Luke didn’t have to go too far to find his friends—they were poking their noses in the dark, musty utility closet in the foyer part of the church. He could see Brad playing macho man, pulling on Jessica’s arm and threatening to toss her in and slam the door. She was screaming, but he could tell she wasn’t serious—it was a joking around, flirting kind of scream. Which gave him the perfect in.
Without thinking too much about it, he ran up behind both of them and grabbed Brad by the shoulders. Luke knew he’d caught him by surprise because without his resistance, it was remarkably easy to lift him up almost off his feet and toss him about a foot away. Brad had about twenty pounds on him, and under normal circumstances would win a physical scuffle anytime.
“I’ll rescue you, fair maiden,” he said in what he hoped sounded like a comic sort of voice, like a classic Monty Python movie. Yeah, she’d either think he was the funniest guy in the world, or the biggest nerd loser. Considering his location, he said a quick, silent prayer that it was the former.
Jessica giggled and Brad let out a disapproving roar. Figuring that he’d gone this far, he might as well finish it, Luke turned to Jess, took her hand, bowed his head over it and kissed it gently—like Robin Hood would to Maid Marian. And was totally encouraged when he heard her response, “My hero!”
So encouraged, in fact, that it stunned him into paralysis just long enough for Brad to get down in a three point stance, push off and tackle him, throwing his body over Luke’s, landing them both on the hard wooden floor.
“Ooof,” Luke gasped in surprised pain, holding his torso with one hand, and his head with the other. The last thing he needed was his head to start gushing blood again.
That’s when he remembered that he still had that huge bandage taped to his forehead—right about the same time Jessica shrieked, “Your head! Luke, omigosh! What happened?”
Brad did a quick roll off him and stared, murmuring, “Whoa, sorry, man.”
“It’s okay. I was in an accident today. It’s why I didn’t make it to the Rally until late. And Josh, too. He met me at the hospital.” He relayed the quick story, and he had to admit he liked Jessica’s reaction—she had that pity-party look that he absolutely hated seeing from his mother, or even his buds. But somehow it was pretty nice, coming from Jessica.
She came over to him and reached out toward his face, then pulled back a little, like she was hesitant to hurt him again. She looked at him, their eyes locking until he shrugged and grinned. Taking that as a green light, she stroked right below his hairline, her fingertips barely making contact, but her feather-like touch made him shiver, nonetheless.
Luke felt a gasp coming on, and put a lid on it—with a lot of effort, before she knew that all it took from her was the slightest touch, to make him short of breath. Clearing his throat instead, his voice sounded a little brusque when he said, “It’s just a few scrapes and a concussion. I’ll be fine.”
“It was your lucky day, I guess,” Brad said, coming closer. Jessica dropped her hand, but shot Luke a smile that made his face warm.
“Yeah, I guess.” Brad’s voice reminded Luke that his best friend was still in the room, despite the fact that for a minute there, it seemed like he and Jessica were the only two in the whole huge stone church.
Like, was he losing it or what?
Luke cleared his throat and remembered what he’d wanted to ask them, “So, how did the Rally go?”
“Awesome.”
“Yeah, man,” Brad said, “your mom really saved the day. Josh wasn’t coming, and all the kids were getting crazy and the food fight was well on its way to disaster. That’s why we were checking out this closet—we have to start cleaning that up.”
Jessica said, “But your mom got them quieted down. She jumped up on that stage like she owned the place, and started sharing her testimony. Your mom is so cool, Luke. You’re like so lucky to have such an awesome mom.”
Luke smiled and took in Jessica’s enthusiastic smile, and along with it, those lips that had appeared in more than one daydream during his daily battle with boredom in Mr. Patka’s Science class. And he had to admit she was right. “Yeah. She is pretty cool.”
On the way back to the closet to pick out brooms and mops, Luke made two mental notes. First, he’d have to work harder to cut his mom a break every once in a while. And second, maybe, just maybe, Jessica would say yes when he’d worked up the nerve to ask her out.
* * * *
Regan turned toward Josh, a little unsteady on her feet. “He’s not ready to go home yet.”
“He’ll be okay, you know.” Josh stepped closer to her and gripped her forearm with a gentle pressure. His eyes were so close, so blue, and so deep, that she had this undeniable urge to shrink herself to Tinkerbell size and dive into them, bathing in their warmth.
“I was so worried,” she began in a whisper and then he silenced her in the most astounding way she could ever imagine. He kissed her.
He wrapped his arms behind her, pulled her close and crushed her against his chest. He closed his eyes, and she momentarily mourned the loss of that gorgeous azure view, making her come to a full realization of how much she’d been connecting with them. Then, just as she was reeling from all that happened so far, he laid his lips on hers. His warm pressure on her lips cut a direct track to her heart. Her chest pounded like an Olympic athlete in training.
