CASSIDY IGNORED HER screaming muscles, rose on her toes and tiredly swished the duster over the kitchen ceiling fan. Late-afternoon sun streamed sluggishly through a nearby window. It cast a golden glow over the lemon-cleanser-scented room and illuminated minute particles suspended in its warm light. A sneeze built in her head.
“Achoo!”
“Bless you.” Daryl’s muffled voice carried from the walk-in pantry, where he organized dry goods. “Hanging in there?”
“Barely.” She rubbed her aching neck. “Fall cleaning is no joke. I’m never in one place long enough to make a mess, let alone picking up one this big.”
“Hey,” Daryl protested. “Are you dissing my housekeeping?”
“Not the parts that show.”
“I heard that.” He ducked his head around the frame and twinkling brown eyes belied his mock-frown.
“You were meant to,” she laughed. Her stomach did a funny little twist, a familiar reaction when it came to spending time alone with Daryl. Yet despite the unsettled feeling, she enjoyed their new ease with each other, their chemistry and connection even when doing the most mundane tasks.
“Found another crayon.” Daryl emerged holding a green piece in his palm.
“In there?”
She watched him, askance, as he dropped it into the heaping bucket containing crayons they’d begun collecting this morning. They’d decided to give the cabin a thorough scrub before the holidays hit. The kids had school and Daryl had the day off since Travis worked the range while on vacation to give his siblings a break. It’d seemed like a good plan…six hours ago.
“Where haven’t we found one? At this point, I think they’re reproducing.” Daryl hooked his thumbs in his worn Wranglers, and the move drew attention to his broad chest and lean abdomen beneath his white T-shirt. A flush raced across her cheeks. He looked handsome in that rugged, down-to-earth way of his: mussed dark hair and a beard shadowing his square jaw, brown eyes lit with a mix of intelligence, humor and tenderness and an easy smile that tumbled her heart.
“Should we leave to pick up the kids from the bus stop?” It was located on the main road, a long walk from the tucked-away cabin.
“Boyd’s getting them, so we’d have more time alone.” The layers of unspoken meaning infused in the innocuous comment dried her mouth for a wild second.
Since the Halloween fund-raiser a couple of weeks ago, Cassidy’s resolve to keep her distance had met with resistance. Daryl seemed to be launching a campaign to win her over to Carbondale, to Loveland Ranch, his family and him. Every day, he surprised her with thoughtful gestures, some small, like semiprecious stones he’d collected on the range. Others were bigger, like organizing family hikes and teaching the children how to take photos.
Each activity strengthened their bond and it scared her to death. Her editor promised a new assignment soon and it couldn’t come fast enough. Much longer with Daryl and the family she’d begun to think of as hers, and she’d never leave.
If only she could be sure she’d be happy here forever.
“Let’s take a break.” Daryl threaded his fingers in hers, led her to the living room and tugged her down beside him on the couch. “Turn,” he ordered.
Despite her resolve, she presented her sore back and melted when he began kneading the kinks in her neck. Her eyes closed in bliss. A gal could get used to this. His fingers were strong. Sure. Gentle. The deft touch of a man used to working with his hands. They found the knots and eliminated them as effortlessly as he anesthetized her worries. A dangerous ability.
Her lids flew open, and she skirted to the opposite end of the sofa. “Are we still going to eat—”
“Steak for dinner?” Daryl interrupted. “Yes.” Were they finishing each other’s sentences now? “Did you get the—”
“Potatoes?” she supplied, then bit back a dismayed laugh. Yep. They were at that stage. Lord help them.
She grabbed a pillow and clutched it, needing the barrier. “Joy dropped some off on her way to the country store when you brought the kids to the bus stop.”
“How’d she look?” Daryl’s eyes darkened with concern.
“Pale. I hated leaving her to run the store today.”
Daryl blew out his cheeks as he nodded. “Sierra planned to help once she fed and dosed her animals.”
Cassidy plucked at the pillow’s tassel. “Has anyone brought up her going in for testing again?”
“Maverick’s been on her and Pa’s case, but Joy says she wants to get through the holidays before looking for trouble.”
Worry furrowed Daryl’s brow and Cassidy’s fingers tightened on the pillow to keep from reaching for him. “How will you and the kids do?”
“As far as getting through the holidays?”
“It’ll be their first without Leanne.” Silence thrummed between them. While they hadn’t consciously avoided saying Leanne’s name, it’d been a while since either had spoken it.
Daryl glanced out the living room’s large front window, his face impassive. When she squeezed his tense arm, he swallowed suddenly, audibly, then straightened and folded his forearms across his chest. “Technically, Leanne spent the day with your parents last year…so they only had me. This Christmas, they’ll have both of us.” His gaze swung back to her.
