progress she had made, reflecting on how much she had grown since fainting in the park. The doctor prescribed rest and relaxation. Temporarily moving in with her parents had helped her heal, allowing her time to put things into perspective. Three home-cooked meals a day, daily linen changes, unlimited television watching on the big screen, and warm hugs from Mom and Dad were just what she needed. Now, it was time to embark on a new chapter in life’s journey. Without Tyler. Since his death, she had only managed the bare minimum to live. Nicole met invitations to social gatherings with polite declines. If she was in the company of others, she would instinctively gravitate to the outskirts, silently observing the lively interactions while maintaining a comfortable distance. With Nicole's work being mostly independent, she could keep in-person interactions to a minimum. She didn’t want to be around people. She limited communications with clients to Zoom meetings and phone calls. She didn’t work to build her brand as a food stylist and writer on L.A.’s food scene. Since Tyler, Nicole had shut out the outside world, only allowing connection with family and a few close friends. She was forever thankful to her parents and Levi for keeping her refrigerator full and her house clean for the last eighteen months.
Going for a run in the park had seemed like the perfect choice that January morning. The urge to engage muscles, breathe in fresh air, and interact with people. However, her first actual day out, alone, had been detrimental to her healing. Erasing the memory of that day in the park was her goal. Getting over Tyler's death had been difficult for Nicole. How could she prevent triggers from initiating a descent into a downward spiral that felt nearly impossible to escape? The events of that day served as a stark reminder that certain situations had the power to elicit stress, leading to faintness, or worse. Was it the park? The run? The reminders? The memories?
Eyes closed, Nicole took in a breath, then exhaled. In her mind, she had returned to that day at the park. Reminiscent of the familiar scents of the freshly turned soil and patches of grass provoked a rush of nostalgia. The slight breeze swished through the trees as if whispering tales of her past. With her body unmoving on the bench, Nicole dreamingly allowed her mind to be transported to a specific memory. She and Tyler stopped in that same spot. She needed to catch her breath and rest. Tyler was always the stronger runner. The essence of that day lived within her. His teasing about her being a lightweight. Pulling Nicole to her feet so they could finish their run together.
It was the sudden piercing sound of sirens that prompted Nicole to scan her surroundings. Close to where she sat, under the towering tree with leaves vibrant and abundant, two black and white police cars parked on the grass. Heart racing, she watched one officer reach for his bully stick, the other slamming the car door. In what seemed like slow motion, the officers jogged towards her.
“Breathe, Nicole, just breathe,” she whispered to herself, inhaling, feeling her lungs expand. Holding her breath momentarily, she then exhaled through her mouth, hoping in that moment the stress and abrupt anxiety would dissipate from her body. Studying the approaching officers, Nicole recognized one of them–Jim Stone. Tyler’s fellow cadet in the police academy, partner on the streets, and best friend. Jim–tall, muscular, dark hair, chiseled face. Handsome. Seeing him triggered a wave of memories, transporting her back to the somber mood of Tyler’s funeral. The services concluded, and the church was empty. She remained immobilized, unable to stand and walk out. Jim slowly approached, then sat beside her. He enveloped her in a lingering, firm embrace, reassuringly conveying the message everything would be okay. Jim’s familiar voice pulled Nicole from her flashback.
“Ma’am. Good morning. It’ll be safer if you get into your car,” Jim suggested. “There’s a situation on the basketball courts.” Jim stopped in front of Nicole. His gaze held a mix of surprise and recognition. “Nicole? Is that you?”
Nicole froze. Rendered speechless, she found herself unable to utter a single word. Tilting her chin upward, towards Jim’s face, their eyes briefly met. “Hello,” Nicole whispered.
The corners of Jim’s mouth turned upward in a soft, understated way. “I’d love to catch up with you, really learn how you’re doing, but the situation on the courts is serious.”
Nicole looked at Jim, softly inhaled, and said, “I’ll leave then.” She gave Jim a brief smile. He nodded and then raced toward the basketball courts.
The chiming of her phone alerting her of an incoming email broke her thoughts of that day. The reason behind her fainting remained unclear and elusive, not immediately apparent. Was it the park? She hadn’t been there since Tyler. Or was it seeing Jim Stone? Did he trigger her blackout? Deep in her heart, Nicole was certain that Jim was the cause. Seeing him brought on overwhelming emotions that pronounced her shattered heart and profound loneliness. A sense of abandonment weighed heavily on her. It was Jim Stone. She was certain.
