You’re all set. You’ve reviewed the roadblocks and applied the remedies. You’ve focused on the potential benefits and prepared your presence, attitude and your strategies. You’re ready to converse with just the right balance of chutzpah and charm, and you know your manners as well as your etiquette.
Now it’s time to take your wealth of knowledge and your enthusiasm for mingling out into the world. In the next few chapters, we will focus on five of the rooms that are now at your feet: the cocktail party, the reunion, the trade show, “techno-toy room” and yes, the world!
The cocktail party is a mainstay as a business and a social function. Surviving them is good; making the most of them and having a good time in the process is even better!
Cocktail parties are gatherings of about two hours where drinks and finger food are served and guests are expected to stand and circulate. There are three basic types of cocktail parties:
• Social
• Business
• Fund-raiser (charitable, civic, political, etc.)
People have wanted detailed “mingling maps” so they can plot out their footsteps. Maybe a GPS? When you’re prepared, you can observe the room and feel confident that no map is needed. Just bring your good manners, conversation and genuine interest in others, whether they are standing near a wall or at the dessert table.
The social cocktail party is more popular now than ever because it is a simpler process than a sit-down dinner and can more easily be used to reciprocate social obligations. You can return invitations without hiring a staff of twenty or spending a week making food. Calling a caterer is my preference.
Heavy sit-down dinners are less common because we have become a nation of “grazers.” We want a sliver of this and a taste of that. We love to nibble and nosh, to experiment and combine different kinds of foods.
The social cocktail party may have a theme or be an “occasion” party based on holidays or other specific events. It might celebrate an engagement, a housewarming, retirement, company IPO, Halloween, Valentine’s Day or maybe the host/hostess simply felt like having a party and inviting his or her friends to meet one another. I hosted a cocktail party at a local restaurant for my friends and colleagues. The theme: a “book mitzvah,” a party for my “firstborn,” How to Work a Room, for its thirteenth anniversary. I even had napkins to match, a cake in the shape of a book decorated like the cover, a cantor and chopped liver flown in from New York! My guests talked to each other as they noshed and nibbled.
If there is a written invitation, you will probably be asked to RSVP and you must definitely do so. For my party—which required a “head count” for the restaurant, I called three people who had not replied to my invitation. Will they be invited to my next soiree? Not a chance.
If your hosts request specific attire (costumes, casual, black-tie optional, etc.), adhere to it. It’s their party, and they’ve put some effort into planning it. Don’t let them be the only ones in the room wearing a black tie or a costume.
Your first stop will be to say hello to the hosts. It’s their job to meet, greet and introduce you to others. Good hosts always have a vignette or two about each guest that makes introductions easier and more interesting.
My friend, author and speaker Robert Spector, gets an A+ as a host. At his and his wife Marybeth’s twenty-fifth anniversary party, Robert made sure their guests met one another. His introductions contained information about each person that created a common bond. How he made the introduction made you want to continue the conversation after he excused himself.
After you have begun to meet people, remember that parties are for mingling and circulating. The hosts have invited you so that you can meet their other friends. It’s rude to latch on to one person and sit in the corner with that person for the rest of the evening.
A tip to hosts: Placing the food and beverages at different locations around the room encourages guests to circulate.
At the social cocktail party, you can always fall back on “How do you know Arlynn [the host]?” for a conversation starter.
Even though the party may be purely social, you, of course, never leave home without your business cards. You never know! Keep a supply of them with you. You might meet your biggest client of the year, your new best friend or someone who can coach your daughter’s soccer team. Remember: This isn’t the time to wantonly pass out business cards as if you’re dealing blackjack.
Even if the encounter is completely social—or perhaps even romantic—business cards are a better and safer way to exchange information. Although some people will still scrawl phone numbers or email addresses on used napkins with old golf pencils or hunt around in a purse or wallet for deposit slips, others will simply add their information into the mobile contact base on their phones.
And remember: Thank the hosts before you leave.
Business cocktail parties come in several varieties:
1. The no-host reception before the professional association meeting
2. The office party, which may celebrate anything from the company’s IPO to a retirement dinner or a holiday
3. The business social, which is often sponsored by the chamber of commerce, the convention and visitors bureau or some other civic organization
THE NO-HOST COCKTAIL RECEPTION
The no-host reception is usually forty-five minutes to an hour long and precedes a business luncheon or a dinner meeting. You register for the reception when you register for the meeting and generally there’s a no-host bar.
