Frankie
After my long conversation with Gus, what I had already known was made even clearer—I had to go talk to Bonnie and put an end to this confusion.
At her house, she sat down on the loveseat across from the small fireplace. Her head sank to her hands as she struggled to look me in the eyes.
“How could you?” she strained.
“H—how could I what?” Waving my arms around, I paced back and forth, too agitated to settle down.
“Treat me like that!” she yelled, her face red.
“You gotta help me out here, Bonnie, because I’m fucking lost.”
“When I heard you had a guest over,” she narrowed her eyes, pointing an accusatory finger at me, “I thought to myself, okay, alright, just a fling!” She kept on nodding. “But to go over there and find her again? What is this? Are we over? Are you havin’ an affair with that woman?”
I felt the blood rush to my head. What the hell was she talking about? A fling? We? An affair?
Was she implying that she and I were in a relationship and that I was cheating?
Oh, she had another thing coming.
Shaking my head from side to side, I chuckled and forced my lips to pull sideways into a grin. It came out unsettling, I was sure.
“Bonnie, sweetie—” I raised my palms in a gesture to calm things down—myself before her, if I was being honest. “We were never really together, now, were we?”
Hopeful that she would show any semblance of agreeing, I covered the distance between us and went to sit next to her. On the edge of the sofa, yet close enough to stare into her eyes and search her face for some understanding.
“Wha—” She began to whimper, her chest rising and falling with uneven breaths. “But how could you say that?” she whined, shaking her hands at me. “We’ve known each other for over a year now, Frankie!”
“No?” I tilted my head. “No!” I repeated. “We met over a year ago, but Bonnie, really, except for that one time a couple of weeks ago, when was the last time we got together?”
“I see what’s goin’ on here.” She nodded, aggression shooting from her eyes like darts. “You were playin’ me ‘til some other chick came along all gussied up!” Widening her eyes, she made me look like the villain. “Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Downton, for bein’ such a pain in the ass!” Her voice trailed toward the end as her lower lip trembled. Before her shoulders began to shake, she lowered her face back into her palms and started to snuffle.
“But—Bonnie,” laying my hand over her back, I tried to soften my tone, “I remember usin’ protection that last time,” I whispered.
“I can’t believe you’re doin’ this to me!” she moaned, her shoulders shuddering harder.
I couldn’t see her face, but I almost believed her myself, which made the whole situation all the more uncomfortable.
“Listen, I’ll take care o’you and the baby if it’s mine.” I paused. “I promise.”
Lifting her gaze, she looked at me with eyes that were neither red nor wet. She wasn’t being herself in the slightest, rendering me suspicious.
“But we can’t be together, hon. It won’t be right.”
“’Cause now you got a new beau, huh?” She shot me a look filled with disgust. “You’re just another man, Frankie. Like the rest of ‘em.”
“This ain’t fair, Bonnie!” Anger was boiling within me, and I expended superhuman energy to not let it get the best of me. “We never said anythin’ ‘bout no relationship! You slept with other guys, too. Why does this seem like such a surprise now? Do you wanna live a lie? Well, I don’t! I can’t!”
Determination replaced fury as I mustered a commanding tone to put an end to her charade. I was committing to financially supporting her and the child, but I was never going to commit my heart—until that very weekend, I had thought it was mine to do with it as I pleased. But things had changed.
My heart now belonged to Lila, as shocking as that sounded.
A quiet moment loomed over the room, and with every cell in my being, I prayed that she would accept my offer and let things be. Much to my surprise, however, she did the last thing I had imagined.
“I need a thousand dollars.” Gazing ahead at nothing in particular, she pressed her lips into a thin line.
And I felt a lump form in my throat.
“Excuse me?” Narrowing my eyes, I wanted to know where that led to.
“For doctor’s appointments and whatnot. I got no insurance, and they say you should go every month.”
I didn’t walk around carrying that much cash in my pocket, which gave me a reasonable way out at the moment. The other face of that coin, however, was the fact that I really didn’t want to give her any money. Not until we were sure that what she was carrying was truly my child.
“I don’t have that kind’a cash on me, Bonnie!” I made sure to add a touch of gravity to my voice.
“If you don’t, then who would?” Sarcastically, she let a subtle smirk curl up the side of her lips.
Oh my God.
It finally hit me. Gus was right. Bonnie was only after my wealth.
“Go for your first visit and have them send me the bill.” Standing up, my stomach had turned and I felt like throwing up. “Walker handles these things faster than anyone, so don’t ya worry now.”
It was the only way I could shut her up and give myself the space to leave. While a part of me didn’t want to believe it, the other part saw it as clear as the sun.
My friendship with Bonnie and the good times we had shared was built on nothing but an elaborate plan to use me. I couldn’t think otherwise, even if I wanted to.