Before leaving her parents’ house, Nicole gathered her courage and, with a firm resolve, announced their dismissal from the role of caring for her. She could shop, clean, and function without their help. Now facing the disarray in her living space, she stood resolute. Determined to embrace change, Nicole set out on a journey of renewal. With a heart full of courage, she readied herself for the abundance of good things that lay ahead. Synonymous with the month of April and the spirit of rejuvenation, she embraced the tradition of spring cleaning.
The clean scent of the laundry detergent now in the washing machine filled her nose as Nicole dumped the pile of darks into the washing machine. The pile of dirty dishes in the sink was chaotic and a testament to Nicole’s recent inability to live in reality. Each dish had its own shape, size, and level of filth. Remnants of previous meals stuck to dinner plates and bowls. How could one person use so many dishes? Despite days of neglect, the sink was free of any crawling surprises. Liquid stained glasses, crust-layered silverware, and cooking utensils covered her entire granite countertop. The cluttered mess of dirty dishes emitted a faint, somewhat unpleasant odor. The pungent smell got stronger as she moved dishes out of the sink to fill it with scalding hot, soapy water and wash the dishes sparkly clean. Next, Nicole moved the toaster, air fryer, and mixer to wipe down all the counters with lemon-scented cleaner, disinfecting and sanitizing everything. Reaching under the sink for the gray bucket, Nicole filled it with water and floor cleaner, dipped the mop in the bucket, and splashed the mixture on the floor to scrub it clean. She then gathered old dust rags and sprayed lemon-scented all-purpose cleaner to polish the surface of every cabinet, table, bookshelf, hanging picture, television screen, figurine, and statue. Pulling towels off the racks, she swiftly piled them in the laundry room to be washed in the next load. With a scrub brush and abrasive cleaner, she scrubbed her guest bathroom squeaky and repeated these same actions in her ensuite bathroom.
As Nicole wiped the stream of glass cleaner that ran down her mirror, she admired her toned arms and the subtle contours of her physique. She swirled around, glaring at her stomach, hips, ass, and thighs in the mirror. Although she hadn’t consistently exercised in months, she looked pretty good. Nicole’s mind began to fill with thoughts of capturing the attention of a man, creating a cloud of contemplation that enveloped her. She knew she was attractive. Assertive in her self-worth, she recognized the abundance of qualities she could bring to a relationship. Could she love again? The question lingered in her head. Was her heart prepared to be filled with the love of another man? Could love be in her new chapter of life’s journey? The mere thought of finding love overwhelmed Nicole, stirring emotions she wasn’t prepared to feel.
“Focus, girl!” Nicole reminded herself. “This house won’t clean itself.”
Nicole went to her utility closet in the hallway and pulled out the vacuum cleaner. The repetitive push and pull of the machine across the sand-colored carpet lifted the dirt and debris, leaving a plush feeling under her feet. The unorganized desk in the spare room which doubled as her office needed attention. Feeling the ache in her arms and feet that hours of cleaning brought on, Nicole plopped onto her desk chair. In the middle of a pile of mail, a picture of Tyler and his parents caught her attention. She must have discovered it while in her whirl of sadness. Upon closer examination of the photo, the memory became vivid. “I remember this day. We were going to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary,” Nicole whispered.
“Memories of Tyler will live in your heart forever,” Dr. Williamson had told Nicole during her recent therapy session.
The mere thought of stumbling upon a photo or reminder of Tyler could plunge her into a spiral of grief she couldn't control. Dr. Williamson suggested this very thought during last week’s session. On her feet and with a mission in mind, Nicole painstakingly combed every room, drawer, and pile to gather all reminders of Tyler placing items on top of her entry table near the front door. She found sweatshirts, old deodorant, countless pictures, an Android phone charger, an electric razor, a half-empty box of old condoms, and a deflated basketball. She tossed the items into the forming pile. In the garage, Nicole reached for an empty plastic storage bin. Using a black Sharpie from her kitchen utility drawer, she labeled the bin. Memories of Tyler.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Nicole said out loud. She felt lighter, optimistic. Carrying the filled bin to the garage and finding it a special spot brought on a sense of accomplishment. The vibration of her phone and the incoming text message brought Nicole to a halt. She pulled her phone out of her sweatpants pocket and opened the locked screen to find a text from Edward.
Nicole typed a response.
Within seconds, Edward replied.
Nicole hadn’t spent time with Edward in recent weeks. He had been her rock when Tyler died. He had assumed the role of looking after her wellbeing. He sent flowers, brought her food, kept her company when she didn’t want to go out. He had a sense of what would make her smile and lift her spirits. He was a good guy. However, healing from her fainting spell and not allowing him to visit her at her parents’ house gave Nicole a new perspective. Was it healthy to be around Edward, knowing he was a blessing and a curse? Feelings of anger towards Edward often troubled her. She became angry each time she saw Edward because he reminded her of Tyler. She often couldn’t resist spending time with him for that very fact. It frequently became overwhelming. She hoped she could maintain their friendship for all he had done for her.
