16
Freeing Your Husband’s Soul
Contrary to popular belief, the Bible is not chock-full of happy relationship advice. Whenever Jesus spoke of relationships, he usually predicted their demise (Matthew 10:34–35) or promised rewards for people who left their loved ones for the sake of the kingdom (Luke 18:29–30). Not exactly the kinds of things you hear on FamilyLife Today.
But there are a few verses in the New Testament that put a more positive spin on relationships. In fact, there’s a clever guy by the name of Emerson Eggerichs who founded an international ministry and sold over a million books based on a single verse of Scripture:
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33 ESV)
According to Eggerichs (and this verse), a woman’s most basic need from her husband is love. But a man’s most basic need from his wife is respect. Eggerichs asked seven thousand individuals this question: When you are in conflict with your spouse or significant other do you feel unloved or disrespected? Eighty-three percent of the men said, “disrespected.” Seventy-two percent of the women answered, “unloved.”[59]
You liberate your man’s soul when you give him respect. When a man feels disrespected, he experiences the same pain you have when you feel unloved. Protector grabs his heart and shields it from that pain. Your husband cannot give you his heart because it’s locked away in the cage. The man you truly love disappears and one of his survival strategies emerges: rage, drinking, silence, fear, control, and more. Then you resort to a survival strategy to deal with his dysfunction: nagging, codependence, arguing, manipulation, alcohol, and more. Eggerichs calls this “the crazy cycle.”
How do you break this cycle? By showing your husband respect—whether he deserves it or not.
One time I was speaking to a women’s group in Birmingham, England. As I was taking questions and answers, a well-dressed woman stood up and said, “I’ll show my husband respect when he does something worthy of respect!” The other women whooped and hollered in agreement. After the hubbub died down, I said to her, “Respect is not something your husband is supposed to earn. It’s a gift you give to him freely because God commands you to. I challenge you to show respect to your husband regardless of whether he’s good or bad, kind or cruel. See if that does not change the dynamic in your marriage.”
The simple act of giving men respect has saved thousands of marriages. Emerson Eggerichs’s in-box is stuffed with testimonials from women whose marriages changed radically when they began offering unconditional respect.
When a woman fails to show respect to her husband, she poisons the relationship. She fails to meet his most basic need. When a wife speaks disrespectfully, calls her husband names, or embarrasses him in front of others, she may win the battle but will ultimately lose her marriage.
If a woman has been disrespecting her husband for a long time, it may take awhile to rebuild his trust. But each time she shows respect to her mate, he will feel a bit more secure. Protector will slowly lower his sword and open the cage. Her true husband will come out and play because he feels no threat—only her love and support.
Here are some specific ways you can show respect to your husband:
Appreciate him. Your husband gets beat up every day. Things go wrong at work. He gets stabbed in the back by co-workers. His boss mistreats him. His favorite sports team loses. His relatives freak out on him. His flight runs late. His car breaks down. His clients make unreasonable demands.
Sadly, the beatings continue when men get home. Shaunti Feldhahn found that just 23 percent of men said they felt actively appreciated at home. Meanwhile, 44 percent said they feel unappreciated at home.[60] Children are notoriously unappreciative of their fathers—particularly teenagers. A lot of wives never offer an ounce of appreciation to their husbands—they see only their shortcomings. Some women withhold appreciation until their husbands do something for them, sort of like a circus trainer holds back treats from an animal until it performs a trick.
When a man feels unappreciated, he starts to entertain crazy thoughts. Here’s a voice that whispers to me when I feel unappreciated: “My wife and kids are so ungrateful. They never notice all the things I do for them. I work so hard to provide them with everything, and all they do is complain. I ought to leave them! Then they’ll finally appreciate me. I mean, what if I got cancer and died? Then they’d finally realize what a great guy I am.”
I’m not alone in feeling this way. A lot of men abandon families they love simply because they feel unappreciated. They meet another woman who says those magic words, “I appreciate you. I want you.” They’re willing to go through the hell of a divorce, child custody, and alimony, turning their backs on families they love because their need for respect is so deep.
