making mindfulness stick
integrating short practices into the day
Mindfulness isn’t difficult; we just need to remember to do it.
SHARON SALZBERG, Real Happiness
Asking kids to practice mindfulness on their own may feel like a leap of faith. Our own self-doubt may return: Will they ever do this on their own? If they do, will they want to talk about it? Will their friends make fun of them? Again, trust the practices, trust yourself, and most of all, trust them. Create the space for growth but do not force it. If your kids are really resisting independent practice, just continue practicing together with them and cultivate mindfulness within the larger community, while returning to the well of your own practice.
The key to encouraging independent practice is to keep it both simple and fun. Recently I heard someone say, “You have to breathe and walk anyway. You might as well try to make it interesting.” By some reports, we breathe up to 30,000 times a day, so we can probably make at least a few of those more mindful. If you are with a group of kids, the social reinforcement may help, as kids will likely want to join the follow-up discussion and share their experiences. This is especially true if they can express themselves creatively, through artwork, writing, or singing. I like to joke, “When the homework is to do nothing, it can’t be that bad.” We can also bring mindful attention to parts of the daily routine, like walking and eating, and we can break automatic habits—by, for example, brushing teeth with the nondominant hand—or find short, simple practices to integrate into life.
Factors like kids’ experience, attention span, learning style, and existing mental or physical conditions, along with the culture and setting you’re in, come into play when deciding what practices to suggest.
Short Moments, Many Times
The moment . . . doesn’t last very long by itself, but that’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to try to prolong that moment; rather, repeat it many times—“short moments, many times.”
LAMA TULKU URGYEN RINPOCHE, As It Is
We don’t necessarily have time for extended mindfulness practices every day, but using short practices throughout the day will reinforce the lessons of our longer practices. Many of the short practices in this chapter are good ones for kids to do independently. The idea is to help kids bring short check-in practices into their daily lives at key or easy-to-remember times.
STOP AND TAKE A CUE FROM DAILY LIFE
Together with your kids, pick one or two regular times of day or signals to be reminder times, and one or two practices to do during those times, and build from there.
A number of years ago I worked with a teenage girl named Allegra, who had tremendous anxiety about school. She often missed the first few periods of the day because of stomachaches and anxiety, especially if math was the first class. Our goal was to find a way for her to make contact with the present moment and check in with herself and her mood, and then find a way for her to relax on the way to school, to make the day ahead more manageable. The practice time we picked was her walk to school and, more specifically, the times she encountered stop signs along the way. These signs became her reminders to check in mindfully with her experience and calm herself. The practice was simple: at every stop sign she would do the mindful STOP practice, which was popularized by Elisha Goldstein.
STOP is a quick acronym practice. Though it takes easily less than a minute, it enables us to mindfully check in with ourselves and our surroundings. At every stop sign, Allegra would:
stop what she was doing (assuming it was safe to do so), take a breath,
observe what was happening, including what was happening inside her and what was happening around her, then plan what to do next, and proceed with the activity.
The STOP practice didn’t completely resolve Allegra’s anxiety, but as she slowed down, she was able to bring more awareness to her anxiety in the present moment. If her anxiety was high on a particular day, Allegra would do a breathing practice or another self-soothing practice to help lower it, and then continue her walk to school. She’s now in college and doing well, attending all of her classes, and she has even passed her math requirement.
On mindfulness retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh, a bell is rung every so often as a reminder to take three mindful breaths. After a few days, everyone automatically begins mindful breathing at the sound of the mindfulness bell. (For a few weeks after the retreat, the sound of any bell has the same effect.)
I did play therapy a few years ago with one charming seven-year-old girl who was curious about the meditation chimes I keep on my desk (a good reason to leave them out). We decided that if, at any point in the session, she got up and rang the bell, I would take three deep breaths, and she would take one. At first I thought she might get silly or distracted by the chimes, and she would occasionally. But for the most part, she took them seriously, and we had even more fun in our sessions. Her mom agreed to try the mindfulness chimes practice at home when they are playing together.
