Stress is a part of life. You’re never going to get rid of it, so you need to decide how you are going to handle the particular things that stress you out. Different boys react to stress in different ways, just like different boys get stressed out by different things. For example, it may not bother you that the date of the school carnival was moved back by one week, but your best friend might see this as a major stress-out situation and start freaking out.
There is a funny saying that you might see on people’s Facebook wall or even on t-shirts: Keep Calm and Carry On. It’s actually a great way to think about stress. First of all, don’t panic. Take the time to adjust to the new situation, to see the good, the bad, and the different, and then make choices based on what seems best for you. If the problem seems too big to handle yourself, don’t handle it yourself. That’s what adults are for. Get them involved and you’re likely to cut your stress level significantly.
Every boy’s brain and body are different from every other boy’s brain and body. That’s a fact. In fact, that’s what makes you, you! And just like every boy is different, every boy has his very own strengths and weaknesses, or things he does well and things he struggles with. Some of these things are in the academic field. Some boys might be great writers, able to complete 10 page papers with no problem, while others find a 2-sentence assignment a huge challenge. Some differences are in sports, where there are some boys who are just better athletes without even having to try very hard.
Some differences are just part of how a boy’s body functions. For example, some boys with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) might have trouble sitting still and concentrating. In order to function well in school, these boys might need to take medication in order to focus and finish their work. If you’re one of those boys, it’s important to remember there’s not something wrong with your brain, your brain just works a little differently.
Sometimes boys have brains that make it hard for them to understand what people mean when they say things, or to understand how friendships and conversations work. Sometimes boys who have brains that work in that specific way are said to be on the Autism Spectrum. They might take medication or they might need to be told things in a certain way, or they might need to be in a classroom that is run in a way that helps their brain work best.
These differences in how different boys’ brains and bodies work don’t have to be stressful. When the differences do cause stress it’s usually because people in the bigger world haven’t spent any time thinking about how they can make sure their part of the world is accessible to people whose brains and bodies might work differently.
For example, a boy might have a body that works a little differently than other kids in his class: instead of walking, he might use a wheelchair to get around. If he lives in a house that is all on one floor with a ramp to the front door, he might not really be stressed about using a wheelchair until he shows up for the first day of high school and discovers that there is a huge flight of stairs just to get into the school! Clearly it’s not the wheelchair stressing the boy out, it’s the lack of thinking by the people at his school that’s causing the stress.
If you’ve been stressed out by the difference between the way your brain or body works and the way the rest of the world works, remember that everyone has his or her own challenges. No one’s brain or body is perfect no matter how it might appear to an outsider. Every single person on earth struggles with something, and while it’s true that you’ll probably have to keep trying twice as hard and find your own way around your personal obstacles, they have to do the same thing with their personal challenges.
What should you do if a boy who has a brain or body that might not work exactly like yours has a class with you or rides the bus with you or is in a community group with you? You might feel a little uncertain about how to treat that kid. But there isn’t any one way to talk to him because each boy is an individual and each situation is different. Just think about how you’d want to be treated, and follow their lead. If you think the boy might want some help with something, ask if you can help, and make sure you listen closely to his answer. Don’t assume what any boy can or can’t do!
You probably know this already, but ignoring or teasing kids who are different than you won’t make either you or them feel better. Every person has feelings. Every boy wants to have friends and be liked. You might find that if you go a little bit out of your way to befriend a kid whose brain or body works “different”, that it’s you who will gain the most from the friendship.
Moving can be a very stressful time in a boy’s life. When your parents first tell you that you are going to move, you might be mad. The idea might take some getting used to. After a while, you might want to take some steps that will help you think about how the move might be good for you and for your family. Here are a few first steps:
• Look up your new town online. What is near your house? Is there anything fun there that you couldn’t do in your current neighborhood? Try a cool mapping program like Google Maps which may let you get a 360 degree view of your new street, neighborhood, and town.
• Look up your new school online. See if you can memorize the names of the teachers and their pictures. You can be the new kid who knows all the teachers’ names the first time you see them!
• Plan how you want to decorate your new room, maybe using some of the more grown up styles you’ve been thinking about.
• If you’re going to move in the summer, ask if you can join a community sports league or go to activities at the local community center or library to meet some kids. That way, you don’t have to wait until school starts to make friends.
As with most things in life, you’ll likely discover that there are both good and bad things about moving. The bad things you’ve probably already thought about yourself, so here are some good things to keep in mind on this new adventure:
• This is an opportunity to reinvent yourself. No one at your new school knows anything about you. No one knows that you blew the big game or tripped in the hallway. You can build yourself a brand new reputation as the person you want to be.
• You get to make new friends. Choose carefully and you’ll probably find friends who will help you navigate all the hard parts of growing up.
• Here’s a chance to get closer to your parents and siblings. Since they will be the only ones you know at first, use the time to hang out with them. Play games, explore your neighborhood, and build up the bonds with the people who love you most.
BOYS SAY:
I HAD TO MOVE IN EIGHTH GRADE AND IT WASN’T SO BAD. I WAS NERVOUS AT FIRST, BUT I JUST LOOKED FOR CLUBS TO JOIN AND I MADE TWO REALLY GOOD FRIENDS JUST FOR SHOWING UP TO PLAY SOME CHESS.
-Jason, age 16
Although it isn’t always as dramatic as it seems on TV, divorce can also be very hard on kids. The most important thing to remember if your parents are getting divorced is: it is never, ever, ever (are you listening?) the kids’ fault. Divorce is a choice adults make for adult reasons. Even if you were super extra good and never teased your little sister again, or if you were super extra bad and made her life completely miserable, you couldn’t cause (or prevent) your parents’ divorce.
The Expert Says
Divorce is one of the most stressful things a kid can deal with, but there are ways to make the situation as easy as it can be. Here are a few tips:
• Divorce is more difficult for a family if the parents can’t get along at all. Ask your parents to do their best to keep the peace when you are around.
• Be fair to both of your parents. Try not to take sides. If your parents have a disagreement, try to stay out of it.
• Accept that some changes will happen. You may have to change schools or even move. You’ll get used to your life sooner if you try to look at the positive aspects of it.
• Some families have money problems as parents try to adjust to having two homes and two lives instead of one. You may have to change your spending habits and your expectations of gifts at special occassions.
• Talk to someone. Don’t keep your feelings inside. There are people out there who care about you and want to help.
When parents break up, there is often a lot of shuffling around of kids, and you may have to adjust to having two homes instead of one, or even (later) having a new step-parent or step-siblings. This can be really difficult, especially at first. If you are having trouble with this, it’s important to talk with your parents directly, rather than acting out your feelings with bad behavior. With bad behavior you might get the attention you need, but it will be negative, not positive attention.
KNOW THE FACTS
Using marijuana can cause memory loss and learning problems. It can also affect your coordination.
Hopefully, you are looking at this and thinking, “Why are they talking about this? I am way too young to even think about stuff like that.” Unfortunately that’s not true for all boys. In fact, 6 percent of all kids your age say they drink alcohol on a regular basis.
Even if you don’t see many people in your life smoking, drinking alcohol, or using illegal drugs, you are still exposed to advertising for alcohol and tobacco products. And you have probably seen movies and TV shows that show people using illegal drugs. So you probably know some things about alcohol and drugs, even if they haven’t touched your life directly.
