessed he was feeling a lot safer to do as he pleased because she would soon be his wife. He nearly had her exactly where he wanted her. She remembered when she was younger watching a documentary about someone who had been abused for years by her husband, but kept going back to him. Emma just couldn’t understand why the woman didn’t just leave him. How could anyone put up with somebody treating them like that? She recalled the narrator on the programme saying that these situations were never as simple as they seemed; some of the women were afraid. Many had been controlled for years felt isolated because they didn’t feel they had much support elsewhere, and they still loved their husbands, despite everything they did.
Emma had thought it all seemed ludicrous. In her opinion, if someone treated you poorly, you just walked away, changed your number and ignored them. It was simple. You moved on. So how on earth was she now standing here in Vegas probably feeling exactly like those women on the documentary? Was she afraid of Charlie? She didn’t think so. It wasn’t as though he had ever actually hit her. He was cruel at times and toyed with her emotions, but she’d never voiced her concerns that it wasn’t right. He’d always convinced Emma to let him be some kind of manager to her, arranging her diary, negotiating deals with brands and answering her emails and she had always let him. It was the things he did behind her back that was starting to bother her. At first, she’d let it slide, but a few months back he’d organized a deal with a protein shake company for himself, all through her emails. The deal was that Emma had to be tagged in some of the images he posted as well as Emma posting a few from her account, which had more followers. Now she’d seen that that wasn’t the only one; Charlie was trying to get as much work and money as he could, all through her name, and without being honest and upfront with her what he was doing. It just didn’t sit right. When he finally told her about the protein shake deal, Emma had to explain that she couldn’t promote it as she already had a deal with another protein company and it would be breaching the terms of her contract. Charlie had been exasperated, and though he still got the deal for himself, his commission dropped from thirty-five per cent to ten per cent when the company was told Emma wouldn’t be involved too.
When she’d told Kim and Holly about Charlie managing her emails, they seemed to question why Charlie was involved any more, now it was Emma’s full-time job. It had made her start to question if she really did need Charlie like he constantly told her, at all? Seeing all the messages he had been sending earlier that day only told her, that actually, he needed her. So she had changed her Instagram password and as soon as Charlie had tried to log in from his phone and had been logged out, he’d felt as though he had the right to grab Emma’s phone and look on it anyway. She knew he would accuse her of all sorts of things if she didn’t eventually tell him the password; there was no way he would let her get away with not telling him and it was beginning to ring alarm bells. She had always made excuses for him, telling herself that he only did things because he cared so much.
After first meeting Charlie, Emma had only seen his caring, loving side for months. He’d been everything she had ever wanted and she couldn’t have been more elated that with every bit of weight she lost, her love for Charlie only grew. Emma couldn’t believe how supportive and helpful Charlie had been, and never having been in a serious relationship before, she had nothing else to compare it to anyway. She just knew he made her feel good about herself when she had suffered from such low self-esteem.
Things had started to change when she’d agreed to live with him. It had started off with just the odd little comment at first, but as time went on, Emma was seeing more and more of Charlie’s wicked side. The person he now was was almost unrecognizable from the man she’d fallen in love with.
Then today Emma had a panic attack. What was all that about? Was she panicking about the wedding more than she realized? When she’d told Charlie, he hadn’t seem remotely bothered about it.
‘Loads of people get them,’ he’d said with an insouciant shrug when she’d got back to their hotel room. He’d been playing cards with Frankie on the balcony. ‘They’re no big deal. You just learn how to cope with them.’ Frankie had seemed more concerned than him.
Emma didn’t want to learn how to cope with them. She didn’t want to ever experience one again, full stop. They were horrible and she felt hurt by his blasé attitude. There were no words of comfort or support like there would have been once upon a time. No attempts to reassure her that everything was okay. It was just brushed under the carpet as it was whenever she had a problem with anything. If it didn’t involve Charlie, he was rarely interested.