Ron Epstein, a researcher and mindfulness practitioner I saw speak recently, told us, “Between patients, when you open the door, touch the doorknob mindfully. Repeat ten thousand times.” Inspired by this suggestion, another young woman I work with, who deals with chronic mild anxiety, uses the doorknob as a reminder to check in with her body and mind. Her practice is to notice how her body feels every time she touches a doorknob when leaving a room and to check in with how her mind and emotions feel every time she enters a room. We joke that on stressful days she drinks a lot of water to make sure she needs to go to the bathroom a few extra times, giving her more opportunities to leave and enter rooms.
The point is, if you or your kids think you don’t have time for even a little mindfulness practice, think again. There are endless little moments in our everyday lives that we can make into mindfulness cues or mindful moments. Below is a list of 101.
The temptation is to choose a lot of moments, but I encourage you to pick just one or two, pair them with a simple informal practice for a week or so, and build from there. Keep in mind that new practices are most likely to stick when they are connected to activities that the kid is already doing as part of their routine.
Kids can take an opportunity to be mindful whenever they are reminded by the following:
1. Lying in bed first thing in the morning, just before getting up
2. Waiting for the bathtub to fill or the shower to warm up
3. Sitting at a stoplight
4. Riding between stations on the subway
5. While attendance is taken at school
6. Waiting for a video game to load
7. Waiting for a website to load or an application to open
8. Waiting for the toast to pop out of the toaster, or the microwave to chime
9. Sitting in a time out
10. Waiting for the bus, the subway, or a ride
11. Waiting to stand up at the end of a flight or bus ride
12. Waiting for everyone else to arrive in a room or at a table
13. Sitting in a waiting room
14. Waiting for the printer to print
15. Standing in line
16. Waiting for the Wi-Fi to connect
17. Waiting for a computer to start up
18. Waiting for their turn in a game
19. Waiting for the gas tank of the car to fill
20. Waiting for coffee to brew or tea to steep
21. Waiting for advertisements on TV or a website video to end
22. Waiting for a chat or reply from a friend
23. Waiting to cross the street
24. Dropping a letter into a mailbox
They might pause for a short mindfulness practice every time they:
25. Walk through a doorway
26. Hear the sound of a text message
27. Hear the chime of a social media alert
28. Hear birds chirping
29. See a certain color you or they have chosen for the day or week
30. Hear a particular word you or they have chosen for the day or week
31. Touch a doorknob
32. See brake lights on the freeway
33. Stand at the bottom of a staircase
34. Hear the ring of a phone
35. Pass a specific landmark, like a certain beautiful tree, on a regular walk or drive
36. Touch a light switch
37. Walk or drive by a stop sign
38. See or hear an airplane flying overhead
39. Hear car horns blare in the distance
40. Feel wind on their cheek
41. Turn a faucet handle
42. Hear an emergency siren (this also can be an opportunity for a compassion or kind wishes practice)
43. Hear the sound of laughter
44. Glimpse the moon during the daytime
45. Look at their watch or a clock
46. Hear the beeps of a truck backing up
47. Hear the refrigerator or furnace click on
48. Hear the sound of a car starting
49. Take out their dog’s leash or head out with their dog for a walk
50. Plug in or unplug something
51. Sit, stand, or transition between two body positions
52. Give someone a handshake, fist bump, or high five
53. Hear a car alarm in the distance
54. Click a pen
56. Hear their dog bark or their cat meow
57. Put their feet on the floor as they get out of bed
58. Hear the ding of the doorbell
59. Open their wallet
60. Open a book or notebook
61. Notice a certain smell, such as the smell of flowers
62. Hear the sound of a crying baby (this is another good opportunity for a compassion practice)
63. Feel their hand creeping toward their phone
64. See you—their parent, teacher, therapist—hear your voice, pass by your office, or get a message from you
65. Score a point in a game—or having one scored on them
Kids can pause and do a short practice, such as taking a mindful breath or doing a body scan, just before they:
66. Open the lock on their locker
67. Press Play on their iPod
68. Step into a shower stall or bathtub
69. Press an elevator button
70. Open the fridge or a cabinet
71. Put a key in a lock
72. Press the On button on anything
73. Open an envelope
74. Start a walk or hike
75. Open their bag
76. Take the first bite of a meal
77. Settle into homework
