The demands of work and personal life have always been regarded as two separate domains. Employees were expected to leave the personal side at home and concentrate on performing their job responsibilities efficiently and productively.
According to Stephanie Kay, human resource consultant, work/life balance has been the focus of many companies as managers realize that staff members are more productive when their individual needs are taken into account. In fact, many programs, such as flex-time and day care, have been instituted to accommodate workers’ personal lives. Kay wonders why so many employees suffer from an inability to integrate their work/life demands. “Why is there never enough time for family and personal needs? Why do so many people have demanding jobs only to climb ladders that lead nowhere or else to find the promised ladders no longer exist?”1 Sociologist Phyllis Moen and psychologist Patricia Roehling explain the “mismatch” of the career dream and the economic and workplace realities in their book The Career Mystique,2 underscoring the obvious fact that most employees have family responsibilities but that the model of the husband going off to work with the helpmate handling home and family no longer exists.
The world has changed. Families exist in many forms: single parents, same sex parents, stay-at-home fathers, and grandparents raising grandchildren. Everyone is stressed; no one has the amount of time and support necessary to negotiate work/family transitions. At first, I was going to write two separate chapters—one on work transitions and the other on family transitions. However, they are so intertwined that it is impossible to treat them apart. This chapter is organized in two sections. The first will present a number of vignettes of people handling the complexity of work/life; the second section will look at underlying issues as people move in, through, and out of work/family life.
Combining work and family—a growing necessity today—is not an either-or situation. Many couples simultaneously report strain and benefits. One working mother asked her daughter if she should feel guilty about working. Her daughters reply: “You are so involved with us as it is, I cant imagine what it would have been like if you had been home full-time.” However, others report ambivalence as they work to moderate the demands of work and family.
The ambivalence is both sociological and psychological. Sociological ambivalence refers to the conflicting norms inherent in a role. For example, there are “structural dilemmas”—those that are inherent in the relationship between the conflicting needs of ones family and ones workplace. This can be seen when talking with women, and more and more with men, who are torn between the demands of work and family. At thirty-nine, Colleen had her first baby, after trying for several years. Since she was the main breadwinner, she was forced to go back to work—her health insurance was significantly better than her husbands. She would have been thrilled to be a stay-at-home mom; she had a talent with babies. The day she returned to work after a six-month leave of absence (only one month of it was paid leave), she cried all the way to work.
Psychological ambivalence refers to two or more opposing emotions. An example: Megan loved her father; Megan resented her father. She admired him, she was deeply connected to him, but she resented his subtle desire to control her. She was dependent on him for financial help, making it all the more difficult to break away. Or take Jim, whose mother lived with him. He cared about her, even thought he loved her, yet resented her for being a burden, for restricting his activities and his freedom. Of course, he was also angry at himself for allowing this to happen.
Other poignant examples include the millions of grandparents raising grandchildren, often because their adult children are dead, incarcerated, or on drugs. As Rose said, “I would not have it any other way. My grandson needs me and I will always be there for him. But my anger at my son for his irresponsible behavior sometimes gets out of control.”
We could point out example after example of family relationships filled with ambivalence—the societal demands on people to care for and support their families; the psychological feelings of happiness to be able to give back to ones family; the conflicting emotions of feeling that one has been cheated or burdened.
Again, this all underscores the importance of addressing issues of work and family.
Many, like Alan, cannot separate work and family. As we will see, Alan’s moods and depression at work spilled over into his family life. I asked: “As a son, father, husband, and involved career person how do you balance these? Where are the pressures that exhaust you? Describe a time when you felt a little unhinged by all these pressures.”
Alan’s answer:
“As a son, father, husband, and career person, I would say that my ability to balance these is a bit worse than many people. I do not deal with the pressure well. What people say is true—you do what you have to do in order to survive. For me personally, my home life tends to suffer as a result of my emotional investment in my work life. The scales are not even.
