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Blakely
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I don’t know why I asked him to kiss me. I don’t know what possessed me to utter those words. Maybe it was being so close to him, my senses overwhelmed by his scent and his touch. Or maybe it was the letter and everything he said. Maybe I just got swept up in the moment. Maybe...
Or maybe I asked him to kiss me because I wanted him to.
Asher’s lips feel like heaven against mine. Like they always did. It’s effortless and perfect and all the things you expect to feel when kissing someone you love. Because I do love Asher. I love him so much I can feel it everywhere. The pull, the need, the voice in the back of my head telling me everything I’ve known all along but haven’t wanted to face.
I cling to him like my life depends on it. My hand slides into his hair, my fingers gripping the thick strands as I hold him impossibly close, afraid that the moment I let go this will have all been a dream.
“Wait.” Asher abruptly breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead against mine. “Wait,” he repeats breathlessly. “We can’t do this.” He pulls back, dropping his grip on me.
I stand stunned, not sure what to say or what even happened. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the kiss to process anything else.
“I want you, Blakely. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. But I can’t do this. Not until you tell me that you and Tyler are over.”
“Since when do you care about Tyler?” I snap, the sting of his rejection hitting me like a tidal wave.
“I don’t. But I care about you. And I know you. You’ll never be able to forgive yourself if you do something you can’t take back.”
“I thought this was what you wanted.” I try to fight against the well of tears building behind my eyes.
“It is. God, it is. But we can’t.”
My mind races as the reality of my situation starts to creep back in.
“Oh god.” I lift my hand to my mouth, sliding my fingers across my lips that are still wet from Asher’s kiss. “Oh god.” I push past Asher with so much force he has no choice but to let me pass.
“Blakely!” He turns after me, managing to cut me off right as I reach the door.
“Let me out of here,” I sob, panic creeping into my chest. My lungs constrict and I find it hard to pull in a real breath.
“Stop.” He grabs me by the shoulders when I try to make a move for the door knob.
“Let me go, Asher!” I scream, shaking off his grip. “I need to leave.”
“Not until you calm down and talk to me.”
“Talk to you?” My voice shrieks. “I tried talking to you and look where it got me. I can’t believe you kissed me.” I jab at his chest.
“You asked me to,” he reminds me, as if I need the reminder.
“I need to leave, Asher.”
“B, talk to me. It’s me. Just tell me what you’re feeling.”
“What I’m feeling?” I rear back, a desperate laugh ripping from my throat. “I’m feeling like I need to go home to my fiancé while I still have one to go home to.” My voice shakes. “You’ve taken so much from me. So many years of my life were wasted waiting for you. Why now?” I scream, shoving at his chest. “Why did you have to come back now? When I’m finally happy.” I shove harder. “Why did you have to come back and ruin everything?” I sob, hysterics starting to set in.
I don’t know how I let this happen. I don’t know how I let myself be drawn in by him. How I let him play me right into his hands. He knew what he was doing.
And yet he stopped you, the voice in my head reminds me which only makes it worse.
He stopped.
I asked him to kiss me. I wanted more. He was the one who stopped it. I’m the villain here. Not Asher. Yet he’s the only one I want to blame. Because blaming myself means admitting something I’ve been denying for a very long time...
“I never meant to make things harder for you. I just want to love you.”
“Well you had your chance and you threw it away. I don’t want you, Asher. I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again. I want you out of my life. Forever this time.” I shove past him with so much force I nearly lose my footing and this time he makes no attempt to stop me.
I rip open the door and stumble onto the sidewalk, tears blurring my vision as I frantically try to locate my car, which takes me longer to find than it should considering it’s parked just feet from the door.
I quickly duck inside and jam the keys into the ignition. It’s only seconds before I’m squealing out of the parking lot, leaving my heart somewhere on the floor of Asher’s hotel room.
——
“It’s perfect.” Allie claps her hands together, stepping up behind me to slide my veil into place.
I came in today to pick up my dress, and while the last thing I wanted to do was put it on, the seamstress insisted I do before I leave with it. Just in case.
Now, as I stand in front of the floor length mirror, looking at myself in this beautiful white gown, all I can do is focus on not vomiting, because that’s exactly what I feel like I want to do.
“You look so beautiful,” Allie continues, stopping directly in front of me when she catches sight of my expression.
I haven’t told my friends about what happened with Asher two days ago. I haven’t told anyone. And it’s been eating me from the inside out like a ball of acid wedged in my gut.
“B?” she questions, lifting my veil from over my face.
