So, here we are, in the quiet moments before the turn of the year. It’s a natural time for reflection. But we must proceed with care. Depending on the kind of year we have had, unstructured reflection can lead us down the road of wallowing and regret as we think about missed opportunities, disappointments, strained relationships, and all the other challenges life has thrown our way. By contrast, constructive reflection enables us to learn from those same experiences and guides us towards a more hopeful New Year.
Taking stock in a meaningful way also highlights the goodness, love, and beauty that are already present in our lives. The contentment that arises from this knowledge will be a good friend throughout the upcoming year.
For the last decade or so, my husband and I have set aside time during the Hush to review the previous year and plan for the next. We do this individually, then bring our respective thoughts to the kitchen table over a bottle of wine, or next to a roaring fire in a country pub, and talk them through. Before I met Mr. K, I did my own version of this each year, using it as an opportunity to check in with myself, recalibrate, and sometimes change course.
Our priorities have evolved over the years, but this is always when we have some of our deepest, most candid discussions about life, marriage, family, work, where and how we live, what we are building, and how we are doing. Almost every major decision we have made since we met can be traced back to the conversations we have had during the Hush.
Now it’s your turn. Together we will reflect constructively on the year gone by, then use that information to visualize where you want to go in the future and how to progress in ways that will nurture your well-being, build your confidence, and carry you forward in the direction of your dreams. You can do this alone or with a partner, with an accountability buddy or with your whole family.
First, though, it’s time to look briefly to the recent past. This is a three-part process:
Below, you will find several sets of questions that will help you squeeze all the goodness out of your experiences over the past twelve months and extract helpful information from the challenges you faced.
Visit your favorite café, order a pot of coffee, and sit by a window, or pack this book into a rucksack and take it for a long hike. Do whatever works for you. The important thing is to make a start.
A word of warning: you will probably find some of the questions quite difficult. But just take it easy, be honest, and don’t give yourself a hard time. Take as long as you need. Do a little today and a little tomorrow, if you prefer. Allow your thoughts to spill onto the page uncensored, and really listen to what your inner voice has to say. You will soon learn that you are your own best guide. Don’t judge yourself. Look for patterns. Keep track of how you feel as everything comes pouring out. Your emotions are a clue to what matters most to you. If you find anything too hard to handle on your own, try talking it over with a friend or reach out for professional support.
A lot can happen in a year, good and bad. We are all juggling so many commitments, obligations, and responsibilities that it can sometimes pass by in a blur. December can come around again before we know it. And when we do reflect on what has happened, we often focus exclusively on the highest highs and the lowest lows, while neglecting the subtle, nuanced ebbs and flows of everyday life that comprise the vast majority of our experiences each year.
This exercise is all about understanding what really happened last year and learning how it affected your mood and confidence, while honoring the past twelve months of life.
Theme |
JAN |
FEB |
MAR |
APR |
MAY |
JUN |
Home |
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Work |
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Change |
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Growth |
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Ups |
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Downs |
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JUL |
AUG |
SEP |
OCT |
NOV |
DEC |
Home |
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Work |
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Change |
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Growth |
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Ups |
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Downs |
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Now take a look at the snapshot of your year and note where your eyes and heart are drawn. Make some notes in your journal in response to the following questions:
1. Are there any patterns of positives or negatives at certain times of the year?
2. How were you affected by major changes?
3. What personal growth was initiated by your own actions?
4. What growth was prompted by external influences?
5. How did you cope with any challenges that arose?
6. What blessings did the year bring, and how did you celebrate them?
7. How did the year feel? Did the days drag on or fly by? Did you feel like you were always running just to stand still? Or did the year have a good rhythm? Would you like more of the same in the year ahead, or a different pace?
8. Overall, how would you rate the year?
Now it’s time to move on to more specific questions.
Constructive reflection begins with looking at your year through a lens of grace. Imagine helping a cherished friend with this exercise: you would be kind, thoughtful, and gentle. Show yourself the same consideration.
