She’d made it about three rows of pews when she felt a hand wrap around her upper arm. The grasp was tight and she could no longer continue her mad trek to the door. In fact, she lost ground as the pressure not only stopped her, but pulled her back a few steps.
She struggled to keep her balance, and suddenly, there he was—Josh, holding onto her and making sure she didn’t fall. He stood right behind her, his free arm wrapped around her shoulders. She tipped her head back and caught a direct glance at those deep, blue eyes, and she got the uncanny impression that he was staring right into her soul.
“Don’t go,” he said softly, and she stared for a moment.
She wriggled out of his grasp and turned so she faced him directly. “Why?”
“I’ve got something to ask you.”
Oh, questions. She’d heard them for years. How could she do it? Why did she drive home if she was tired? Why hadn’t she called a cab? Questions that had run through her mind hundreds—no, millions of times since the night of the accident. She couldn’t bear facing them again. Her best strategy for dealing with the tragedy in her life was moving on. Not by dwelling on it but doing her best to put it out of her mind. Answering all the questions that invariably accompanied her explanation of the accident wouldn’t let her accomplish that.
“Josh, I just don’t think I can. Did you see what it cost me to tell you that story? I turned myself inside out to tell you the truth, and I saw how you reacted. Not that I blame you, and you weren’t the first one, believe me. But your reaction was undeniable. Answering a bunch of questions now about my inadequacies isn’t going to help.”
Josh blinked, his face an utter mask of confusion. “What?”
Regan paused, the new expression on his face a surprise to her.
“Hold on, how do you think I reacted?”
The question caught her off guard. How did she think he reacted? There was no thinking required. She saw it with her own two eyes—he was speechless, disgusted, ashamed of her.
Right?
“Well,” she stammered, “you didn’t say anything and I just assumed …”
“You assumed what? That I was judging you for your mistake?”
Although he wasn’t touching her, she was all too conscious of his closeness. Her breathing shallowed and she forced herself to meet his direct gaze while his musky scent drifted unbidden into her awareness. It was about all she could manage, under the circumstances, to nod her head and murmur, “Yes.”
He stared into her eyes another moment, and then his intense expression softened. He took both her hands into his. “Regan, that’s not true. God is all about forgiveness and unconditional love. He sets that example for us, and He expects us all to live that way, too.”
His gaze, combined with his powerful words, was too much for her, and she dropped her head and closed her eyes. But he went on, his voice permeating her self-induced darkness.
“One night, a long time ago, you made a mistake. Unfortunately, that mistake had a terrible result—the death of another person. But you didn’t do it maliciously. And you paid the price for your error. We’re all human, and terrible accidents happen all the time. We should be sorry for them. We should grieve with the people that we hurt. We should apologize and do all we can to make up for our actions. But the last step is we need to be open to forgiveness. Now, you need to ask God to forgive you.”
She shook her head. No, it was impossible. This was unforgivable. After what she’d done to the Gray family, she didn’t deserve to be forgiven.
“God doesn’t want us to live a life full of regret and pain. He wants us to live in the fullness of His grace. It’s not just for me, Regan, it’s for you. For all of us. Anyone who believes in Him and places their life in His hands.”
Tears welled in her eyes as she inadvertently held onto the pain that had been such a big part of her life for years now. She’d killed a man. She couldn’t possibly live a life full of joy and grace. Whatever bad things came her way, she had earned them the night she’d plowed down another human being and taken away a family’s husband and father.
“Regan, this is the lesson that God wants you to learn right now. You’ve come so far in your Christian faith. Before you became acquainted with God, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself to be forgiven. You had tucked this big secret away inside you, but it’s been eating holes in your heart. Now, God wants you to ask Him to forgive you, and He will grant it. All you need to do is ask.”
Astonished, she looked up at Josh. So, God was involved in her decision to tell him about the accident? God recognized this opportunity to nurture to her soul? But, it wasn’t about her—it’s about the Grays, and their loss. She’d walked away from the accident, unscathed, unharmed. That was enough, wasn’t it?
She shook her head. “But wait, when I told you about my accident, you didn’t say a word. You didn’t tell me any of this, you just stayed quiet. I thought you were ashamed of me.”
His face saddened for a moment, and then he took her into his arms. It wasn’t till that moment that she realized she needed a hug, desperately. Why did this man always seem to know what she needed, even before she knew? When he pulled back, he said, “I was praying for you. I was asking God to prepare your heart, so you could ask Him for forgiveness.”
She stared, speechless. He grinned, then chuckled. “I figured you needed a little encouragement. And I was right, wasn’t I?”
The heaviness on her heart lightened slightly when she realized that she’d misinterpreted his silence after her revelation.
“Regan, pray with me.” His words were urgent, as if something big was riding on them. He dropped down to a kneel, and she hesitated for only a moment before she followed. Regan took a deep breath and nodded, bowed her head and tried to focus on nothing but Josh’s words, “Dear Lord, we thank You for the strength that Regan showed as she stood up here on this stage tonight and spread the message about how You’ve taken up residence in her life. We thank You for the impact she made on the hundreds of teenagers who heard her. We ask You to bless their lives from here forward.
“But God, Regan needs Your help. She needs to understand that she has created a dam, a blockage, that is preventing her from experiencing the fullness of life that You have planned for her. Please open her up, Lord. Listen to her now.”
