How much do you trust your own mind?
Living with Michael was never as solid as other memories. Not hard and vivid, like growing up in the US or Dee’s apartment or meeting Nick. When I was sixteen, reality was something Michael built for me, brick by brick. So memories, reality, perception – it became a jumble, a blur, a big cloud of renovation dust. Everything hazy. But here’s a memory that’s clearer than the rest:
One day, through that twirling cloud of plaster, Cat Cannon’s daughter banged on Michael’s front door.
I was sleeping upstairs, even though it was nearing midday. Depression and a touch of anorexia equals big-time lethargy, in case you’ve never experienced the two together.
Bang, bang, bang.
It was the sound of a fist pounding, I was sure, but Michael would handle it. I rolled over in bed. There was nothing for me to do in a situation like this. My role was to stay quiet and out of the way.
Bang, bang, bang.
Michael still hadn’t got a doorbell or intercom fitted. After all, technically no one was living in this pile of scaffold and gnawed brick.
Bang, bang, bang.
Probably it was a tradesperson. Worse-case scenario, a journalist.
I heard Michael’s footsteps beat the flagstones and the door creak open.
‘Michael?’
The voice was young, breathy, female – and horribly familiar.
What the hell was she doing here?
‘You made it here all by yourself?’ I heard Michael reply. ‘I was going to send a driver.’
I threw off the covers and ran to look over the stairs.
Annalise stood in the entranceway below, kohl-lined eyes filled with giddy excitement. She wore an oversized Michael Reyji Ray T-shirt with a belt and Indian sandals. Slumpy canvas bags lay at her feet.
I couldn’t see Michael’s face, but I sensed excitement from him.
I cantered down the stairs, catching myself on the stair rail. ‘Hey,’ I said.
Michael didn’t turn around. ‘Good morning, Lorna.’
‘Annalise,’ I said. ‘What’s with the bags?’
‘Annalise has come to stay with us,’ said Michael.
‘She’s … what?’
‘She’s going to live here for a while. You’re okay with that, right, Lorna? Another girl around the place. Like sisters.’
I swallowed. I already have a sister. I just never see her.
‘She’s staying here?’ I asked.
‘She can’t live with her mother right now,’ Michael explained. ‘Cat’s falling to pieces. And poor Annalise has nowhere else to go so she’s gonna stay here. She’s a friend. We take care of our friends.’
‘A best friend,’ said Annalise, laughing and giving Michael a kiss on the cheek.
I looked at Annalise then – taking in her youth and prettiness and twig legs.
‘The best-friend role is taken,’ I told Annalise. ‘By me.’
Michael laughed good-naturedly. ‘Hey, girls. It’s not a competition.’
But instinctively I knew it was. And Michael was loving every minute of it.
‘How long is she going to stay for?’ I asked, voice tight.
‘Michael, doesn’t Lorna want me here?’ Annalise asked in her pretty London boarding-school accent.
I glanced at Michael too. ‘It’s not that. I just … I wish someone had told me.’
‘Annalise will stay as long as she needs to,’ said Michael. ‘Lorna, you need to accept it.’
Annalise risked an excited glance at Michael. Then she looked around the vestibule at the plasterboard, ladders and paint cans. Even with all the mess, it was probably less chaotic than Cat’s place.
‘Is my room upstairs?’ Annalise asked.
‘Yeah, upstairs,’ said Michael. ‘Lorna – grab Annalise’s stuff, will you? Come on now. Lend a hand. Make the girl feel welcome.’
I wanted to swallow but couldn’t. My throat was tight as a drum.
Michael linked Annalise’s arm and escorted her up the stairs, leaving me with the bags. I dragged the luggage over the floor and bumped it viciously up each step, bump, bump, bump.
‘Does her mother know she’s here, Michael?’ I asked.
Michael turned to give me hard eyes. ‘No. Annalise needs a little peace and quiet from Cat.’
‘But she’s only fifteen. She shouldn’t be staying somewhere without her mother’s permission.’
Annalise grabbed Michael’s hand. ‘Age doesn’t matter. It’s just a label. Right, Michael?’
Blood rushed to my face. Those were Michael’s words, not hers. Age is just a label. When had he said them to her? He’d said things like that to me in bed, soon after I joined him on tour. Age is just a label. Marriage is just a label. Had he and Annalise been to bed together?
‘Cat’s not going to be happy when she finds out,’ I said. ‘Don’t you think it’s sort of weird? Moving in a fifteen-year-old without her mother’s permission?’
Michael’s eyes blackened. ‘If you say a word, ONE WORD about this—’
‘I didn’t say I’d tell anyone,’ I said. ‘But Cat’s going to find out eventually. You two are friends.’
‘NO ONE is going to tell Cat that Annalise is here,’ Michael boomed. ‘It’s our secret, and if you’re loyal to me, Lorna, then you keep my secrets too. Mention this to Cat and you’re out of here.’
I watched Annalise climb the stairs, holding Michael’s hand, and spots and flashes danced in my vision. ‘I loathe you,’ I told her. ‘Making big lovestruck eyes at him. You won’t take my place, do you hear me? Michael is mine. You won’t take him away from me.’
‘You’re, like, so into ownership,’ said Annalise. ‘Everyone is free. No one belongs to anyone. Michael isn’t your property.’
‘Well, if he’s not mine, he’s not yours either.’
‘Lorna, you’re being jealous and ridiculous,’ said Michael. ‘Annalise is a good friend of the family. Stop acting up.’
‘You want me to share you now?’ I said, starting to cry.
‘You’re being paranoid,’ said Michael.
