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Asher
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My feet can’t move fast enough. Each step I take feels weighted, like I’m carrying heavy boulders around both of my legs.
I run toward the church, not sure what I’m going to find when I make it inside.
I’ve run the scenario through my head countless times on the way here. What I’ll say. What I’ll do. How B will react to seeing me on her wedding day. And for every scenario I played out in my head, even the ones where she’s so furious she can’t even look at me, not one involved me walking away without her at the end of it. It’s a thought I can’t entertain at this point.
After Allison’s little impromptu pep talk, for a lack of a better word, I got good and drunk and then I did something I haven’t done in years. I went back to my hotel room and cried.
I don’t remember much beyond that, but when I woke this morning everything came back into focus and Allison’s words from the night before hit me like a blast of cold water to the face.
She was right. I have to fight, otherwise I’ll never be able to live with myself. It doesn’t matter what Blakely said or how hard she’s pushed me away up to this point. I know she loves me. I know the person she wants to be with is me. I can feel it in my bones.
And if she does turn me away, if Tyler is who she truly wants to be with, then at least I’ll know I did everything that I could.
It’s no longer about pride. What the hell does pride matter if in the end I still lose the girl? I’ll make a complete fool out of myself a million times over if it means B will be back with me where she belongs in the end.
I burst into the church so forcefully that the door hits the stopper loudly, the wood vibrating against the impact. I barely register the sound as my eyes sweep the empty church.
I glance down at my watch and then back up, my heart hitting my ribs so hard every beat is like a punch to my chest.
Where is everyone?
Where is she?
Panic doesn’t creep in, it hits me all at once, my entire body feeling the effects.
Am I too late?
Did I miss it?
I look to my left down a vacant hallway and then to my right, spotting someone at the far end of the hall. Jogging in that direction, I come to an abrupt halt when a door a few feet ahead of me swings open and Mary steps out, two large bags draped over her arm. Her eyes widen the instant she sees me.
“Asher,” she says, her voice too high.
“Did I miss it?” I ask, not trying to hide the panic in my voice. “The wedding. Did I miss it?” I repeat when she doesn’t answer me right away.
“There was no wedding.”
“What do you mean there was no wedding?” I try to reel myself in and not get too excited, but I can’t control the surge of relief that has already started to filter in.
“Blakely couldn’t go through with it. She took off right before she was supposed to walk down the aisle.”
“She didn’t go through with it,” I repeat, running both of my hands through my hair as I try to process the information. “She didn’t go through with it,” I say again, this time more to myself as if I still can’t believe what I’m hearing.
“I had to come back here and get her clothes and stuff.” Mary gestures to the bags in her arms. “She left in such a hurry. She left everything behind.”
“Where is she now?” I ask, only half listening at this point.
“I don’t know. I thought she’d be with you.”
“How long ago did she leave?”
“Twenty minutes ago, maybe.” She shrugs.
“Thank you, Mary,” I say, already backing away.
“Asher,” she calls after me just as I’ve turned and started back up the hallway.
“Yeah?” I strain out impatiently, turning back toward her.
“Don’t screw it up this time.” She smiles.
“I won’t.” I wink, breaking into a run seconds later.
——
When I left the church I headed back to the hotel, thinking, or rather hoping, that Blakely would be there waiting for me when I got there. She wasn’t.
I tried calling several times, but every single time it went straight to voicemail without even ringing.
Not knowing where else to look, I headed to her parents’ house. As soon as I pulled into the driveway I spotted Blakely in the backyard, swinging on the old tree swing her dad hung there when we were kids, her wedding dress dragging along the ground beneath her.
I’ve been standing at a short distance away, watching her for the last couple of minutes, thinking about all the times I found Blakely in this exact spot over the years. She used to say she did some of her best thinking on that swing. I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking about at this very moment. Whatever it is she seems lost to it, giving no indication that she senses my presence as I quietly approach.
“Need a push?” I watch her bare shoulders stiffen at the sound of my voice but she makes no attempt to turn around.
Grabbing the old, worn ropes on either side of her, I pull back and without a word propel her forward. She swings out and then comes gliding back in my direction. When she reaches me, I press my hands to the middle of her back and give her another light push, keeping her moving without swinging her more than a few short feet.
“You always did love this swing,” I reminisce as I continue to gently push her, the way I have countless times before.
She doesn’t speak, doesn’t turn to look at me even once. Instead, she keeps her face forward and her feet pointed out slightly so they don’t drag the ground as I guide her back and forth.
“I couldn’t do it.” She finally breaks the silence after what feels like several minutes have passed. “I wanted to. I wanted to walk down that aisle. I wanted to get married. But I just couldn’t do it.” Her voice shakes as she speaks.
“Maybe you couldn’t do it because deep down you knew he wasn’t who you wanted.”
“But I wanted it to be him,” she croaks, so much emotion in her voice it’s a wonder she’s even able to speak at all.
When she swings back toward me, I grab both the ropes, pulling the swing to an abrupt stop. Pressing my cheek to the side of her head, I breathe in the sweet scent of her hair while I think carefully about the next words to leave my mouth.
“I know I don’t deserve it, B. I know I don’t deserve your love a second time. But I’m hoping you’ll decide to give it to me anyway,” I tell her, fighting against the sting of emotion at the back of my throat.