Then, just as suddenly and unexpectedly as he’d begun, he stopped. He pulled back and studied her, almost like she was a science project and he was waiting for something to document. But all she could do was stand there, her chest heaving irregularly, wobbling a little on her feet, hoping beyond hope that she wouldn’t do something incredibly embarrassing, such as falling over and hitting her head on a pew.
But the man had one more surprise up his sleeve, as she was soon to find out, and if she thought she was wobbly before, his next revelation would surely do her in.
“I love you, Regan.”
She caught her breath—in fact, so quickly that something caught in her throat and she began coughing. Then, once she started, she couldn’t stop and she coughed so long and so hard that when she finally finished, doubled over and tears streaming down her cheeks, she had a horrible ache in both her sides.
But she couldn’t have misunderstood him, could she? He’d said it so clearly. Still, she had to be sure. “What did you say?”
He smiled at her words, or maybe at the simple fact that she was capable of speech once again. It took so little to make the man happy.
“I love you.”
Her eyes swept over his face, taking in every inch of its handsome surface. The slight dimples in both his cheeks, which were accentuated when that beautiful smile was present. Could she love this man? Was she capable of selecting a man in her life who wouldn’t end up as wrong as Rick was? God help her, her heart was screaming yes!
“I know it’s sudden. And I know you probably think this is out of the blue. But I’m not a kid, Regan. I’ve been around a long time, and I know exactly what I want. What I need in a wife. I am very cautious because I know what a bad marriage can do to the people involved in it. I grew up in that.”
“But,…” She knew she needed to argue. She’d broken up with the man a few weeks ago, for goodness sake. Why? Her reasons were becoming increasingly unclear as her heart was filling with more and more fondness for him.
“I know,” Josh went on. “You didn’t want to be with me because you felt that your faith wasn’t strong enough to be a preacher’s wife. You felt you would be a liability to me in my career.”
“Yes,” she breathed. She had done the right thing, hadn’t she? The selfless thing. The best thing for Josh. She had thought through it and made the mature decision. Or at least, it seemed so at the time.
So why did it feel so wrong now?
Josh squeezed her hands, bringing her focus back to him. “Regan, just think about what you did up there on that stage tonight. Think about all the lives you touched. Yours was one of the most inspiring Christian faith messages I’ve ever heard.”
“Really?” Okay, so she liked hearing those words, and wanted to bask in them for just a minute longer. Could anyone blame her?
“Of course! You did a great job. And you know what else? Your words were inspired. God was leading you through that, Regan.”
“He was?” Her heart filled with so much joy she thought she’d burst. Maybe he was right. Could she have imagined, when she’d broken up with Josh, that a few short weeks would make such a difference in her faith journey? She’d learned so much. God had taken her so far, and given her the perfect chance to share what she’d mastered. If He could accomplish that through her in just three short weeks, what could He do with the rest of her life?
The kids had accepted her message with enthusiasm. Josh, who was a professional, was telling her she had done a great job. Who was she to argue? Maybe her reason for breaking up with Josh—her own spiritual shortages—was no longer valid.
As the thought hit her, she turned to him, and before she could analyze it, before she could talk herself out of doing something so incredibly spontaneous, she kissed him. She stretched so she could reach him and put her lips on his, in search of that warmth and excitement she’d felt when he’d kissed her a few minutes before.
It seemed that the barriers had been removed. Crashed through, in fact. Luke liked him. She liked him. He liked her—loved her, even. Her faith deficits were no longer an issue. What could stop her from pursuing a relationship with Josh? The kind of loving, adult relationship that God intended for her?
And then, she cringed and wrenched her lips away from his. Because she was all too aware of the one thing that could stop her.
The truth.
Josh stared, bewildered. His fingers came up to his lips and brushed them, as if his memory didn’t want to let go of the sensation of their lips joined—not just yet.
His confusion jabbed her heart. She owed him an explanation. She certainly did.
If he were to start a relationship with her—a real one—with the intent of permanence, she had to tell him. She had no choice, no matter how painful it was. No matter the consequences. Whether he walked away from her, disgusted and outraged, or somehow, by some miracle, he understood, accepted and loved her still.
Miracle. It would take a miracle for Josh, as good a person as he was, to forgive her for what she’d done. But miracles had been known to happen. To her, even. Tonight was a living example.
She dragged her gaze away from his curious eyes, and wandered a few steps away. She bumped up against the foot of the stage where she’d stood, sharing the message of her new faith. She sat on it, hoping that it would help her deliver her next message in the same brave way she had delivered the first one.
