This was not what I wanted to see. As the wand blurred in front of me, I tried to backpedal out of the memory I’d just been thrown into. After seeing a few precious moments in the child version of Sammy’s eyes, I was beginning to really enjoy spending time in her shoes. Seeing how she’d jump to defend me at school, telling the kids who teased to bug off, I couldn’t deny Sammy’s protective feelings toward me. Everything I’d thought I’d known about her was shifting. Her interest in studying all stemmed from understanding what was happening to us. She wanted to fix us, both of us. Make us one somehow.
In my mind, Mack’s hand brushed the hair back off my face, his fingers tickling my skin. I tried to hide the shiver that rolled through me, not because his touch repelled me, but because my entire body gravitated toward him. It felt natural. This is Sammy’s memory. Not mine. It felt weird, and now very wrong, to live in her shoes.
That didn’t matter to my heart, or the way my pulse pounded as he glanced at my lips. Mack understands me. He finds me fascinating… He’s one of the few who actually knows me. Not just Samantha.
Suddenly, I knew we’d never kissed before. The way his eyes darted uncertainly between mine. The way his hand shook while touching my face. In that moment, I wasn’t seeing Mack as he was then, but as the little boy who’d gone out of his way to talk to me, who’d stuck up for me on the playground, and who felt just as fiercely as I did that Samantha needed protecting.
When Mack finally leaned in, his lips pressing down on mine, I was not prepared for the fire that spread through my body. I wasn’t ready for the intense yearning I had for him. I saw myself wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him back, my back arching.
I bolted up. “I don’t want to do this anymore!” I exclaimed.
The wand stopped immediately. Tonbo peered over at me. “Everything alright? Are some of the childhood memories too painful?”
The last thing I’d told Tonbo aloud was when I was about ten years old, asking Mack if he’d ever dissected a frog before. Tonbo didn’t know where my mind had leapt to, and I wasn’t about to tell him. I’d known this might be a possibility when poking around in Sammy’s memories, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d feel what she had felt. I was beginning to see why Blake wasn’t in love with this idea. It connected me to Sammy, yes, but it also formed a deeper connection between Mack and me.
I didn’t want to make eye contact with Tonbo. The guilt felt like it was written all over my face. This was worse than simply knowing about Mack and Sammy. I had actually felt it.
And what I felt, Mack felt. And he remembers too.
“I’d rather not focus on the past anymore. I want to see what happened with Jocelyn,” I said, not really answering his question. I knew that was why we had been digging around in the past, trying to establish what Sammy and Jocelyn’s relationship had been. But all Sammy seemed fixated on was Mack. Every memory seemed to only show me how deeply Sammy had cared for both Mack and me.
As I realized how desperate she was to fix us, the cabin and all its charades didn’t seem so much like a horror film anymore. When the layers I’d built around my heart began to peel away, I felt a baseline of trust building in me. It was possible Sammy hadn’t been the bad guy. Maybe she’d just been misguided. Her intentions could have been altruistic after all.
Tonbo seemed to consider my words. Tilting his head to the side, he asked, “Want to give it one more try? I will try to guide you a bit more toward Jocelyn. How does that sound?”
After a moment’s hesitation, I nodded. We needed this to work. I knew when I got home I was going to confront my sister, but with how she’d been treating me lately, I doubted I’d get a warm welcome. Or that she’d tell me anything at all, for that matter.
I settled back down into the couch. Blinking several times, I readied myself to stare at the red blur before me. This time, I noticed I wasn’t dripping in sweat. That’s because all the memories Sammy are letting me see are happy ones so far. Truthfully, I had no idea if Sammy was even aware of what we were doing, and if she was, how much control she had over it. But some part of me felt like she decided what played out across my mind’s stage.
Tonbo’s words pulled me back into a relaxed state. As my body began to drift into the pleasant scenery he was describing, I settled down deeper into the couch.
“You are in your bedroom now,” he said, guiding me away from the cozy mountain scene he’d created to my real home. “You just got home from mountain biking, and your body is feeling heavy and relaxed. What do you want to do now, listen to music, read a book?”
“No music. I need…” I stopped, trying to figure out what it was I sought. “I need another book on biogenetics. Mack thought he had a copy somewhere at his house, but he can’t find it. He said he’d try to stop by the college today and grab me a few more textbooks.” Even as I said the words, a very small part of me was aware we’d tapped into another one of Sammy’s memories; the rest felt like I was actually living the moment. I felt anxious, desperate for the books Mack had promised me.
“Mm. Sounds interesting. What are you hoping to learn from this book?”
I hesitated to answer. My mind reeled on how to phrase it. Logically, I should just be guessing what Sammy would say. But being in the moment, being in her very shoes, it was like I knew her thoughts. I struggled within myself, unsure I wanted to tell Tonbo everything while at the same time, wondering why I felt like I’d betray Mack if I did. These are Sammy’s memories, not mine, I reminded myself.
I let the words just form on their own, even knowing in some part of my brain that Tonbo already knew. “I don’t know if you’d believe me, if I tell you.”