“Daryl.” Her voice cracked as she stared into his hopeful eyes. “There’s a good chance I’ll have my next assignment before Thanksgiving.”
There was a barely perceptible release of breath. “Not if you turn it down.”
“I can’t keep postponing.”
“Why not?” He brushed a thumb over her knuckles.
A fine shiver coursed throughout her body. “That’s my life.” Despite herself, she laced her fingers in his, hating herself for giving him mixed signals…all the more reason to leave. What was more, she wasn’t convinced he knew what he wanted, fully, either.
Help with the children? A substitute wife? She wasn’t Leanne’s replacement. Even if Cassidy could carve out a life with Daryl and the children, it’d be vastly different from the one he’d had, and preferred, given his need for stability and her unsafe career.
“You could have a new life here.” He leaned closer still, bracing himself on the couch cushion with his free hand. Something inside her fluttered like captive wings. Would he kiss her again?
Then an odd expression crossed his face. His brows scrunched together as he thrust his hand farther into the space between the cushion and the couch’s frame.
“What is it? Another crayon?”
“Not sure. Thought I felt the edge of something.” After some wriggling, he produced an old flip phone. “This used to be Leanne’s.” His voice lifted in wonder. “She thought she’d lost it, so we got another and…”
A different kind of excitement seized Cassidy. “Is it password protected?”
Daryl flicked open the cell and gazed at the blank screen. “Yes, but I know it. When we set up the phone, she used the kids’ names.”
“Do you still have the charger for it?” Urgency sped her words so they slid into each other. Had they finally uncovered their first real lead in solving Leanne’s mysterious last months? The phone’s age ruled it out as the one used to call Cassidy, but it might hold other important clues.
“I tossed an old charger that could be it when I cleaned the junk drawer.” Daryl leaped to his feet, and they raced to the black garbage bag beside the rear door.
Moments later they’d located the cord, plugged it into a free wall jack beside the bedroom’s desk and hovered over it. The cell screen glowed to life. He typed in the password and tapped the enter key, and the time and date appeared over a background of lavender fields.
Cassidy’s throat tightened. She recognized the image. Provence… Leanne had always wanted to see it. Now, this picture was the closest she’d ever get.
“I’m in.” Daryl’s gaze tangled with hers, then fell to the apps filling the screen.
“Look through her files.”
Only one appeared, titled Passwords.
He accessed it, and Cassidy’s knees went weak when the number and letter combinations to Leanne’s email and social media accounts appeared.
“She’d always had trouble remembering all her different passwords,” Daryl said huskily. “I told her once it could be dangerous to keep this on her phone where people could find it… Maybe it’s a good thing she didn’t listen?”
Cassidy met his eyes and placed a reassuring hand on his arm. She nearly cried with relief as they opened the accounts. The breaks in her memory might finally be filled.
“Who’s Robyn?” Cassidy frowned down at Leanne’s numerous email exchanges with the unknown woman.
“Her hairdresser. She’s been battling cancer and passed away a few weeks ago.” Daryl’s index finger hovered over the emails.
“What’s wrong?”
“Sounds stupid, but I don’t feel right invading her privacy.” A muscle thrummed along his jaw.
Daryl. He always tried to do what was right, even when it ran counter to his own interests. How strange that a quality you could find irritating about someone might also be why you loved the person.
Was she falling in love with him again?
“We need answers,” she urged. “Neither of us will have closure without them.”
Their eyes clicked before he tapped on Leanne’s last sent email.
Hey, girl. Call me! I’m not having such a good day today. Daryl knows something’s off with me and he keeps trying to do nice things like offering to take those ballroom dance lessons I wanted to do a few years ago. Today, he had my saddle retooled with our wedding date. I didn’t want to cry in front of him—since we know what a sham that date was—so I jumped in the shower and stayed there until I stopped crying. He doesn’t love me. I’m not good enough and no matter what he gives me, it’s not what I really want. His heart.
An exclamation of air blew from Daryl’s clamped teeth.
“I can go through these on my own.” Cassidy ached at the hurt turning his face ashen.
Daryl shook his head. “I need to know. Even if it’s tough to read.”
They scanned several mundane emails going back further in time. One said,
Thanks again for letting me crash last night, Robyn, especially when I know you’re not feeling well. Sometimes it’s just too hard to be part of a life you know isn’t supposed to belong to you…or where you’re not really wanted. Daryl thinks the worst, that I’m going out to bars every night, and at this point, it’s better if he hates me rather than just tolerates me. His sense of duty means he’d never let me go unless I do something drastic. I just have to figure out what that is…
“I was devoted to her,” Daryl choked out. “The kids loved her. Why did she feel like she didn’t belong?”
“When did you say she started acting differently?” Cassidy scrolled back farther in the emails.
“Eighteen months ago.” They went through more exchanges that seemed upbeat until they found the first message in a much graver tone.
