CHAPTER 2 Mission: Christmas

THE CHRISTMAS CONSTELLATION

For me, Christmas planning used to involve an hour or two in a cozy café in mid-November, perhaps with some gentle jazz playing in the background, a fresh pot of tea, and some ginger cake. I’d have pen, paper, and a calendar, and I would settle down to write my lists.

These days, there is one major difference. Before I start listing everything I must do, I check in with my Christmas Constellation. This is a powerful tool I developed for inviting a calmer Christmas, and it has transformed not only the way I plan but also my enjoyment of the festive season, so I hope you will give it a try.

How to Create Your Very Own Christmas Constellation

1. Copy the following chart on a double-page spread in your notebook, or download the template from dowhatyouloveforlife.com/course/cc.

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2. Go back to your answers to the Calm Contemplation questions in Chapter 1 and note down your score from the final question (out of 10) for each story. It’s fine to have rated more than one story highly, even if doing so seems a bit contradictory. Clement Clarke Moore, author of “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” that famous poem about the night before Christmas, was a very religious man and a professor at the General Theological Seminary in New York City,1 so he probably would have scored Story 1 and Story 2 as a 9 or a 10.

However, if you find that you have scored all the stories very highly, try to identify which you relate to the most and adjust accordingly. Very few of us love every aspect of Christmas equally; and even if we do, trying to commit to each of them equally is likely to be a source of significant stress. If you are a little more strict with your ratings, you will find your Constellation becomes a much more useful tool. Here’s an example:

Gloria was brought up in a religious family, and although she doesn’t go to church regularly anymore, she still considers Christmas to be a religious holiday, loves traditional carols, and always attends Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. She is sad that few people now make this connection and feels that Christmas has lost some of its meaning as a result. She has no problem with the emphasis on Father Christmas, but she has no children of her own, so she doesn’t think about it too much. What matters most to her is gathering her parents, her siblings, and their families at her home for a feast. She enjoys the Christmas lights in her town but feels stressed out by crowds and dislikes the constant pressure to buy gifts for distant relatives and acquaintances. She has fun decorating her house with holly and ivy and lighting candles, just as her grandmother and great-grandmother did before her.

Gloria might score her stories as follows:

3. Now plot all five of your scores on the chart, using stars. As an example, Gloria’s Christmas Constellation would look like this:

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Gloria’s idea of Christmas is immediately obvious, and a quick glance at the chart will help her to:

CALM CONTEMPLATION: YOUR CHRISTMAS CONSTELLATION

Consult your Christmas Constellation and think about what it is telling you, then jot down your responses to the following questions.

PLOTTING A LOVED ONE’S CHRISTMAS CONSTELLATION

Things get even more interesting when we look at the Christmas Constellations of the people we are likely to spend the most time with over the holidays. Let’s return to our earlier example of Gloria:

Gloria’s husband, Nick, isn’t religious, but he enjoys hearing the carols Gloria plays at home. He feels Christmas is a magical time of year that is brought to life by a jolly old elf, and he likes putting up a Christmas tree. He enjoys handing out special gifts while wearing a Santa hat, but he detests the media circus, thinks that people spend far too much money on junk, and gets upset by all the waste. He loves maintaining the traditions he has inherited, including midwinter celebrations and cooking old family recipes.

Nick might score his stories as follows:

If we plot these scores on Nick’s chart, his Christmas Constellation looks like this:

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This will help Nick to:

If we now overlay Nick’s and Gloria’s Constellations, we can see where their visions of Christmas coincide, and where they diverge. While any differences may be sources of tension in their household, they can also offer surprising opportunities for generosity, as Nick and Gloria can see how to better accommodate each other.

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Clearly, Nick and Gloria are in sync in a number of areas, but out of step in a couple of others. Knowing this could spark some interesting conversations, give them a better understanding of each other’s point of view, and help them come up with better plans in the future. For example:

If you will be sharing Christmas with someone this year, imagine how they might rate each of their stories and plot their Constellation. This could be a partner, a child, a relative, or a friend. You could even discuss the five stories with them and ask them the Calm Contemplation questions from Chapter 1. This can lead to some wonderful conversations as you start to see Christmas through their eyes. It will certainly help both of you to understand and accommodate the other’s view of Christmas.