She wasn’t drinking alcohol tonight. Emma didn’t want to wake up the next morning unsure if she and Charlie had argued or what had happened. She wanted to be on the ball, in control of everything she was doing and saying. She was getting married soon and she didn’t want anything to jeopardize her big day, despite the fact the thought of getting married was now making her feel nauseous. She felt a huge responsibility to her guests; they had all flown out to Vegas to see her get married, so she would, no matter how scared she was beginning to feel. She had a gorgeous man who loved her and maybe he would change after the big day? That’s what Emma hoped more than anything. Maybe once Charlie knew Emma was his wife and wasn’t going anywhere he would relax a bit more. Loosen her reins a little.
Emma thought back to earlier that day and how stunned she’d been when Holly had asked why Charlie had been so cross with her. It had taken her by complete surprise. No-one had ever quizzed her before about anything, or had ever said anything other than positive things about their relationship. She was often told things such as how well they were suited, they would make beautiful babies and how nice Charlie was. She was constantly informed that she’d met ‘a real catch’. She believed them too. Charlie was handsome, successful and funny. A little immature at times, but she could see why everyone thought she’d hit the jackpot when she’d met him. No-one knew how small and ashamed he managed to make her feel. Nobody saw him having a tantrum and ignoring her over something pathetic. They didn’t hear the nasty names he called her. She recalled how she’d almost told Frankie once what Charlie was like. She had wanted to hear someone else’s take on him. He’d popped over after work one evening and Charlie hadn’t yet arrived back.
‘Do you and your girlfriend ever argue?’ Emma had ventured. She knew Frankie hadn’t been with her for that long, but she was intrigued.
Frankie had narrowed his eyes a little, thinking. ‘We have disagreements, yes. Everybody does. Sometimes I don’t agree with things she does, but we always sort out our problems and talk them through in the end. Why do you ask?’
Emma was stirring the curry she’d made on the hob. ‘Oh, I don’t know. I just heard a couple rowing on the train the other day, that’s all,’ she lied. She stood there contemplating whether or not she should tell him. Would he tell her to leave Charlie? Would he end up disliking him? Emma didn’t want either of those things to happen, though she did wonder whether Frankie would always take Charlie’s side regardless. Emma wanted to be Charlie’s wife and settle down. She didn’t want to go back to square one and meet someone new all over again.
There was a pause before Frankie spoke again. ‘I think respect is a very important thing in a relationship. Once the respect has gone, it rarely ever comes back.’
Emma thought of Frankie’s wise words as she stood in the bar. Had the respect disappeared from their relationship as soon as they moved in together? But Charlie always apologized after he was nasty to her and Emma always made excuses for him. She always told herself she was partly to blame for his behaviour. He was constantly reminding her how much he had done for her and how appreciative she should be. It seemed that according to Charlie, Emma should forever be indebted to him.
Emma had a sudden urge to talk to someone before she committed the rest of her life to him. She longed for someone to tell her she was doing the right thing. She looked over at Holly who was busy chatting away to Max and made her way over.
‘Holly, can I speak to you a moment?’ she asked feebly.
Emma felt nervous to admit the truth out loud to somebody, but she knew she had to. She trusted Holly and knew she would give her good advice.
‘Of course,’ Holly replied, appearing puzzled. ‘I won’t be long, Max,’ she told him as she followed Emma’s lead.
Emma walked out of the bar and through the hotel. There was a seating area near to the casino, which looked fairly quiet, and she sat down on two empty seats. ‘Sorry,’ she started, her eyes downcast, ‘I didn’t mean to interrupt things between you and Max.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Holly told her, her brow furrowed. ‘What’s up? Are you okay?’ she asked, concerned.
Emma inhaled slowly, looking at her nails; they were immaculate. Recently done for her big day free of charge by a salon at home in return for a few posts on her Instagram. ‘I just wanted to talk to you about Charlie,’ she began. ‘I feel really awkward talking about this …’ she tailed off.
‘Is everything okay between you?’ Holly asked, looking at her sympathetically.
Emma hesitated. Once she admitted the truth, it was out there. She’d never be able to take the words back and pretend everything was perfect again. ‘Not really, no.’
‘Does he hit you?’ Holly asked delicately. ‘I won’t tell anyone. Whatever you tell me will be in the strictest confidence, I promise you.’
