“Why did you kiss me like that then?” His words were barely audible as he completely let me go.
“Because that was Sammy,” I answered, feeling ashamed of myself. Truthfully, deep down, I wondered where the line between Sammy and me ended. When it came to the Defenders, I could see clearly, but when it came to matters of the heart, it got a little messier. The line got fuzzy.
“So you’re Sam right now?”
“Honestly, I’m not really sure.” Deep within, I was me, but my actions, my words, my feelings, especially around Mack, felt like Sammy.
“Sam, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—”
His words faded at my touch. I’d reached out to comfort him before I knew what I was doing. Now my hand caressed his cheek, feeling the scruff he’d neglected.
“Mack, I’m the one who is sorry. I’ve caused you so much pain. You deserve to be happy, to be loved completely. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you that. It was selfish of me to think otherwise.”
“Sammy? That you talking now?”
“Yes,” I said, even though my insides squirmed with resistance. “I need you to know that I never lied about loving you. That kiss was real. I’ve missed you desperately. More than you’ll ever know. Sam feels it, my feelings for you, even though she tries to suppress them.”
I laughed; it sounded foreign to my own ears. “Funny, with all my formulas and serums, I still can’t figure out a way for us both to be happy. I thought if we were finally one, sharing this body, we’d feel complete. But how can it work when our hearts belong to two different people? Who’d have thought such a small organ could cause such a fuss?”
Mack didn’t answer; he only listened. Sammy was speaking freely, without restraint, and I could only listen too. Was this what it was like for her all those years? Was she a helpless bystander as I went about my daily life, only breaking free every once in a while?
Sammy was obviously the smarter of the two of us. She had been the one finding solutions, saving the day. What had I done? Nothing. Maybe it was time I let her lead. Maybe she could keep the army from hurting others and from being killed. Then Mack could be happy…
“Sammy, I need you to know something too.” Mack’s voice was thick, full of emotions. “I’ve always loved you. It’s like all logic and reason is thrown to the wind the minute I know you’re there. I can’t help myself. I want more than anything for us to be together, but I care for Sam, too. I can’t hurt her, or force myself on her, because you’re now in charge. If she’s still in there, I have to know.”
My heart squeezed painfully, and I wasn’t sure who was feeling it. Sammy loved Mack, that much I knew, but hearing Mack stand up for me, not wanting to hurt me, meant a lot to me too.
“She’s still here, just as she’s always been. Why is it different now? You’ve always known Samantha was inside of me when I took over.” The words just formed themselves.
“Because, if she can hear us, is aware of this now, there’s a big difference!”
“You don’t think I heard things too?” I snorted, while inside, I cringed. I’m getting how it felt now, Sammy. I was there but only observing, not participating in the conversation my own mouth was having.
“Not all the time, but when her guard was down, like when she slept,” I continued to say. “After changing us, though, it’s only became stronger. I thought, at first, it meant it had all worked. That we were going to finally be one person, but turns out, I was wrong.”
Sammy, can you hear me? I asked within myself. Sammy, please. We need to talk.
If she heard my thoughts, she chose to ignore me. “What do you think it’s been like for me, Mack? Sitting back, knowing what needs to be done, but barely having the time to do it! Well, I’m tired of taking a backseat; maybe it’s time Samantha takes a turn.”
Mack dropped his camo, and I gasped. He grabbed me by the arms and demanded, “I need to see you.”
Seeing how hard his jaw was set, Jaxon and Kalepe suddenly appeared as well, growling. All of us had stopped flying, which was bad. We needed to keep moving.
“It’s okay,” I immediately reassured them, scared what they might do to Mack. “Jaxon, keep leading the Defenders toward your caves.”
He frowned, obviously not liking leaving my side. “I’ll be fine. Kalepe can stay behind. We won’t be but a second behind you, I swear.”
Jaxon nodded and took off, the Defenders following after.
Only then did I drop my camo. Mack’s eyes widened, his hands still holding my forearms. My body felt smaller, shorter. One of Mack’s hands reached up and brushed the brunette hair back off my face. I was the girl I’d changed into when Jaxon had been trying to kill me. The girl Sammy had always wanted to be if she gained control.
Does this mean I’m lost forever? Trapped in a mind where no one can hear me?
Again, she didn’t answer my questions. Instead, I met Mack’s gaze and spoke with Sammy’s voice.
“Mack, I understand if you don’t want to stay with me and no one,” I shot Kalepe a look, “will hurt you if you leave now, but someone has to help these Defenders, show them how to live peacefully. If you still love me, and can accept me as I am, then come with me. Help me.”
Mack’s eyes darted between mine; I could tell he had a thousand questions he wanted to ask.
Finally, he sighed heavily. “I may be damning my own soul, heaven help me, but I can’t leave you, Sammy. I’ve never been able to tell you no.” He leaned down and kissed my lips softly, and even though the heated passion wasn’t there like before, I still loved the way his lips felt on mine.
Sam, Sammy called to me, piercing through my agony—guilt that I enjoyed Mack’s kiss and fear that I was forever lost.
Oh, so now you choose to acknowledge me, I thought bitterly.
I was a little busy before, in case you hadn’t noticed, Sammy replied.
Actually, I did. What’s happening to me? Why can’t I do the talking anymore? You’re doing everything. I feel like I’m trapped in here!
I’m sorry, Sam. Truly, I am. It seems fate has decided to have us trade places. I’d always hoped there’d be a way for us to… I don’t know… maybe meld into one person. But it seems you and I are like oil and water—we just don’t mix.
Mack and I had begun flying again, his hand holding mine tightly. Kalepe seemed eager to catch up with the rest by the speed he took off. Since I was lost in my own thoughts, literally, I pushed hard as well. The air slapping against my skin made me feel alive again. Like maybe I wasn’t just a shell of a person.
Do I have any choice? I asked. Are you forcing this on me?
What? No! I know what kind of hell this is. I wouldn’t wish that on you. Believe it or not, I really love you, Sam. I wanted you to be happy.
So this is just how it is now? You have the reins? I can’t control my own body anymore?
Silence greeted me. Honestly, I don’t know, Sam, she finally thought. We seem to still have a strong connection. I mean, we can read each other’s thoughts. That’s got to mean something, right? I swear, Sam, I’m not trying to snuff you out.
But that was exactly how I felt, as if I were slowly being suffocated. My chest felt heavy, like the air was too thick to enter my lungs properly. My vision blackened for half a second, the stars over the ocean disappearing.
Sam? Sammy’s voice sounded distant.
I opened my eyes, trying to focus. Sammy, just tell me. Can you do it?
Do what? Sammy asked, an edge of panic in her voice.
Keep the Defenders from taking over the world? You know, ending human life as we know it.
Yes, Sam. We can do it together.
Good, I thought, the darkness pressing down on me was too heavy to fight anymore. I closed my eyes again; it felt heavenly.
Sam? You there still? Sammy sounded so muffled.
I’m fine, I thought, unsure if she could even hear me. I’m just so tired. I think you’ve got this, Sammy. I just need some rest…
Sam? Sam, you there still?
The darkness won out finally as I drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.