I instantly burst into tears with absolutely no warning. We’re talking huge crocodile tears that stream down my face so quickly it’s only seconds before they’re spattering onto the front of my wedding gown.
“Blakely, what is it?” Allie’s hands land on my shoulders as the sobs rack my body.
“I can’t do this.” I cry harder when she pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tightly.
“Can’t do what?” she asks, rubbing a comforting hand across my back.
“Any of it. I just can’t.” I drop my face into the crook of her neck and cry like I haven’t cried in years.
Allie doesn’t press for more. She simply holds me, right in the middle of the dress shop as I cry it out.
It takes me longer than I would like to pull myself together enough to untangle from Allie’s embrace. Once I do, I’m sure I look a lot worse for wear. I wipe my cheeks with my good hand, taking a deep breath as I struggle to compose myself.
“I’m sorry,” I blubber. “I don’t know what got into me.” I turn, heading for the row of chairs that line the back wall of the dressing area.
Allie follows, taking the seat next to me as I sit.
“I think it’s a combination of everything. The accident. All the last minute wedding stuff. I think I’m just overwhelmed.” I sigh.
“Would it help if I told you that it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed the week of your wedding?” She offers me a reassuring smile.
“Not really.” I laugh, more tears streaking down my face.
“Are you sure that’s all it is though?” she asks, reaching over to take my hand in hers. “Because you know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I know.” I sniff.
“I know I’m not always the most consistent friend but I’m here now.”
“You’re a great friend,” I tell her. “You have your own life to worry about. You can’t be worrying about mine all the time. But I’ve been an awful friend to you. I’ve been so out of sorts that I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing since you and Dean split,” I say, realizing we’ve barely spoken about it since it happened last week.
To be fair, it was the day of the accident and things were pretty crazy for a few days, but that’s still no excuse.
“I’m fine. Better than fine actually. I mean, I really liked him. Okay, more than liked him,” she admits when I give her a look that tells her I know better. “But I think it was for the best. He clearly wasn’t over his ex-girlfriend, no matter how much he insisted he was. And I’m not the type of girl that does well playing second fiddle.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“I know. And I’m okay with it. Really, I am. My guy will come along one day. And when he does, I’ll be ready.” She grins, squeezing my hand one more time before releasing it. “Now tell me what’s really going on with you.”
“Nothing.” I answer too quickly.
“Blakely Harris, I’ve known you since the seventh grade. If you think I can’t tell when you’re lying then you are sorely mistaken.”
“It’s just wedding jitters. I didn’t think I’d be so anxious leading up to the big day,” I lie.
“You sure about that?” She cocks a brow.
“I am.”
“And Asher has nothing to do with the meltdown you just had?”
“I told you, Asher and I have decided to go our separate ways. It’s best for everyone involved.”
“Just because you think it’s best for everyone involved doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. That couldn’t have been easy, telling him goodbye.”
“No, it wasn’t.” My mind flashes back to the kiss – the one that has haunted me since the moment it happened. The one that I can’t stop thinking about. “But I’m okay. More than okay. I’m getting married.” I force a smile even though doing so makes me feel like I’m dying a little on the inside.
“I know I’ve jumped the fence a few times on this topic. Hell, I think I’ve been more up and down than you have over the whole Asher thing. But I have to ask... Are you sure this is what you want? To marry Tyler. Are you really sure?”
“I am.” I try my best to sound confident.
The truth is, I do want to marry Tyler. I know what an amazing man he is and I have no doubt that he will be an equally amazing husband. But try as I may, I can’t get my heart there. It’s like the moment Asher kissed me he pushed out all traces of anyone else.
I’m sure this is just the effects of saying goodbye. Letting go always feels impossible, but sometimes necessary. And in this case it definitely was.
A part of me will always love Asher. But it’s time I start looking ahead instead of behind.
“Okay then.” Allie accepts my response, though I can tell by her eyes that she doesn’t fully buy it. “What do you say we get you out of this dress and get the hell out of here? Mary’s meeting us at Divante’s at six. I don’t know about you, but a good, stiff drink sounds pretty damn perfect right about now.”
“That it does,” I agree, feeling like maybe an evening out with the girls is exactly what I need to snap me out of my funk.
Tyler and I chose not to have Bachelor/Bachelorette parties, but Mary and Allison were not hearing it. We compromised with a low key girls’ night out. Just the three of us.
“Come on, bride to be, let’s go get you drunk.” She stands, smiling as she pulls me to my feet.
