All of us face transitions or turning points in our lives. Wondering how to handle these journeys, live through them, and learn from them is what this book is about.
Many years ago, my husband and I decided that it was time to move. We planned the move carefully and managed to find jobs in another city where we had friends, colleagues, and children as stabilizing elements. Yet I was depressed for two years after moving. Why wasn’t I weathering this change I had sought? Why was it so hard? This experience prompted me to remember many other changes I had experienced in the past. I found it perplexing that in some instances I had coped successfully and felt like the rock of Gibraltar, while in others I had felt as if I might shatter. As I thought about other people who had experienced transitions like retirement, job change, and family change, I realized that they had also reacted differently, over time, to the same kinds of transitions. I began to search for ways to make sense out of how people cope with life’s ups and downs.
I asked my friend, Dr. Sue M. Smock, a sociologist, whether it was possible to develop a system that would be helpful to people in any kind of transition. Sue suggested a way to start: List all the factors that could possibly make a difference in how one copes with change. This list became the basis for my studies of people in transition. With different colleagues, I studied the experiences of people who were going through different types of transitions: men whose jobs had been eliminated, clerical workers who faced job and family changes, adult learners who were returning to school, couples who had moved geographically, adults who were caring for aging parents, people dealing with non-event transitions, and retirees finding new paths.
As a result of these studies—and others designed by scholars studying the adult years—I developed a structured approach that extends the ways people handle transitions and provides a road map for managing any change.
This is where you come in. Are you thinking about changing jobs, partners, or lifestyles? Are you beset by changes you don’t expect or want? Have you learned the hard way that times of transition are some of the most difficult in life? Are you excited about the possibility of a new relationship? Are you wondering whether to take early retirement? Do you really believe that adjustment to new conditions, good or bad, can be very difficult? Are you overwhelmed? If the answer is yes, this book can be of special help to you. It provides not just text, not just a theory, but an organized series of activities to help you gain control of your life. That means acquiring a new perspective on transitions, and developing strategies for dealing with them.
Overwhelmed: Coping with Life’s Ups and Downs wont tell you how to fix old houses, flabby thighs, shaky bank accounts, or a turbulent love life. It doesn’t promise spectacular results in ten minutes or even ten days. What it does is offer a way to think about some of the most challenging issues you now face and are likely to encounter in the years to come. In a nutshell, it tells you how to cope more effectively with the important changes in your life. I call these changes transitions.
Transitions are the changes—good or bad, expected or unexpected—that unsettle us. They may be prompted by a host of incidents—a move to a new city, a lost promotion, a new baby, the death of someone close, a financial windfall, an incapacitating accident or illness. These are things that can and do happen to everyone—male or female, rich or poor, young or old, black or white. Yet surprisingly, most people understand very little about transitions or how to manage them creatively.
Every day people face transitions in their lives that are as taxing psychologically as marathons are physically. And they do this with little or no training or preparation. Small wonder they’re often exhausted and overwhelmed. This need not be.
I’m convinced that even someone already in the beginning or middle of a transition can learn to meet the challenges with grace, skill, and mastery. That’s why I wrote this book. In it I present steps for you to APPROACH, TAKE STOCK, and TAKE CHARGE of a transition—any transition—so you can master it. As you will see, the book is organized around these steps:
Cases of real people (though not their actual names) are used throughout the book to illustrate the systems use in any situation. You can diagnose your coping resources and assess whether your balance of resources at this time makes the possibility of a change look feasible. If there are too many negatives, then you can introduce some strategies to strengthen your coping resources, enabling you to initiate the change at a more appropriate time. If you are weathering change, you can go through the same process—assess your coping resources, see what needs bolstering, and then use your coping strategies to help you handle this difficult time with more options, understanding, and control.
First, I examine what is common to all adults—the fact that they experience transitions, what those transitions are, and how they change our lives. We cannot predict when someone will marry, divorce, retire, or return to school, but we can say with certainty that all of us will experience and probably require some help in getting through transitions.
Second, having explored the commonalities and the differences in many types of transitions, I offer a method for coping with change systematically. That means all changes. This is not a one-solution recipe for change, but rather a method of arriving at the solution that is appropriate for you.
Third, this book integrates what is known from scholars and researchers into an understandable, practical package without requiring the reader to wade through many pages of technical jargon.
Fourth, this is not a substitute for seeking professional help from a counselor, psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, or member of the clergy. I believe that there are situations in which we do need professional help, and reading this book may assist you to decide for yourself if and when it’s necessary.
Fifth, the case histories—real stories—generously distributed throughout the book will show you how others handle the problems, challenges, and opportunities associated with change. You may not find a case that is the mirror image of your own, but you can gain confidence and competence as a result of these stories. You will begin to see that there is a structure for dealing with any life change. You will have at hand a system that can galvanize your will and energy for handling change, predict your readiness for change, measure your resources for dealing with changes that have occurred, and offer new strategies to make you more effective and creative in willing and weathering change.
Transitions are part and parcel of adult life. And so is the discomfort they can cause. They can disrupt your capacity to love, work, and play. But transitions needn’t be overwhelming. You can master your own transitions by understanding the transition process, recognizing and harnessing your own considerable coping strengths and skills, and selectively adding new ones.
YOUR STEPS IN MASTERING CHANGE
Approaching Change
• Identify your transition:
What it is
How it has changed your roles, routines, assumptions, relationships
The transition process: where you are
Taking Stock
• Assess your potential resources for coping with your transition:
Your four S’s—your Situation, Self, Supports, and Strategies
• Strengthen your coping resources by selecting appropriate coping strategies
• Develop an action plan
Profit from change: increase your options, understanding, and control