Over 90 percent of American adults self-identify as shy.Shyness is a huge issue for over 90 percent of American adults who self-identify as such. While some, according to Dr. Philip Zimbardo, professor emeritus at Stanford University, are situationally shy, others feel they are generally shy: They claim to have worked through it but admit to the occasional relapse. About 8 to 9 percent of us are phobically shy and require individual treatment, but for the other 92 percent, the strategies in this book will help push you through your social discomfort.
In every “room” you enter, the majority of people feel equally uncomfortable or shy. Some may be introverts and/or shy or not. They could be colleagues, coworkers, clients, cousins or even your CEO. We may think that they are disinterested or disengaged, snobbish and aloof. A client for a Big Four firm told me, “If you’re wearing a running suit or jeans, people will give you the benefit of the doubt and think of you as shy, but in a fancy suit and expensive tie, they think you’re a snob.”
The reality is they are just uncomfortable. Remember, Dr. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast and author of Shyness: A Bold New Approach, indicates that shy people want to be part of the group. Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking and an admitted introvert, claims that introverts often have valuable social skills, though they may prefer listening to speaking. To her, “introversion is a preference for environments that are not over-stimulating.” Based on her assessment, rooms full of people at a conference, meeting or party are not a comfortable place to the introvert, even if the people could be professional or personal contacts.
While many rooms are easily worked by the bon vivant, the bombastic and the braggarts, the shy are none of the above. They are the people who focus on their conversation partners, listen, share ideas and offer leads. Their eyes don’t dart over our shoulders and around the room.
“We don’t need less shyness in the world, we need more. Shy people are wonderful. Imagine if everyone were like Howard Stern or Madonna,” said Dr. Carducci at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association.
For those who are shy and want to feel more confident in any room, I’ve adapted the “Seven Quick-Step Shyness Recovery Program List,” which originally appeared in my book What Do I Say Next?
THE SEVEN QUICK-STEP SHYNESS
RECOVERY PROGRAM
1. Decide to recover. The ability to communicate and converse is part of business. Bosses expect it. And bosses are expected to do it.
2. Observe those who are Mingling Mavens and ConverSENsations. They are role models. Note what they do and say and replicate.
3. Be approachable. Smile. Make eye contact. This is natural for shy people, who tend to focus on their conversation partners rather than scanning the room while engaged in conversation.
4. Have three to five interesting news stories to discuss. Stay abreast of what’s going on by reading newspapers, books and movie reviews or by joining a book club or discussion group.
5. Practice recounting three to five incidents or stories that happened to you or others. It might be something funny, provocative or “ear catching.” Feel free to borrow from other people’s lives—and remember to save the punch line for last.
6. Take an acting, improvisation or conversation class. You’ll meet other people who may be shy, and you’ll learn to take risks in a safe setting.
7. Practice. Smile. Say hello and talk to people along all the paths of life: the bridle path, the bike path, the track and in the elevator. Bite the bullet, take the risk and say something. You’ll be pleasantly surprised. People respond in kind 90 percent of the time.
Over 90 percent of American adults self-identify as shy.
Shy people generally listen and pay attention to their conversation partners.
Be approachable. Make eye contact and smile.
Have three to five interesting stories to share.
Take an acting or improvisation class.
Practice, practice, practice.