She held out her hand, an invitation for Josh to join her. In a few steps, he was beside her. “There’s something else I need to tell you. Something you need to know. If we are ever to be together, it’s got to be because you know everything about me, and love me anyway.”
His forehead crunched with interest and concern. How she wished she didn’t have to unload this on him. How she wished she didn’t have this skeleton in her closet to dig out and place at his feet, awaiting his judgment. She took a deep breath and pushed it out, the thrust of her sigh powerful. Josh, sensing the significance of the pending message, placed his hand on her shoulder and caressed it gently.
“A few years ago, before Rick and I were divorced, I was working all the hours at the paper I could get my hands on. We needed the money, because Rick had been laid off from his job. And as month stretched into month of unemployment, our finances became strained. That’s about the time our marriage started to deteriorate, too. We fought constantly.”
She took another fortifying breath and Josh captured her hand and rested it in his own, leaving her with feelings of warmth and safety catapulting through her. Gazing into his fearless blue eyes, she wondered if telling him her deepest, darkest, most closely guarded secret could possibly be as effortless as he made it seem it would be.
“So I guess I was working extra hours for two reasons—one, to make ends meet during a time when he wasn’t bringing in any income. And two, the less time we spent together, the less time we’d have to fight.” She gave him a grim smile, and went on. “I don’t remember the specifics, like where I was coming from—probably some city hall or school board meeting that I had volunteered to cover for the paper. And I don’t remember what time it was, but it was well beyond dark, and probably in the time of night when the streets weren’t quite as busy on a weeknight, and most everyone was in bed. Since we lived out in the suburbs then, I had a pretty good drive ahead of me.
“I was exhausted. I mean, brain-numbing, toothpick-holding-up-the-eyelids drained. I’d been doubling up my work hours for so long that I think I’d just reached the end of my rope. Eventually, when you’re burning the candle on both ends, the candle just ceases to function. That’s the stage I hit that night.”
Josh nodded and squeezed her hand, silently willing her the strength to keep going.
“I dozed off while I was driving. Of course, I had no idea I’d done it until I woke up to the most horrifying sight of my life. I wished it was a nightmare, because then I’d wake up from it. But unfortunately, it was real.”
Tears formed in her eyes and she pulled her hand from Josh’s to brush them away. She hadn’t told this story in years—had done her best to forget it—suppressed it in the deepest recesses of her mind, so she wouldn’t have to relive the horror.
“I don’t know how long I slept. Probably not very long. It only took a few seconds to inflict the damage I did. When I awoke, it was to some terrible jolts and bumps and grinds of my car. I had lost control and drifted off the street, onto the sidewalk. My car slammed into a post.”
She stopped there because to get the rest of the story out was almost impossible. Tears streamed now, unfettered, down her cheeks and her breath was choppy. She dropped her head into her hands and practiced the technique that the psychologist had taught her, those years ago when she was working to recover from the horror of her accident.
Deep breath in, hold. Deep breath out, slowly. Deep breath in, hold. Deep breath out, slowly. The technique did its work, and soon she felt her heart slow its racing pace and her fingers stopped their tingling.
She looked up at Josh. His face was so close to hers and she could see his care and concern etched into every line. He gently wiped the teardrops from her eyes with his thumbs, and when he’d finished, he embraced her and pulled her close.
She felt enveloped into his sweater and while she continued her deep breaths, she pulled in the scent of him and a wave of comfort rushed over her. Oh, she could spend the rest of her days in his arms. If only he would still want her there when the rest of the tale was told.
They sat there for a while, Regan lost in his embrace. She had no inkling of how much time passed, or what anyone else in the church was doing around them. She hoped they were alone now, that the rest of the teenagers had filtered out, so she could finish her confession without an audience. But in reality, she had no idea. Nothing existed in her world beyond Josh’s arms.
He didn’t speak. No interruptions would distract her. Just his strong presence, giving her silent encouragement to go on.
“I bumped my head on the windshield, and I passed out for a short time. But eventually I got out of the car. People had gathered nearby, I thought attracted by the fact that I’d flown over two lanes, off the road, and up onto the sidewalk. They were all gathered at the front of my car, where I’d run into the pole. What I didn’t know was they were attracted by something else. Something horrible.”
Josh hugged her and she said the next words as whispers into his ear. “I had pinned a pedestrian against the pole with my car.”
Her tears fell, just as they had two years ago, just as they had every single time since, that she allowed her mind to tread anywhere close to the day of the incident.
