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The next afternoon, the doctor told Caroline that she was well enough to travel the next day. She felt her heart sinking at having to go on, face her probably bitter aunt — and most importantly — to leave Hugh behind.
He entered the room a moment after the doctor had left.
“The doctor told me the good news,” he said with a beaming smile.
“Yes,” Caroline said a little more hesitantly. “Yes, I’ll be well enough to travel tomorrow.”
She thought of the miles she had to walk to reach Bath. She could not ask Hugh for money for the post chaise, not after everything he had done for her. She still could not fathom why.
“You must be glad to finally be able to leave?” Hugh asked as he sat down in the chair next to her bed that had turned into his regular seat during the last week.
“Yes,” Caroline said again and tried to sound happy, although feeling that she did not succeed.
“Caroline, why do you sound so distraught?” Hugh asked gently.
Caroline looked into his deep brown eyes for a moment. It would be so easy to tell him. That she did not want to part with him. That she wanted to stay with him, even if it meant living in disgrace and being his mistress. But she also knew that she would never degrade herself enough to utter the words. Even if he suggested it himself, she would probably refuse.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she said. She rubbed her face with a hand. “I suppose I’m still just a bit tired.”
Hugh had already risen from the chair before she had finished the sentence.
“I’ll leave you alone, then,” he said and managed a couple of steps toward the door before Caroline stopped him.
“Perhaps it’s best if we say goodbye now,” she suggested. “I would like an early start to Bath tomorrow and. . .”
“But I’ll drive you of course,” Hugh interrupted her.
“There’s really no reason for you to do so. I am perfectly capable of walking.”
“Caroline,” Hugh said and sat down on the side of her bed. “You’ve just been sick. You shouldn’t have to walk all the way to Bath.”
“But the weather is better now. One of the maids said that the snow is already gone.”
Hugh reached for her hand and looked at it as he spoke.
“Why will you not indulge me in this?” he asked.
Caroline looked at their hands as well. Hugh gently intertwined his fingers with hers. A flutter started deep in her stomach, it both begged for more and acted as a warning.
“I think that it will be easier to say goodbye here,” she whispered.
“I don’t want to say goodbye here,” Hugh mumbled.
He raised her hand to his lips and kissed her palm. This was it, Caroline thought. This was when she had to be strong and reject him, even though she wanted nothing more than to give in to him. He would ask her to be his mistress, say that he would take care of her, and . . . she would agree to it. But she could not agree if she did not hear the words.
“Will you please kiss me?” she whispered as he kissed her wrist.
Hugh looked up at her intently.
“Do you think you’re well enough?” he asked as he moved closer.
Caroline smiled and nodded. She had succeeded in drawing his attention from the future to the present. Good. Right now, it was all that she wanted to focus on as well.
“If I’m well enough to travel, I should certainly think that I’m well enough to be kissed, as well,” she said.
She had just finished the sentence when Hugh leaned forward and kissed her. It was not a gentle kiss; there was a longing and a passion in it that she had not expected. But it was not unwelcomed. Caroline traced her hands up his arms to rest on the back of his head, pressing it to hers. Feeling that she would never, could never, let go.
Hugh’s hands were on her back, and he slowly eased her down into the bed, lying on top of her. There were still the covers and their clothes between them, but even so Caroline had a sense of how well their bodies fit together.
Their tongues were playing with each other, and one of Hugh’s hands found one of her nipples. Caroline remembered how he had kissed them and heat flooded through her entire body and pooled between her legs. She moved her legs a little apart and Hugh seemed to take as an invitation to settle better between them.
She was going to sleep with him, Caroline realized. She was preventing him from asking her to be his mistress by sleeping with him. The thought was so bizarre that she could not help but giggle.
“What?” Hugh murmured and lifted his head enough to look at her. There was a glazed expression in his eyes, one Caroline recognized as passion. She suspected that her own eyes looked just the same.
“Nothing,” she said and shook her head, still smiling broadly. “I’m just happy.”
And she was. Right in this moment, she was happy. She decided that she did not want to question it. Did not want to think about the future. Right now, she would enjoy being with Hugh, knowing that it would probably be the first and last time.
“Good,” Hugh said and lowered his head. Instead of kissing her mouth as she had expected, he kissed her neck. Caroline could not help but move her head to the side to make it easier for him to kiss her. The movement made her feel wanton, but she could not worry about that now.
She slid her hands down his back to his hips and let her hands reach under his jacket following the muscles of his back that she could clearly feel through the warm silk of his waistcoat. When she let one of her hands retrace its path back to his head, she accidentally knocked the jacket of his shoulder. Hugh seemed to take it as an invitation to sit up and remove both the jacket, the waistcoat, and his cravat, throwing everything to the floor.
When they had been together before, it had been so dark that they practically could not see each other. Now, Caroline could clearly see the dark hair on Hugh’s chest that appeared in the opening of his shirt. The sight made her breathless.
“You’re smiling like the cat that got the cream,” Hugh said as he sat on the side of the bed, removing his boots.
“I am?” Caroline said and sat up. She hugged him from behind, kissing his neck as he took off his stockings as well.
He turned around, putting his arms around her.
“Caroline, there’s something I want you to know, before we go any further,” Hugh began, a seriousness had crept into his dark eyes.
Caroline only looked at them for a moment, then shook her head.