“The pressures that exhaust me most are far and away the husband/father portions of my life. For many reasons, I find that it is my home life that causes 85 percent to 90 percent of my stress. I want to be a good father, a positive role model, a dependable figure, a loving leader. I want to be a responsible husband, a good lover, a reliable friend and partner. I fear that I am not reaching my goals in those areas.
“One of the worst periods in my life, as it relates to feeling the pressures of my various ‘identities,’ was when we had the mold crisis in our home. I felt as though my family was in serious trouble—our health was compromised—and we had very limited resources (financially mostly) to do anything about it. What went through my mind during that entire time was if I were a better father/husband, I’d be a better person.”
Alan felt he was shortchanging his family and felt miserable at work. He saw his Situation as low. On the positive side, his Supports were strong. He asked for and received support from his mother and wife. In fact, his mother offered to give him funds to attend a workshop designed to uncover new options. He saw himself as both negative and positive. Although he tends to catastrophize, he knows he is creative and will develop new options. At the time of the interview, he was not using all the Strategies at his disposal.
Alan knew he needed to change his Situation. He talked with a career counselor who told him of an institute in California where he could explore his life goals and develop strategies to implement them. He took a leave from his job, went to California with his mothers financial support, and discovered what he wanted to do. He came back energized. With his wife’s emotional support, he resigned from the job he did not like. It took him three nerve-wracking months, but he finally got just the job he wanted. His new job has been wonderful.
So, by relying on his Supports and his creativity, and using new Strategies that he learned at the institute, he was able to change his Situation. In a recent follow-up interview, I saw a very productive, fulfilled person. He is still working to strengthen himself by meeting with a therapist. He wants to control his depression so that it does not spill over into both family and work.
Fred was overwhelmed. He retired as a pharmacist at age seventy-seven. After retiring, he placed his wife, Bessie, in a nursing home, at the urging of his children.
His story was a simple one. He married his sweetheart. They worked together in their own drugstore until he was shot. After that, they worried about their safety and at age sixty moved to Florida where he passed his boards so he could continue working as a pharmacist. This worked out well until Bessie had a stroke. He was her caregiver, and did this out of love, not guilt or necessity. During this time, he hurt his back, and he now walks hunched over with a cane. Despite three epidural shots he is in constant pain. Gradually, Bessie developed Alzheimer’s disease. Fred thought that if he retired he could care for her more fully. But her condition deteriorated rapidly and Bessie is now in a nursing home.
Fred is lost and vulnerable. He will not leave their house because he holds onto the dream that he will get strong enough to bring Bessie home, even though his children are trying to tell him that wont happen. He is not ready to give up the dream.
Let’s look at Fred’s 4 S’s: His Situation is negative and overwhelming but his Supports are over the top. His daughter adores him, supports him, and relies on his judgment. She recently consulted him about a job choice she had. He encouraged her to take the risky course because that is what she wanted to do. She encouraged him to take care of himself, to get out of the house, and to move ahead with his volunteer activities. His view of Self is a bit shaky, but he clearly has signs of resiliency. And he is beginning to expand his coping Strategies.
Even though Fred has experienced the bottom dropping out of his world, and he sees his world as out of his control, he is still slowly inching forward. He has figured out what he can do in retirement. Of course, the main event will be his visits to Bessie, at least three times a week. But he has wisely decided to get certified as a diabetic counselor and has offered to volunteer at the local hospital. He was known as an excellent pharmacist so they are pleased that he will be on board.
Let’s look at the experience of Helen, a building engineer, whose primary work responsibilities involved fixing leaks in a building, checking out electrical problems, confirming that the heat and air conditioning were working properly, and being on call to address any emergencies.