CALM CONTEMPLATION: YOUR COMBINED CHRISTMAS CONSTELLATIONS

Once you have overlaid your Christmas Constellation with that of a loved one, take a good look at the chart and answer the following questions:

CHECKING IN EVERY YEAR

Just as stars wander across the night sky, our Christmas Constellations can change over time. Perhaps a dramatic event shifts our perspective. Perhaps a partner’s enthusiasm for a particular aspect of Christmas eventually rubs off on us. Perhaps we start a family, or our children fly the nest, or we become more—or less—cynical with age.

It is worth re-creating your Christmas Constellations each year to see what has changed and help you identify what you want and need from the season at this particular moment in your life. Who knows, it might even become one of your favorite annual rituals.

REIMAGINING CHRISTMAS

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

—W. T. Ellis2

My childhood Christmases were simple and predictable in the best kind of way. I knew we would go to the forest for the tree and make our own decorations, while Grandma made the Christmas cake. There were off-limits cupboards and squeaking floorboards and rustling paper as presents were squirreled away. There was good cheer, the smell of cigar smoke, friends popping in for hugs and drinks and hot mince pies. Caroling at the local retirement home, at school, at church, in the center of town. Daily chocolate in the Advent calendar. Excited talk in the playground about what Father Christmas might bring. The house cozy and welcoming, with tinsel draped on every picture frame, a garland swirling around the stairs, baubles spinning on the tree. The anticipation of Christmas morning so great that it made my older brother nauseous, as it did my mother when she was young.

My first truly white Christmas was celebrated in Yamagata, Japan, at the age of twenty-two. We night-skied on empty slopes, bathed our homesickness in hot springs, and cooked a mishmash of winter delights.

Later in my twenties, Christmas was more about office parties and working until the last minute before putting on Chris Rea’s “Driving Home for Christmas” and heading back to family. It was pining for a boyfriend from my childhood bedroom, wondering if I should have bought a home of my own by then.

In my thirties, there were Christmas Eve phone calls from my new love (and soon-to-be husband), followed by post-Christmas getaways to far-flung places. Then marriage, children, and a whole new world of chaos and delight.

Christmas has been a soundtrack to my life, a marker through the decades, ever-evolving but somehow familiar. The traditions we create in our own homes and with our families become part of our legacies. Our Christmas stories are part of us, and as the authors of those stories, it is up to us to choose how they will unfold.

Remembering past Christmases helps us to recognize potential emotional triggers well in advance, and rediscover sources of joy.

CALM CONTEMPLATION: CHRISTMAS PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE

THOUGHTFUL PLANNING

You know that feeling when you are snapped out of a stressful situation by laughter, a kind gesture, or an unexpected occurrence? That is when you open a door to joy. We are all susceptible to tension over Christmas, but there are many opportunities for joyful moments, too. And you can increase their frequency by committing to less, being prepared, spreading out gatherings, delegating, slowing down, and turning chores into mindful exercises or shared activities.

According to a study by the University of Edinburgh, festive stress amounts to more than a little extra pressure. “Christmas hormones”—a potent mix of cortisol, serotonin, and dopamine—race through our bodies, causing highs and lows but mostly chronic fatigue. As the author of the study wrote, “No other event in the calendar has such a deep impact on our behaviour as the annual event called Christmas.”3

So, how do we prepare for it without a frenzied rush that leaves us exhausted at the front door on the big day, oversized glass of wine in hand, grinning through gritted teeth, wondering what just happened to December?

Last year, as December rolled on, I noticed a lot of people asking, “So, are you ready for Christmas?” But what does that actually mean? Are they asking about a checklist of things that have been done: food in the fridge, house swept, Nativity costume made, presents wrapped, Christmas movie schedule highlighted? Or could it be more than that? Could it mean having explored what the season means to you and your loved ones, and having set time aside to honor that in whatever way you choose? Could it mean having steeled your heart for the challenging moments ahead, with a calm mind to take it all in? Could it mean having shifted your view of Christmas, to invite a nourishing season and moments of joy? It’s worth taking a moment to consider what “readying yourself for Christmas” is going to look like this year.

