CHAPTER 19

The Awakening of Conscience— Carrying My Own Cross

Conscience depends upon an understanding of objective suffering.

The least we are asked to be able to do as completed man is to suffer the unpleasant manifestations of others toward ourselves and others without resentment, to take no action against wrongs done us, and to have compassion for those whose nature is more powerful than their being.

(E.J. Gold. The Joy of Sacrifice, 99)

Teach me to feel another’s woe,

    To hide the fault I see;

That mercy I to others show,

    That mercy show to me.

(Alexander Pope. 1688-1744)

The first thing, and the most important thing, to be understood about the path of self observation without judgment or trying to change what is observed is this: the path of self observation is a path of awakening conscience. That is, if I continue to observe myself honestly, long enough, conscience will awaken in me; that is lawful and unavoidable. It is a by-product of honest self observation.

Once conscience has been awakened in the human biological instrument, woe is me, because now I will know what conscious (voluntary) suffering really is, and my suffering will take on a whole new dimension that I have never known before. I will deliberately, ruthlessly, slavishly, cruelly go against the still, small feeling in me which is conscience (it is misleading to call conscience a “voice” because it does not speak; it is a feeling and that is why it suffers). And conscience will never force itself, never be aggressive or insistent or intrusive or violent or critical or judgmental. It will simply pulsate its suffering when it is violated, and it will continue to suffer in feeling-pulsations unless and until I correct my course and make right what and who I have wronged.

Once conscience awakens in me, it suffers every time it is violated. And this suffering is of an order of magnitude, of a new level, that I am not used to. It is suffering which is unbearable and cannot be ignored. It does not demand or condemn, It just suffers, and deeply.

Our practice is to do two things with this suffering: see it and feel it. Period. No need to change anything within: I just see and feel my violation of conscience. This does not mean that I do not act externally to right my wrongs. I do. And the quicker I can do that, the sooner the suffering in me is eased. What is left then is the wound which conscience must bear for my behavior. This is known in ancient schools as “the wound of love.” In esoteric Christianity, it is called, “carrying one’s own cross.” This means that I no longer require that God or Guru be my external conscience and suffer my wrongs for me. Now that conscience is awakened in me, I am able to see my mistakes, correct them, suffer them, and trust the internal guidance of conscience. This is trusting reality. This is the recovery of sanity in me.

What is conscience? Masters have suggested that conscience is the direct line of communication with the mind and heart of the Creator; esoteric Christianity has suggested that conscience is the direct link with higher emotional and intellectual centers, which reside at the Source or Creator; my experience appears to validate this view. Other ancient schools have said that conscience is God; I have no experiential reason to doubt this view. Others have said that conscience is the Holy Spirit; still others have suggested that conscience is the awakened soul, or the awakening of self; some in esoteric Christianity have called it “the Ascension of Christ”; and finally, there are those masters who have called the awakening of conscience “the awakening of consciousness.”

However you may understand this phenomenon, it is the most real thing a human in the Work will ever undergo. Awakened conscience is the thing in me which can be trusted. Absolutely, always and in everything. Conscience is incapable of lying. It is what the Sufis call the True Friend within; it is the source of real help and guidance on the path. It is the Creator’s help in the individual soul’s journey towards union with Source.

And such a phenomenon arises lawfully from the persistent, consistent practice of self observation without judgment or trying to change what is observed. I must see and feel my behavior, both within and externally to me. “Wish” and “intention” together can awaken conscience. And eventually, slowly, slowly, what arises in conscience from the combination of “wish” and “intention” is aim. Real aim comes from conscience.

From “aim” I have ally. Now when my inner habitual tendencies arise daily, moment to moment, right alongside them is aim. In fact, at some point, these inner habitual tendencies shift and become inner “reminding factor” to remind me of my aims. Thus, they are transformed from weaknesses, flaws, into faithful servants of my Work; they are brought into my inner Work circle.* No longer do I fight against them and try to change them, but as they are, they serve my aims and help me. They feed conscience, which allows it to develop, grow, and mature. In the world of the shaman, the ally is a gross, misshapen, terrifying entity with enormous power. Can you see how this is an analogy which applies to one’s innermost “flaw” or blind spot? To capture its power and align it with my Work is a feat of power, a “magical pass” in shaman’s terms. Self observation is the tool.

In fact, the whole teaching that these things in me which I judge and fight against are “flaws,” “weaknesses,” is erroneous teaching. Everyone you have ever met without exception has these “flaws” They are given to us as gifts by the Creator. Why? Simple: to assist in the awakening of conscience. Without them, I would not reach the point of valuing what conscience has to offer. I would not develop an inner “wish” or an inner “intention.” I would have no force in me for transformation. They are gifts, not flaws. They are where the energy of being is stored, waiting to be released by the simple practice of seeing and feeling their effect upon me and those I love.