As I turned around and walked out the door, I didn’t feel the need to look behind me anymore. My position, name, and—I must admit—pride would never allow me to let myself fall prey to a sordid scheme of that sort.
Yes, I was a nice guy. Yes, I had been easygoing and generous.
But I wasn’t a fool, and Bonnie wasn’t going to use me the way she thought she could. Until certainty put an end to doubt, I owed her nothing more than that doctor’s appointment. And even that, I was paying for out of courtesy.
Disgust was eating me whole as I marched along her driveway and hopped on my horse, charging away faster than I normally would. I wanted to get as far away as possible from that toxic air that had filled the atmosphere.
I was now sure that I had been careful, but Bonnie thought she could make me doubt myself all the same.
In contrast, poor Lila had clearly been going to great lengths not to disturb me with a problem even she didn’t have a hand in creating.
By her own mother’s testimony, Lila suffered in silence. But in Bonnie’s case, was there even a baby to begin with? Suspicion was eating me up inside.
That day, I didn’t feel like working at all. Instead of resorting to my shed or running rounds at the ranch, I headed over to the barn where Walker had been working.
“Listen up.” I approached him with a grim expression on my face—a silent signal that I wasn’t ready to go into details. “A bill’s gonna come from the town clinic in Bonnie’s name. I want you to send ‘em the fees and put a lid on it.”
Puzzled, he stared at me from under the brim of his hat. It only lasted a second. “Whatever you say, boss.” He nodded and gave me a look that conveyed that he wasn’t going to ask any questions until I was ready to talk.
“Thanks.” I patted him on the back and walked out, not another word spoken.
For the rest of the week, I caught myself thinking about Lila more than I would have liked to admit. Whatever I was doing, my mind constantly kept going back to thoughts of her. That gorgeous face, that amazing body, that genuine interest in me and my life.
I wanted nothing more than to make her believe me about Bonnie and the whole thing. I craved her approval of me and my feelings for her. I wanted her to reciprocate.
For the first time in my life, I was convinced that a woman could absolve all my sins. In her hands—those gentle, warm hands—she held the key to my release.
But was she ever coming back?
When the weekend came around, I didn’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Hank had called about hanging out at the bar, but I turned him down with a lame excuse about having too much work. He knew better and I understood that he did. But the last thing I wanted was to socialize, or even worse, run into Bonnie and her friends.
Unable to tolerate my lonely house and my yearning for Lila’s presence, I fidgeted in every position. I paced around in my living room like a drug addict waiting for his fix. I tried working out, riding my horse, checking on the herd… nothing took my mind off of her. Late on Saturday afternoon, my phone began to ring.
Unrealistic as it was, I couldn’t help but pray that it was Lila. Instead, I was greeted by Gus’s voice.
“Hey, what are you up to?”
“Nothin’.”
“What do you mean, nothin’? How’d it go with Bon-Bon?”
“Not sure.”
“Tell ya what, why don’t I drop by and we talk ‘bout it over a glass or two?”
“Hey, that last one was a killer.”
“Did ya like it?”
“It was incredible.”
“I knew it. I got another one.”
“Hell—”
“I’m comin’ over.”
In less than an hour, my little brother was at my door with a brand new bottle of bourbon in his hand. The same kind that had given us one hell of a time and a murderous hangover.
“You… weren’t lyin’!” I nodded, both appreciatively and disapprovingly.
“Ain’t no better time than the present, big bro.” Strutting in, he placed the bottle down on the living room table before heading over to the kitchen. “But first, I’m in need of a brew.”
I watched him at the coffee machine, mindlessly preparing himself a cup while humming a song I couldn’t place. Always the hopeful one, no doubt he believed that no matter what way my problem had gone, we could still save the day.
“So?” He turned to me questioningly, “Do I have to drag it outta you?”
“Wha—Bonnie?” I tried to seem relaxed, so I leaned with my shoulder against the doorway. “I’m payin’ for her first doctor’s appointment, but that’s it. I ain’t commitin’ to nothin’ before we know what’s what.”
“And how’d ya figure you’ll do that?” Smirking, he cradled the mug between his hands and leaned with his back against the counter.
“There’s gotta be testin’ for that kind’a thing, am I right?” I shrugged.
“And what about Lila? Any word from ‘er?”
Exhaling sharply, I turned around and headed over to the living room. I pulled a glass from the cabinet by the fireplace and proceeded to open the bottle.
“Ain’t you gonna wait for me?” Gus smirked, raising his mug.
“Not today.” I chuckled, shaking my head as I poured myself a shot.
“Well?” He sat down, extending his long legs as he relaxed back in my large armchair.
“Well, the verdict’s out.” Sarcasm dripped from my twisting lips. “I love Lila. I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout ‘er and the idea I proposed that she’d spend summer vacation with me.”