Thoughtful planning can be a powerful antidote to stress. Before you begin, though, let’s establish your overall intention for the season, to make sure you plan for the right things.

CALM CONTEMPLATION: SETTING YOUR INTENTION

Answer the following questions to set your intention for this year’s Christmas:

WHAT IF… ?

Sometimes we rush ahead and make plans on autopilot. Hopefully your Christmas Constellation and intention setting will help you to avoid making that mistake this year. Even so, it is worth taking a moment to ponder some deeper questions, as reflecting on the answers can help to make the season really special.

CALM CONTEMPLATION: WHAT IF… ?

Find a quiet spot and consider the following questions:

SHARED TIME

My older brother and I are shoveling ourselves into our heavy winter coats, small hands searching for the mittens dangling by elastic from the sleeves. We tumble into the back of the old brown Volvo with our Labrador, Meg, and as soon as Mum has tucked our baby brother into the basket on her knee, we’re off.

At first we are loud and fidgety, telling jokes and poking each other in our excitement. “Can we get the tallest one?” we beg in unison, squeezing our faces between the front seats.

“We’ll see,” my parents say, noncommittal but smiling.

After a while, the voices fall away as the hum of the engine lulls us into our respective dreams of Christmas. I trace the shapes of pine trees in the condensation on the window, clearing the glass one finger-swipe at a time to see the town rushing past, making way for villages, then woodland. As we get closer to Ashurst, we’re on the lookout for the hand-painted sign: CHRISTMAS TREES THIS WAY, above a giant arrow pointing to the woods.

“There it is. There it is.”

The trees come in all shapes and sizes. I like the fat ones with lots of room for decorations. Dad suggests getting one a couple of feet taller than our ceiling, so when we cut off the single spindly branch at the top we’ll be left with a fine, plump specimen.

Once the tree has been secured on top of the car, we head back. In the past we have stopped off at a forest pub for a bowl of soup and some chips by the fire, but today we are hurrying home, eager to get the tree indoors so Christmas can begin.

Moments like these make Christmas precious. That’s not just some warm and fuzzy notion; it’s scientific fact. A study in the BMJ (formerly the British Medical Journal) identified a particular network in the brain that is activated by images associated with Christmas. According to the team from the University of Copenhagen who conducted the research, “The network showed a series of cerebral regions that are more active in people who celebrate Christmas with positive associations compared with people with no Christmas traditions [or] neutral associations.”4 So we are actually hardwired to enjoy Christmas.

I think this is what we mean when we use the word “Christmassy” in relation to our anticipation of Christmas. I’m pretty sure I have never used that word when I’m right in the middle of it, tucking into my roast dinner. It’s more subtle than that—the promise of festivities sensed in the air, registered in our brains, held in our hearts. It’s a fluttery sensation that arrives quietly, often during a special moment of shared time.

Creating a simple ritual to mark the threshold between work and the holidays can be deeply rewarding. Last year, after a frenetic period of school-related festive activities, we opted for something easy. On the last day of term we took the girls for a blustery walk by the sea after school, and shared our excitement over hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows. That night, we lit a candle and welcomed our family Christmas. It was a simple but special observance that may, with repetition, become a treasured ritual.

Simplicity, generosity, delight, and belonging are the true touchstones of festive joy.

Sometimes, the most precious moments are unexpected, as Hannah Ross shared with me:

When we adopted our daughter, she arrived home just a few days before Christmas. Her world had been turned upside down, so it was an emotional time. On December 23, we went to a local Korean restaurant. While we waited for the food, she started to cry for her Korean foster mother, so I picked her up and walked back and forth with her as she cried into my neck. She was wearing this cute purple outfit with lambs on it. It snowed that year, and we went for a walk and she kissed me in the snow.

This year, amid your preparations, take a moment to dwell in nostalgia for the past, savor delight in the present, and nourish hope for the future.

SHARING THE LOAD

My mum is a master at turning jobs into games, and Christmas is no exception. As a primary school teacher and avid Christmas-card sender, she usually receives in excess of two hundred cards herself. We help her string them up on red ribbons, then hold a competition to guess how many there are before rushing around to count them. We wear Santa hats and red coats to hand-deliver cards to our neighbors, then claim payment in gingerbread stars.

