CASH SAUNTERS OVER to us, flanked by the twins from seraphim guard class, Ira and Ian. They are all dressed in dark suits with white oxford shirts and pale pink ties, like groomsmen at a wedding. As usual Cash’s hair is slicked back and his teeth are so white, they practically glow. In fact, now that they no longer need to hide their Morati essence from me, their bodies shine with an otherworldly light that brightens every corner of the dank chamber.
“She’s all yours.” Autumn shoves me over to him.
As soon as I’m out of her grasp, I break into a run. If I can get up the steps, I have a chance. But I haven’t made it five feet before the twins block my path like a brick wall.
“Leaving so soon?” Cash asks.
I turn toward Cash and Autumn, pressing my back against the twins. I expect Cash and Autumn to come for me, to stalk me like predators after prey. Instead both are facing the pit, peering into it. Cash has his arm around Autumn, and they stand as though they could be tourists enjoying the view.
Cash runs his hand down Autumn’s spine. He whispers something into her ear, and she smiles. Then he calmly reaches out and backhands her. She falls, and as her cheekbone smashes into his foot, her pupils contract and the hazel of her irises reappears. The crazed look is gone, replaced by confusion.
Cash kicks her off his foot. “Hey, Autumn. I think it’s time we broke up.”
She lies still for three beats, and then rage ignites her face. She springs up and slaps Cash so hard that he stumbles back onto the railing. “Break up?” she shouts hysterically. “I let you murder me for this?”
Cash calmly reaches out and mind stuns her. She shakes like she’s been hit with high voltage, and Cash catches her in his arms. He carries her over to Emilia and dumps her onto the ground, as if he doesn’t have use for either of them any longer.
Cash approaches me, offering his hand. I take it automatically, as if compelled, and he gently pulls me toward him, like he’s asking me to dance. “I’m sorry about that. I got here as quickly as I could.”
“W-why?” He stunned Autumn, but he didn’t kill her, or she would’ve disappeared.
“You know why.” Cash’s voice is low. Hypnotizing. “You’ve felt the truth inside you for some time now. You’re one of us. You can join us.”
“Because I’m part angel?”
“So Julian told you.” Cash chuckles. “At least he’s good for something.”
“Autumn said you kept me alive only because you wanted to use me.”
Cash’s face darkens. “Autumn is a fool. Her envy stunted her reasoning skills and made her easy to control. You are worth ten thousand of her.”
I raise my eyebrow. “I saw her memory. You wanted me to commit suicide! Don’t pretend that you’re my friend now.”
He reaches for the knot of his tie and loosens it. Tiny pearls of golden sweat form at his hairline and trickle down his face. “Your suicide would have brought you to Level Two much sooner, but you weren’t very cooperative. Everything we did then was for a reason. As is everything we’ve done now.”
I take a step back. “Like bombing innocent people.”
“Only the first bombing, the one that took out the records room, was operationally imperative. The second bombing and killing the healers were meant to destabilize Level Three. The rest of the destruction was your handiwork, wasn’t it? We laced your memories with water from the Styx, the river that flows between all levels, in the hopes that you would open portals when you viewed them.”
“But how could viewing memories cause destruction or open portals?”
Cash sighs, like he’s disappointed that he has to spell it out for me. “We think you are the first ever human-Morati hybrid. And somehow that gives you the power to open portals to other levels. The obol that you wear around your neck is the catalyst for you to be able to use your ability. At first the portals you opened were so unstable that they caused isolated destruction of whatever place you last spoke about. But your seraphim guard training taught you control and concentration so that you can open stable portals.”
Unease creeps up my spine. “How do you know all this?”
“We’re connected, you and I. Even more so after your residence in our Level Two mainframe.”
“In your pursuit of opening portals, you stood back and let all those people die.” Good and bad may have shades of gray, but it’s clear that this is evil. “And because you hoped I would open a portal for you, you stole my memories?” If my memories were important enough for the Morati to steal and to dole out to me like a trail of breadcrumbs, then those memories must have some greater purpose. They must contain some greater truth.