She took the first job several years ago, in an office building, and after six months she left it. In order to understand what happened, let’s TAKE STOCK of Helen’s 4 S’s. At the time she took the job she was in a trying Situation. She had just left her husband and had total responsibility for three small children. The combination of job and personal changes was very stressful. Helen began to blame herself for not being able to make a go of her marriage and began thinking globally about her Self as a failure. She had some Supports among family members, but at work there was little support and little control over what she did. She punched a clock and followed the rules, but never was told she was doing a good job. She spent most of the time in the boiler room and had little contact with anyone at work. Helen’s greatest resource was her willingness to try many Strategies at home and at work. Overall she had three “low” S’s and one “high” S.
More recently, Helen took a similar job in another office building. She is now living with a man who is very involved with her children and very committed to her well-being. She sees her Situation as excellent. Although she still tends to downplay her own capabilities, Helen is now aware of her tendencies to see the glass as half empty rather than half full. Her Support at home and work is now “high.” Her boss at work is very appreciative of her performance and keeps saying how lucky he is to have her on his staff. Her coping Strategies are good; she is able to be assertive when necessary, to hold back when appropriate, and to think differently at times.
Work-related transitions, whether we are employed or unemployed, have certain characteristics and phases in common. Yet, as Helen’s story shows, what we bring to the transition at a particular time of life may determine to a large extent whether we master it. TAKING STOCK of your 4 S’s will enable you to identify the areas you need to bolster to help you cope with the transition: your Situation, your Self, your Supports, or your Strategies.
As I listened to Monique’s Situation, I kept wondering how she was coping, what she would and could do. Her Situation was negative. She had a three-year-old and a four-month-old without a husband or financial stability. She had a job so she felt she could take care of herself. However, the day she was to return to work after having her second child, she learned that her job had been eliminated. She was overwhelmed: Her Situation was negative and she had left her major Support.
She decided that she needed to increase her Supports. She has good friends and a good professional network where she currently lives. However, she decided to move nearer her sister and brother-in-law until she gets her bearings. She knows she can temporarily lean on her sister in a way that she cannot with friends. “I need to free fall and have someone catch me.”
Monique is concerned about making professional contacts since she will have to start all over again. She is trading friends and a familiar community to be with family. In addition, her about-to-be ex-husband has moved to the town where she will be moving so he can stay involved with the children. She is pleased that he has been able to control his addictions and get employment. That money will help her. She is right now grieving for the friends and life she has known and is leaving.
Monique has always seen her Self as very sufficient and someone who could always accomplish what she had in mind. She now realizes that her life is not perfect and that she has to let go of the unrealistic standards she has set for herself. “I can only do my best.”
In addition, she has had a real shift in the way she sees herself. She realized she was a codependent, enabling her husbands addictions. Once she realized her part in this, she was able to have what she called “a paradigm shift in the way I see myself.” This realization pushed her to decide once and for all the marriage was over.
She labels herself resilient, optimistic, and brave. Her resilience is obvious as she learns to go with the flow instead of planning everything. Her optimism was evident when she claimed, “I know next year will be a good year.” Her attitude will play a key role in her survival. She is brave as she leaves everything she has known and moves into the unknown.
Monique used Strategies to change the meaning of her multiple transitions. During her newborn sons stay in the hospital she turned to God and looked to a higher power. She recognized that life was somehow unmanageable, and turning to God enabled her to “detach” from her husband. Her belief system began to work and now it is a habit. “Instead of trying to manage my husband I began to let go, to pray, to detach. It worked.”
She also started employing strategies that would change her Situation by creating a website and taking on private clients. This extra money could help her get on top again. She is also beginning to consider ways to earn money when she moves to a new community.
She tries to manage her reactions by using relaxation techniques, writing in a diary, talking with a counselor, and joining a support group.
All in all, Monique is facing her future embracing the ambiguity of what’s next instead of fighting it.
John is a young man who was in a partnership with two others in restoring an old farm that they hoped to sell. The partners began to disagree about how much each was doing. They began to think of dissolving the partnership. However, John argued that he had already invested a considerable amount of time and money in the project and had given up other work opportunities. How could he regain control?