78. Click on the TV
79. Feed their pet
80. Press Send on an email or text message
81. Sign their name
You or your kids can designate certain small, everyday actions to be done with mindfulness, such as:
82. Walking a pet
83. Refilling a glass or a water bottle
84. Placing something into the recycling/trash/compost bin
85. Peeling an orange or banana
86. Walking from a parking lot into a building
87. Walking down a hallway
88. Swiping a credit card or subway card
89. Hugging or cuddling someone
90. Loading the laundry into the washer or dryer
91. Putting on socks or tying their shoes
92. Fastening a seatbelt
93. Sharpening a pencil
94. Shaking hands with someone
95. Putting a stamp on a letter
96. Putting money into a vending machine
It can be helpful to do a short mindfulness or self-compassion practice right before any anxiety-producing situation, such as:
97. A big game or performance
98. Walking into a busy cafeteria, classroom, or party
99. Before public speaking
100. Waiting for the teacher to hand out exams
101. Lying in bed at night, waiting to fall asleep
I’m sure you and your kids can easily think of dozens more cues or reminders to pause and be mindful during your everyday lives. And here’s a way to look for them: just notice any time you feel that urge to reach for your phone and check out, and take a moment to mindfully check in first. You can also set alerts on your phones or computers.
TIPS FOR CHOOSING CUES OR MINDFUL MOMENTS
When you’re starting out, it’s helpful to have a consistent time or cue signaling you to do short check-ins with yourself and with your kids. Routine is helpful for kids, as parents and teachers know, and practice at transition times can help. If you work with kids professionally, maybe that means the start or end of a class, activity, or session. When the practices are part of the daily routine and larger culture, kids begin to internalize them. Most importantly, they don’t see practicing mindfulness as weird, and they don’t associate practice with punishment or a problem because they’ve already practiced in hard times and good times.
There are good times of day for practice, but finding the ideal emotional times for mindfulness practice can be challenging. Knowing the emotional rhythms of your kid is important. We want to introduce these practices to the most open mind possible, and the mind is rarely open when we are emotional. When someone is in fight-or-flight mode or otherwise emotionally flooded, there is minimal bandwidth for taking in information that isn’t related to immediate survival, whether it’s information about mindfulness or math. Most kids understand that athletes, musicians, or other performers don’t train only on the day of the competition or concert, but practice and work out for months or years before the big event. Mindfulness practice is like working out for the mind. And in fact, research is showing that even a few moments of daily mindfulness practice is probably better than long stretches of practice done less often.
There are dozens of practices that take a minute or less. The short practices that follow teach elements of mindfulness: awareness, present moment contact, compassion/curiosity. They include check-in and relaxation practices and body, breath, and mental practices.
Different practices will suit different kids or may feel more natural than others. Breath practices can be hard for anxious kids or those with attention issues; movement practices or practices that use external anchors might be preferable. Body awareness can be very helpful, but it’s not an ideal starting point for kids who have negative associations with their body, perhaps from illness, trauma, or body image concerns. Relaxation techniques for the mind and body may be great for stress or anxiety, but are not as helpful for kids who are tired or depressed.
You might put the instructions for one of these short practices up on the wall and make it the practice of the day or week, or have kids carry instructions on a notecard or in their phone. To integrate mindfulness into daily life, read through the list of 101 moments, then help your kid match the chosen moment to one of these short practices.
SOUP BREATHING
Breathing can be boring and, admittedly, hard to make more interesting. But metaphors and visualizations can help. A participant in a workshop I gave introduced me to Soup Breathing, an easily adapted visualization that teaches regulated breathing.
Hold out your hands as if you were holding a bowl of soup up to your face. Breathe in gently through your nose as if you are breathing in the delicious smell of the soup. Breathe out through your lips as if you are blowing across the surface of the full bowl of soup to cool it, but not so hard that it spills.