“Join our fight against the injustice we Morati were dealt, and you can know everything.”
I take another step back. “I will never join you. Never.”
Cash makes a fist, and for a moment I think he’s going to punch me. But then he twists his arm so that his palm is facing upward. As he opens his hand, a white memory globe grows until it’s the size of the ones I viewed in my room. It’s breathtakingly beautiful, and there’s nothing I want more than this. My arm rises unbidden, and my fingers stretch toward it with yearning.
But I snatch my arm back. I won’t give in.
Cash extends the memory globe farther in my direction. “This one globe holds the key to restoring all your memories and to getting the answers you seek.”
The only way to discover the full extent of the Morati’s plan for me is to agree to become a part of that plan. I can’t do it. No amount of knowledge is worth giving up my soul and selling out mankind.
“No,” I say. But my voice wavers, and Cash grins.
“No?” He steps back and throws the globe high in the air. As it soars, it breaks into hundreds of lighted globes that float all around me, suspended by the force of his will. It is the most stunning sight I’ve ever witnessed. “Do me a small favor, then. You have the obol, yes? Take it out.”
My hand reaches for my pocket, and I slide the skep charm out into my palm.
“Excellent. Now all you have to do is view a memory. Any memory at all. You’ll open a portal, and we’ll all walk through it to Level Four so that we’ll be one level closer to our goal. Nothing could be easier.”
As I stare into Cash’s eyes, the globes reflect in his dark pupils like a universe of stars waiting to be discovered. The ice blue of his irises melts into the inviting turquoise of a tropical ocean. A whisper tickles the back of my mind, faint at first and then growing steadily into a thrumming chorus, serenading me from all sides. “Know yourself,” it says.
My angel DNA surges through my veins, assuring me that I’m better than human. I could be perfect. I could be divine.
Dimly aware that he’s using his power of compulsion, I squeeze my eyelids shut and shake my head violently, trying to force him out.
“Go on. Touch a globe to restore all your memories. Know yourself. Know how you lived. Know how you really died.”
I can’t help myself. I reach for the closest globe. It wouldn’t be so bad to join the Morati. Why have I been so against them all this time? I try to come up with reasons, but they seem so inconsequential. They pale in comparison to the gifts Cash offers me.
“Felicia!”
Neil’s voice breaks through the spell Cash has on me. I jerk my arm down to my side, dropping the charm. It clatters to the floor. I spin. Neil runs toward me.
Cash curses, and the memory globes start to swarm, swirling around him until they converge into one globe. Then he closes his fist and it’s gone. The twins tackle Neil before he can reach me, and wrestle him to the ground. Nate comes up behind them and jumps on one of their backs until the four of them become a great ball of tangled, kicking limbs.
Before I can join the fray, Cash rushes at me and launches himself at me with a flying kick. My arms go to the block position I’ve practiced so much in class, and as his foot nears my ear, I protect myself with a knuckle to his cheek and jab with my right fist into his neck. But unlike in class, Cash reacts with a sweep of my standing leg, sending me careening backward. I grab Cash’s knee, and he falls on top of me. He scrambles for the skep charm and then clamps down on my wrist, tying the chain around my forearm.
He lets go of me and springs up. “Let’s try this again, shall we?”
Cash opens his hand, and the memory globe blooms once more. He lifts his arm like he’s going to throw a baseball, and I realize he means to pelt me with it in order to open up a portal. I leap to the side at the same time that Autumn crashes against Cash, pressing his lower back against the railing of the hellhole. “Don’t hurt her,” she cries.
He pushes her away roughly, coughing. Yellow spittle dots his chin. “Call her off, Felicia.” He thrusts his arm out, leaning his side over the railing and dangling the memory globe over the pit.
