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Asher
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“So you’re actually going through with it?” Mary whispers next to me as I review the purchase contract for Ray’s Bar and Grill.
“Yep.” I nod, scribbling my name on the bottom of the first page before flipping to the second.
“You don’t think maybe you should take some more time to think about it?”
“You mean wait until I hear from Blakely?” I glance in her direction from the corner of my eye. “I already told you, Mary, I’m staying no matter what.”
“But this is a big step.”
“And one that I’ve thought long and hard about. It’s time I settle somewhere, put down roots. Build a life for myself. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather do that.”
“Owning a business is a big under taking.”
“It is. But it’ll be a few weeks before the sale goes through. I’ll have time to get things in order. Not to mention I plan to give the place a complete overhaul. It’ll be months before it’s operational. By then hopefully I’ll have an experienced manager lined up that can do most of the leg work.”
“You’ve got it all worked out.”
“I do.” I nod, flipping to the next page.
“So remind me again why I’m here?” She cocks a brow at me.
“Moral support.” I grin, keeping my eyes focused on the papers in front of me.
“Uh huh.” She nods, skeptical. “You sure it doesn’t have something to do with the fact that Blakely hasn’t been answering your calls?”
“How do you know that?” I ask, not the least bit surprised that she does.
“If you called me here to get information on my best friend, it’s not going to happen.”
“I wouldn’t mind knowing how she’s doing,” I admit.
“And there it is.” She lightly smacks the table.
“There what is?” I chuckle.
“There.” She gestures directly at me. “You did just ask me here to talk about Blakely.”
“I didn’t.” I shake my head. “Believe it or not, you’ve rather grown on me.” I smile. “But I am worried about her.”
“I know you are.” She falls serious. “Would it help if I told you she’s doing well? Her injuries are healing nicely and she feels better every day.”
“I thought you weren’t going to tell me anything,” I tease.
“Well, what can I say? I guess you’ve grown on me too.” She rolls her eyes when my smile widens.
“Did she say when she’s going back to work?”
“Tomorrow, I think. Her mom’s been running the shop while she rests at home.”
“Yeah, I’ve stopped in and seen Leslie a couple times.”
“Hoping B would be there no doubt?”
“Maybe a little,” I admit, shrugging.
I play it off like it’s all fun, but in reality I’ve been so worried about Blakely that I’ve barely been able to do anything else. My appetite is nowhere to be found. I can’t sleep for shit. And doing anything to try to keep myself busy ends up being a complete waste of time. I need to see her.
“So what’s your plan? Buy the bar and grill and then what?”
“I haven’t really thought about it beyond that,” I admit truthfully.
“The wedding is next weekend.”
“I’m aware.” I scribble my name on the last document, then return the stack of papers to their original order before sliding them back into the manila folder.
“I know you have a plan.”
“No plan.”
“So you’re just going to wait around and hope she picks you? That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I didn’t say I was just going to wait around. I simply said I didn’t have a plan. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person.”
“So you are going to do something then?”
“I’m sure as hell going to try.” I pause when she gives me a look. “I take it you don’t approve?”
“It’s not that. I just hope you’re prepared.”
“For what?”
“For her to choose Tyler.”
“Why are you so sure she will?”
“This is Blakely we’re talking about. The girl who can’t stand to hurt a fly. Do you really think she has it in her to break Tyler’s heart? Even if she wants you, she’d never do that to him. Deep down I think you already know that.”
“Which is why I have to convince her to put her own happiness first.”
“And if she still wants him?”
“Then I guess I’ll have to find a way to live with that.”
“And do you think you can do that?”
“Nope,” I answer honestly and we both chuckle.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She shakes her head, standing at the same time I do.
“I’m going to let Jason know these are done,” I say, the manila envelope in my hand. “Wanna go grab a bite to eat?”
“Sure.” She nods. “But you’re buying.”
——
I’ve just made it back to my hotel room after having dinner with Mary when my cell buzzes to life in my pocket. Dropping my keys and wallet on the small table next to the window, I dig my phone out of my back pocket. My adrenaline surges when I see Blakely’s name flashing across the screen.
“B.” I quickly answer.
“Hey.” Her voice is soft.
“Hey.”
“Are you at the motel?”
“Just got here.”
“I’ll be there in five.”
“Wait, what?” I blurt, surprised.
“I’m coming over. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Of course. I’ll be here.”
“Okay, see you in a few,” she says, ending the call before I can say anything else.
Nervous energy builds in my chest and I begin to pace the small room. I’m not sure if her coming here is a good or bad thing. She hasn’t been here since the night she had to clear me out of the bar. Hell, I was so drunk that night I didn’t even realize she was here until the next morning.
I silently curse myself.
I’ve made a hell of a mess out of things. First, by leaving. Then, by everything I’ve done since coming back. I try to act like I’ve got it all together, that Blakely coming back to me is inevitable, but the truth is that’s my way of dealing with the very real possibility that she won’t. And how could I expect her to? It was me that left. Me who ruined the only good thing I had left in my life.