Even a mustard seed of conscience—the tiniest, microscopic trace of the mind and heart of our Creator—can become the most powerful force in the human biological instrument. You want miracle? What are you willing to pay to live in the miraculous? This mustard seed is the miracle of the Creator’s mind and heart placed in the human biological instrument. But you must pay to receive. And voluntary suffering is the only thing we have in us to pay with—it becomes the dearest coin in my purse. So when the Gospels teach, “A certain merchant [man of the Work, rh] sold all that he had [his “i’s” and their agendas, rh] in order to purchase a pearl of great price [conscience, rh]” this is what is meant. Only a desperate man, a man who has suffered “the terror of the situation” for years and years, would be driven to such lengths that he surrendered all that he had to the Creator, in return for this mustard seed, this “pearl of great price.” Do you understand?

Conscience is the Creator in me, the direct channel of communication to the mind and heart of the Creator; thus, when I violate conscience, it is the Creator whose suffering I feel—as the direct result of my actions. The Creator willingly and without complaint bears my violations and suffers without complaint. Only when I assume responsibility for my thoughts, emotions, words, and actions does this suffering due to my actions bear fruit. I no longer am comfortable being the cause of my Creator’s suffering. Period. Thus, I act at once when out of alignment to keep a clear conscience.

When I cease to violate conscience this is a further meaning for “picking up my own cross and carrying it.” I no longer ask my Creator to suffer for my sins (the only sin is going against conscience); instead, I become a responsible being. I do as conscience instructs, in order to avoid making my Creator suffer, in order to avoid the terrible, unbearable feeling of that suffering. At that point, I will do anything to avoid the enormity of this feeling, including growing up, including taking responsibility for my own life instead of blaming others and making others suffer my insensitivity, insecurity, and immaturity. At that point, I cease being just a mammal and become a human being.

And when I do bring this suffering upon my Creator, what I feel inside is called “remorse of conscience.” This remorse is from on High, it is a gift, and it will transform me. I have seen it. I have experience of it. Remorse is the transformative agent brought by conscience into the human biological instrument.

Now here is a secret, something buried deep into this book so that only those who have paid by reading to this point will find. It is a Work practice which feeds conscience and helps it to grow. Only those souls who have matured to the point of awakened conscience will understand the need for such a practice or feel the value in pursuing it. It is a high-level, mature Work practice, and as such it demands a great deal of me. It produces a whole different level and kind of suffering but its rewards are also of a new order of magnitude; I am rewarded with a different order of relationship among my fellows. A new level of trust results, both within and without. Does such a practice hold interest for you? Here then is how the Work states this practice:

Bear the unpleasant manifestations of others without complaint or outward show; bear the wrongs done to me without responding in kind. In other words: Do unto others as I would have them do unto me; turn the other cheek.

Perhaps you can see why this is a mature practice, only possible with the help of conscience. It is unthinkable for the ordinary person in life, who could not even imagine why doing such a thing would be of benefit.

But you who have read this far into the book may perhaps intuit the profound implications of this senior Work practice, both for the developing soul and for those with whom I am in relationship. It asks extraordinary things of me: that I sell all that I own. In return, the inner irritation or friction which it produces develops a “pearl of great price.” Can you intuit the need and value of such a thing? This provides a new and different level of meaning to the phrase, “carrying my own cross.” What is it worth to you? Are you willing to sell your complaining, your gossiping, your negativity, your vengeance and righteous wrath, in order to purchase the services of Conscience, the Guardian Angel?

This practice is difficult for me, but the source of the difficulty may surprise you. It is not friends, colleagues, or even strangers who put this practice to its greatest test in me, though they all do, certainly. No, it is with my wife, whom I love so deeply, and with those closest to me that I have the greatest struggle to hold my tongue and keep my judgments and anger in abeyance. So I have much Work to do with this practice. But I value it deeply and am glad to struggle for it, not against my habits, but for this pearl, for the help which the Guardian Angel provides. Only with its help is there hope for a person. It is my deepest wish and prayer to follow my conscience, always and in everything. This is my aim.

Furthermore, because there is now in me a mustard seed of conscience, not belief systems borrowed from others, but something which is all my own because I have paid for it—I wish to sell all that I own to purchase this pearl of great price—now I suffer most intensely, now I suffer in a whole new way and on a whole new level. And this suffering feeds conscience. Still there is no need to change anything I observe. Conscience will change everything, and in its own proper and appropriate time and way; I can change nothing and if I try I will make an awful mess of things, just as always.

Tom Kills A Rabbit

Tom was my wife’s father. One time

he told me how on his 8^th birthday

he got a bow and 6 arrows.

He set up the straw target in his yard

and shot at it for hours until he tired of it,

then set up some smaller, more difficult things,

a can, a piece of paper nailed to a tree,

an old shoe on a log. He was good and

in 3 days or so he tired even of these.

He wanted something more, something lively,

something that would run from him;

he wanted to kill something.

He went into the woods and the first thing

he saw there was a small rabbit frozen in place.

He drew and fired, sent the arrow clean through

the rabbit’s body, but it did not die at once;

instead the arrow drove into the ground,

pinning the rabbit there.

Legs churning furiously, it could only spin

wildly around the arrow, blood flowing, its eyes

wild, luminous and hurt.

Tom stood frozen, transfixed with horror and

when he looked up at me his eyes

were hurt like that rabbit’s.

He put the bow down, never went back for it.

He was a big man, and that story made him so

for me, how he shot an arrow in the woods

and it pierced his own heart.

(Red Hawk)