“Try me,” Tonbo replied.
“Okay. Mack’s a genetic anomaly. He’s part dragonfly.” As I said it, a new memory flashed through my mind of me kissing Mack. His hands holding me, our bodies so close. Feeling my face turn scarlet, my cheeks burning with embarrassment, I was about to tell Tonbo I was done for the day, when in my mind, Mack gasped and jumped, no more like flew, away from me.
Inside the memory, I gaped at Mack, who stood before me with two beautiful, orange-red wings.
Knowing I’d just seen when Sammy had first discovered Mack’s secret, I tried to focus on what I was telling Tonbo.
“It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen,” I said, once again falling into Sammy’s thoughts, my words sounding more like her words. “Mack can heal faster. He’s stronger. I keep telling him it might be able to fix Samantha and me, but he won’t change me.”
Anger bubbles up within me. “He told me who created the actual formula, but he won’t take me to meet him, either. His name is Alois, but he goes by Tonbo. Apparently, he has his own islands, off the coast of California somewhere.”
Somewhere in my mind, I hear Tonbo’s gasp, but I ignore it. I don’t want to lose what I’m seeing, feeling. I don’t want to shatter the connection.
“If Tonbo could just hear my story, I know he’d help me. He’d fix our broken pieces. He’d make it so Samantha wasn’t so introverted and depressed all the time.” Was that what Sammy thought? That I was depressed? “He’d help me not be so angry and frustrated. Samantha and I need to be one. That’s the only way we will both be truly happy.”
I almost pulled myself out of the delusion I was experiencing. Sammy’s statement hit me upside the head like a two by four. Is that true? One thing I did know was that Sammy believed it. Were Sammy and I like two halves of a soul that needed to be welded back together?
“Does Mack bring you the book you need?” Tonbo asked, breaking my line of thought. “Are you alone in your bedroom?”
I refocus on being in my room. I’ll think about all this later. I need to gather what I can from this memory.
“No, Mack hasn’t come yet. But someone is knocking on my door,” I said, hearing the knock in my mind. My heartbeat sped up as the memory played out before me. The door opened, and my sister walked in.
“It’s Jocelyn,” I told Tonbo. “She likes to come to talk when it’s… me.”
“What do you talk about?”
“Mainly, how mom drives us both crazy,” I said with a sigh. “That’s how Jocelyn always knows she’ll find me, and not Samantha. Mom’s usually in a tyrannical mood. Joc comes to vent out her frustrations.”
“Why does Jocelyn have a hard time with your mom?”
“Most of the time, she doesn’t, but lately, Mom’s been scheduling more and more modeling gigs for her. Wanting her to live the dream she didn’t get to because she had kids. I think the pressure to always look skinny and perfect is really getting to Jocelyn. I worry about her. She goes on too many crazy diets, if you ask me.”
“So is Jocelyn venting about your mom today?”
“No, actually, she’s not. She wants to tell me about her new boyfriend.”
In my mind, Jocelyn was smiling ear to ear. I knew I should tell Tonbo what I was seeing, but for the moment, I wanted it to just play out. Tonbo must have sensed this because he stayed quiet and didn’t pry.
------------------------
“Sammy,” Jocelyn said in a hushed tone. “He is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. It’s just been so crazy how it’s all worked out. I mean, I never would have thought in a million years I’d fall for him… because… well, he’s a bit younger than I am. And I don’t usually like guys younger than me. It’s weird, but I don’t think I even care anymore!” She giggled, throwing her hands up like she’d surrendered her heart to this guy. I noticed then that there was a book in one of her hands.
“How much younger are we talking?” I asked, a little alarmed to see my somewhat serious sister acting like a giddy schoolgirl.
“Just a few years,” she said offhandedly.
I suppressed the urge to call her a cougar. Somehow, I knew she wouldn’t appreciate the joke.
“He’s just so sweet. He makes me feel so special. Look,” she said, holding out the book. “He even gave me this. It’s his favorite copy, but he wanted me to have it. Said I’d understand him better if I did.”
I reached out for it, curious more than anything. The large tree on the cover niggled at my mind, reminding me of something. Reading the title, I asked, “Your boyfriend’s favorite book is Wuthering Heights?”
“He said he read it when he was younger, when he used to be pretty sick and lonely. It’s about a boy who is taken in by a man with a daughter and a son. But when the man dies, the son starts bullying him. Eventually, the boy leaves his home, even though he’s secretly in love with the girl. Anyway, years later, he gets his revenge as an accomplished and wealthy man.”
I stared at Jocelyn, wanting to tell her that her boyfriend sounds messed up, but I don’t. “I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy,” I said instead, handing her book back. “Does this young mystery guy have a name?” She hesitated, her smile faltering a bit. “Okay, if I tell you, promise you won’t freak out?”
Now I’m more than curious about who this guy was. “I won’t freak out. Unless it’s Mack.”
Jocelyn waved that off. “Of course it’s not Mack!”
“Then I don’t care who it is. Come on, just tell me.”
“Okay,” she said, her eyes meeting mine. “It’s Kory.”