John found that he could APPROACH this work transition as a learning experience and that it was not necessary to make a long-term commitment to it. This helped him view the experience as important for “learning the ropes” about restoration and about working in a partnership, and for understanding more about business. As he TOOK STOCK of his resources for dealing with the partner disagreement, he realized that his Situation was excellent. He had decided to enter this partnership to see if he wanted to become a contractor and restorer. At the same time he had other pressures: he was in school and he had a very low income. Despite these negatives, he appraised his Situation as good. His Supports were good. He had a live-in partner who would listen sympathetically as he recounted his aggravations and would actually help him at the property. In addition, his father knew a good deal about partnerships. In general, he felt pretty good about his Self.
But Johns Strategies for coping with new situations were limited. He often whined and complained and acted as if he could not control things that happened to him. To TAKE CHARGE, he realized that he needed to increase the number of Strategies he used. To do this, he asked himself, “Should I change them, think about them differently, manage my reactions to stress, or take no action?” John knew he needed to move from taking no action to taking action, learning to negotiate and assert himself. He actually TOOK CHARGE by suggesting that they dissolve the partnership. No one wanted that, so he started negotiations about different ways to work together that would be mutually beneficial. The problem is not resolved yet, but John feels as if he is doing something, not just complaining.
Amy felt totally overwhelmed. She said, “I get very overwhelmed with work and dealing with my three young children. I separated when my kids were one, six, and nine. Once the divorce was final, I decided to forge fast ahead—putting my house on the market, looking for a new neighborhood with good public schools.
“I tried to figure out what I could do to make money, be available to my kids, and keep my sanity. I decided on becoming a personal trainer. I signed up for the certification class, passed the exam, and spread the word. Within two years my schedule was filled.
“I wake up every day at 4:20 a.m. and am out my door by 5:30 a.m. My day is not over until 5 p.m. I come home beyond exhausted and all three kids run out to my car and start talking—yelling—at me at once. I deal with fighting, homework, screaming, and complete insanity when all I want to do is rest on the sofa because I am so exhausted.
“Looking at the 4 S System can explain why I am surviving this in good shape. My Situation is stressful but I use lots of coping Strategies. First, I am very organized. I have two calendars, make lists, pack my lunch at night, and arrange the children’s schedule the night before. I also talk to myself, telling myself that in a few hours things will settle down and I can start unwinding and get ready for bed. I try to plan a fun activity for myself on the weekends I do not have the kids. In addition I plan dinner with a friend every Wednesday night when my husband takes the kids. When I feel panicky about my work schedule, I tell myself to focus on one hour at a time.
“In addition to Strategies, I have wonderful support from my Mother and friends. They are there for me, and sometimes if a child gets sick my Mother will baby-sit. Actually, I feel very lucky. I am out of a bad marriage, am caring for my kids and myself. But it is overwhelming sometimes.”
There are many other instances of work/family conflicts and spillover. For example, the millions of grandparents raising grandchildren, single parents returning to school, or parents in two jobs with children arguing about who should take the day off when a child is ill. The cases are endless and each is idiosyncratic. But once again, the BIG question is what to do about it?
I assume that if everyone had a better understanding of work transitions, this could reduce stress and provide relief on the home front.
Work is a core experience in the life of almost every adult. Its undeniable importance is demonstrated by the fact that most of us spend about half our waking hours for the major part of our lives engaged in work. But work is too significant to be defined only in terms of the time spent on it, because where we work, the type of work we do, what we get paid for it, how we relate to other workers, and works impact on our personal and family lives all play a major role in defining our role in society. Work, in all its facets, dominates a major part of the life of most people.
Furthermore, the pace of technological change has turned the workplace and our work/family lives into a hotbed of transitions. Moen and Roehling described these: “Together, couples choose jobs, homes, parenthood, work hours, leisure, geographical moves, and commutes. . . . One spouses opportunities and constraints invariably affect the choices and options of others.”3
Your approach to change will be easier once you have a basic understanding of the transition process. Every transition does not alter your life in the same way. Some are big and alter all aspects of your life; others only change one aspect. Furthermore, transitions do not occur at only one point in time. Rather, each one is a process that reveals itself over time. Your reactions and emotions change from the beginning of that process to the time when you finally integrate the change into your life.