I’ve done borscht breathing in Poland, tea breathing in England, and porridge breathing in Bhutan. In the U.S. I’ve done hot chocolate breathing and even pizza breathing. I’m sure you and your kids can together think of more favorites. With beginners or to quickly calm the mind and body, try doing just five soup breaths; with experienced kids, try a few minutes’ worth.
Research in biofeedback suggests that visualization alone can warm our hands, which in turn relaxes the nervous system. What better way to warm your hands than by visualizing a bowl of soup or a mug of hot chocolate? You can also call this the “cooling off breath,” because what better way is there to cool off your “hot” emotions, like anger and frustration, than by feeling cool air rushing out of your mouth?
THE 7–11 BREATH
Resetting the breath with a deliberate practice can regulate, shift, and stabilize energy and mood. Another short, sweet, easy-to-remember practice is the 7–11 Breath. Most of us know 7–Eleven as the name of a convenience store chain, and if you pass one of these stores regularly, you can let that be a cue to do this practice. I learned it at a training with the Mindfulness in Schools Project, and since then I have read that first responders use it to keep themselves and others calm in emergencies. Telling a few of your challenging skeptics that even tough firefighters and ambulance drivers use this breath practice might persuade them to use it.
The directions are simple:
Breathe in for a count of seven.
Breathe out for a count of eleven.
The 7–11 Breath can be done five breaths at a time when kids are learning it, and then longer, depending on how much time you have. This one requires a little more practice than the Soup Breath, to get the counting right, so give kids a chance to learn it. The counting also forces kids (and adults) to focus more and to slow it down—before I knew some of these practices, I’d suggest deep breathing and I’d get kids breathing really deep, but also really fast. Often, what we really mean is slow breathing, not deep breathing. Making the exhale longer than the inhale relaxes the nervous system and allows us to make contact with the present when we might otherwise be rushing past it.
And the opposite is also true: making the inhale longer than the exhale jump-starts the nervous system and speeds us up. In low energy situations—when we find ourselves feeling worn out, sluggish, or a little depressed, and want to raise our energy to meet the present moment—try an 11–7 Breath: the opposite ratio.
My friend Adria Kennedy, who teaches mindfulness to kids, adapts this practice for younger kids by asking them to breathe words or phrases in and out. For example, try breathing in for the length of the word Maine and breathing out Massachusetts, or breathe in bird and breathe out brontosaurus.
THE SILENT SIGH
A sigh can mean many things—relief, exasperation, pleasure, exhaustion, even sadness. Physiologically, sighing regulates and resets our breathing rate. Kids and adults sigh unconsciously, and we can unintentionally offend others when we do so. The Silent Sigh is a deliberate and respectful way of sighing. I learned it from Irene McHenry, an educator and fellow board member at the Mindfulness in Education Network.
This practice allows us to let out excess emotion and reset our body and breath. For that reason, it can be good for settling back into the present moment during transition times.
Take a deep breath in. Then let out a sigh as slowly and silently as possible, so that no one even knows you are doing it.
Follow along with all the sensations in your body as you breathe out to the last bit of air in your body. Then check in with how your mind and body feel. Decide if you need another silent sigh, or just let your breath return to normal.
I like to start by inviting kids to try a loud regular sigh to demonstrate how it feels to let out their emotions in a sigh (and to have some fun). Then I shift to the Silent Sigh and explain that there are situations when it might be more appropriate than a regular sigh, such as in a classroom or when we do not want to offend people by sighing at them.
BREATHING WITH ALL OUR SENSES
Using our senses is often the fastest way to become present and aware of what we are doing. In this mindful breathing practice, we use all of our senses to bring awareness to the breath.
As you take the next few breaths, use all of your senses to notice that you are breathing.
On the first breath, what does the breath sound like?
On the next breath, what does the breath feel like?
As you breathe again, what does the air of the breath smell like?
As you breathe once more, what does the air of the breath taste like?
Lastly, what does the breath look like?
If you watch the last breath closely, you might notice how your head and body shift ever so slightly with the in-breath and the out-breath. Or you might see what the breath looks like by imagining how the breath looks going down into the belly.