Back then I thought I knew what I was doing. Now, it’s hard to justify all the reasons that seemed so logical to me at the time. Ultimately, I think I was scared.
I jump when a light knock sounds against the door. I swear I can’t get it open fast enough, but the moment I do, and her face comes into view, all the air leaves my body.
It’s only been five days and already I’d forgotten just how beautiful she is. Even with the yellowing bruises that pepper her face and her hair tied up in a messy bun. She doesn’t have a lick of makeup on and truthfully she doesn’t need it. She’s a natural beauty. Always has been, even when she was little.
Memories of us running around her backyard flood through my mind. How she used to wear her dark hair in pig tails that would blow in the wind when she would run. Back then I didn’t know how special she would become to me. Or maybe I did but I was too young to realize it at the time.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” She seems nervous, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
“Come in.” I step aside, opening the door wider so that she can pass through it. “How are you feeling?” I ask, closing the door behind us.
“I’m good. My leg is still pretty sore, but other than that I feel okay. I mean, this thing is a pain in the butt to shower with.” She holds up her casted arm. “But it’s not really painful anymore.”
“That’s good.”
“What about you? Are you okay?” She slides down into the chair in the corner of the room, twisting her keys nervously in her hand.
“Yeah, I think so. I haven’t really been sleeping all that well.”
“Nightmares?” she guesses.
“Something like that.” I shrug.
I guess nightmares are one way to describe it. I’d refer to them more as bad dreams. There’s one I’ve had every night since the accident. Blakely’s trapped in the car, only this time there’s no one around to help me get her out. With her trapped, the car bursts into flames and I’m forced to watch the fire engulf her.
I shake away the thought.
“I’m glad you came over. I’ve been calling you for days.”
“I didn’t have a phone until yesterday. Mine was lost in the accident.” She looks down at the keys in her hand.
“B, what’s going on? Are you okay? I mean really okay,” I ask, sensing something very off with her.
“I’m not really sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “We can’t be friends anymore, Asher. We can’t be anything anymore. It’s too much. It’s too hard. And it’s not fair to Tyler.”
“This isn’t the first time you’ve said this,” I remind her.
“I know, but I really mean it this time.” She gives me a sad smile, fighting to keep her emotions in check. “I’m marrying Tyler. I love him, Asher. He’s good for me in ways I can’t even explain. He cares for me. He makes me feel wanted and loved. He pulled me from a very dark place when no one else could.”
“He hangs the fucking moon. I get it,” I grumble, not wanting to hear another word about how great Tyler is or how much she loves him.
“I just...you and me, we’re like fire and gasoline. It’s only a matter of time before the flames burn beyond our control and I don’t want to be anywhere near that path of destruction. I can’t be.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to run.”
“You ran, Asher. I’m not running. I’m making a choice. I’m putting Tyler first the way I should have when you came back.”
“So what you’re saying is that if he supported our friendship we’d be okay, but because he doesn’t you’re cutting me out all together?”
“It’s not his decision. It’s mine.”
“This isn’t what you want, B. I can see it in your eyes. You’re scared.”
“So what if I am? People make decisions every day based on fear. Maybe being afraid is how I know something’s not right.”
“That’s a cop out and you know it.” I fight to keep my temper at bay.
“It’s nothing you haven’t done. Or do you think running away for six years wasn’t a cop out? You said you were afraid and you let that fear end us. How is that any different?”
“Because I wasn’t afraid to love you, B. I was afraid to lose you.”
“But you wouldn’t have lost me.” Tears fill her eyes and I can tell she’s fighting to keep it together. Hell, so am I.
“I wasn’t afraid of losing you in that way, B. I was afraid of watching you die one day.”
“Everyone dies, Asher.”
“I know that.” I run my hand through my hair, tugging at the ends.
“And yet it didn’t stop you from leaving.”
“I planned to come back. I thought the feeling would fade once I had some distance.”
“But you didn’t come back.”
“I wanted to. Every single day I wanted to.”
“But you didn’t,” she repeats.
“I couldn’t. Not until I was ready.”
“Ready for what?” She swipes angrily at a tear that skates down her cheek.
“Ready for this.” I gesture between the two of us. “I was so lost for so long, Blakely, and it had nothing to do with you. If anything I thought I was sparing you.”
“Sparing me? What does that even mean, Asher?”
“I was just so mixed up. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But you did hurt me. Can’t you see that? A part of me died the day you left, and little pieces of me kept dying with every day that passed where you didn’t call or write. Where you didn’t come home. Who does that to someone? A coward, that’s who.” She points her finger at me. “You weren’t here to see the destruction you left behind. You weren’t here when I needed you the most. You were off doing god knows what with god knows who. And here I was, mourning not only the loss of you, but the loss of your dad as well. A man who had been like a second father to me for nearly my entire life. Nothing felt right. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. Every corner I turned felt like I was going in the wrong direction. Every step I took seemed to take me two steps backward. I was stumbling through the dark. The longer you were gone the more lost I became. But then Tyler found me. He opened my eyes and brought me back into the light. He brought me back to life, Asher. And where were you?”