If you want a happy husband, turn your home into an oasis of appreciation. Point out the things he’s doing well. Thank him. Find at least one thing to appreciate about your husband every day. Tell him with your words, with your smile, and with your physical affection that you appreciate him. Get him into the habit of coming to you for appreciation—instead of to his job, his hobbies, or his old girlfriends on Facebook.
Appreciate your husband not only to his face but also behind his back. Some wives run down their husbands in front of the children. Or when their teenage children rag on Dad, they nod in agreement. This mutual griping binds the children closer to you (you win the battle), but it marginalizes your husband (you lose the war). Eventually the whole family begins disrespecting Dad in subtle ways. This causes Dad to withdraw emotionally because he gets tired of being the bad guy—or the fool.
It’s also very important that you speak respectfully about your husband among your friends. My wife tells me women love to swap my-husband-is-worse-than-your-husband stories. Christian women sanctify their spouse bashing by delivering it in the form of a prayer request: “I need you to pray about my husband. He comes in from work and just parks in front of the TV. We haven’t had a date in months. It’s driving me crazy!” This is not to say you should never share your frustrations about your husband with anyone else, but be careful to do so respectfully.
Trust him—even in those situations where you think you know better than he does. Women tend to trust themselves implicitly when it comes to relationships. They often believe their approach is the right one, while their husband’s is the wrong one. Sorry to pick on my wife again, but she used to be really bad about this. Here’s our story:
My wife, raised as a preacher’s daughter, learned at an early age to be very diplomatic with her speech and to manage the truth so no one’s feelings would be hurt. On the other hand, I’m a very bold, plainspoken sort of guy. As such, I sometimes put people off. My wife noticed this tendency early in our marriage, so she began administering my relationships and conversations for me.
For example, any time I spoke to her parents she would serve as a translator, smoothing out and clarifying my words. Before I spoke to relatives on the phone she would coach me with what to say and how to say it. She would manage my conversations at church, quickly reinterpreting my words if she thought they had the potential to offend. She even set herself up as an intermediary between the kids and me. They came to her to find out what I was thinking, and I would go to her to find out what they were thinking. All this was to ensure my relationships ran smoothly under her expert supervision.
Remember, when a woman takes control of something, a man immediately backs off. After a few years of having my relationships professionally managed, they began to atrophy. I enjoyed a strong bond with my wife (since everything went through her), but I was becoming estranged from my children. Her parents lived with us, but I could hardly carry on a conversation with them. I began to go silent in social situations and let my wife do all the talking, since she was just going to rephrase everything I said anyway.
You would think I’d be angry about this. But here’s the strange thing: I didn’t even notice it was happening. It had been going on so long it just seemed normal.
But Gina noticed something was wrong and began to express her concerns:
“David, you don’t say anything in social gatherings.”
“You seem withdrawn from the family, absorbed in your computer screen.”
“You don’t ever spend time with friends anymore.”
“You have a scowl on your face most of the time. People are afraid to approach you, even at church.”
We eventually landed in joint counseling, and for the first time, we both saw what was really happening. Subconsciously, I was angry at her for managing my relationships. She had no idea she was doing it. I forgave her, and she began trusting me to tend my own relationships. With Gina out of the middle of our family, all our relationships have improved. The smile is back on my face—and our marriage has never been stronger. And as a bonus, I’m learning to become more gentle and compassionate in my speech.
Another area where women trust themselves and not their husbands is with conflict resolution. Men often prefer to take the bull by the horns, but women usually prefer a gentler way. Women are natural peacekeepers. They often see their husbands as ungodly when they chew someone out or take a tough line disciplining the kids. They never even consider the possibility that a little righteous anger might be just what’s needed to clear the air. Remember, Jesus was bold in conflict—more often a lion than a lamb. You need to trust your husband even when he handles a situation more assertively than you would.
Smile. A woman’s smile is her most powerful tool. Why? Let’s go back to infancy again. When your husband looked up and saw Mommy smiling at him, all was right with the world. But when Mom stopped smiling, he braced himself for the worst.