This is a time for members to reconnect with one another and to meet new people who have been brought as guests. It’s also an opportunity for you to bring guests who might be interested in joining the association. If you are a guest, it’s a time for you to find out about the organization. For both members and guests, it’s a great opportunity to interact.
There’s usually no official host at these events, but there may be a greeting committee. Introduce yourself to someone on the committee. They should find at least one other person to whom they can introduce you, and then you’re on your own. Warm up your smile and begin to work the room!
Conversation starters are everywhere at these events. If you’re a guest, you can ask questions about the organization and the various ways of participating. If you are already a member, this is a time to renew acquaintances and meet new people in your field. You will also want to extend yourself to guests and new members so that they feel more comfortable and welcome.
The Bonnie Raitt/Susan RoAne Method of Mingling
Bonnie Raitt sang, “Let’s give them something to talk about.” She graciously allowed me to use her name when I told her about the Bonnie Raitt/Susan RoAne method. “If it helps people, that’s fine with me.”
Former secretary of state Madeleine Albright wore “brooches.” When her circle “broached” difficult issues, she provided the conversation piece that started the discussions.
Men have worn ties that gave us “something to talk about.” Looney Tunes, Mickey Mouse, Jerry Garcia, South Park and holiday ties open up conversations. I found a great Three Stooges tie for my brother Michael, the lawyer—Moe, Curly and Larry faces with the names Dewey, Cheatem and Howe, attorneys at law. He told me the “boys” are quite the conversation starter. Nyuk! Nyuk!
Remember, these gifts of gab must be “opened”! When you see a unique lapel pin, brooch or tie—say something! You are being invited to say hello!
Being approachable is just as important as approaching others, and a smile and eye contact are essential.
Don’t forget that your focus here is business—with a social flair, to be sure, but it’s still important to do your homework and work the room so that you make new contacts and strengthen old ones.
This kind of cocktail reception is usually followed by a sit-down meal, a program and announcements. So even when the reception is over, you have another opportunity to meet people during the meal.
THE MEAL: SIT DOWN,
YOU’RE ROCKING THE BOAT!
The first rule: Do not sit with people you know. If you just wanted to spend time with your friends, you could have gone out for a pizza. This is a chance to meet seven to nine new people, all of whom have something in common with you. Don’t miss the opportunity!
The second rule: Be the table host. Introduce yourself to the group at the table and ask the others to go around the table and do the same. This is a risk, but the rewards are great. The person you really want to talk to could be sitting on the other side of the table rather than next to you. If you hadn’t gone around the table and introduced yourselves, you might never have known anything about that person. After the meal is over, there will be time for a more private conversation, and you will have him pinpointed. The other people at the table will appreciate this opportunity to introduce themselves.
The dress for these occasions is usually what you would wear to the office, but it can get a bit tricky around the holidays. I once attended the holiday party of a local professional association. I was wearing a dressy suit; one of the other women wore a strapless long gown. One of us was dressed inappropriately. I never figured out which one. When in doubt, make some subtle inquiries.
THE OFFICE PARTY
The office or company party is a different kind of animal from the no-host reception before a professional association meeting. It is business, despite the trappings that may confuse us—music, formal invitations, dancing, drinking and so on.
If clients are in attendance, you are also a host—whether or not you own the company or firm. I was first asked to give a presentation to members of a law firm because they had hosted a party for clients and potential clients, and the attorneys had talked only to each other! It’s a costly waste of time and money that happens all too often. And it’s one reason I continue to be invited to speak to professional firms. Act like a host so your guests will feel welcomed.
Remember the cautions about alcohol consumption, appropriateness of conversation and humor and the need for business greeting etiquette even if your coworkers have forgotten them.
One of the most fun parties was thrown by my buddy Guy Kawasaki for a celebration of Garage.com. Guy, prolific author and former chief evangelist at Apple, featured in the San Jose Mercury News as the man who “works” Silicon Valley (to which I would add “like a mensch”), was the most congenial host. He spent time with each guest, the Garage.com staff and the venture-capital gang. Guy made sure we all had T-shirts, books, lots of food and fun! In fact, I have his APE T-shirt based on his new book on self-publishing, Author Publisher Entrepreneur.
The office Christmas/holiday party is notorious for bad behavior. I’ve heard many stories of inebriation, sickness, flirtations and dalliances that have caused people to lose promotions and, sometimes, jobs. The office holiday party is business. Go to have a good time in the spirit of the holiday season, but don’t exceed the bounds of taste or reason. But do attend.
