I can’t believe I had to buy a dozen Holidayz HoHoHoles for this. All you had to do was say ‘Okay,’ ” said the man in front of Agent Umber.

Agent Umber pulled his Santa beard back up and readjusted his padded Santa stomach.

Santa wanted to be a good Santa. He really did. And he really did not want to get in any more trouble with his Dunker’s boss. Because trouble with his Dunker’s boss would only mean trouble with the chief. And Umber did not want more trouble.

This deep cover as Santa, in a doughnut shop, already combined two of Umber’s worst nightmares. (See the AAA’s Fried Santa Incident and Agent Sienna File.) He didn’t need to add any more.

So Santa Umber explained just a little bit about federal fighter-jet policy. Then he remembered to say the required Dunker’s Holiday Saying: “Ho, ho, ho. Dunker’s knows what dunkers love.”

Another kid climbed up into Santa Umber’s lap.

“HO, HO, HO,” said Santa Umber. “And what would you like for whatever upcoming winter holiday you celebrate, little man?”

“Mrrph frmmm phhwahh!” said the little kid, dribbling half-chewed Holidayz HoHoHoles all down Santa Umber’s chest.

The kid stuffed another red-and-green-sprinkled HoHoHole in his mouth.

“Maybe you should swallow what you have in your mouth before you talk to Santa,” said Santa Umber, flicking the slimy doughnut bits off his red coat.

A very large man, also with a mouthful of Holidayz HoHoHoles, stepped up to Santa and spit out, “Maybe you should mind yer own business and listen to what my kid wants. Yeah?” A big, wet doughnut bit dropped out of the large man’s mouth and landed on Umber’s black Santa boot with a plop.

Santa Umber looked at the doughnut-stuffed man and the doughnut-stuffed kid and thought of a lot of things he could say.