CHAPTER FIVE

Jordon was standing outside, waiting for me as I drove up. “You’re late,” he said as he got in.

“I know,” I grumbled. My father had made one last effort to get me to do something with my summer. He wasn’t pushing for anything specific, but he really wanted me to be active. I tried to explain I wanted to rest that summer, take time off from academic battles before I had to face any more, but he had trouble accepting it. Dad eased through school; I don’t think he stayed up one night cramming for a test. I spent more nights cramming than sleeping, I think. All I wanted to do with my summer was sleep, but I couldn’t put it to him quite that bluntly, so I gave him the line about reading more, and going to some movies in the city, now that I could drive there. Dad obviously wasn’t happy about it, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it since for once in my life I was determined. I am the least determined person I know. I can be talked into doing anything, especially by my parents. But I insisted on being lazy for the rest of July and all of August. If Dad didn’t like it, he could look the other way. Dad respected my determination; he just thought I should be determined about something else. Dad’s all for determination.

“I thought we could go to a movie,” Jordon said.

“No,” I said.

“Oh,” he said. “Well that’s okay. I couldn’t have afforded it anyway.”

“Don’t you have any money?” I asked, and started driving toward town. I didn’t know where else to drive.

“No,” Jordon said. “My parents aren’t giving me any.”

“None?”

“Absolutely none. All I get is what Jonny slips me, which isn’t very much. I won’t take very much from him. Just what I think I deserve.”

“Why don’t you get a job for the summer?” I asked. “Then you’ll have money.”

“I don’t want to,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I work hard enough the rest of the year not to give up my summer too. Besides, it annoys my parents to see me lying around.”

“I’d think you’d want to do as little as possible to annoy your parents.”

“You don’t understand,” Jordon said, and made no effort to explain.

“Is it because Jonny’s not working?” I asked.

“It has nothing to do with Jonny,” Jordon said. “You know, I don’t run my life according to what Jonny’s doing.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I got that impression somehow.”

“Well, forget it,” he said, and I could tell he was annoyed. I decided to remember that, in case I ever wanted to get him annoyed.

“If we’re not going to a movie, what are we going to do?” I asked.

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I hadn’t given it much thought.”

“Think about it,” he said, and stretched out as much as a tall person can stretch out in a front seat of a Volkswagen.

“Jordon Stapleton, you are the rudest person I have ever met,” I said, all in a rush.

“Are we back to good taste?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Please, no.”

“We could have a cup of coffee and talk,” he said.

“No,” I said. “I’m tired of talking.”

“You mean of listening.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I’m tired of listening.”

“Any parties going on tonight?”

“None that I know of.”

“Positive about a movie?”

“Absolutely positive.”

“We could check in at a motel,” he said.

“Jordon!” I said.

“Well, there’s nothing else to do,” he said. “And we’re going to do it eventually, so why waste time.”

“Because I believe in wasting time,” I said.

“Bad taste?” he asked.

“Taste has nothing to do with it,” I said.

Jordon laughed. “All right,” he said. “It was just a suggestion.”

“Besides,” I said. “How do you know we’re going to end up lovers?”

“Instinct,” he said. “You want it and I want it.”

“What makes you so sure I want it?” I asked.

“The fact that you’re here tonight,” he said. “Instead of with Jonny. Not that you and Jonny wouldn’t have ended up lovers. It just takes him longer.”

“We don’t have any luggage,” I said.

“There are places in this town where you don’t need any.”

“You sound like you’ve been to most of them,” I said, trying to decide what I was going to do.

“I have,” he said.

It wasn’t a boast, which bothered me. I could have handled a boast. Not that I liked the way he’d said it. A little too sure of himself. “No,” I said. “Not tonight.”

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t push it.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Some other time perhaps.”

We both laughed. “It’s okay, really,” he said. “I’ve been turned down before.”

“I should hope so,” I said.

“Not in sex,” he said. “At least not very often. Just in general.”

“We all have,” I said.

“No,” he said. “There are people who never have.”

I couldn’t tell whether he meant me or Jonny, but I knew I didn’t want the topic to get back to Jonny, so I decided to act like he meant me. “I was turned down by Cornell,” I said. “And I wanted to be editor of the yearbook, only they put me in charge of girls’ sports instead, which is about as low as you can get, and I didn’t want to take it, but Mom and Dad gave me the whole responsibility lecture, so I gave in. It hurt though. And my mother never has the time to go to mother-daughter things. I wasn’t the only kid who didn’t go to them, but it always bothered me.”

“Like I said,” Jordon said, “there are some people who never have.”