This knowledge can help you in two ways. First, just knowing that today is not forever, that your reactions will change over time, and that only you know if a transition is a major one, can be a comfort. However, you will see that you need different kinds of support and help, depending on where you are in the transition process. Let’s play this out for work/family transitions and see if this knowledge can help you approach your next work transition more effectively.
If we look at work transitions as processes over time, we can place them in one of three categories: moving in, moving through, and moving out. Your reactions as you move into a new job or a new family situation will differ from your reactions as you move through or out. In addition, the strategies you employ to smooth the transitions will differ depending on whether you are moving in, through, or out.
Whenever you take a new job, whether it is a first job, a new job at the same level, or a promotion, you need to “learn the ropes.” One man reported his confusion when on the first day of his job as administrative assistant his boss announced that “we have several meetings today.” When the boss got ready to go to the first meeting, the administrative assistant also prepared to attend. The boss quickly explained that the assistant was not to join him. In this case the new employee needed to get used to the language of the boss—that we really meant him, not the assistant.
In a similar case, the new vice president of a company was unaware of the informal expectation that all executives would eat in the executive dining room at a particular time. She kept making lunch dates with people she knew in other organizations. Some time passed before she realized that her lack of knowledge about the informal norms had been responsible for her being excluded from the inner circle. In another case a man reported his surprise when he learned the unwritten rule that he was expected to raise money to support his salary and his office—a matter that had never been mentioned during the job interviews and orientation. And most recently, I received a letter from a woman executive who had tracked her first day on a temporary assignment with an agency. She wrote:
“I felt a little like a schoolgirl going back to school after a summer vacation. I felt excited about the possibilities. I knew what to expect in general, but the specifics of a new class, and a new teacher were unknown. When I arrived, there was no formal welcoming but I have had enough jobs to know how to take care of myself. I quickly identified the person who could be the biggest help, the secretary to the head of the department. By allying with her, I realized that I would learn the rules and procedures. She made me feel at home.”
Meryl Louis, an organizational specialist, suggested that all newcomers to the workplace are in for a surprise about what is expected and, furthermore, that turnover and stress occur because of unrealistic, inflated, and unmet expectations.4 Your transition can be eased, however, when you realize that any new situation will probably evoke feelings of uncertainty and that each time you move into a new setting you will need to learn the ropes. Then you can seek help from an “informal socializing agent,” a colleague who can help you understand the procedures and expectations in your new employment; an individual experienced in the transition you are about to undertake. Just knowing that adjusting to transitions takes time and that your reactions will change as you are in the new work or family role will be some comfort.
We can apply the same principles to family and personal transitions. For example, the process of falling “in lust,” to falling in love, to forming a permanent bond is complex. At first, you need to learn the ropes. What does it mean to be committed? How do you behave? What is expected of you? And then for those who have a child, the adjustment to this entirely new situation can be overwhelming.
Jan and Al went through the stages of falling in lust and in love, to marriage. They were joined at the hip. Even buying gift wrapping involved togetherness, whether choosing the color of the paper, or deciding to wrap the gift or put it in a gift bag. Then, their planned-for baby arrived. Jan became besotted by the baby. At first, Al was involved. But after a few months he began feeling left out. Over time he became jealous of the baby. Al and Jan began fighting and falling out of lust and love.
As Newsweek reporter Lauren Picker reported, “Research shows that marriage takes a hit when baby makes three. Generation X parents in particular are reeling. According to a 2003 analysis of 90 studies involving 31,000 married people, the drop in marital satisfaction after the first baby’s birth is a staggering 42 percent larger among the current generation of parents than their predecessors.”5
Of course, there are many instances of mutual joy. But whether the new family situation results in joy, confusion, or upset, introducing a new person into the equation takes time and requires “learning the ropes.”