Keep breathing through your senses until you’ve done each sense three times.
FIVE-FINGER BREATHING
I learned this practice at a training for the Mindfulness in Schools Project, and it fast became one of my personal and professional favorites for self-soothing. Another breath-regulation practice, it uses touch, counting, and breathing as anchors.
Hold out one hand, fingers spread, palm facing toward you.
Rest the index finger of your other hand on the base of the thumb of the outstretched hand.
As you take a slow in-breath, slowly run your finger up one side of your thumb and count “one.” As you reach the top of your thumb, you should finish the in-breath.
From there, start the out-breath and count “two” as you run your finger down the other side of your thumb.
When your finger reaches the bottom point between the extended thumb and forefinger, inhale again and move up the side of the extended index finger as you count “three.” Then exhale and move down the other side of the extended forefinger as you count “four.”
Continue inhaling and exhaling and tracing each finger of the extended hand until you reach ten, on the downside of your pinkie.
Variations include using a stopwatch and counting how many or few breaths can be done in a minute. Kids can also switch hands for counting and notice the differences between hands.
THE FOUR-SQUARE BREATH
The Four-Square Breath is another way to regulate or reset the breath when it is out of a natural, easy rhythm. A few breaths in and out with a count to four evens it out. Kids can move their hands in a square as they count each breath.
Breathe in for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
Breathe out for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
Repeat three times and then allow the breath to find its own rhythm.
Holding the breath can produce anxiety in some kids, so the 7–11 Breath or Soup Breathing may be better for them than this practice. Do what works and feels comfortable.
METTA (LOVINGKINDNESS) BREATH
This practice may not be ideal for a public situation, but for young kids in a group or alone, it can be fun and feels good. My friend Samu Sundquist and I came up with this together while doing a workshop in Helsinki.
Sitting or standing, with your arms at your sides, take a deep in-breath.
On the out-breath, expand your arms as wide as possible, as if you were hugging the entire world, fitting in absolutely everybody you can.
On the next in-breath, bring your arms in and hug yourself, arms reaching across the chest, each hand on the opposite shoulder.
On the next out-breath, open your arms wide again, hugging and comforting the whole world.
Take another in-breath and bring your arms in, hugging and comforting yourself.
Start by doing the Metta Breath five times in a row and see how you feel afterward. The next time you do it, you can take more or fewer breaths, according to what you need or the time available.
THE SPACE BETWEEN
Sometimes focusing on the breath itself is a challenge or leads to anxiety. In those cases, it can be helpful to see that there is a space of stillness between our breaths—“the Still Quiet Place,” as my friend Amy Saltzman calls it. Try to find your still place between the breaths for five breaths.
Just allow yourself to breathe. As you do, find the spaces of stillness where the in-breath turns into the out-breath and the out-breath turns into the in-breath. Rest your attention on these spaces for a few breaths.
THE BUTTERFLY HUG
This soothing emotional-regulation practice was developed for child survivors of natural disasters, and mimics the flapping of butterfly wings.
Find a comfortable position—sitting, standing, or lying down.
Now, just hug yourself, arms across the chest, each hand on the opposite shoulder.
Take a few moments to gently tap or squeeze your shoulders in alternating rhythm—left right, left right.
SENSORY SCAN
One of the best and quickest ways back to the present moment is through our five senses.
Calm your body, find a still posture, and close your eyes.
First, notice physical sensations. A mole cannot see, but it has a strong sense of touch, feeling the sensations and vibrations of its environment. Scan the edges of your body. Notice the sensations on your skin, such as those made by your clothing or the air. Feel deeper inside your body, to your muscles and organs, and notice what you can sense.
Now, notice sounds. A deer’s ears are among the most powerful of any animal. Can you listen like a deer? Can you hear any sound at this very moment, near or far?
Then, switch to smell. A dog, or a wolf, has a powerful sense of smell that gives it information about the world. Smell like a wolf. As you breathe in through your nose, what smells do you notice? Perhaps food cooking in the distance, the smell of fresh air, or someone’s perfume nearby?