“It can wait,” she whispered and kissed him. Whatever it was, it seemed much too important for her taste right now. He would probably say that even though he liked her, he could never offer her anything.
“Are you sure?” Hugh said against her mouth.
Caroline nodded.
“It can wait,” she murmured as she lay back down in bed again and Hugh followed her.
There was only her borrowed night shirt and his linen shirt and breeches between them now, but even that seemed like too many clothes. As if by a silent agreement, they started tugging at each other’s clothes, until Hugh’s shirt and her nightgown had come off.
When Hugh lifted himself on his elbows to look at her, Caroline’s first instinct was to cover her bosom, but she refrained, grasping the sheets to prevent her hands from moving on their own accord. What she was about to do was much more daring than letting a man look at her bosom.
“You’re beautiful, Caroline,” Hugh said huskily above her.
Caroline turned her head to look at him, realizing that she had turned away in order to endure his gaze. Her impulse was to tell him that she was too skinny, but then she caught sight of his naked chest and her mind want blank. He was a slender, not muscular, man, but the muscles of his arms and upper body were still well-defined.
“So are you,” was all she was able to say.
Hugh smiled and kissed her again, starting at her mouth but quickly moving his way down her neck to one of her breasts. The sensation was so great that Caroline could not help but moan.
This was unbearable, she thought as she ran her hands up and down his back. Unbearable, but so delicious at the same time.
Hugh moved to her other breast at the same time as his hand trailed along her naked body to the juncture between her thighs. Caroline remembered how great it had felt when he had touched her the other night and moved her legs a little apart to make it easier for him to reach her. So what if he thought she was wanton? She certainly was. She wanted this experience with Hugh. She wanted to know what it was like to be with him, even if she never saw him again.
His fingers playing with her folds made her breath catch. She could not help but move her hips in anticipation for. . . him. She knew that now. The tight sensation built inside her. Tighter and tighter until she was out of breath and writhing, having no idea how they would go on, only knowing that she wanted to.
“Hugh, do you want to. . . should we. . .?” she asked in a high-pitched, breathy voice that she did not recognize.
Hugh simply shushed her and kissed her.
“Just enjoy it,” he mumbled.
And Caroline did. No one had ever told her that these kinds of sensations were involved in the act between a man and a woman. She couldn’t lie still anymore; the tension building inside of her was too powerful. She clutched the sheet with one hand and Hugh’s hip with the other, feeling that she would somehow shred her skin — and then she reached ultimate delight. Caroline moaned and gasped, feeling all her muscles tense, clutching the sheet and Hugh’s hip in tight grips.
Hugh’s hand stilled between her legs, and she could hear him chuckle, self-satisfied, but she did not have the strength to open her eyes and look at him.
“What was that?” she whispered.
“The French call it ‘La Petite Mort’,” Hugh said.
Caroline opened her eyes to see that he had an almost smug look on his face.
“I understand why,” she mumbled into his shoulder, hugging him tightly to her body. “Does it happen every time?” she could not help but ask.
“Hopefully,” Hugh mumbled into her hair.
Caroline nudged his shoulder and he lifted himself a little so that she could look into his eyes.
“But what about you?” she asked. She had always understood that the male pleasure was the most important.
“Caroline, we shouldn’t. We should wait. . .” Hugh said with a sigh that clearly expressed how difficult he would find it.
Caroline shook her head. No, there was no reason for waiting. They would not see each other again, even though he seemed unaware of that at the moment.
“No,” she said and looked intently at him. “No, I want to feel you.”
“Are you sure?” Hugh asked and looked at her so intently that Caroline thought that he was able to see all of her most private thoughts.
She nodded, then reached up and kissed him. Leisurely, she let her hands trail down his body to the edge of his breeches. She opened them slowly, reaching inside them and pushing down his smalls to find his manhood. It was hard and warm and felt almost like silk to the touch.
“How do I touch you?” she mumbled, craning her head to have a better look but it was impossible to see that much from the position of their bodies.
Hugh did not answer right away.
“What you’re doing feels just right,” he then murmured in a strained voice. Caroline looked surprised at him. He looked like he was in pain.
“Am I hurting you?” she asked, shocked, and let go of him.
“No,” Hugh said fiercely and opened his eyes. She could see the smile in them. “It felt incredibly good.”
Caroline reached for him again, touching him gently. She was uncertain how to proceed from there. She knew that he should be inside of her, but should she lead him there, or would he tell her when he was ready?
“A bit harder and a bit faster,” Hugh mumbled. He breathed heavily into her ear, clutching her shoulders. If he had not just assured her that he enjoyed it, Caroline would be certain that he was in pain, but she remembered the way her own body had tensed and recognized that it was the same as what was happening to him.
He clutched her shoulders even harder, then made a strained noise and Caroline felt a hot liquid pour into her hand. Hugh lowered himself onto her, hugging her tightly. The hug was a bit awkward since Caroline’s arm was still between their bodies, holding his manhood, but even so, she had never felt closer to another human being.
“You didn’t. . . we didn’t. . .” she finally managed to say.
Hugh lifted his head and kissed her fiercely.
“No,” he mumbled. “It’s better that we wait.”
Caroline kissed him back, uncertain why he wanted to wait if his aim was to make her his mistress, but she did not question it. Hugh rolled off her body, dragging her with him and hugging her tightly. The warmth of the embrace, of feeling protected and secure made her fall asleep almost instantly.