Dancing and relaxing are definitely not out of line. But leave the “dirty dancing” for a nonbusiness occasion. (If the event is a dinner-dance, you may want to take a few dance lessons if you are not comfortable on the dance floor.) This is a good chance to chat with colleagues in a less pressured setting. It may also be a great time to give kudos to those who have helped you or who have been particularly encouraging or supportive.
Spousal Support
Spouses who attend office parties should be treated as individuals in their own right and not just as appendages of the person who works with you. It’s not easy being a spouse at an office party, and the person who makes an effort to meet and chat with spouses is always appreciated. Try to find out what the spouse’s interests are instead of talking only about or to your colleague and the work you share. In fact, not including a spouse can be a huge mistake that backfires.
Remember, today most spouses work, are involved in the community and have interests that may match your own. The spouse may be a CFO, a tireless fund-raiser for the local art museum or a physical therapist who can tell you the best exercise to relieve your backache. In this small, small world, the spouse may have attended your alma mater. Be nice and inclusive.
One behavior that easily includes the spouse in your conversation is to glance at him or her as you speak. It’s rude to have eye contact only with your colleague and lock out the spouse. Be mindful of how you talk to your own spouse. No one wants to listen to put-downs, digs and comments reflective of Family Feud. Sadly, I have observed this behavior firsthand, and it was very disconcerting and uncomfortable.
THE BUSINESS SOCIAL
The business social is often called the “after hours,” or mixer, and it’s become a staple of many convention and visitors bureaus, chambers of commerce and other professional and civic organizations. It’s an event made to order for creating visibility and meeting other businesspeople in your city.
These functions are usually held about once a month and are open to members and their guests. People who attend them have in common:
• Membership in the organization
• Business interest in the community
These common bonds represent a wide range of conversation starters!
Research shows that it’s easier to remember a person’s profession than it is to remember his or her name. At the business social, people usually talk about what they do.
This is no accident. The business social is one of the best forms of free advertising anywhere—if you know how to work the room. I faithfully attended my San Francisco convention and visitors bureau business socials, and actually do much of my “hands-on” research at these events across the nation. The San Francisco Chamber of Commerce business mixers were my original research incubator for this book.
I’ve met people at these events who have become dear friends as well as valued associates. Early on, I gained more visibility than I could possibly have afforded through advertising, and great material for my books and talks. I’ve described working a room as what you do if no one left you an inheritance for the advertising budget.
The business social is not usually a place to finalize deals or sign contracts: It’s a place to meet people, get to know them better and discover what you have in common and how you might support one another—even if it is “only” moral support. In spite of what some sales experts claim, it’s an opportunity to establish rapport, not to close a sale. You’re “opening a relationship.”
People do business with people they know, like and trust. Again, etiquette, manners and courtesy are the keys.
No matter how clear your focus, the impression you create depends on your ability to communicate a genuine interest, a sincere generosity of spirit and likability.
In this brave new world with new rooms to work, we are invited now to meet-ups, tweet-ups, fans of Mashable gatherings and LinkedIn local get-togethers because online pals want to meet face-to-face at business socials. There are more opportunities than ever to meet and mingle in person.
THE FUND-RAISER: YOUR MONEY OR . . .
The third type of cocktail party is the fund-raiser. Its purpose is to benefit a charity or community organization. Or it may be to “honor” a politician or political hopeful by raising funds for the campaign coffers.
Carl La Mell, as the CEO and president of Clearbrook, must attend many of these events. Due in large part to his style of fund-raising and gathering support, he took Clearbrook and expanded it from a base of $12 million to a base of $28 million. He says, “After working a full day, I rarely want to go to a cocktail party or reception. But once I am there, I’m ready to do my job and have a good time.”
When we are having a good time, our enthusiasm generates enthusiasm in others. They want to be around us, to do business with us and to contribute to our causes.
“Yes, once you do your homework, you can target the room,” La Mell says. “But absolutely never ignore people. Each individual is a potential connection, and you have to treat everyone with regard.”
Again, it’s authentic interest and gracious manners that get the response.
La Mell’s point is echoed by others: “Make the connection and do not belabor your point. Following up in a social way is a soft sell and establishes rapport.”
PARTY POLITICS
At a political fund-raiser, everyone has to donate money in order to attend. The reasons for donating money to a candidate are as varied as the number of people in attendance, but everyone has in common an interest in the candidate or the organization’s success.
Often there’s big-name entertainment, but the real “draw” is a chance to meet the candidate or officeholder. If the politician is working the room properly and you are not hanging out behind the curtains, you should get that chance. Make the most of it. Put yourself forward in a gracious way, introduce yourself and say something memorable—and brief. The politician wants to meet and connect with you, but he or she may need to do the same with hundreds of people in only a few hours. A short, unusual quip will make you stand out in the sea of faces.