Focus on the sense of taste. A catfish is said to have the most powerful sense of taste of any animal. Open your mouth a little bit. Can you taste anything in the environment? What tastes linger in your mouth or on your tongue after you close your mouth?
Now open your eyes. What’s in your field of vision at this very moment? Eagles have strong eyes that can zoom in to see a small animal from high above. And small animals take in all their surroundings in order to watch for predators. See if you can take in everything around you, or just focus in on something beautiful.
Welcome to the here and now.
In Eastern psychologies, there are not five senses but six. You can add the sixth one, the mind or thought sense, to the practice, if you like.
A variation, which I learned from author Dawn Huebner, suggests first paying attention to the first thing you notice with each sense, then noticing what else is there in the background. This reminds us how much more is going on beyond what we are at first aware of. Or, instead of using animal senses, try using superhero supersenses.
3–2–1 CONTACT
This practice is an informal complement to the Settling Practice in chapter 5.
Notice three places where your body makes contact with the world. Your feet, legs, and arms are obvious ones, but also notice your skin meeting the air or touching the fabric of your clothes.
Jennifer Cohen Harper teaches a variation which she calls the Desk Practice, in which you notice feet on the floor, legs on the chair, and arms on the desk or table in front of you, gently pressing on each to feel more grounded.
SLOW DOWN
My friend Mitch Abblett suggests slowing down in our bodies and minds. He does this between his meetings with families. He remembers his process with the acronym SLOW:
Soften your face and body.
Lower your shoulders.
Open your chest and belly with a breath.
Wilt your fingers and hands.
I love the idea of mindfulness as just slowing down. A friend of mine pointed out recently that we compliment kids and one another on how fast we get things done, but when was the last time someone complimented you on how slowly you did something?
HALT
When I was working as a substance abuse counselor, my colleagues and I would remind people to take care of their basic needs in order to be strong enough to handle triggers and urges that appear when we are most vulnerable. This quick scan of our emotional and physical experience is summed up by the acronym HALT.
Quickly check in with yourself. Are you feeling:
hungry
angry (and/or anxious)
lonely
tired
If you are feeling any of these, what can you do to respond to your own needs and take care of yourself?
Hunger, anger, anxiety, loneliness, and tiredness are some of the most basic human experiences; in fact, besides a wet diaper, these are the most likely reasons that a baby is crying! We grownups are not always so different in our basic needs.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
Many children, and we adults too, struggle with being impulsive in our speech—and, in the digital age, in our emails, texts, and instant messages as well. I’ve seen variations of this helpful acronym in a few places, from kindergartens to meditation centers.
Before you speak, pause and ask yourself:
Is what I am about to say true?
Is this going to be helpful?
Am I the one to say it? Or, is it inspiring?
Is now the time to say it? And, is it necessary?
Is what I am about to say kind?
SEEKING STILLNESS
When the world is spinning inside, it can help to look for examples of stillness outside.
Find some stillness in the world around you—perhaps a building, a boulder, a statue, the base of a tree, or something else unmoving. Rest your awareness there and breathe for a few moments until you can connect that external stillness with a stillness inside.
A few summers ago, I was hiking around a lake in springtime and looking across at the green forest on the other side, when I realized that there must be dozens of shades of green. I took a moment and started counting them until I lost count. Noticing the green of life in the winter, when the world looks bleak, or at any time of year, is a quick way to ground yourself and be aware of your surroundings.
I like looking for green because to me it symbolizes thriving life, but you can use other colors too. Since sharing this practice with others, I’ve learned that the human eye can discern more shades of green than any other color. I was doing this practice on a retreat last summer while doing mindful walking, and suddenly, out of the green, a seven-leaf clover popped into my vision. You never know what you might discover when you look at the world in different ways.
In one of the Jataka tales about the Buddha, he was reincarnated as a deer, which was captured along with its entire herd by an evil king. When the other members of the herd became fearful, the Buddha deer reminded them that as long as the blue sky was above them and the green grass was below them, they should not despair, because wherever there is life there is hope. Just tuning into all that is alive around us, particularly in the darkness of winter, can help us gain a hopeful perspective as well.
