by Rue Kream
“School was the unhappiest time of my life and the worst trick it ever played on me was to pretend that it was the world in miniature. For it hindered me from discovering how lovely and delightful and kind the world can be, and how much of it is intelligible.”
– E. M. Forester
Don’t you worry that your kids will be unprepared when the time comes for them to leave the nest? What about college? I don’t see how my kids will be prepared for the real world if they don’t go to school, and I can’t imagine dealing with a teenager at home all the time.
Our goal is that there will not be a particular moment when our children must suddenly be pushed from the nest. Our hope is that, by allowing our children to seek out and take responsibility in their own time with our guidance and support, but not pressure, they will experience a smoother transition into adulthood and will think of us as a safety net rather than an obstacle.
The problems of a typical teen/parent relationship are created in large part by the dynamics inherent in a system that separates parents and children from the time the child turns five years old (or often earlier). It is very difficult to retain a connected relationship when the amount of time spent together is so minimal and is so often spent in preparation for the next day’s tasks. Add to that the fact that a mainstream teenager has little to no control over her own life or time, has little opportunity to pursue what interests her, is dealing with the flood of emotions that hormones bring, is put on a schedule that does not permit her the sleep her body needs, and lives in a society that encourages her to pull away from her parents at a certain age whether she wants to or not, and you have a recipe for unhappiness.
Our society has choreographed a “typical” progression from child to adult, and expects all teenagers to travel the same path. A person who doesn’t feel comfortable on that path is a rebel or a delinquent. A child who is not ready to move on as quickly as another child might be is perceived as immature or spoiled or “slow”. A child who is ready to move on more quickly than others has no opportunity to do so. Unschooling gives each child the time and the room to follow her own path and to travel that path with the loving support and companionship of her family.
The groundwork we lay with our kids when they are young is vitally important to our future relationships. The relationships I have with Dagny and Rowan are open, honest, and respectful. We have our difficult moments, just as anyone in a relationship does, but overall it’s a pleasure to spend time with them. I have no reason to believe that will change at any particular “teen” age. We will ride the swells of hormones and growing pains together, and each of them will leave the nest in her own time and way.
I do not worry that they will be unprepared, because I trust that they will know when the time is right. They will have spent a lifetime making their own decisions about what they are capable of. Just as they knew when they were ready to tie their shoes, take off their training wheels, or watch a scary movie, they will know when they are ready to fly. They aren’t in preparation for anything. They live in the real world right now, and it is a wonderful, amazing, challenging, beautiful, extraordinary place.
In Teach Your Own, John Holt wrote, “I used to say, and say now, that a college degree isn’t a magic passkey that opens every door in town. It opens only a few, and before you spend a lot of time and money getting one of those keys, it’s a good idea to find out what doors it opens (if any), and what’s on the other side of those doors, and to decide whether you like what’s on the other side, and if you do, whether there may not be an easier way to get there.” Rowan and Dagny will decide for themselves whether college is the way to get where they want to go.
When people say that school prepares children for the real world, what’s implied is that it is the difficult parts of school (doing things you don’t want to do, forced interaction with peers, following rules that you don’t believe in) that are important. What’s implied is that the real world is going to be an unhappy place and that being treated unfairly by people is a part of life.
The real world is what we make it.
It may be a part of life in school, but it is not a part of our lives. School is as far away from the real world as possible. In school we learn that we cannot control our own destinies and that it is acceptable to let others govern our lives. In the real world we can take responsibility for choosing our own paths and governing our own lives. The real world is what we make it. As unschoolers we can choose to make it fascinating and loving and peaceful, and we can immerse ourselves in it every day.
I believe that having your time regulated by bells, eating on a schedule, having very little privacy or opportunity for self-determination, having to ask permission to perform bodily functions, and having to think on command, causes nothing but a feeling of fear when you are finally let loose into the world. It does nothing to help you to live a joyful life.
No adult is forced to sit when she wants to run, listen when she wants to sing, draw when she wants to read, or be inside when she wants to be outside. The real lessons that children learn in school do nothing to improve their lives as adults and do much to hinder a joyful childhood. In The Six-Lesson Schoolteacher, John Taylor Gatto (New York City Teacher of the Year in 1990) lists the six lessons he believes are really taught in school:
These are lessons that an unschooled child never learns, and not one of them will help a child live in joy or contribute to her growing up to be a happy and autonomous adult.
© 2005 Rue Kream