The same can be said for any life transition—divorce, returning to school, or even retiring. We often have no ready role models to tell us how to behave. As one widowed, retired woman said to me, “I am dating three men. What if one of them makes a move on me? What do I do?”
Getting through this initial period is less trying if you can get some extra doses of support. Some techniques include informational interviews with people in fields of interest. Such encounters can lead to informal mentoring, brainstorming, or counseling. I often suggest that those looking for work consider volunteering one day a week with a person or organization that is relevant to their interests. By making yourself invaluable, you might create a job for yourself. It is also helpful to connect with others in your same family situation. There are many support groups for first-time mothers, newly divorced, grandparents raising grandchildren. It helps to realize that you are not alone.
If the motto for those moving in is “learn the ropes,” the motto for those moving through could be “hang in there, baby!” After working in the same job for some time, many of us begin to lose enthusiasm for it, especially if we feel stuck and see no possibility of change or promotion. This can result in burnout.
Many have pointed to marriage burnout. John Gottman, marriage researcher and director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, studies couples who remain happy. He offers suggestions for how to reduce burnout and keep romance alive. He can also predict which couples will make it in the long run.
The increase in midlife divorces indicates marriage burnout. The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Women felt free at last and found the newfound independence rewarding. Men were upset by the split, fearing loss of contact with their children. In fact, a story in the New York Times, “Middle-Aged Men Find that It’s Cold on Mars,” quoted a number of men who had been blindsided by the divorce and felt lonely. One man exclaimed that the unwanted breakup would postpone his wanted retirement.6
Judith Bardwick suggested that bored employees confront three types of plateaus: structural, content, and life. Structural plateaus occur when an employee has no place to go in the organization itself, no new job possibilities, because of the structure of the organization. As an example, Bardwick described IBM, which at that time employed 383,000 employees, 44,000 managers, 6,000 middle managers, 1,400 executives, and 50 core leaders.7 Clearly, only a very small proportion of employees could continue to move up.
Of course, not everyone wants to move up. Many people are challenged by the work at hand, while others are unhappy doing the same work. I asked a clerical worker what she would do if there were no obstacles, and she answered, “Just what I am doing.” Yet, many clerical workers feel they are plateaued. In fact, clerical work is seen as a highly stressful occupation with high demand and low control. That is, workers are under enormous pressure and have little control over what they do and when.
However, many workers are bored because of job content; they have been doing the same job for a number of years. They know what to expect every day. The value of sabbaticals—academics’ chance to get away and retool—has been recognized by several other professions. But most professionals and blue-collar workers don’t have the luxury of taking a breather. For those who have some discretionary time in their jobs, boredom can be alleviated by assigning new activities while retaining the same jobs. For example, one employee had been doing the same job for fifteen years. She found out that her company had a tuition reimbursement plan and she entered a graduate program in counseling. As a result of taking courses, she instituted a planning seminar for the firms employees who were considering retirement. This added a new twist to what the organization regularly did. This enterprising employee had the same job and the same title but was engaging in new activities that energized her.
If you are fortunate enough to work in an organization that has a policy that encourages worker participation, you are less likely to be bored. According to many studies, workers consulted about how to improve their jobs and how to work cooperatively become more involved and productive. Unfortunately, most people don’t work in such forward-thinking organizations and need to redesign their jobs in other ways. One domestic worker does this by only accepting jobs in homes where she is encouraged to clean the house as she thinks best. She reports that many employers want to tell her what to do and when. She is good at her work and will not work in homes where all control is taken from her.
A midlife man, Jules, working as an engineer, fits into what Bardwick labels a life plateau.