She involves us in the kitchen too, stirring and rolling and icing, all for the opportunity to lick the spoon.

These days I encourage my own children to participate in all the Christmas preparations. One year, staying in a rented house, we weren’t allowed to affix anything to the wall. So, instead of our usual Advent calendar, we made a pile of tiny envelopes into which we popped sweet treats, secret messages, and other fun things. The girls wrote numbers on them and we put them all in a large wooden bowl with a tangle of fairy lights.

We lit candles every night and the girls took turns blowing them out at the end of each meal. We swapped out their autumnal storybooks for festive wintery tales, and spun yarns while making a wreath for the front door.

Sharing time together, and sharing the load, generates many precious moments at this time of year.

MONEY AND SHOPPING

There is something very special about the way cities come to life each December. According to food writer Tom Parker Bowles, a highlight of Christmas in London in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries was the Frost Fair, held on the frozen Thames. As the medieval bridges were closely packed together, blocks of ice would get lodged between the piers, which encouraged the whole river to freeze. According to Parker Bowles:

The first recorded Fair was in 1607/8, when the ice was not only thick enough for people to wander and skid from Southwark to the City, but sturdy enough to support football pitches, horse and coach races, fruit sellers, street vendors and the odd pub or two. Shopkeepers burned fires in their tents on the ice, and all London plied its trade.5

Festive window displays generously offer inspiration. But when you strip away the decorations, the lights, and the music, the ultimate aim is to part you from your money. An estimated nine out of ten people wake up with a debt hangover each January,6 while nearly 60 percent of households say they make sacrifices to buy Christmas presents.7

There is a similar story on the other side of the Atlantic. Back in 1988, an article in the Washington Post was titled “Christmas Run Amok: Our Gift-Giving Has Gotten Out of Hand.”8 More than thirty years on, the annual bill for Christmas shopping in the United States is around $1 trillion.9

“Money Saving Expert” Martin Lewis encourages people to stop buying gifts for anyone outside their immediate family. He recently lamented:

Many people feel obliged to buy gifts for others that they know they won’t use with money they don’t have, and cause themselves stress they don’t need… It is time for us to get off this gift-giving treadmill. I think sometimes the best gift is releasing others from the obligation of having to give to you… Less pressure, less cost, less debt… more joy.10

By releasing yourself from all of those unnecessary gift-giving obligations—to distant relatives, children of friends, and everyone in your office, for example—you do your bank account a big favor and give a priceless gift to a large group of people who no longer feel obliged to buy for you.

And it’s not just the gifts. We also spend vast amounts of money on decorations, food, and travel, much of which we don’t even categorize as Christmas spending.

Although it is hard to escape retail pressure, there are things we can do. I received a post-Christmas sale notice in my inbox on December 17 last year, which prompted me to unsubscribe from nearly every promotional email.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t buy anything. I love a Christmas market or street strung with Christmas lights as much as the next person, but let’s not be naive to the manipulation. We must choose what we want to experience, buy, give, or simply leave on the shelf.

Personally, I cringe every time a news headline announces with great solemnity that another retail giant has suffered a slight decline in sales growth (which means its sales are still growing, albeit not quite as fast as they were last year). Who decided it’s a bad thing that more of us are buying from independent shops, handmade gifts, making presents ourselves, or simply spending less than we once did? Who said we shouldn’t focus on our mental health and keep our stress levels low by buying at small, local independent shops or online instead of jostling with other irate shoppers in noisy, airless shopping malls?

This year, impose some boundaries on your shopping and spending and see the difference it makes to your well-being.

HOW TO SPEND LESS THIS CHRISTMAS

If you want to reduce your Christmas spending, drafting a budget is essential. There is something about the word “budget” that makes many of us shudder. Perhaps it sounds miserly or restrictive? This year, try to think of it in a different way—as a voluntary constraint that will allow your creativity to flourish, and help you to do what you love.