Autumn lunges at Cash again, and he loses his balance, pinwheeling his arms. He catches hold of Autumn’s hair, and the momentum propels them both over the railing. As Autumn latches on to the steel bar with her right hand, I sprint toward the hellhole and reach for her. “Take my hand,” I yell at Autumn.
Cash swings from Autumn’s hair, drops the globe, and grabs on to my left wrist. The globe splatters against the side of the pit. The force of his swing causes Autumn’s grip to slip from the metal. I catch her with my right hand. “Help me up,” Cash demands. “Or your memories die with me.”
Scuffling and cursing continue in the background as Nate and Neil keep the twins occupied. I can’t keep holding both Cash and Autumn. My shoulders bellow with the strain of their weight. I have to let go of either my memories or my best friend. Either way I lose.
As I look into Autumn’s petrified eyes, I realize how I have been investing all my time and energy in the Morati’s narrative version of my life, letting them shape me via my memories. I spent my time chasing before, trying to find myself in my past, when all along I held the power to create myself in my present. It is time to take my life back. To be the best version of myself that I can be.
I shake my left arm violently, and Cash digs his fingernails into my flesh. He’s not going to go easily. My feet begin to slide. If I can’t get Cash loose, he’ll pull me in too.
“Help! Neil! Nate! I’m slipping!”
Autumn takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Felicia. I let envy control me. I deserve this.”
Tears well in my eyes. “Don’t say that. We’ve both made mistakes. But the future is a clean slate. We can be friends again. Best friends.” My knees buckle. My strength is gone. We’ll both go down together.
She shakes her head. “It’s too late for me. But not for you.”
She twists her arm within my grasp, forcing my fingers open. “No! Don’t let go!” I shout. I clutch at her, but I can’t reach her.
She throws herself around Cash’s waist. Cash’s fingernails tear down the length of my hand, and his screams send chills down my spine.
As both Cash and Autumn fall into the abyss, I sink onto the floor and curl into myself, too horrified to even cry. My best friend. Gone. My memories. Gone.
I’m dimly aware of movement above me. Three bodies are thrown into the pit. The twins and Emilia? Shrieks, high-pitched and close, pierce my eardrums and then become quieter and quieter until they are nothing at all.
Nate gets in my face. “Are you okay, Felicia?”
I open my eyes. Nate and Keegan stand over me. Keegan must have arrived recently. I sit up with a start. “Where’s Neil?”
Nate harrumphs. “What? No thank-yous?” He pulls Keegan with him. “Come on. Let’s clean up the mess up top and leave the two lovebirds alone.”
Considering we broke up, “lovebirds” probably isn’t the most accurate description. Maybe it will be again soon. But even if it won’t be, I have to make sure Neil’s okay. I’ll never stop wanting the best for him. Ever.
“Nate!” Neil calls out. He’s by the stairs, lying in the fetal position, his arms clutched over his chest. Nate stops, leans over, and offers Neil his wrist to help him up, but Neil refuses it with a grimace.
Hurt registers on Nate’s face until Neil says, “I think my ribs are broken.”
“That’s nothing compared to the shape the other guys are in.” Nate chuckles morbidly.
“Yeah. Thank you for being here for me,” Neil says. “I appreciate it.” As I begin to crawl toward them, Neil lifts his knuckles for a conciliatory fist bump.
Nate crouches down and knocks his knuckles against Neil’s. “No one messes with my little brother but me.”
Neil smiles. Then he turns his gaze toward Keegan. “I told you to stay outside!” he admonishes. “You could’ve gotten hurt.”
“You guys needed me,” Keegan says defiantly. “And I kicked some Morati butt.”
“That you did.” Nate claps Keegan on the shoulder. “Now let’s go.” He nods at me and leads Keegan back up to the surface.
As soon as I reach Neil, I cross my legs and pull his head into my lap. I stroke his hair, mourning everything I lost today, but marveling, too. I am sitting here, despite all the odds, with this beautiful boy by my side. Even if we have only this moment, it’s up to me to make the most of it. That’s all I can do. “I could sing to you. I hear music really helps the healing process.”