It was an inadequate list, I decided. I tried to think of something to make it stronger, but nothing came to mind.

“There was one Christmas,” Jordon said, and I knew I didn’t want to hear it. “I was real young, maybe seven, and I was being punished for something minor, because when I was seven I was sticking to only mildly bad things. I think I’d killed Jonny’s turtle, but I’m not sure.”

“That’s not minor,” I said.

“It is compared to what I was doing at eight,” he said. “Anyway, my parents took all the presents they’d bought for me and gave them to Jonny. I didn’t get anything that Christmas. That’s being turned down.”

“That’s awful,” I said, and took a deep breath. “Poor Jonny.”

“Jonny?” Jordon asked.

I was disappointed. If he’d yelped “Jonny” I could have dealt a lot better with things. But he said it so sadly that my stomach still hurt.

“Yes, Jonny,” I said, trying to get control. “That’s an awful position to put a five-year-old in. I bet he tried to give you back everything.”

“You’re wrong,” Jordon said. “He kept it all.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I am not. Jonny’s a nice guy, but he was only five, and he was delighted. He didn’t know what was going on.”

“He must have,” I said.

“Maybe he did,” Jordon said. “But I don’t think so. I think if Jonny had known, he would have given me the stuff, or at least tried to. I don’t think I would have taken it. I had a lot of pride when I was seven.”

“And you don’t any more?”

“No,” Jordon said. “Pride’s something I lost along the way.”

I tried a little laugh. “Come on, Jordon,” I said. “You’re not exactly the humblest person I’ve ever met.”

“No, I’m not humble,” Jordon said. “But there’s a difference between pride and conceit. I have lots of conceit, but no pride. You need to like yourself to have pride.”

“One of the seven deadly sins,” I said.

“I have the other six,” Jordon said. “There’s no point missing one.”

“You have a lot of guts for someone with no pride,” I said, only inside I was asking myself how we’d gotten into the one subject I was absolutely determined not to get onto for the entire evening and maybe the entire summer with any luck.

“Yeah,” Jordon said. “I haven’t given up, and when you haven’t given up but you have no faith in yourself, you have to depend on guts. That’s just the way it is.”

“Well,” I said. “We still haven’t decided what we’re going to do tonight.”

“Yes we have,” he said.

“Oh,” I said. “When?”

“When you said we don’t have any luggage.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, we don’t.”

“Have you ever made love in the back seat of a Volkswagen?” Jordon asked.

“No,” I said.

“You’re lucky,” he said. “It’s very uncomfortable. Have you ever made love?”

“No,” I said.

“Oh,” he said. “Then you definitely don’t want to do it in the back seat of a Volkswagen.”

“Where do you suggest,” I said.

“I don’t have the money for a motel,” he said, and smiled. “It was a bluff.”

I laughed. “Then we might as well give up on the idea.”

“Quitters never win,” he said. “As it happens …”

“Somehow I knew something was going to happen,” I said.

“My parents have a little cottage a few acres from the house,” he continued. “I’m not sure what it was originally; it’s too small for guests, but it’s just the right size for us.”

“I am not about to drive to your house and go through your front gate, right past Jonny and your parents to make love in some little cottage,” I said very fast.

“There’s a back entrance,” he said. “And you don’t need luggage.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to think.

“I’m not forcing you,” he said.

“No,” I said. “I know you’re not. It’s just it’s so fast, so definite.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m a little startled myself. But I feel this incredibly strong thing for you, Paula. And maybe I’m wrong, but I get the same feeling from you. Very strong, very real.”

“Yes,” I said. I wasn’t sure I wanted to label it, but I knew I felt something intense about Jordon.

“I’m not going to say it’s love,” he said. “Love isn’t my strongest subject. But I want to make love to you, and that’s something. Lots of times I just feel obliged.”

“Let’s go to the cottage and decide there,” I said, but even as I said it, I knew the decision had been made. I U-turned, and drove out of town, back to the Stapleton house. Jordon and I didn’t talk until we got there.

The cottage wasn’t much, but it was private, and had a couple of blankets (presumably left by one or the other of the Stapleton boys for rendezvous like this), and I wanted Jordon very much, and it was all right. Not much better than that but Sandy said you have to develop a taste for sex, so I wasn’t too worried. Jordon looked more than happy; he looked content, not smug but at peace, and that pleased me. We slept for a little bit, and then I woke up and realized I had to get home. I shook him awake.

“What?” he asked.

“I’m going now,” I said. “I have to get home.”

“Oh,” he said. “Can you give me a lift to the house?”

“Sure,” I said.