“Not here.”
“Not here.” She shakes her head as another tear falls.
“I’m sorry, B. I don’t know what else I can say except I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to call. God, I picked up the phone so many times, but I couldn’t do it. I knew the second I heard your voice I’d come running back and I wasn’t ready. I tried to write too. I can’t tell you how many times I sat down and tried. I’d read the letter you wrote me, the one you slipped into my bag before I left. I’d read it and miss you so badly that sometimes I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But when I put the pen to paper, nothing would come. I couldn’t find the words.”
“My letter?” she questions.
“I still have it,” I admit, heading for my wallet on the table. I dig inside for the wilted piece of paper that’s folded into a small square. Tossing my wallet onto the bed, I pull the paper out and slowly begin to unfold it.
Asher,
I’m writing this letter because...Well, honestly I’m not really sure why I’m writing it. I haven’t written a letter in years. At least not one that meant anything. By the time you read this you will be on the train, headed for California. I’m not sure what you’ll find there, but I hope whatever it is, it’s what you’re looking for.
I know this last year has been hard. Impossible even. And I’ve seen the toll it’s taken on you. But I want you to know that you’re not alone. No matter how alone you may feel right now, I’m always with you, holding your hand, telling you that everything will be okay. Because it will be, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
I wish I could be stronger for you. I wish I could smile and wave and wish you safe travels, but the truth is I’m not strong enough to do that. So while I’m sure I was crying as you boarded your train, know that I’m okay. Know that I love you, and even though I’m going to miss you like crazy, I understand why you need to do this.
Just know that I will miss you every single second of every single day until you come home. You are my world, Asher Evans. My life. My love. The very air I breathe. You are the one thing that makes me whole.
So take your trip. See the world. Do all the things your father never got to do. Just know that when you come home, I’ll be right here waiting for you. Always.
All my love,
B
“I can’t believe you kept it,” she replies after I’ve read the letter out loud, some of it on memory alone as many of the words are smudged and faded.
“Of course I did. It was the one thing that kept me going when I wasn’t sure I wanted to.” I set the letter gently on the bed beside me. “I’ll be right here waiting for you. Always,” I repeat the last line of the letter.
“I thought you were going to be gone a few weeks, maybe a few months, when I wrote that. I had no idea you would be gone for six years.”
“You said always, B.”
“I’m not the same girl I was six years ago.”
“And I’m not the same person I was six years ago either. I know now that I was just scared. I was scared and I justified my actions by convincing myself I was sparing you. In truth, I was just sparing myself. But I’m done lying to myself. I’m done running. I’m never going to hurt you like that again.”
“No, you won’t.” She pushes to a stand. “Because you won’t have the chance to.”
I can tell that I’ve gotten to her. I can see the break in her resolve. And I’m not going to let what may be my one final shot slip away.
“You don’t love him, B. Not the way you love me.” I stand, cutting off her path to the door.
“You don’t know how I feel.”
“But I do. I know you, Blakely. I can see it when you look at me. You want this as badly as I do. The way you felt about me before I left. Those feelings didn’t just go away. My feelings for you have only grown stronger. I didn’t think it was possible, but the instant I saw you sitting on that float I knew. And I knew it because my heart started beating again for the first time since the day I left.” I take her uninjured hand and press it to my chest where my heart is pounding rapidly against my ribs. “This belongs to you,” I tell her, pleading with her to listen, to believe me.
“No, it doesn’t.” Her tears fall in quick succession, but she doesn’t attempt to wipe them away.
“Don’t marry him,” I beg, desperation clear in my tone. “Don’t marry him, B. Choose me. Choose us.”
“I can’t,” she cries, attempting to look away.
I slide my hand into the back of her hair and force her face upward, stepping toward her. I’m so close I can smell the hint of vanilla from her shampoo. It’s the same shampoo she’s always used and the smell reminds me of home. Because she is my home. She always has been.
“Asher.”
“Choose me.”
“Don’t,” she whispers.
“Love me. Love me like you won’t let go, B.”
“You promised you wouldn’t,” she warns when my face dips dangerously low to hers.
“Then ask me. Ask me to kiss you.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Ask me.” I lean in, brushing my nose against hers.
“Please.”
“Please what?” I whisper, not sure if she’s pleading with me to stop or pleading for me to kiss her. “Please what, B.” I slide my other hand around her waist and pull her body flush with mine. “All you have to do is ask.” I angle my mouth directly over hers. “Say it.”
“Kiss me.”
And so I do...