Robyn—Can I come stay at your house tonight? I can’t even think about Daryl right now without crying and I don’t want to see him when he comes home. When I was cleaning out his old sock drawer, I discovered a small box wedged in the back. At first, I thought it was a surprise anniversary gift for me, so I was going to put it back. But then I had this weird feeling. I can’t describe it, but I just felt like I needed to see what was inside and I wish I hadn’t. It was the original engagement ring he’d intended to give Cassidy before she put him off. I stared at it forever, thinking about the last eight years together and how it’d all been a lie. He kept that ring because he still loves Cassidy. He always has and always will. What is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough?
Stupid me for thinking I was better for Daryl than Cassidy. She wanted to travel and have a career. I wanted to stay in Carbondale and be a wife and mother, which Daryl said he wanted, too. I figured once I convinced him to want those things with me, he’d forget about Cassidy. I thought he had…only I was wrong, stupid me.
I shouldn’t have made him my world when he really didn’t want to share it with me. I need to let Daryl go and not hold him back. From now on, I’m making my own way and proving I don’t need anyone. The country store will show I’m able to be successful, in my own small way…maybe everyone will believe in me then.
At a muffled choking sound, Cassidy whipped her head around to spy Daryl’s eyes mashed shut, his balled hands at his sides, his shoulders stiff and high. She flung her arms around his tense body. It was like hugging marble. Cold and hard.
She stroked his whiskered cheek. “Daryl,” she breathed. “Look at me.”
His nostrils flared, but he otherwise remained immobile, his stoic grief moving Cassidy powerfully. “Please,” she pleaded. “I’m here for you.”
“I shouldn’t have kept the ring,” he said, his voice raw and rough.
“Why did you?”
“It wasn’t a conscious decision. I’d like to think I forgot it was there, but I’d be lying. I wanted to hold on to that last piece of us. If I’d gotten rid of it, it meant I’d really lost you, and as long as I still had that small connection, I’d get by. Except I didn’t consider that by not letting you go, I never let Leanne in.”
“You did everything you could to make her happy.”
“I didn’t give her what she wanted most,” he ground out, all emotion scrubbed from his voice. “I was a terrible husband. A horrible boyfriend to you. No good, just like my parents.”
“You made mistakes, like everyone, but it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person,” she said to ease the pain rolling off him. She touched his tight jaw, drawing his face toward hers. “Especially to me.” His lids flew open and he shifted his eyes away, but not before she registered the haunted look in them. She’d seen it when she’d put off accepting his proposal in college. Had glimpsed it when he’d described his parents’ abandonment. He wasn’t just hurting over Leanne’s words, but over every other person he’d let down and been disappointed by in return…including her.
“You should hate me worst of all.” He shoved to his feet, snapped shut the flip phone and strode to the door.
She caught up to him and wrapped her arms around him from behind. She pressed her cheek to his back and held him. It’d been Leanne’s choice to go after Daryl when he’d loved another, despite her misguided rationale. Daryl had done his best to be a devoted husband and father to his and Leanne’s children. She hated knowing he blamed himself for Leanne’s unhappiness, but Cassidy didn’t know how to make it better any more than she knew how to quell her own grief when it came on so strong she could barely push past it.
She felt his tension ease as he turned and silently wrapped his arms around her. Somehow, even though she was in his arms, his body felt heavy against hers. As if his sadness were weighing him down. She wanted to take away his hurt. They shared the loss of her sister, the anguish for a woman who’d been an important part of both their lives.
The naked pain in his expression was mixed with the same yearning firing inside her. A tear dripped down his cheek and when he ducked his head to hide it, the last of her restraint evaporated. She didn’t analyze her actions as she drew his face toward hers. It felt right when she pressed her mouth to his. His lips were warm and moist, softer than any lips she’d ever kissed.
Daryl tried to pull away, but she kept her grip on the back of his neck, keeping him close. Cassidy wasn’t experienced with being the aggressor, but with Daryl it felt natural to slide her tongue along the seam of his lips and urge them open. She felt the slightest apprehension in his breathing seconds before his mouth opened to hers. The first slide of his tongue sent shocks through her chest, and when he tightened his grip on her and took control of the kiss, deepening it, claiming her, possessing her mouth like no one else ever had, she felt as if he were pouring his soul right into her.
She gripped the sides of his head, meeting every needy stroke of his mouth with her own. Their kiss intensified, became more passionate than any kiss they’d shared before.
Daryl groaned as he tore his lips from hers, leaving her breathless and craving more.
His eyes were wet, dark, and he almost looked angry, but she knew it wasn’t anger in his intense gaze. It was the same hunger gripping her. She wanted to feel more of it. More of him. She rose on her tiptoes to kiss him again.