He grins at me, rewarding me with the first dimple I’ve seen in ages. “Yes, please.”
I’d sing “Blessed Be the Tie That Binds”—it is kind of our song, after all—but it now reminds me too much of how I’m forever bound to the Morati, and there is nothing blessed about that. Instead I make up some lyrics to the Prancing Goat Symphony on the spot.
Neil covers his ears in mock distress. “Okay, okay—you can stop singing now.”
“Why? Because you feel better? Or because I’m torturing you?”
“Both?” We laugh. It’s no secret my singing voice is atrocious.
He sits up. “I like you better without all that black eye shadow.” I touch my eyelid with my finger, and it comes away clean. The eye shadow is finally gone.
“How did you find me down here?” I’m lucky Neil came and called my name when he did. “Can you stand?”
He nods, and we both rise to our feet.
“Julian got your distress call. He found Nate and me and told us where you were. He’s waiting outside.” Neil pulls at his collar. “He wanted to help . . .”
But he couldn’t because of the brimstone exposure.
“. . . but I begged him not to,” Neil finishes. “He can’t lose any more power. He has to get stronger so he can rebuild the bridges and the portal. Level Three needs him.”
Even when Neil is rushing to my rescue, putting his own life at risk, he still has the presence of mind to be concerned about everyone else’s well-being. It’s so typically Neil to put others before himself.
“What about Brady? Furukama? Are they up there too?”
“I didn’t see them,” he says.
I fill Neil in on what happened before he came, including what I saw in Autumn’s memory. When we return to the surface, Neil steps between the waiting Julian and me, in full-on protective mode.
“I was so worried!” Julian says.
“Were you? Then why were you plotting my demise in Autumn’s memory of your meeting before the Halloween party?”
Julian gulps. “You saw that?”
“I did.”
Julian puts his hand out to me beseechingly. “I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. But I stopped working with the Morati a long time ago.”
I won’t let Julian emotionally manipulate me anymore. And I want answers. “You knew Cash was here. You knew Autumn was involved. Why didn’t you warn me?”
“They were watching me on Earth, in Level Two, and here, and they threatened to hurt you if I told you about them. I couldn’t let that happen.”
From what I saw in Autumn’s memory, I know he’s telling the truth about the Earth part, and the rest is plausible, though frustrating. “Okay,” I say warily.
“They already punished me for contacting you at all. Autumn was the one who sent the anonymous tip and got me put in jail. She even bragged about it to me. They didn’t want to torture me, just teach me a lesson, so Autumn convinced Furukama to let me out after one night.”
“In your memory of our bike ride together, you claimed you’d do anything to protect me,” I say as calmly as I can. “And yet you sent Neil down to face Cash instead.”
Julian’s so wrecked, I’d swear there are tears in his eyes. “I would do anything to protect you. If you don’t believe anything else, believe that.” He steps closer. “You have no idea how close I came to rushing down those stairs.”
Julian blinks, and a tear escapes. “But I realized that what you most needed was an antidote against Cash’s false promises, someone who represented goodness to you, and only Neil could provide that.”
I try to imagine how it might have gone if Julian had come instead of Neil, but I can’t. He was right that Neil was the exact person who could break through to me at the moment of my compulsion. “Julian, I—”
“Don’t.” Julian’s lower lip trembles. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” And then he turns and walks away.
Neil slips his hand into mine, and that simple act breaks me. I pull him in and we hold each other. I let my tears flow as the thoughts of recent events all flood into my mind at the same time.
I always thought the universe demanded reasons, that by viewing my memories, somehow the story of my life would make perfect sense. But I’ve learned the hard way that reality is messier than fiction, and no matter how much you want to, you can’t sneak a look at the last page to see if everything turns out okay.
Neil leads me back to his room. We don’t talk. We simply lie in his bed, foreheads and knees touching, hands clasped, breathing each other in. And right now that’s all I can ask for.