‘No, no, nothing like that,’ Emma said, attempting to sound surprised that Holly thought such a thing. He wasn’t that bad. She wasn’t one of those battered women who needed shelter at a women’s refuge. She wasn’t even sure if she was overreacting about the whole thing.
‘Then what is it, Emma? Are you just not getting on? Has something happened?’ Holly probed gently.
‘He does this thing,’ Emma said slowly, thinking how she should word it so Holly would understand. ‘He gets upset over really little things, and sometimes, most of the time, he won’t speak to me afterwards. I swear he’s the most stubborn man on the planet,’ she gave a light laugh and her eyes flew to Holly who was looking at her gravely. Clearly she wasn’t in the mood to laugh with her and it made the atmosphere even more serious. Emma bit her lower lip. ‘Sometimes he won’t talk to me for days. I think once he even lasted a whole week,’ she confessed in a small voice. ‘Can you imagine living with someone and begging them every day for a week to talk to you? It’s so frustrating and he does it because he knows how much it bothers me.’
Holly’s eyes were wide and full of understanding as she listened to her every word.
Emma cleared her throat. ‘When he finally does talk to me again, when I have him back to his usual self, he’s incredible,’ she looked at Holly and then away again into the distance. ‘He could make me so happy if he just stayed that way. But he has his other side: he’s possessiveness and jealous. He thinks he owns me and can tell me what to do. He hates my job unless it involves him, and puts me down all the time. Just earlier, he was furious at me because I wouldn’t let him go through my phone to check my messages. I know he’s going to accuse me of all sorts until I finally show him, and that’s not right, is it? Or I am just expecting too much? I do love him, I really do, and perhaps I’m just really scared to get married? He’s done so much for me since I’ve met him; I can’t forget that. I didn’t look like this when he first met me, but he still liked me,’ she said, glancing down at her tiny figure. ‘I felt so low about myself at times, and I never really believed I would meet someone to make me happy, so when I first met Charlie I used to be constantly smiling. I couldn’t believe my luck. Everyone thinks we have it so perfect,’ she laughed dryly, ‘they think because I’m always smiling on my newsfeed I must be so happy, but it’s not always true. Having the perfect social media account doesn’t mean a thing in real life. I used to look at all these gorgeous women on social media when I was a size eighteen, and I used to think, if that were me, if I was as petite as them and my make-up was as perfect or abs were as toned, then I would be so happy. But I’m still not, Holly. It has absolutely nothing to do with what I look like, I understand that now. It’s about what’s in here,’ she tapped her chest, ‘and that’s something I still need to work on. But Charlie has always seemed to believe in me.’
Holly was flabbergasted. ‘I do understand what you’re saying and I do appreciate that you’re your own worst critic; you just need to learn how to be comfortable and happy in your own skin. You’re beautiful, not just outside but on the inside too. Just because you were bigger back then and didn’t have as many followers on Instagram doesn’t mean you have to put up with the unacceptable way Charlie has been treating you. Are you supposed to be appreciative that he still wanted to be with you even though you weighed more?’ ‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ Emma muttered. ‘Nobody is perfect, right? Everyone has their flaws, I do get that. Most of the time he’s such an amazing guy who makes me happy and makes me laugh.’
‘Is most of the time really good enough for you, Em?’ Holly questioned. ‘It sounds to me like Charlie has some real issues. He’s controlling you, can’t you see that? What do you want to do? Have you spoken to him seriously and told him it needs to stop?’ Holly looked disconcerted.
‘All the time,’ Emma told her, her mouth twitching uncomfortably. ‘Not recently though,’ she admitted. ‘Maybe I need a serious talk with him and to tell him it’s not acceptable any more. When we first arrived here we had a huge argument, I can’t even remember what it was about now, and I made my way to the Bellagio Hotel to watch the water fountains by myself. I felt so peaceful and calm just watching the water that I wanted to just stay there and not have to face him.’
Maybe the answer was telling Charlie how serious things were though? Though deep in her heart, Emma knew it wouldn’t work. She’d done and said it all before. She’d even left him around four months ago, staying in a local bed and breakfast for a few nights. He’d sweet-talked her back, and then gone back to behaving exactly how he always did once he knew she was back on side. As Frankie had told her that day in the kitchen, once the respect had gone, it very rarely came back.