This will enable you to find the answers that will nourish your spirit and open your heart. In turn, it will pave the way for authentic visioning ahead. View your answers as valuable information to help you move forward, not opportunities for judgment or evidence of failure.
Write your immediate response to each of the following questions—literally the first thing that comes to mind. It may help to cover the list with a sheet of paper and move it down one line at a time, so your eyes aren’t tempted to glance at what’s coming next.
Over the previous twelve months, what did you:
1. Get curious about?
2. Get over?
3. Get good at?
4. Embrace?
5. Rediscover?
6. Surrender to?
7. Sacrifice?
8. Sideline?
9. Survive?
10. Celebrate?
Approach the next two sets of questions in a different way. Refer back to your map of the year for guidance if necessary, and take a little more time over each one.
1. What did this year teach you about your capacity for courage? What risks did you take? How did they work out?
2. What did this year teach you about relationships, love, and your capacity for forgiveness?
3. What particular synchronicities did you notice?
4. Where did you bring light to the darkness for someone?
5. When were you generous, and how did that serve you?
6. Did you neglect yourself in any way? Was there a time when you did not allow yourself something you needed? If a similar situation arises this year, what will you tell yourself?
7. Of all the places where you spent time, which environment made you feel most calm? Where did you have your best ideas?
8. What changes did you notice in your loved ones?
9. What went on in the world that really affected you? What did that teach you about your role in wider society?
10. What did this year teach you about the preciousness of life?
This year:
1. What did you create or make happen?
2. What brought you the most satisfaction?
3. What was money well spent? And when did you waste money?
4. What was the best use of your time and energy? And where did you waste time and energy?
5. What was a real success for you? Why? What did you learn from that?
6. What didn’t work out as you had hoped? Why? What did you learn from that?
7. What or who was a challenge? Why? What did you learn from that?
8. What was the single most important thing you did for your physical health?
9. What was the single most important thing you did for your mental health?
10. Looking back, if you could sum up the year in a single word, what would it be?
Now that you have reflected on and analyzed this past year, it’s time to let go of anything you don’t want to carry with you into the next.
Tear a sheet of paper into several small pieces. Write one thing you wish to leave behind on each one.
Think about:
Take a moment to consider what you might be making room for when you let these things go.
Next, you can make a small altar from a candle and a circle of stones or other natural objects. Alternatively, you could build a bonfire. Then, one by one, burn the small pieces of paper. As you release each one, put your hand over your heart and feel the burden ebbing away. You may want to do this in silence, or give thanks for what each one has taught you. Or you could simply screw up the pieces of paper and throw them in the bin. It’s the commitment to releasing them that matters.
As the year draws to a close, I encourage you to consider your own vulnerability. When have you allowed yourself to be vulnerable over the past twelve months, and what did you learn in the process?
My friend Sas Petherick, a self-doubt researcher, had a medical procedure last Christmas that changed so much for her, but not in the way you might expect.
Sas’s mother and grandmother both had a congenital heart defect and died in their fifties. Sas has the same condition, so for years she assumed she would suffer the same fate. However, just before Christmas, she had emergency surgery and a groundbreaking robotic device was fitted to her heart. Now, her prognosis is excellent:
It’s as though there is now a line on the map of my life—a border crossing into this new territory I find myself in. My earliest memory is of my first heart surgery, and the expectation that I would only live until my fifties has long been a shadowy undercurrent. It’s driven me to pack a lot in. After walking right up to the edge of everything, I’ve found that on the other side is not an early death, but a long life. I’m in uncharted territory. I am trying to be interested in who I am now.
I love this notion of “trying to be interested in who I am now.” It’s so refreshing when we spend so much of our time looking to the future and to who we might become.
For the final part of your reflecting and releasing process, take a few moments to tune in to your heart-wisdom and consider the following questions:
With the answers fresh in your mind, it’s time to start making a plan.