SIFTING OUR EXPERIENCE
Developmental psychiatrist Daniel Siegel uses a simple acronym for the four steps of a practice to check in with our experience in the present moment.1
Take a breath and mindfully notice what is happening in your experience in the present moment in terms of:
Sensations in the body
Images or movies in the mind
Feelings and emotions
Thoughts occurring in the mind
SIFTing our experience a few times a day builds the habit of noticing what our experience really is in the present moment, which strengthens the muscle of awareness. It’s also a useful way to ask kids to reflect after a practice; you can ask what came up for them in these four realms during the practice.
SCANS YOUR BODY
The acronym SCANS makes this mini body-scan practice easy to remember. SCANS stands for stomach, chest, arms, neck, and shoulders, the parts of the body that tend to give us the most information about our emotions. Kids can write “SCANS” as a reminder on their binder, in their planner, or another place they see often.
Check in with your stomach. Is it relaxed, nervous, tight, fluttery? Is your breath close to your stomach?
Check in with your chest. Is it tight or relaxed? How is your heartbeat? Is your breath up in your chest?
Check in with your arms. Are they tense or relaxed? Are your hands making fists or gently resting?
Check in with your neck. Is there soreness or achiness, or does it feel relaxed?
Last, check in with your shoulders. Are they hunched or resting?
THE NAGGING FEELING
This practice can be helpful for dealing with yucky feelings. It reminds kids that yucky feelings come, but they also eventually leave—that all feelings are impermanent. The acronym NAG represents the three steps.
Notice what feelings are here.
Allow them to visit.
Then watch them go.
This is similar to a practice by Michele McDonald called RAIN, which stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nonidentify.
SENSATION COUNTDOWN
This practice helps us gather our attention and settle our thoughts before beginning work or a task that requires focus.
Notice a sensation at the edge of your body, where your skin meets the world.
Notice a sensation somewhere in your body, just under your skin.
Notice a sensation deeper inside your body.
SOUND COUNTDOWN
This is another listening practice. For more listening and sound practices, see chapter 8. Like the Sensation Countdown, it can help us gather and focus on the task at hand, be it in the classroom, before homework, or something else that requires attention.
Notice a sound outside the building you are in.
Notice a sound inside the building.
Notice a sound inside the room.
Notice a sound landing and vibrating on or in your body.
Notice a sound inside your body. Try covering your ears if you like. Maybe it’s your thoughts.
ZOOM LENS AND WIDE LENS
I’ve also heard this practice called Predator Eyes and Prey Eyes, which seems a little scary, but maybe it could be Eagle Eyes and Mouse Eyes. Think about what imagery works best for you.
For a few breaths, focus on just one object in your surroundings. Then expand your field of vision to take in the whole of your surroundings.
Keep shifting your focus between zoom lens and wide-angle after every few breaths.
From there, try to zoom in and out on thoughts or emotions in your mind and body.
You can do a variation of this practice with sounds, focusing in on one sound for a few breaths, then zooming out to listen to the entire soundscape at once.
THE COLOR DETECTIVE
Teddy, one of my elementary school-aged clients, came up with this practice. He volunteers to read to the kindergarteners at his school and now shares mindfulness practices with them as well.
Look around the room for each color of the rainbow. When you see each color, breathe it in and move on to the next.
SEEING WITH DIFFERENT EYES
The breath and body are great shortcuts back to the present moment, but we can also use our eyes to become present and increase awareness and perspective. These three short visual practices are good for kids of any age.
Samurai’s Eyes: Gaze around the room and try to memorize what everything looks like. Close your eyes and try to reconstruct what you saw in a mental image. When you open them again, see how close you were.
Child’s Eyes: Look around the room with fresh eyes and beginner’s mind, even if it’s a place you know well. Keep looking until you see something you have never noticed before.
Artist’s Eyes: Gaze around the room and notice the objects. Then stop focusing on the objects and instead notice the space around them—the negative space, as artists call it.
JUST BE X 3
This is an adaptation of a shorter practice from Elisha Goldstein’s 2015 book Uncovering Happiness.2 Each pair of lines encourages us to just be by making use of the acronym BE.