Use the following prompts to help manage your spending:

1. Before looking ahead to work out a budget for this year, look back at last year and calculate what you spent. This might be painful, but it is essential, and ultimately it can be motivating. Get out your old bank and credit card statements and estimate what you spent on:

Now add it all up. You’ll probably be shocked, but that’s okay.

2. If someone gave you that amount of money right now, no strings attached, what difference would it make in your life, or in the life of someone you love? What experiences might you try? What dreams would you pursue? What support could you offer someone else?

3. With this in mind, channel any regret or frustration into a commitment to spend wisely this year. Decide on a figure that you are happy to spend—one that will not leave you feeling stressed or overextended. Write it down. If you feel unable to pluck a number out of thin air, calculate 0.5–1.2 percent of your annual income. This will give you a rough idea of the average cost of Christmas for people in your income bracket.11 Of course, you are not obliged to spend that, but it can be a useful guide.

4. Reduce the figure you have calculated by 10 percent, in anticipation of a budget overrun, which often happens.

5. Now comes the fun part. Work out how you are going to create a mindful, meaningful, and memorable Christmas within your budget. If you start with what you are willing to spend, rather than buy first and add up later, you will feel much better come January.

6. Calculate what you expect to save compared to last year, then translate that into something that would mean a lot to you or someone else. For example, if you can spend 30 percent less than you did last year, you could finally enroll in that creative writing course you have been longing to take, pay off a chunk of debt, or start a savings account for a young relative. Either note down your goal or create an image that represents how you’ll feel when you have achieved it, then put the slip of paper in your purse or wallet. Whenever you are tempted to buy something unnecessary, it will be right there to remind you precisely why you are being more careful this year.

Ten Ways to Reduce Spending at Christmas   Images

1. Create a budget.

2. Call a halt to unnecessary gift-giving. Buy for fewer people, and less for everyone. You’ll be surprised how many people are grateful that they don’t have to buy you something in return.

3. Consider what you might give—your time, skills, creativity, or attention—in place of merchandise (see Chapter 4).

4. Write down gift ideas for the people who are still on your list. As you buy or make their presents, check them off so you don’t double up. When you are looking for specific gifts, shop around and take advantage of seasonal bargains, but don’t get sucked into buying anything you don’t need just because it’s on sale.

5. Simplify your gatherings. Hold winter picnics rather than lavish dinners, or invite guests to contribute something (see Chapter 5).

6. If possible, don’t buy on credit, unless you can pay it off immediately. Instead, use Christmas funds that you have built up over the year. It feels more real that way, and you avoid the debt hangover.

7. Avoid expensive annual rituals, such as taking the whole family to the ballet, unless those events are a true source of joy.

8. When you are ready to wrap, spread out all the presents on a table or the floor and check what you have bought or made for each person. Now assess each gift. If you realize the gift is not right, return the item for a refund.

9. Stay offline as much as possible. There were 34 percent more online shopping searches on Christmas Day than Black Friday in 2016,12 and retailers don’t take a break from aggressive marketing over the holidays.

10. If you have a partner or children, discuss your plans with them.

7. If difficult feelings about money arise, acknowledge them, but then return to your Constellation and your budget to remind yourself why you are doing things differently.

8. Whenever you go shopping, compile a list and stick to it, compare prices, and try not to get distracted. When you are tempted to buy something, pause for a moment and ask yourself if it supports your intention for Christmas this year. When shopping online, leave the items in your cart for a while before checking out. Ensure that all of your purchases are mindful (see Chapter 4) and that your spending correlates with your Constellation.

9. Keep a record as you shop, and celebrate when you stay within your budget.

CLAIMING CHRISTMAS

It takes confidence and courage to make changes to something that has been done the same way for years or even decades. But I urge you to take the plunge for the sake of all your future Christmases.

By now, I hope you are starting to feel calmer about the onset of Christmas, and less overwhelmed by the prospect of planning, spending, and gift-giving. But this, in itself, is not enough to ensure a truly calm Christmas and a season of festive joy.

Before everything else, we must take care of ourselves.

Without a strong foundation of nourishment, rest, and self-care, even the most meticulously laid plans will soon unravel. So, in the next chapter, we step away from planning and into the natural flow of the season as we explore comfort and joy in the depths of winter.