Therefore, being smiled at by a woman is one of the most pleasant things that can happen to a man. When I was a young buck, ladies used to smile at me all the time. Now that I’m in my fifties, they pretty much ignore me, unless they’re working for a tip. I must confess I will often choose a female checker at the grocery store just for the thrill of being treated kindly by a woman.
One of the most encouraging things you can do for your husband is to smile at him. Consistently. Regardless of whether he’s been a good boy or not. Show him God’s grace with your face. You’ll be amazed at the effect it has on your man. A consistent smile and a supportive attitude is soft power at its very best.
Believe in him. Sadly, a lot of women don’t believe in their husbands. I have a friend with a big dream, but it would require him to move his family to a distant state. His wife is absolutely dead set against it because it would require her to leave family and friends behind. She is well established in the community. Her parents live nearby. So instead of telling him her fears directly, she ridicules his vision. By belittling him and his dream, she gets what she wants—but her marriage suffers.
Men with big dreams inevitably face disappointments along the way. When your husband comes home looking like he’s been dragged through a cornfield, don’t tell him, “I told you so.” He needs an encourager—not a judge. If a man’s wife does not believe in him, neither will anyone else.
Of course, many women do believe in their husbands. My very optimistic wife always encourages me to pursue my dreams. I hardly need to seek her advice because I know she’ll always say, “Go for it!”
Need him more. One of the kindest things you can do for your husband is to make him feel needed. Dr. John Gray writes, “Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.”[61]
So how do you make your man feel needed? Simple. Ask him to do things for you.
Modern women have been taught that it’s wrong to rely on a man for anything. They’ve become too independent, making their men feel useless in a relationship. Allow your husband to serve you—and express your gratitude. Let him pick up the check. Ask for his advice. Get him to open the pickle jar. Men love to be useful and appreciated.
Caveat: Men love to be needed, but they recoil from neediness. Men are not looking for a clingy, whiny wife who’s in constant need of rescue. That’s codependence.
Interdependence is the sweet spot for men. They want to serve and be served. They want to depend on you and they want you to depend on them. It’s all a part of becoming one.
Next, I’m going to share the secret to getting your husband to do exactly what you want. This amazing method works with all kinds of men. Are you ready? Here goes:
- Get his undivided attention.
- Look him in the eye.
- Tell him clearly and unambiguously what you want.
That usually does the trick. If it doesn’t, ask him again. Be nice about it. Don’t nag—that just makes him mad. Not surprisingly, nagging is correlated with marital unhappiness and divorce.[62]
What’s the difference between nagging and asking multiple times? The attitude of the one doing the asking. Most men appreciate a friendly reminder—as long as it’s friendly. If you come across as pouty or disappointed, that’s nagging.
Above all, don’t make your husband guess what you want. Tell him clearly. Don’t expect him to read your mind.
Women have this romantic idea: “He should just know what I want.” (Cue: the chirping birds, rainbows, and unicorns.) It’s as if love magically imbues a husband with telepathic powers.
“He should just know.” What a load of baloney. This attitude will strain your marriage and stress out your husband.
Back in our pre-counseling days, my wife used to play this little game with me. See if it sounds familiar:
| Me: | Honey, what restaurant do you want to eat at tonight? |
| Gina: | It doesn’t matter, you pick. |
| Me: | How about Mexican? |
| Gina: | Okay. |
So we’d go out for Mexican food. And the rest of the night I was married to the White Witch of Narnia. Silent. Cold. Imperious.
What went wrong? She wanted Chinese, and I’d failed to read her mind. So she punished me for it, ever so subtly.
| Me: | Honey, how’s your chimichanga? You’ve hardly touched it. |
| Gina: | Fine. |
| Me: | What’s wrong? |
| Gina: | Nothing. |
This is actually a game she learned from her mother. Here are the rules: Wives of the 1960s were never supposed to speak directly about their wants. That would be considered pushy. Instead, they gave their husbands subtle clues. Then, based on those clues, the husband was supposed to guess what she wanted. If he guessed right, that meant she was truly loved. If he guessed wrong, she was allowed to pout, as a consolation prize.