“When’s that?”
“In a week or so.”
“Oh, man,” he chuckled, leaning forward and placing the cup on the table, “you reckon she’s fixin’ to do that after what happened with Bonnie?”
“I—I don’t know.” I shook my head, pressing my temple with two fingers. I took a sip; the burning taste was a welcome sensation. “I had a whole plan laid out for us.”
Tilting his head with a somewhat berating look, he pressed his lips and listened.
“I was thinkin’ someplace new… cultured and full o’things to see and appreciate. France, maybe?” I knew how hopeful I sounded. “She said she’s never been outta the country, and what’s more romantic than Paris?”
Laughing out loud, Gus was never one to tiptoe around anyone’s feelings. I shot him a stern look before looking away and back at my drink.
“Listen, Frankie, that all sounds great… and it would be quite tempting for a small-town girl. But let’s be realistic, here. It’s all too new and the woman thinks you’re havin’ a child with someone else. And the way she found out, well—” He exhaled sharply with a scoff.
“Less than ideal, I know,” I hissed, my eyes commanding that he would stop and return to his optimistic self.
“Hey, I ain’t sayin’ it’s not gonna work out…” He lifted a hand, while with the other, picked up his mug and chugged down the rest of his coffee. “But y’all should address the fuckin’ elephant in the room.”
“I know.”
Lost in contemplations of how that conversation would go, I didn’t know what my face looked like or how distressed I seemed. Gus, on the other hand, took his sweet time examining me as I fixed my eyes on a random spot on my Persian rug.
“Frankie?” he finally whispered.
I lifted up my eyes and said nothing, letting my expression convey how lost I was.
“Do you really love ‘er?”
“I think so.” This time, the solemnness in my own voice made me realize the gravity of my confession.
Feeling this way about one woman meant that I had to truly change everything about my life. No more random hookups. No more one night stands. No more blowing kisses to strange women I liked to meet.
And no more drinking to the point where I couldn’t see who I was with.
“That’s big,” he declared, mirroring my expression with the serious look in his eyes.
“Don’t seem that way with everyone else,” I mused.
“That’s because you ain’t anyone else, Frankie. Underneath it all, this is what you really wanted.”
Furrowing my eyebrows, I wondered where he got that idea. Had I been so obvious all along, or did he see it and not say anything?
“You may not say it often, hell,” he scoffed, pouring himself a drink, “you may have never said it to me… but I know. The kind’a life we had left no room for romantic attachment. And every man deals with it his own way, but I always knew.”
With my eyebrows still wrinkled, I watched his fingers as they clasped the glass, lifting it slowly toward his lips. He took a sip, while I waited for the rest of his declaration.
“You and your supernatural stories and glorified tragic heroes.” He smiled, scratching his nose. “It don’t amount to a hill o’beans when one can see that it’s all just a bunch of hidden romantic dreams waitin’ to be realized.”
As exposed as I was beginning to feel, I didn’t allow it to trigger my overinflated ego or put me on the defense. Instead—and that could have been the bourbon starting to take effect—I reveled in being seen and feeling understood by one of the closest people to me on Earth.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, I mean,” he briefly raised his hand before using it to smooth over his hair as he relaxed back, “I’ll still brag ‘bout my big brother’s escapades with the ladies ‘n’ all, but…” He chuckled, the vibrations he produced carrying a mix of nostalgia and pride.
“But?”
“I knew that all that outward happiness was just Novocaine. Somethin’ to pass the time ‘til you found what truly made you happy. Grounded you.”
“I dunno if I wanna hug ya or punch ya,” I spoke as if to myself, looking away once again, busying my eyes with examining an imaginary thing or another out the window.
“Hey,” he raised his voice an octave, “it’s gonna be alright.”
We locked eyes as I desperately searched in his deep irises for some truth to the statement.
How could I have ever hoped for a new beginning with Lila when I had no idea where my current situation would lead me? And how would she ever trust me after this, let alone open up to me about her own troubles?
Tangled and ill-fated, the circumstances didn’t seem conducive to a happy ending. But if I had learned anything from the past, it was that a man could never reach his goals without pushing against all odds.
Danny built his success when he ran away from home and created a future for himself. The rest of my brothers had never stopped working toward a better life, and when Danny came through with the chance to turn everything around, they seized the opportunity and rose up to the challenge.
And me?
I had been taking everything that was given to me like a granted right, wasting my time on empty relationships and meaningless sex. Even on the ranch, I took the easy way out and hired the best men money could employ.
I had been avoiding all sorts of responsibility, thinking that it was going to offer me freedom.
In reality, my hollow illusion of happiness had been feeding off of my very soul, leaving me wandering alone in a universe where chances of real love and true fulfillment came to those who fought for them.