Regan felt a swell of excitement in her heart. Was it possibly as easy as Josh made it sound? Could she really be relieved of the feelings of guilt and torture that she’d been saddled with since the night of her accident? Did God really think that she’d paid enough, that she deserved to be freed from the dread of her deed?
There was one way to find out. “God, please forgive me.”
It didn’t take any fancy words or a flowery sermon. That was all she said, and yet, Josh squeezed her hand and when she looked up at him, he had the most beautiful smile for her, and she couldn’t help but smile back.
When they finished their prayer, they stood. “So that’s it, huh? It was as easy as that, all this time?”
Josh smiled. “It’s as easy as that to ask for forgiveness. God wants to forgive us our sins if we’re sincere about asking for it. But don’t think it’s like the wave of a magic wand. There’s nothing magical about it. You need to work every day to remember that God forgives you.” He lifted a hand and brushed a lock of hair off her face. “This was a great first step.”
“Hey, Mom, good job on the Youth Rally.” Luke walked up with Jessica and Brad, tearing her attention away from Josh and the effect his simple touch had on her heart.
“Thanks, buddy. You heard it too, huh?”
“I heard some, and Jessica and Brad filled me in on the rest. They told me it rocked.”
She smiled and looked at Josh. “That’s a good thing, huh?”
He nodded. “Definitely. In fact, coming from a teenager, that’s one of the highest forms of praise.”
Suddenly, the day caught up with her. The panic over losing Luke, the high from delivering her message, the worry over Luke’s injury, the emotion spent with finally coming to terms with what she’d done one dark night years ago, and asking for God’s forgiveness. All in all, it had been quite a day. She was completely exhausted.
She stifled a yawn and said, “Okay, Luke, it’s time to get home.” She held her arm out to her son and he nodded.
He took a few steps towards her, and suddenly, Josh said, “Oh, can you hold on just a few more minutes? I have something to talk to Luke about. In private.”
Before she could object, he put his arm over Luke’s shoulders and pulled him aside a few steps away, where Josh conversed to her son in a hushed tone. She watched them idly, curious, but too tired to wonder what was going on. That is, until something Josh said caused a broad smile to lighten Luke’s face and he gave Josh the high-five sign.
She smiled. Probably promising a fun day at the arcade or the batting cages. That was good. She’d been wrong to remove Josh from Luke’s life, and she was glad they were making plans. Josh was good for Luke. In fact, Josh was good for both of them.
And that thought led to the next one—she hoped she hadn’t totally blown the possibility of a relationship between the two of them. They could start slow. Maybe she had damaged his budding love for her with her premature breakup, and then her dramatic story about her past, but he’d encouraged her to ask for forgiveness from God. Maybe, just maybe, she could someday earn forgiveness from Josh as well. If he was still willing to take a chance on her.
The two headed back in her direction. “Come on, Luke. It’s time to go home.”
She turned toward the doors and then Luke’s voice drifted from behind her, “Not quite yet, Mom.”
She stopped and sighed, frustrated. What was the hold-up now? It had been one of the most dramatic days of her life—a rollercoaster ride of emotions. All she wanted was to get home, unwind in a warm bath and go to bed. Sleep the next twelve hours, and start all over again tomorrow with a new outlook. Trying to keep her annoyance in check, she turned, ready to face her son. But it was Josh who had stepped close to her, and his handsome face that was looking at her now.
“Do you remember I told you I had something to ask you?”
She shook her head, and then she remembered. After she’d told him her story, when he’d stopped her from running out. “Yes.”
“I still do.”
Her impulse was to put it off—wait till they were both rested—what was so important that it had to be said tonight? But she didn’t say any of those things when she caught the intense look in his eye. So powerful was his expression that she was speechless—curious about whatever was on his mind.
And, as a topper to an already mountaintop day, she watched as Josh took her hand, locked her eyes in his gaze, and kneeled down on one knee. The significance of his movement was not lost on her, and she gasped as he began to speak.
“Regan, for a long time I’ve been looking for the right woman to spend my life with. Someone to travel along beside me, sharing life’s joys and challenges. Someone to love, unconditionally. I suspected when I first met you, that you were the one.”
Regan’s heart was racing. Her ears were pounding, and it was an effort to concentrate on his words, when all she could think about was his apparent intention.
“We’ve had a short journey, but an eventful one. Tonight, it’s become clear to me. I believe that God put us together for a reason. I love you, and you’re the perfect person I want to share my love and my life with, for the rest of my days.”
This is it, this is it. A chant was forming inside her brain, as she focused on his words. Was she ready? Could she do it? Did she have what it takes to be a preacher’s wife?
And almost before the question was out there in her mind, the answer came swooshing in: it takes faith in God, and a strong love for a preacher man.
“Will you marry me?”
Yes, yes! She smiled, the joy in her heart beaming on her face. She looked at Josh. He appeared anxious, suspended, waiting.
“Yes!” She shouted it, accompanied with a laugh.
His waiting over, he leapt to his feet and gathered her in his arms and twirled her around in a whoosh of elation. She shrieked and he gave a loud, happy laugh. Applause came from behind them, and Regan looked around as she whirled, searching for the source of the clapping. Soon, she found it. Luke and his friends had heard it all, and from the sounds of it, approved.
Then, Josh set her down and sought out her lips with his own. She closed her eyes as they connected. She knew this was exactly where she was meant to be, and although the thought made her heart race, she concentrated on the kiss and nothing else in the world existed.
THE END