Holly’s nostrils flared. ‘I really don’t think you should be marrying him, Emma. I know it’s not my place to say, but you don’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s not too late and I wouldn’t be a good friend if I wasn’t honest about how I feel about the situation.’
They were the words Emma had been afraid of. The ones she didn’t ever want to be told. Anxiety was flooding through her veins. ‘I have to,’ she told her, feeling panicky again. She breathed deeply. ‘I do love Charlie and like I said, he can be so lovely. He does make me happy the majority of the time. I want to get married and have a family, and I have to believe that if I tell him to, he’ll change. I know he’s not always nice to me, but everyone argues, don’t they? I think he deserves a chance. I’m not sure I’m ready to throw the towel in just yet. I don’t feel like I can.’
Holly’s eyes were burning with alarm. ‘I think it’s a really bad idea to go through with it, Em, I’m not going to lie. But I can see that it doesn’t matter what I say or do – I won’t change your mind, will I? You’ve clearly made your mind up that you’re going to marry him. I think he needs some kind of help though, I really do,’ she said, shaking her head and giving Emma a beady look. ‘Maybe you need to see a relationship counsellor, something along those lines. Rob and I went a few times and I know it didn’t work for us, but it does for lots of other couples.’
Emma was rankled by her worried expression. She was praying that Holly was going to tell her Charlie didn’t sound that bad. She’d hoped she would tell her she should follow her heart and that love would conquer all their issues. But she knew even before she’d spilled her secret that Holly wasn’t going to advise her to marry Charlie. She didn’t ever see the nice side of him: the one that took her out to dinner and bought her gifts he knew she’d love when she was feeling down. ‘I’m going to have a long discussion with him tomorrow and tell him all the things that need to change. If he sees how serious I am, I have to trust that he’ll listen,’ she explained, trying to convince herself just as much as Holly. ‘I can’t let everyone down. Everyone has made such an effort to be here for us …’ she broke off, feeling her eyes begin to water. She swallowed hard.
‘It’s not about everyone else, Emma. It’s about you and your happiness. Please don’t get married for everyone else’s sake. No-one would care if you didn’t go ahead with it so long as you were making the right decision. It’s really not something to take lightly. I’m so glad that Rob and I didn’t get married, I really am. It’s hard enough breaking up when there’s no divorce to go through. Having to get divorced would just make it even more stressful.’
Emma faced Holly with equanimity. ‘I think I’m doing the right thing, Holly. I do love him. I’ll make him change. I want things to change so badly. We won’t get divorced, I just know it. I just wanted to speak to someone about it, so thank you for listening to me.’
She stared at Holly for a few moments, suddenly feeling guilty. ‘I know I haven’t been there for you since you split with Rob. I’m so sorry. You know what it’s like; life just seems to fly by and I’ve been so busy with my job and focusing on the wedding.’
Holly shook her head dismissively. ‘Don’t be silly. I haven’t been much better, have I? It’s a two-way thing and I know how manic life gets. Please don’t apologize. You honestly have nothing to apologize for.’
‘Thank you,’ Emma said, standing up and giving her friend a tight squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s head back to the bar before the others wonder where we’ve got to.’
Holly nodded. ‘If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you,’ she said as they began to walk back. ‘Maybe write down all the things he’s done to you as well. You know, write it in a diary, something like that.’
Emma stared at her, wondering if that was really necessary. Clearly Holly didn’t have any faith in her relationship now. She obviously believed Emma may need evidence against Charlie in the future.
‘And Emma,’ Holly continued in a firm voice, ‘you can’t even think about having children with Charlie. Not until you’ve sorted out your relationship. It’s not healthy to bring a baby into that environment.’
It was as though Emma had been winded. She craved to have her own family as soon as possible. She wanted to be a mother more than anything; it was her next goal in life. But Holly was right – there was simply no way she could bring up a baby with a father like Charlie as he was now, and Emma walked back to the others, feeling worse than she did before.