Here’s what Gina was expecting: She had sent me a clue that she didn’t want Mexican food. By answering with a simple, “Okay,” she was hinting that I was supposed to look deeply into her soul and divine her true feelings about dinner. It turns out she was feeling bloated that night, and I was being insensitive by suggesting a high-calorie meal. She didn’t tell me this—I was “just supposed to know.”
Put yourself in my shoes. I think I’m getting gold stars for taking her out to dinner. But she’s upset because I didn’t get her what she wanted. I offered her a gift of love. She focused on what was wrong. And here’s the message I received: Don’t even try to love me this way, because if it’s not perfect I’ll be upset.
All this unpleasantness could have been avoided if my wife had simply spoken up and said, “I’m in the mood for Chinese.” Mongolian beef or tacos al carbon—it didn’t matter to me. Happily, after years of begging my wife to speak up, she’s finally learned to do so. This has made both of our lives so much more pleasant.
Women, give this gift to your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel. What you want. Don’t expect him to guess. And don’t punish him if he can’t read your mind. Tell him you want flowers this week, and then be happy when they arrive. Good husbands are not born, they are trained.
Respect yourself. Ironically, one of the best ways to respect your husband is to stand up for yourself. Don’t be his doormat. Here’s a little secret: Men love strong women. But they despise a gal with no backbone.
Some women, in an effort to be submissive, completely subsume themselves. They cede all power to their man, placing him on the throne and crowning him king. This is the worst thing you can do for your husband. It completely upsets the balance in a relationship. And here’s something your husband isn’t telling you: Even if he is tyrannical at times, he does not want to be a tyrant.
My father used to terrorize our family with his rages. My mother was a classic middle child who always tried to soothe and defuse the situation. The more submissive she became, the angrier he got. But once in a while a remarkable thing happened—Mom stood up for herself. She faced Dad down. He would explode, but within a few minutes he was calm again.
If you’re the codependent type of woman who’s “too nice” and your husband runs roughshod over you, it’s time to grow a spine. Speak up for your needs. Tell him how you really feel. If you disagree with him, say so. If he is mistreating you or your relationship, follow the procedure outlined in Matthew 18.
Some sick men use the doctrine of submission to abuse their wives and children. Don’t be a victim. Paul commands wives to submit—and husbands to love. That’s the bargain. Your husband deserves a submitted wife and you deserve a loving husband who sacrifices himself for you, just as Christ did for the church. (See Ephesians 5:22–27.)
I’ll say it again: No man wants to be a tyrant. Rage comes from the little boy trapped inside the cage, hurting over what was done to him long ago. Your husband wants to grow up into a responsible man—and you can help him by being strong. You show your husband respect not when you cower before him, but when you hold fast to the truth, and speak it in a respectful way.
Laura Munson wrote about the day her husband walked up to her and said, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”
He expected her to burst into tears. To rage at him. To threaten a custody battle. To beg him to change his mind. She did none of these things. Instead, she looked him square in the eye and said, “I don’t buy it.”
So he got mean. He called her names. He asked for a divorce. She stood her ground. She was married—and that was that.
He said he wanted to move out. She didn’t panic. She asked, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
This made him even madder, but he didn’t move out. He spent the better part of a year being irresponsible. He missed family gatherings. He was distant. He refused to look Laura in the eye.
But over time he slowly began to return. He started mowing the lawn. He began talking about the future. He ordered some firewood. At Thanksgiving, he offered a brief prayer: “I’m thankful for my family.”[63] Over time her husband came back. And they’re still together.
By standing firm, Laura Munson set her hurting husband’s soul free. She did not achieve this miracle by exerting hard power (hiring a lawyer and kicking him out) or by manipulating (whining and crying) or by guilt (“Think about your children!”) or by taking the blame upon herself. She did it by holding fast to a simple truth: She was married, and she was determined to show her husband respect, even when he did not deserve it.