After the service, Luke and Brad loitered so long that Josh caught up with them, his robe and neckpiece gone. All that remained was normal, gorgeous, irresistible Josh in dark dress pants, a shirt and tie.
“How about the four of us go to lunch?” Josh asked. “I’m starved.”
Regan was about to plead her upset stomach when Luke and Brad jumped in with a “Yes!” Luke was evidently enthusiastic about lunch out with not only his best friend, but also the man who was quickly building a strong place in his life.
“I’ve got lunchmeat at home,” she offered lamely.
Luke gave her one of his scrunch-browed expressions like she’d lost her mind, and she laughed resignedly. “Okay, we’ll go.”
They walked a few blocks down and entered a nondescript diner that was a dead ringer for a few hundred other diners in cities all over the country. They slid into both sides of a booth, the boys on one side, and Josh next to her on the other. He slid too close, crowding her, then he shot her an apologetic smile and scooted back. Her heart jumped a little, first at the physical contact, and then at the lack of it.
She missed him already.
Over hamburgers for the boys, and a salad for Regan, they talked.
“Writing those sermons must be the worst part of your job,” said Brad.
Josh laughed. “Actually, I enjoy that part of it. It’s my chance to make a difference in peoples’ lives.”
“But I hate it when I have to write papers at school. To have to write a paper every week—what a drag, dude.”
Luke nodded his head in exaggerated agreement.
“Ah, but there’s a difference.” Josh took a big, messy bite of his hamburger, and grabbed for his napkin. “You’re writing papers that your teacher tells you to write. What were the last few papers you wrote?” He looked at both the boys in turn.
“Euthanasia,” Luke groaned.
“Compare and contrast two Shakespeare sonnets,” said Brad with a moan.
“You don’t give a hoot about those topics, right?”
The boys nodded in unison.
“I’m writing sermons about things that are important to me. Vital messages that the people I care about need to hear. And I’m in the unique position, as their pastor, to teach them. To deliver the message.” Another big bite of hamburger. “I’m God’s messenger, and I take that responsibility very seriously.”
Although he followed up with a final bite of his burger, the boys seemed to catch on to its importance. In fact, they looked at each other with raised eyebrows, and Regan caught Brad’s murmur, “Cool.”
“I’m very lucky, boys, and my hope for you is to find what I’ve found. God has a plan for all of us. He has a calling for you, Luke. And for you, Brad. Your task is to find out what it is, and then pursue it. I’m living God’s plan for me. I know that.”
Just then, Brad’s mother came into the diner and broke up the awed mood at the table. The boys started to gather their things and slide out of the booth.
“Luke…?” Regan looked him, a little confused.
“Hi, Regan,” Brad’s mom said. “Is it all right if we take Luke with us to the Y? Brad asked if he could go swimming and invite some friends.”
She swung her glance back to Luke. He was nodding his head so fast she feared he might dislodge it. “You got your key? You’ll need to go get your stuff.”
He dug in his pocket and pulled it out, holding up the shiny object like it was a treasure. They made quick plans about his return, and like a flash, they were gone. She and Josh were alone. Just what she didn’t want to be.
But she couldn’t avoid it. She’d come to a conclusion concerning Josh, and she needed to let him in on it.
He scooted out from the booth and slid quickly in across from her. Oblivious to what was on her mind, he reached across the cleared table and took both her hands in his. “There, that’s better. I can see you now.”
She looked into his happy face and his beautiful eyes, agony over her upcoming chore flooding her heart. She’d better get to it. The longer she waited, the greater the chance she’d lose her nerve.
“Josh, I need to tell you something. It won’t be easy for me. And it may not be easy for you, either.”
His expression changed instantly from casual happy, to guarded alarm. “What is it? Are you all right?”
It figured that would be his reaction. Concern for her. Where would she ever find another guy who was so thoughtful and considerate? Probably nowhere. But that couldn’t stop her from doing what she needed to do.
“Actually, I’m not. I’ve been struggling, Josh. And I’ve reached a decision. One that affects you.”
He squeezed her hands tighter, and whether he meant to or not, the action gave her added courage. She took a deep breath. “Josh, I don’t think it’s going to work out between the two of us.”
She watched him close his eyes, softly at first, then squeeze tightly, blocking out all light and probably putting up a guard against emotion. He didn’t say anything. Eventually, he opened his eyes and she looked deep into them, wondering why on earth she’d be ending a relationship with a guy who was so good for her, who was so good for Luke, who made both of them happy.
Because she wasn’t good for him. In fact, she was destructive to him. And most probably, his future.
“I’ve told you before how I didn’t think I was a good fit for you, because your faith is so strong, and mine … isn’t. I’ve seen you in action, Josh, and I don’t see me being an asset to you.”
He continued to hold on to her hands, and despite the fact that she was the one delivering the message, her eyes started to tear with the sadness she felt. “I just think you’re making a mistake spending time with me. I’m not right for you, Josh.”
Finally, he spoke. “Why do you say that? You’re a good person, Regan. You’re kind and determined and hardworking.”
“But I don’t have the same kind of relationship with God that you do.”
He gave his head an urgent shake. “No one has the same kind of relationship. God knows what we need, and He provides that for each of us separately.”
Regan dropped her head and delivered her next words to her lap, “But I’ve read about what a relationship with God could be like. And I’ve seen it in you.” She raised her eyes to meet his. “I’m not there, Josh. I’m not nearly there.”
He squeezed her captive hands and said with renewed enthusiasm, “You could be. Right here, right now. Let me pray with you. Ask Him to come into your life. He knows your heart. If you’re ready, He’ll come in when you invite Him. He’ll change your life, Regan. All you need to do is ask.”
It was so tempting. She would love to be one of those authors writing her testimonial about the day God changed her life. The day she handed over the control and all the worries to Him. The day she let Him be her pilot, her captain.
But then her mind wandered back to that shadowy place in her memory where her darkest secret hid. Uh no, we will not go there.
She pulled her hands, a little roughly in retrospect, away from his and said, “No. You don’t get it, Josh. I’m not there. I don’t have that kind of faith. I don’t even think it would work for me.” She sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want to see you anymore.”
She watched him for some reaction, and after he’d stared at her a few moments, he frowned. So the message had gotten through. Mission accomplished.
Regan couldn’t stay and discuss it with him. After the exhausting battle she’d faced in the church ladies’ room, and now the actual delivery of her dreaded message to Josh, she didn’t have the strength for any more. She needed to get out of there. After all, what more was there to say? It was over. Over really before it began.
“I’m sorry, Josh. You’re a terrific guy, you really are, and please don’t think it was anything you did. It’s just who you are. And who I am. I’m … sorry.”
And with that miserable communiqué, she slid out of the booth, her eyes filling with tears, stumbled out of the diner and never looked back.