“I just got this feeling that I’m kind of just dead-end. I got a job, it’s all right, but there is no future. And I see younger men getting ahead of me. Here I have a house, a mortgage. I don’t have the freedom to move as they do, but yet I get passed over for promotions. I got a good job, but it is going nowhere; it’s just absolutely becoming part of my life that I don’t like. I come to work, I do my job, I go home—there’s no challenge. . . . If only I saw someplace I could move, someplace I could go, someplace I could get ahead, do some of the things I really wanted to do when I started in this organization. . . . The kids are getting older, I’m becoming less necessary there. You look at this organization—I’m becoming less necessary here. I’ve got a lot to offer. I just don’t know what to do with it.”
Jules, bored with life, was experiencing a non-event. His daily routines were not changing, but something more basic was changing—the way he saw himself. He was seeing himself as a loser, as non-essential, as a person with no future. His roles and relationships changed when an employee who had previously worked for him became his supervisor. Many plateaued employees are experiencing non-events, but they lack the support that comes when transitions are more observable.
Jules felt that he was a fairly good coper, that he used lots of Strategies, and that he had good Supports at home. What he wanted to change was his Situation. He had several choices: talk with his boss and suggest a brainstorming session about how he could be more useful to the company; join a support group at his church called “So you’re having a mid-life crisis”; or seek career counseling and think systematically about what he really wanted to do with the rest of his life. If he did not want to take direct action, another possible approach would be to try to change the meaning of his work situation by telling himself that work is only one part of life and directly focusing more on strengthening his life outside work. He could also choose to manage his reactions to his work by relaxation or by putting everything on hold and doing nothing. In other words, he has lots of choices about how to take charge of his Situation.
Molly, a Peace Corps retiree, enrolled in my class on transitions, hoping that it would help her better understand and handle her own transition. As a volunteer she received extensive orientation, both to the country she would work in and to the overall norms and expectations of the Peace Corps. During her tenure she had had support from other volunteers and had never felt burned out. But leaving made her feel purposeless and depressed. The contrast of going from an environment in which she had felt she really mattered, was appreciated, and was noticed to one in which she was just an individual left her feeling “rudderless.” She had no help in coping with this leaving process and was confused about how to proceed.
The process of writing a paper about a proposed workshop for retiring Peace Corps volunteers was therapeutic for her and others. In fact, the Peace Corps is now offering a program to assist volunteers as they leave the corps and reenter their lives back home.
Meryl Louis compares the “leave-taking process . . . to closing out ledger books account by account, but without knowing until the process is actually occurring what the titles of the accounts . . . will be.”8
Whether you are fired or leave a job for a promotion, there is bound to be disruption in your life. One woman who voluntarily left one college presidency for another said, “My biggest surprise was depression. I had loved being at my former institution, but felt it was time to leave. I accepted a job at a more complex institution and was very excited about the new job. I expected sadness about leaving so many friends and colleagues. What I did not expect was the pain to continue. I have been gone for six months, and I still cry easily.”
College graduates, whose “work” for years has been studying, may experience some of the same problems of moving out as those leaving the workforce. For many, there is an inevitable letdown until a new sense of purpose can be articulated. The learners moving out are giving up classes, advisers, and the goal of “becoming,” but they may not have a clear vision of new goals. Change involves loss as well as gain. Grief often accompanies leaving one set of activities, even when the change is desired. There are contradictory impulses—a yearning for the past and a drive to formulate new agendas.
All through life you will undergo many work and family transitions. You will move into many new situations that require you to “learn the ropes.” You will also find yourself remaining in job or family situations where you need to develop strategies that will enable you to “hang in there.” Many times you will leave a job where your task is to “let go and reinvest.” There will also be times when you are trying to get in or out of a relationship, where you need help to “stay the course.”
Recognizing that work/family transitions are characterized by different needs as we move in, through, and out, we can apply the steps previously outlined in this book to master these changes. The key elements in achieving this mastery are APPROACHING CHANGE by understanding the transition process; TAKING STOCK of our resources for coping; and TAKING CHARGE by strengthening those resources.
Some Questions to Consider
Name your major issue: _______________________
Does it stem from work? Yes No
Does it stem from family? Yes No
What can you do about it? How can you bring balance to your work/life?