I turned to Annalise. ‘How long do you need to stay here?’
‘I don’t know. Michael. How long am I staying here?’
‘As long as you like, love. Like I said. You’re practically family.’
‘But there’s hardly any space here,’ I insisted. ‘Only a few of the rooms have been finished.’
‘Annalise will stay in the room that’s just been decorated,’ said Michael.
‘The room next to yours? No way. Why does she get to be next to you and I don’t?’
Michael laughed. ‘This is silly. A room is just a room.’
For a moment, no one spoke.
Then I had a horrible realization. ‘That room has only just been decorated. You did it for her. The bedroom right next to yours. This is not just looking after her for a while. You’ve planned this. You’re moving her in.’
I stormed down the landing, throwing open the bedroom next to Michael’s. It was decorated with sickly pastel-pink bed linen and rose wallpaper. There was a huge Victorian wardrobe with mirrored doors. I had a vision of what might be inside that wardrobe: flowery dresses and crepe shoes, all bought by Michael for Annalise. His English rose.
I screamed at Annalise, ‘I won’t share him. If you go anywhere near him, I’ll kill you.’
‘Take a chill pill,’ said Annalise, shaking her head at Michael. ‘Is she always this crazy?’
Michael put an arm around her shoulder. ‘She’s had a few problems in the past. But she’ll get used to the change. And you’ll be best friends in no time.’
‘But you’re my best friend,’ Annalise laughed.
‘Well, I’m honoured. And now I’ve got an English rose to add to my collection.’
Michael and Annalise smiled at each other then, a special look, and I wanted to claw at Annalise’s face and rip the smile away.
‘What do you think this is, Michael, a girl band?’ I demanded. ‘The punk princess. The English rose?’
‘What are you talking about, Lorna?’
‘You’ve taken things too far this time.’ I felt tears sting. ‘I hardly ever see you. You’re gone half the time, and when you’re back we hardly ever talk. It’s all sex. But at least I’ve been the only girl. I’ve always had that. If Cat’s daughter stays here too, what’s left?’
‘You’re not making any sense,’ said Michael. ‘You sound crazy. Annalise needs a place to stay. Don’t make it out to be something sinister.’
‘Michael. I can’t handle this. I just can’t. It’s too much.’
‘I treat you like a princess. Everything you could possibly wish for.’
‘But bringing another girl to live with us?’ I chewed at my nails. ‘Michael, I’m at my limit. I swear to you.’
‘Jesus,’ said Michael. ‘Calm down, Lorna. You know how I feel about hysterical women. I’d have stayed with Diane if I wanted hysterics.’
‘You’re still married. You still do photoshoots with your wife. This house.’ I gestured to the plasterboard piled up against a wall. ‘It’s still a dust cloud because you’re different, you don’t do things like other people. And I just have to put up with it. Because I’m not important enough to renovate your house for. I put up with all of it, Michael. Everything. Because I love you. But this is too much.’ I started pacing back and forth.
‘A million girls—’
‘Would be grateful to live with you. I know. But only if they’re the only girl living with you. Isn’t that what you always tell me when you’ve been gone for weeks? That I’m your special girl, your only girl, the only one who lives in your big fancy house? Just me?’
‘Lorna, you’re being selfish.’
‘Michael, she can’t have that room,’ I said. ‘She can’t have the nearest room to you. It’s not right. I’m your girlfriend.’
Michael’s eyes darkened. ‘Lorna. Don’t throw those labels around. You don’t own me and I don’t own you. This is my house. I make the decisions. I’m not going to put her up in a room with bare boards and plaster dust.’
‘But Michael—’
‘Wait for me in the lounge.’
‘Michael—’
‘Now.’
When Michael came down to the lounge twenty minutes later, his eyes were dark and his shoulders hunched.
Without a word, he punched me in the eye and I fell to the floor.
‘You don’t question me,’ he said. ‘Ever. Not in my house.’
The punching was so normal by then that I just lay there without complaint. He’d knocked me down plenty of times by then. One punch was nothing.
‘Christ, Lorna,’ said Michael, stalking back and forth. ‘Why can’t you just be normal?’
Eventually I got to my feet, rubbing my cheek. ‘Have you slept with her?’
‘What are you talking about, Lorna? No, I haven’t slept with her. She’s fifteen, for God’s sake. How could you even think that?’
‘Just promise me you won’t sleep with her, Michael. Promise me.’
‘You’re being jealous and paranoid, Lorna. Where’s my fun girl gone, huh? You’re turning into a nag. A few more months and you’ll be just like Diane.’
I started to cry, turning away from him. ‘Well, what do you expect me to think when you move another girl in here?’
‘Come here.’ Michael pulled me into a hug. ‘You’re my one and all. Okay? Annalise won’t stay here long.’ He tapped me on the head. ‘That pretty little brain of yours. Thinking too much as always. Don’t make this out to be more than it is, okay? It’s just a few days.’ He looked right at me then, eyes sincere. ‘You know who I am, Lorna. I’m not perfect. Maybe I’m not even that good some of the time. But you know who I am. A man who loves you very much. Listen – I get angry because I care. I’m scared, you know? Just a scared little boy at heart. Scared you’ll stop loving me. I don’t mean to show it with my fists. It’s just how I was brought up. Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me and you’ll never leave me.’
I started crying. ‘Of course I love you.’
‘Hey.’ Michael squeezed me tight. ‘I’m one of the good guys. I have a big heart. Too big a heart, letting Cat’s daughter come to stay. But what could I do? We can’t let her be out on the street, can we?’
‘No. I guess not. It’ll just be a few days, right?’
‘Just a few days.’