Jon and Sara were seated at the head of the massive dining table. I was next to Tiramisu, and across from me were the King and Queen of diamonds, Jim and Sandy McBride, from Jon’s firm. I frantically searched for Karen. This was one, goddamn, long table. I looked up and down the table, person by person. After a few minutes, I located her at the total opposite end of the table. She was fifteen couples away from me, sitting next to some good-looking guy I had never seen before. Where the hell do Jon and Sara meet these people?
“I love nice dinners,” Tiramisu whispered in my ear. She put her hand on my leg.
“That’s nice,” I told her, removing the hand.
“I’m so happy that we get to sit together,” she told me.
Sure, you, me and the mole make three. She better not touch me again.
The servers, bedecked in snow-white, brought out the first course, lobster bisque. When everyone was served, Jon stood up to make a toast. I don’t know how we were all supposed to hear him. I felt like the other end of the table was miles away. I looked over at Karen, hoping she would see me. But she was staring at Jon.
“I’m so very happy that all of our friends were able to join us tonight to usher in the start of a wonderful new year. This past year has been wonderful for myself, and Sara, and our growing family of Zac, and our newest addition, Edith. We are truly blessed. We want to wish each and every one of you the best in the coming year. Happy New Year! Cheers!”
Glasses chimed and everyone shouted, “Hear, hear!” We all returned to our bisque.
“That was so nice. I love Jon and Sara,” Tiramisu said, getting sentimental.
“Oh, I love them too,” I said, but not so much at this very moment. I wasn’t going to let this night degenerate into any kind of long, drawn out, exclusive conversation between Tiramisu and myself. I had to bring the unsuspecting Jim and Sandy McBride into the picture.
Jim was about 45, but looked about 60. He had grey hair, wrinkles galore, wore glasses, and had on expensive, though ill-fitting clothes. Jim, we have tailors to fit your blazer, pal. To top it off, he was as stiff as a board. Sandy, on the other hand, was hot. She was dressed to kill, adorned in diamonds, and was quite possibly 50, but looked like a sophisticated 40. That made her a few years older than Jim - way to go, Jimbo! I did a quick scan for the reconstructed nose, but I think hers was genuine. She was the epitome of a WASP. And to be honest, I was really digging it. She was the socialite daughter of an ex-curator of the Art Museum, so she possessed this very dignified air. Quite the opposite of the thing I was sitting next to.
“So, Jim, how’s life at the old firm?” I asked, sipping on the bisque.
“Well, I tell you, Dave . . . it is Dave, right?” Jim started to answer.
“Actually it’s David, Jim. I don’t go by Dave,” I informed him.
“And I’m Nicole,” Nicole said, jumping in uninvited.
“So, you and Dave are . . . ” Jim started.
“David,” I interrupted.
“. . . Going steady?” Jim asked.
Who goes steady? Ummm, heads up there, Jimbo, this isn’t 1955. Amazing. Jim not only looked 60, he acted 60.
“We met at a sock hop. Nicole was in a real nifty poodle skirt,” I answered.
Sandy laughed.
Nicole looked at me like I had ten heads. Then she looked over the folks at our end of the table and announced: “No, we didn’t, silly. We met on a blind date. It was so romantic. Can you believe this will only be our second date?”
“I still can’t,” I threw in, perhaps a little too forcefully.
I knew one thing thing for sure this will certainly be the last.
“Isn’t he funny? That’s what I love most about him,” Nicole was droning on.
“He’s cute, too,” Sandy said in a sultry voice, winking at me.
Did Jim see the wink? God, I hope not.
“I know, so cute,” Nicole added.
She then started babbling on about how it was destiny that brought us together, when, actually, it was just Sara making a really bad mistake. As Nicole continued to talk, I felt someone’s foot rubbing up and down against my leg. I looked up and saw Sandy intently listening to Nicole. Was I crazy? Maybe someone was wiggling their leg around and accidentally brushed it up against mine. That was definitely it. But this person didn’t have a shoe on, and that puzzled me a bit. I pretended that I didn’t feel anything, and listened to Nicole babble incomprehensibly.
“So, when I was watching this dating show the other night, I couldn’t believe my eyes -”
Why did I bother? What a twit. I can’t even listen to this girl when I’m trying to avoid a very awkward situation. I thought a sip of wine would calm me down. Perhaps the four G&T’s had me a bit edgy. I took a sip of the wine when I felt someone’s foot smack dab in the middle of my crotch. I nearly jumped out of my seat, and I spilled some wine on my pants. Sandy looked at me and smirked. Holy Fuck! It was Sandy!
“Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom for a moment,” I said.
In the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. What the hell was going on here? I was standing there, considering these absurd circumstances, when Sandy busted in. Suddenly, things got more absurd when she pushed me up against the sink and started to make out with me.
“You are adorable,” she said, in between tongue thrashes. “Jim is such a bore. He acts like an old man. I love it that you just made fun of him to his face.”
“Sandy! You’re married,” I couldn’t do this. “I can’t do this, especially not in the bathroom! Didn’t Jim and Nicole wonder where you were going? I just got up one minute ago?”