We assume that all politicians have mastered the art of working a room. After all, the phrase working a room came to us from politics. But this isn’t always the case. Politicians have all the same roadblocks we do. They, too, are 93 percent shy. It’s just that their very survival depends on remedying those roadblocks. And they wouldn’t be where they are if they hadn’t had some success in doing so. Often they have a “handler” who introduces them to individuals in a crowd and is a political wing-man or -woman.
Can you imagine a politician who heeded Mother’s Dire Warning “Don’t talk to strangers”? That’s a politician who can barely pay for his meal, let alone buy television advertising! And how would you like to be one of that politician’s constituents? Until you’d been properly introduced, you couldn’t even tell him about the pothole on your street.
A former San Francisco mayoral candidate told me, “The fund-raiser in my honor was much easier because people who attended were supportive. The issue for me was balancing two to four conversations at once with people who wanted several words alone with me. I believed I owed each person that time and tried to do just that. And it was tough. The event that honors someone else is different. You have to judge the event and the people and not overstep your bounds. It is poor campaign form to get up and move from table to table when you are not the honoree. We need to exhibit manners and respect for protocol and for other people.”
His comments are instructive for us nonpoliticians as well. If we table-hop to work someone else’s room, it may backfire; we could lose a friend, a job or a piece of business.
Former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown is a masterly mingler. What can we learn from this master of working a room? Beyond the obvious charmers—engaging in eye contact, smiling, touching, shaking hands, offering humor, speaking and listening to each individual, laughing—there is a special warmth and sense of caring, and he looks like he is having a fantastic time himself. Connecting with people didn’t appear to be a chore for him; it appeared to be fun.
When we honestly enjoy other people’s company, we hardly have to think about how to work a room. All the “right” things come naturally, because we want to make people feel comfortable and cared for. They respond to that and to us.
La Mell’s Latest Advice for Working Fund-Raisers
1. Know who you have to see.
2. Make sure they do not know that it’s your goal to see them.
3. Ask to be introduced when possible.
4. Do not talk about business. Make the connection, set rapport and make sure they know who you are.
5. Do not overstay your welcome. You cannot monopolize any one person.
6. Depending on the response to you, get the business card.
7. Follow up!
We’ve all encountered a know-it-all. No matter what we say, he or she already knows it. It kills a conversation. According to Brian Palmer, president of National Speakers Bureau, “When someone says something you know or know a piece of, resist the urge to nod vigorously, say ‘yes, yes,’ interrupt and signal that you already know about what they’re talking. It shouldn’t be important to show how allegedly smart you are or how much you know. When you really listen, the odds are increased that you’ll say something truly interesting.”
Caveat: We cannot know people in sixty seconds. Unfortunately, technology has foisted us into a split-second society. We make snap judgments. In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell referred to the “thin slices” of exposure research. Dr. Nalini Ambady, professor of psychology at Tuft University, found that “the degree to which thin slices of experience help us navigate modern encounters is ‘up for debate.’ ”
According to Dr. Paul Eckman, professor of psychology at the University of California Medical School, San Francisco, “The accuracy of a snap judgement depends on what we’re sizing up.”
Another side of this prism is revealed by Dr. Ivan Misner, founder of BNI, in his book Truth or Delusions: Networking in the Real World. One of the truths that we must bear in mind before we make snap judgments: “We don’t know who they know.” To dismiss people because of our instantaneous reactions is a mistake. Dr. Misner further explains, “Never underestimate the depth of the pool your fellow networkers are swimming in.”
My thought: First impressions are sometimes wildly inaccurate. We know our reactions to other’s voice, comments, clothes and style. But we do not know of their good hearts, charitable ways, family connections or network. Or their evil ways and disrespect for coworkers or the law.
There is no such thing as the “One-Minute Mingler!”
The cocktail party—whether social, business or fund-raiser—is a perfect opportunity to meet new friends and new contacts, to reconnect with familiar faces and to have a good time.
Bring:
• Your business cards
• Your smile
• Your focus
• Your sense of humor
• Your wit, wisdom and interest in others
• Conversation starters: lapel pins, ties, jewelry, hats (when appropriate)
• Appropriate manners fit for the occasion
Observe:
• The layout of the room
• Gifts of gab (and say something)
• The people, the groups, the flow
Lose:
• Prejudgments
• Snobbery
• Self-focus