We got up and dressed quickly, then got into the car. During the two minutes in the car, I wanted Jordon to say a lot of things, but he kept quiet, and so did I. After I let him out, he walked over to my side, stuck his head through the window and kissed me.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You walk exactly the same.”

I laughed, and kissed him again. “When will I see you?” I asked.

“Tomorrow,” he said. “And the day after that. You’ll get sick of seeing me before the summer’s over.”

“Probably,” I said, but I smiled at him, and watched him walk to his house. He walked very slowly, as though he was fighting the idea of going in.

I wasn’t that happy about going home myself, but everybody was asleep, which made me feel better. My parents were not opposed to premarital sex, I knew. They’d known about Marion and Gary, after all. But I still felt guilty. It was like my movie magazines. My parents couldn’t object, but they’d sure want to. It was better if they didn’t know.

That didn’t stop me from calling Sandy. It was close to 2 A.M. but I knew she’d be awake, and would want to know.

She answered on the first ring, which made me feel better, since I didn’t want to wake the rest of her family. “Hello?” she said.

“Sandy? Paula. Guess what?”

“What?” she said. “And it’d better be good.”

“I am no longer a virgin,” I declared. “I mean I’m not. I mean, I made love tonight.”

“Very good,” she said. “With Jonny? I didn’t think he’d work so fast.”

“No,” I said, and didn’t feel so good any more. “With Jordon.”

“Paula, you astound me,” Sandy said. “I figured you and Jonny would get something going eventually, but I never suspected you and Jordon.”

“You haven’t met either of them,” I said. “And you sound like you could analyze them both.”

“I probably can,” she said. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It hurt a little.”

“That’s not bad,” she said. “I ached for three days. Mom thought I’d gone crazy.”

“I’m not telling my parents or Marion,” I said. “Well, maybe Marion sometime, but not my parents.”

“I should hope not,” she said. “Parents don’t like to know things like that. Even good parents like yours. They’re happier not knowing.”

“That’s the way I see it,” I said. “Sandy, I think I love Jordon.”

“Love complicates things,” she said. “You’d be better off with raw passion your first time.”

“That entered into it,” I said, and giggled. “Sandy, I feel so happy.”

“I’m glad,” she said.

“But I need a doctor. I don’t mind gambling once, but could you suggest someone? I mean I am not about to get pregnant. That would be disastrous.”

“Don’t go on pills,” she said. “They’re awful. They destroy your insides. Once you get this little fling out of your system, you’ll settle down into domesticity, and you’ll want a healthy interior.”

“I agree,” I said. “Not about getting married immediately, but the rest of it.”

“A diaphragm probably. I’ll give you my gyno’s name. He’s in the city.”

“I know, but I can’t go to anybody here. They all know Dad.”

“Dr. Sherman Morris,” she said. “Three-five-five-nine-six-nine-one. He’s very nice.”

“Thanks,” I said. “You’re a true friend.”

“Well, I told you right after it happened to me,” Sandy said. “You weren’t much help though.”

“I was horrified. You were a baby.”

“No,” she said. “You were a baby. You have to be able to handle it. I could. You can now. That’s what’s so nice.”

“You have to meet him,” I said. “I’m not sure you’ll like him though.”

“That sounds promising,” she said.

“He’s difficult,” I said. “You have to be able to see through his difficultness for him to be worthwhile. I can, but you might not.”

“I’ll take my chances,” she said. “Look, I’m getting tired.”

“Right,” I said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she said. “Good night. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Good night.”

The next morning, I called Dr. Morris and made an appointment for Friday afternoon at three. I decided I would tell Jordon we couldn’t do anything until then, just to be on the safe side. I was sure he’d be understanding. Underneath all that bitterness, I knew Jordon was really very gentle and loving. He just needed someone to get through, so he could let out all that pain and be the loving person he really was. I told Sandy all that in great detail the first thing the next morning. She listened very patiently, because I listen very patiently when she discusses her boyfriends, except that she usually tears them apart. Sandy doesn’t enter into her love affairs with illusions. The guy’s always no damned good to start out with, and she’s always right. But even so, she owed me a lot of listening hours, which she admitted, and said all the right words as I told her about Jordon and what an intense, powerful person he was.

I couldn’t wait to test my gentle theory out on him, and decided that waiting until Friday would be the proof. Jordon, I realized, could talk me into almost anything, especially if that’s what I wanted to do anyway, but much as I wanted to make love before Friday, I had to get a diaphragm first. It would be the perfect test of Jordon’s goodness, if he agreed without a fight to waiting.

I didn’t have a chance to test him out. He didn’t call or come over until late Saturday afternoon.