“Jim is entertaining your young lady friend with some stories about Jon at the firm. Don’t talk. Let’s just neck.”
Neck? What was with this couple? Those two were meant for each other.
“Sandy, I can’t do this.”
“Why? You don’t want to break little Miss Annoying’s heart?”
Hmm, maybe Sandy and I had something in common. “Actually, I can’t stand her,” I said.
“Then let’s make love, right here, right now. Give it to me,” she was stripping.
When she took her bra off, I couldn’t help myself. She had nice, firm, big tits. They’ve got to be fake. But who cares!
“Not bad for a 49 year-old, huh,” Sandy said, seducing me.
I didn’t want to degenerate any further this year, but, apparently, I was about to add ‘adulterer’ to my list of accomplishments. I helped Sandy out of the rest of her clothes, and, before I knew it, we’d had sex. Sex in the bathroom. Public sex. It was my first time having sex in a bathroom with a stranger at my friend’s house, and it was amazing. I got my pants back on and watched Sandy get dressed. She was lean and thin and had the body of a woman 20 years younger - if, like Sandy, she were in great shape. Her ass had just the right amount of umph, and those legs. Oh those legs, they went on forever. Sandy was right. She was pretty hot for a forty-nine year old.
“I’ll go back in first,” Sandy said to me.
I sat in the bathroom for another minute or so, and splashed some water on my pants to give the appearance that I had just removed the wine stain. Then I rejoined the party.
“Everything all right, Dave?” Jim asked upon my return.
“Fantastic, Jimbo.” I paused for a second - was he suspicious? - then added, “Got the wine stain out.”
“I missed you,” Nicole said to me. “I told the waiter you were done with your bisque, I figured you didn’t want it anymore.”
I still wanted the bisque. I looked at Sandy, who was freaking me out with her goo-goo eyes, and then said to Nicole, “Whatever.” I looked over at Sandy calmly talking to Jim. I wonder if she’s done this before.
The rest of dinner was a bore. Jim told us about Jon at the office. Nicole talked about television, and I was just too drunk and spent to carry on any kind of conversation. What the hell just happened? Did I really just have sex in the bathroom? How fucking degenerate is that? Not just sex in a bathroom, but sex with some lady that I don’t even know at my best friend’s house. In fact, it’s his boss’ wife. Shit! I’ve fucked things up big time and I’m pretty sure I can’t go back in time to correct it. Now, I have to sit here and have a celebratory dinner with these people. I can’t even look poor Jim in the face. Granted, I thought he was a douchebag, but fucking his wife in the bathroom is pretty low, even for me. He can never find out. And, what’s with Sandy? Who does that? Cheating on your husband is wrong, but cheating on your husband at a party - that he’s at - in a bathroom is despicable. Even I know that! And why the hell was she making eyes at me. That’s pretty fucked up.
And what the fuck was I thinking? I like that girl Karen. Why was I trying to blow that before it even started? There’s something very wrong with me. I was never going to see Sandy again. That much I knew. Sandy was married and sitting right across from me with her husband. Karen wasn’t married. Hell, Karen could be my future. So, every now and then, in the middle of one of Jim’s stories, I would peek down to the end of the table to see Karen. She was always laughing and smiling. Once, during dinner, she caught my stare, and smiled back. I had to talk to her again.
With about a half hour to go before midnight, dinner was finally wrapping up, and we were all heading to the various sitting areas. I was trying to find Karen, as I made my way over to the bar area, leaving Tiramisu lingering somewhere by herself. Dan, Peter, and Matt cornered me at the bar.
“Michaels, over here,” Matt called me.
“Hey, I’m trying to find this girl -”
“Why does Sara seat us at opposite ends of the table every year?” Matt asked. “It gets so annoying.”
“I think she wants to torture us for being friends with her husband,” Dan said.
“I was next to some freak that Sara knows from Kiddie Gym. The woman wasn’t that bad, but the husband kept picking his nose the whole time, and wouldn’t shut up about how the kid can do a somersault. Who gives a shit, pal?” Matt looked like he had gone through a war.
“Well, I was next to this guy that Jon knows from Kiddy Music class. It turns out the guy is gay, and has a kid with his partner, but the partner is away on business, so he brought his sister here. She was fucking hot,” Dan said.
“Was her name Karen?” I asked.
“Yeah, I think so. I didn’t really talk to her, she was talking to some other freaks that Jon knows.”
“Dude, I was talking to her earlier. That’s the girl I’m looking for! She is amazing. Where is she?” I asked in a panic.
“She said she was leaving after dinner. She had to go to some other party,” Dan didn’t even realize the news would crush me.
“Shit. Shit. Shit!”
Midnight was quickly approaching and I had stayed in one place too long. Nicole had located me, and the rest of the wives had found their way back to their men as well. I took a second to look around at the crowd, everyone with their wives content in their suburban world. I had just committed adultery, fell in love with a woman who left before I could get her number, and was about to kiss a woman with hair growing out of her mole. The coming year had to be better.