Breathe in,
Expand your body.
Breathe in,
Expand your mind.
Breathe in,
Expand your view.
KIND WISHES
This is a simple lovingkindness practice that offers kind wishes to ourselves, as well as to people in our world. (For more on lovingkindness, or metta, see chapter 13.) Some kids might find it hard to make a wish for someone they don’t like, so maybe a wish for the whole world would work better for them.
Make a kind wish for yourself.
Make a kind wish for a friend or family member.
Make a kind wish for someone you don’t know very well.
And if you feel comfortable or brave, make a kind wish for someone you don’t like very much or who bothers you.
LIVING MINDFULLY: MAKING LIFE ITSELF THE ANCHOR OF MEDITATION
Spiritual practice is not just sitting and meditating. Practice is looking, thinking, touching, drinking, eating, and talking. Every act, every breath, and every step can be practice and can help us to become more ourselves.
THICH NHAT HANH, Your True Home
The work of integrating mindfulness into life is twofold: First, we can find times of day or cues to prompt us to do short practices. We can also bring mindful awareness to activities we are already doing, including playing, working, moving, and interacting with others, by using short practices such as How Do I Know?, in chapter 3. We can also use the “Four Rs” in whatever we are doing: rest our awareness on the task, recognize where and when it wanders, and then gently return to the task (and repeat). Integrating mindfulness into our lives is how we move toward making life itself the anchor of meditation.
How often do we or our kids operate on autopilot? As adults, are we on autopilot or are we aware of our interactions and speech? Can we teach our children to be more fully present, integrating mindfulness into not just therapy or the classrooms, but also art and creative expression, writing, movement, sports, and other parts of daily life?
When we are fully present with everything, we are happier. Recall the study described in chapter 2, which found that what we are doing is half as important to our happiness as whether we are focused on it. We can support our focus by cultivating mindfulness, but we can also subtract distractions and cut down on multitasking.
For kids, bringing mindfulness into everyday life might just look like a little more silence, a little more slowing down, and more one-thing-at-a-time built into the day’s routines. In addition to reviewing the ideas given throughout part II, you can check out my previous book, Child’s Mind, for a list of 100 activities for kids to do mindfully. Better yet, make your own list.
One of the joys of deeper mindfulness integration and more mindful living is that kids and adults together start to become acculturated to mindfulness through shared experience. We can share common insights and common frustrations that arise from the practice. Common experience leads to a common language we can use to speak about mindfulness: sitting with that, allowing it to arise and pass, and dropping in or dropping anchor. We can check in with each other by asking, “How’s the weather in your mind this morning? What’s the forecast?” or whatever metaphors and language have taken hold and are flowing through your family or community. This shared vocabulary reinforces and inspires the practice in everyone.
Ultimately, the intention is to truly live mindfully. But not many kids—in fact, not most kids—will get there, nor will many adults. In my early, grandiose years, I imagined everyone I worked with learning to live a perfectly mindful life. I forgot that it started with me living a perfectly mindful life. In the years since, I’ve revised my goals and tried to take my ego out of the equation. I let go of reaching that goal in the everyday world, and yet never stop aiming for it as an aspiration. We can still aim to teach others how to have a fully integrated formal and informal mindfulness practice even if we, as teachers, have yet to achieve that practice. Like enlightenment or sainthood in spiritual traditions, truly living mindfully can be a north star to navigate by and toward, but not necessarily to reach.
At our best, we and our kids can live this way sometimes, using mindfulness to see a situation clearly and to deal with it skillfully. Some days we may come closer than others, and self-compassion will help us through it all. Ideally, not only can children use mindfulness to observe their experience and choose wise actions, but they will also have the option of using mindfulness itself as the wise or skillful action. This is where we see transformation. Aware of their context and feeling the emotions originating in their body, they can see choices arise: Do I drink, or do I walk away? Do I breathe through my fears and go onstage, or do I give up? Do I take a positive action and maybe use my mindfulness, or do I make a choice I’ll later regret?