“When I realized the full extent of what I’d done, I ran back to the car, and backed it up. The people carried him off and laid him down, tried to make him as comfortable as possible.” She heaved a deep breath. “He was still alive. I made my way over to him, pushing through the crowds that assembled around him. I looked down at him, lying there on the pavement, his head bleeding, his body crushed, and I knew. I had done this to him. It was my actions, my carelessness, that had caused so much pain for this poor man. All he’d been doing was walking along the sidewalk and his life changed forever. So had mine.”
She looked up at Josh and she could tell he was lost in his thoughts. He was staring blankly ahead, probably trying to place himself at the scene, imagining himself as part of that terrified throng on the side of the city street. She had no idea what he was thinking, but it didn’t matter. She was committed now. She’d begun the tale, and she must finish. Despite what it may cost her, such as his love and respect.
“The police got there, and an ambulance. Somehow, we made it to the hospital. I was really out of it, and the passage of time hasn’t cleared my memory any. But I do know that the man held on for a few days. His name was Mr. Gray, and he had a wife and two young children, younger than Luke. They were constantly at his bedside during those last few days. But eventually, he died from his injuries. The injuries that I gave him.”
She couldn’t go on, not yet. Her tears had dried up, but the effort that it took to live through the incident again had left her exhausted and spent. Her head hung heavy, and she rested for a few silent moments before she was able to go on. Josh was still and gave her the time she needed to regain her strength.
“After Mr. Gray died, his family visited the police. They decided to press charges. I can’t say I blame them. He did nothing to deserve this unexpected death, and they wanted someone to pay. Well, me. So, one day the police came over and arrested me.”
Josh’s head flew up and he met her gaze. “But it was an accident!”
“Yes, it sure was. It was a terrible, horrible accident. But still, I killed their husband and father. The charge was involuntary manslaughter, which implies that it was an accident—it was involuntary.”
Josh’s hand tightened around hers. He put his other hand on her shoulder.
“I left everything that day—my husband, my son, my home, my job. I went straight to jail and I stayed there.”
“How long?” His blue eyes pierced hers and she sensed a feeling of outrage building behind them.
She gave him a grim smile. “Not nearly long enough to pay for what I did.” He looked away from her, his forehead creased with thought. “I stayed there till my trial came up, about three months, all in all. It was the absolute worst time of my life, hands down. Not necessarily because of how I was treated in jail. But because every single day, I was forced to face what I did. What my actions, my carelessness, did to that woman and her children. I ripped their husband and father away from them. I take full responsibility for that. And I’ll always have to live with it for the rest of my life, Josh. The time I spent in jail was my physical punishment. But inside me, my mental punishment is much worse.”
Her legs ached and she stood to take a few steps away from him. “The trial lasted a few days, and the jury found me not guilty. It was an accident, as you said, pure and simple. An accident with devastating consequences. The Grays walked out of the courtroom feeling robbed, and I can’t blame them. In this world, there are at least three people who hate me. And I’ll have to live with that forever, too.”
She had her back to him, so she turned and looked at his bowed head. “A lot of things in my life changed when I went home. For one, I’ve never gotten behind the wheel of a car since. And my marriage was never the same. Rick was so ashamed of what I did that he never got over it.”
The story was told. It was out in the open, exposed. There was nothing more she could say or do to make him understand. All that was left was his judgment.
She gazed at him, long moments tumbling over each other and transforming into an awkward silence. He stared at his feet, his elbows on his knees and his back hunched. Finally, he turned his head in her direction and his eyes met hers.
She stood in hushed quiet, waiting for his reaction. She scanned his face, studied his eyes, desperate to read something—anything—a sign of how he felt about her now. She’d just laid her worst confession at his feet, and now she was exposed, vulnerable. She trembled, a single cool shiver tiptoeing down her spine, and still, she waited.
And then, it dawned on her, like a thundercloud rolling in, darkening the sky and dropping gallons of chilled water on everything around it. He was silent because he was shocked—disgusted—ashamed of what she’d done. That was her answer—what she’d been waiting for. How could he still love her if those were the emotions he was feeling towards her?
The monstrous weight of her past had crushed his fledgling new love for her, like an elephant tromping on a garden of daisies. Well, so be it. She wanted him to know the whole truth about her, and make his decision. And evidently, he had. He wanted nothing to do with her.
The realization brought unbidden tears, previously dried, now flowing anew in her eyes. But she couldn’t let him see. She’d displayed more than enough emotion as she’d wept through most of her story. She wouldn’t lay this on him as well.
He’d made his decision, and that was that. There was nothing left for her to stay for. A quick escape was the only thing left on her mind, so she turned toward the back of the
sanctuary, toward the exit, toward the doors leading out.
And she ran.