Sarah Brown
Sarah Brown is the founder of PiggyBankKids which works on a range of charitable projects changing lives of babies and children. She and her husband, former UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, have two sons. Their daughter Jennifer, died in 2002 at 10 days old.
There is surely nothing worse than losing your much-loved child. Nothing at all.
Every day I remember our daughter Jennifer and cherish the 10 days we were able to spend with her.
Every day I try to focus on the happy memories that exist as a way to remember and appreciate her short life.
Every day I hope also to help the impact of her life grow through the life-saving work of scientists at the Jennifer Brown Research Laboratory in Edinburgh. Their clinical work on the causes and consequences of pregnancy difficulties and prematurity is groundbreaking. The research team is doggedly looking for new information to help the work of our great obstetricians, midwives and other professionals across the Health Service. We have the support of many other parents who make a little sense of their own loss through seeking to help other babies and families in the future.
In the United Kingdom about 1 in 200 babies dies soon after birth from pregnancy, delivery and other complications. In addition, about 1 in 200 stillbirths means further loss and anguish for parents. Of course, in the developing world where the rate of infant and maternal mortality is so high, the tragedy of each loss is equally great, but more commonplace, and many of those deaths so heartbreakingly preventable with simple interventions.
Since Jennifer’s death in 2002, I have spoken many times to mums and dads, grandparents, other family members and close friends who have experienced a similar loss. We all learn from each other. There is lots of advice to be had, of course, but everyone has their personal journey to take. Talking with others is so valuable. And the cliché that the passage of time helps is certainly true. The first lesson is to recognize that the big overwhelming debilitating pain that hits from time to time does subside and, as hard as it is to go through it, you learn that you do come out of the other side each time.
The advice that most helped me is something I don’t even remember whether I was told personally or read in a book, but it made all the difference. I learned simply that I did not need to find a way to mend myself, nor to return to being the person I was before. I had assumed that I must find a way to recover and resume my life which proved impossible. Instead I realized that the loss of Jennifer had changed me forever, and importantly I realized that this was okay. With that understanding, a burden lifted from my shoulders and I looked afresh at how to move forward. I see others struggle to resume their familiar lives and often share that piece of advice.
The other thing I have learned is to continually open my heart to the love I feel for my daughter, no matter how painful that can be at times. There is a temptation to put something that hurts to one side in order to cope better in daily life. Actually the reverse is true. Just recognizing the full extent of your love means you can cherish, remember and properly honour the person you have lost – and know that you are denying them nothing. As all parents know, your child is the first person you meet for whom you would do anything at all, with no thought for your own self.
It is as true for the child who lives in your heart as for the child who lives in your home.