“I can’t,” she whispers and my heart feels like it drops into my stomach.
“B,” I plead, quickly stepping around before dropping to my knees in front of her.
She looks up, her tear filled gaze finally meeting mine. She looks so beautiful. Even with puffy eyes and makeup streaking down her face, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I ignore the fact that she’s wearing a dress she purchased to marry another man and focus on how breathtaking she looks in it.
Her dark hair is pulled back at the sides, the rest left down in large curls that fall around her shoulders. Her lips are lined in a deep red color that reminds me of the lipstick she always used to wear whenever she had an excuse to get all dressed up. I’m fairly certain I still have a white button down that wears the effects of that lipstick somewhere in storage. The thought brings a hint of a smile to my lips.
“You look beautiful,” I tell her, reaching up to wipe away the small black streaks of mascara from under her eyes.
“I’m a mess,” she sobs, fresh tears spilling over.
“Well that too,” I agree with a grin, trying to lighten the mood. After a long pause, I add, “But you’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.”
I slide my hand down the side of her face before slowly trailing the pad of my thumb along her bottom lip, having to fight the urge to lean in and kiss her.
“I always loved this color on you,” I tell her.
“Asher.”
“I love you, Blakely,” I admit, not able to hold it in for a second longer. “I love you so much.”
“I can’t do this with you,” she interrupts, pulling away from my touch.
“You didn’t marry him,” I remind her, knowing that couldn’t have been for nothing.
“I didn’t.” She shakes her head slowly from side to side, avoiding my gaze as she stares down at her casted arm. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not just as confused as I was yesterday, or last week, or even last month for that matter. I can’t just walk away from two years with Tyler and move on like it never happened. I didn’t leave him for you. I left him because you coming back made me see that even though I loved him, I didn’t love him the way I needed to.”
“You left him because you love me, B. You know you do.” I guide her face upward by gently placing my finger under her chin and lifting.
She holds my gaze for a long moment, so many questions swimming behind her eyes. Questions I wish I had the answers to. Words I wish I could say to make her see how much she means to me.
“I do love you,” she finally confesses. “I never stopped loving you. But loving you doesn’t make the pain of losing him disappear. Don’t you see that? I destroyed him, Asher. How could I do that to him?” Her chin quivers as a new onslaught of tears stream from her eyes.
“Sometimes hurting people is necessary to go after what you really want.”
“I guess you would know,” she bites, apology softening her features the instant she says it.
“You’re right. I do know,” I agree, knowing I deserve far worse than to have that pointed out. “I know how badly I hurt you, and how impossible it felt doing it. And I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting that I did that to you, but I wouldn’t change it,” I say, not missing the way her brows draw together like she can’t believe I said that. “I wouldn’t change it because at the time it’s what I needed. It’s easy for me to say I would take it all back if I could because it kills me to know what I put you through, but at the end of the day, I would have hurt you far worse had I stayed. So no, I wouldn’t change it. Maybe how I did it, but not that I did it. I had to leave, B. I had to. But I’m back now and I swear to you that I will never, ever leave you again. Do you hear me?” I reach up, cupping her face in my hands. “You are everything to me. It took living without you to know that I never want to do it again. Give me a chance. Let me love you. Let me love you like I won’t let go. Because this time I swear to you, I never will.”
“I want to.” She reaches up and wraps her hand around my wrist. “I want to let you, Asher, but I can’t. Not yet. Please. If you love me like you say you do, give me some time to figure all this out. I gave you six years,” she says, pulling my hand from her face. “The least you can do is give me a few days.”
“I’ll give you whatever you need.” I pull my other hand away. “But not until I’ve had a chance to say everything I need to say.” I pause, gauging her reaction.
I wait until she nods before continuing.
“No one has ever understood me like you do. One look and it’s like you know exactly what I’m thinking. I could never hide from you. And that’s one of the reasons why I left. I didn’t want you to see how broken I was. How weak. I wanted to be the strong one, the one you knew would always be there to carry you when you couldn’t find the strength to walk. The one who pushed you when you lacked confidence. The one who held your hand when you were afraid. But after I lost my dad...” I stop talking, taking a deep breath. “After I lost my dad I couldn’t be any of those things for you. And I worried that I never would be able to again. Any attempt to do so would’ve been me faking it and I knew you’d see right through it. I’d rather you hate me for leaving than not love me for being the man you thought I was.”
“Asher.” She reaches out, pushing my hair back away from my face. “I wish you would have talked to me, told me how you were feeling instead of pushing me away. It was my turn to be strong for you because that’s what you do for the people you love. Nothing you would have done would have made me love you any less.”
“I see that now.” I take her hand, turning it upward before pressing a kiss to her palm. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it then.”
“I forgive you,” she whispers. “But I’m not ready to forget. I need time, Asher. Time to figure out how I feel. Time to figure out what I want. And I need you to give me that time.”
“I can do that,” I say, making no attempt to move.
“Please leave, Asher,” she says, pulling her hand out of my grasp.
“Okay.” I push to a stand, hovering over her. “But when you’re ready, you know where to find me.” I lean down to press a light kiss to the top of her head. “I love you,” I whisper, before forcing my feet to walk away when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and never leave her.