That evening, Aubrey breezed through Nicole’s door, carrying a big brown bag that smelled of deliciousness in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. “I thought some BBQ short ribs, garlic mashed potatoes, and collard greens would cheer you up.”
“Did you bring cornbread?” Nicole couldn’t eat collard greens without cornbread.
Aubrey nodded and smiled, showing all of her teeth. Nicole appreciated Aubrey's ability to make her feel better and was happy to have her around. When she had texted this morning, Nicole didn’t know how to share what she was feeling. Aubrey, however, possessed a sixth sense for Nicole. She always knew when Nicole needed her. Best friends since tenth grade, they were inseparable. When you saw one, you saw the other. Now, as adults, not much had changed, other than their careers limiting their time together.
Nicole gathered two plates, spoons, and forks from the kitchen. Her appetite had not been consistent since Tyler died. For the first time in a while, her stomach rumbled with hunger, feeling she could really enjoy her food. Aubrey trailed right behind her, carrying two wine glasses and a wine bottle opener. Nicole piled food onto their plates while Aubrey filled their glasses with Cabernet Sauvignon. Now seated at the dining room table, Aubrey raised her glass for a toast.
“To you, Nicole. May future days be filled with prosperity and lots of dates.”
“Dates, Aubrey? Really?” Nicole couldn’t believe her best friend sometimes. They clinked their glasses and took a sip of their wine. Was Nicole ready to date? She would have to bring this up with Dr. Williamson.
“Dig in!” Aubrey ordered. The only sounds heard were the rhythmic chewing of the ladies as they enjoyed their meal. Aubrey broke their silence. “It’s been almost two years since Tyler died, right? Don’t you think it’s time to get back out there? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?” Aubrey said adoringly.
After pondering Aubrey’s questions for a few seconds before speaking, a thought dawned on Nicole. When was the last date Aubrey went on? It had been years since her breakup. “And are you dating, Ms. Aubrey?”
“I’m different. My restaurant is taking up my time. I love it, though. You know that. When I get home, I just want to sleep. I can’t even imagine putting on real clothes and makeup to go on a proper date. My chef's coat, black pants, and clogs are always on me. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel pretty.”
Nicole nodded. She grasped every word Aubrey said. Nicole knew she was an attractive woman. Sure, men hit on her, asked her out. She just hadn’t been interested. The thought of the handsome EMT at the park entered her consciousness. Although their encounter had been months ago, for the first time in a while, she felt things within her she hadn’t felt since Tyler. With just one look and his million-dollar smile, she had felt butterflies floating in her stomach.
Aubrey broke her train of thought. “What does your therapist recommend? Staying in this house is not healthy.”
“She said I can honor Tyler’s memory and still be happy with someone else, be happy in life you know?.” But when I saw his partner in the park, it triggered me. It set me back. All I could think of at that moment was Tyler and the fact he’s gone. Nicole put her head down, tears now rolling down her cheeks.
Nicole needed to finish her grandmother’s cookbook that she had been working on. And, like Aubrey said, go on dates. She longed to experience a sense of beauty, attractiveness. Maybe she would find love again. Nicole owed it to herself to try.
“Nicole?” Aubrey called. “Nicole? I am talking to you.”
“Aubrey, I’m sorry. I’m thinking about what you’re saying. I have walked in slow motion since Tyler’s death. He’d be so angry to know this is how I’m living now.” Nicole knew better.
Aubrey stood and walked over to Nicole. “Then change it. Little by little, your confidence will grow. You're a beautiful woman. You’re only twenty-nine years old. All the dreams you had with Tyler, you can find with someone else. You can love again.”
“Do you really think I can pull it all back together?” Doubt crept in about her ability to begin anew.
Stomping her feet on the floor, Aubrey proclaimed, “I have all the confidence in you.” Aubrey reached over to give Nicole a long, tight hug. Nicole was her best friend. They were like sisters. “I refuse to stand by and let my bestie waste away.” Aubrey grabbed Nicole’s cheeks and kissed her forehead. “There’s too much life to live. Dreams to make happen. There’s a man who will love you. Love you deeply, like you deserve. You possess strength and independence. You're the top food stylist in the industry. You have a book to finish.”
“You’re right, as usual. I have to at least try. I’ll do better.” Did Nicole believe the words she’d spoken? Living like this was not healthy.
For the rest of the night, Aubrey and Nicole discussed upcoming catering events and projects, getting Nicole out of her emotional rut.