“Cassidy,” he warned.
“Kiss me, Daryl. Just kiss me.”
He groaned again, and it was the most delicious sound she’d ever heard. Their mouths crashed together. His hand slid up her back to bury in her hair, sending a teasing heat to coil in her belly. He moved his lips to her jaw, and—oh, Lord—her neck. Oh, she liked his mouth, his teeth, on her neck best of all. He drew on her skin gently as he kissed her there, sending shivers down her spine.
She couldn’t think, could only feel, and want, and crave. She brought his mouth back to hers. He was better than chocolate, better than a summer swim, better than breathing. She wanted to live in his arms and lose herself in that talented mouth of his forever. She didn’t loosen her grip on his head as he tried to pull back again. She didn’t want him to move away. He made all the longing for those she’d lost, including him, go away, erasing the feeling of being alone.
She was in Daryl’s arms. Daryl. The man who’d once meant the world to her, the one she’d nearly given up everything to have, the guy who’d morphed into the most incredible man she’d ever known—more amazing than she’d imagined he’d be as a father, a sibling and son. Despite his efforts to block Leanne from his heart, he’d still cared for her in his own way. How else to explain the depth of his hurt? The betrayal?
Of course, the irony was she comforted the man who’d betrayed her…but she was beyond caring now. Before returning to Carbondale, she’d put him from her mind, if not her heart, loving him the way you loved a favorite toy you’d lost, with a sense of nostalgia and regret. Since living with him and the children, she’d been trying to deny the newer, deeper, more meaningful feelings she’d developed.
She’d been blind to think she could push him away.
This wasn’t how you loved a memory. A college boyfriend.
This was how you loved a man.
And Daryl Loveland was 100 percent man.
Could he be her man?
He tore his mouth away and shook his head. “Cassidy. Stop.”
She froze.
“Don’t kiss me like that. Not because you feel sorry for me.” His glistening eyes conveyed the anguish and the want warring within him.
Goodness.
What had she done?
He was breathing as hard as she. He’d kissed her like he couldn’t get enough, and right now she didn’t want to deny him when he’d discovered his role in his and Leanne’s estrangement.
“I feel sorry for this horrible situation.” She stroked the sides of his wet face. “And yes, that’s a part of it, but I’m also kissing you because I want to…because I’m—I’m falling for you again. And it makes me want to run from you—from us—as fast as I can. As far as I can.” The words tumbled quickly from her lips. When she finally paused long enough to look at him, the muscles in his jaw were clenched again. “But at the same time, I never want to leave you. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. But I—”
He cupped the nape of her neck and sealed his mouth over hers again, kissing her deeply, passionately, like he’d been waiting his whole life to kiss her. His tongue moved slowly over hers as he backed her against the wall beside the door. His strong arms enveloped her, keeping her close, pressing their bodies together. Oh, he felt good.
He drew back, slowly, as if he were savoring every second their lips touched. “But you’ve given me hope. I’m falling for you again, too.” With a crooked smile, he brought their mouths together again. Bliss loosened her muscles. Was there anything like a kiss that began with a smile? It tasted like sunshine. Promise. Hope. It was softer this time. When they parted, she opened her mouth to speak, and he pressed his lips to hers again.
She tried to talk, he kissed.
She was starting to like this routine.
When he pulled away again, she could barely breathe, much less speak.
He touched his forehead to hers, shaking slightly.
“Cassidy,” he whispered, dampness spiking his lashes. “Stop talking. I just want to feel you right now and nothing else. Just this. Us.”
She smiled through her tears.
He kissed her again. And again.
She marveled at the way her body flamed inside. All these years she’d wondered if there was something wrong with her for not feeling terribly attracted when other men kissed her. And now, kissing Daryl, feeling his need for her, his affection, she knew it was because her heart had always belonged to him.
“I’m home!” yelled Noah from the kitchen as the side door banged open.
She and Daryl jerked apart, eyes wide, chests heaving.
“Anyone here?” hollered Boyd. His boot steps grew louder as he crossed the living room.
“Just looking up something on my phone,” Daryl called. He glanced at the cell, then at Cassidy, his eyes falling to her mouth, lingering in a way that melted her inside. “To be continued?” he murmured, low.
They had a lot to work out, and uncover, about the past and the future, but today had been a start. She listened to Boyd helping the kids off with their coats. What would he and the rest of the family think of Daryl moving on…if he could move on? She wouldn’t be a rebound or a means for him to get through his grief. Had he changed enough to handle a wife who wanted him, a family and a job that put everything, including her, at risk? She wanted to achieve greatness, in all aspects of her life, including her personal one. The uncertainty ahead terrified her, but there was only one way to find out, and it wouldn’t be by running away.
“To be continued,” she agreed, her heart overflowing with hope and trepidation.