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I ignored the blood on the carpet as best I could and opened the window to air out the kitchen of any baby smells that were tempting Ezra. I watched my father’s shoulders droop at the relief and the shame that followed. “Never do I loathe myself more than when my Matruculan tendencies come about.”
I draped my arm around his shoulders as he remained in his seat at the kitchen table. “Well I love you, no matter what shape you come in. Lion or king or dad or friend, I wouldn’t trade you for anything.” I planted a kiss atop his head. “Except a really good apple pie. Then it’s a tossup.”
Ezra clutched my fingers, and I could tell he was doing his best to smile through the pain. “I adore you, my girl. You’re all the medicine I need.”
I squeezed his fingers, then moved over to the fridge, dragging a chair and standing atop it to reach the small cupboard over the fridge. I frowned at the thin layer of dust I’d permitted to accumulate atop the new major appliance, knowing I’d come far from my days of dusting regularly. I pulled out the McClelland’s Scotch I reserved for my most sleepless nights, jumping when I felt Finn’s strong, but unsteady hands on my hips. “I could’ve gotten that down for you, you know.”
“Oh, thanks.” I sucked in my stomach when Finn lifted me off the chair and hugged me to him, letting my body slide down his front until my bare toes touched down. “You need to sit down, though. You just got hit in the head.”
Finn complied while I poured Ezra a glass of Scotch and glided it over to him. “For the pain you won’t admit to. I don’t have any pills in the house to help you.”
“Thank you, darling. This is just the ticket.”
I managed a smirk for him. “I have a feeling I could’ve given you expired orange juice, and you would’ve said the exact same thing.”
Ezra’s phone rang, and I knew it would be the first of many phone calls that wouldn’t allow him to rest. He cast me an apologetic glance before pulling his phone from his pocket. “Might I use one of the bedrooms to answer this?”
“Of course.” I motioned to Ollie’s room, which didn’t smell as much like baby since it was furthest away from mine and Von’s. Make yourself at home.” Finn and I helped him up, and acted like two crutches to guide him into Ollie’s bedroom. I fished around in my brother’s dresser for a change of clothes to lay on the bed, coming up with a business outfit and cozy pajamas, since I wasn’t sure which would make Ezra more comfortable. Ezra gave me too profuse a thanks, which meant he was starting to get himself back. Finn brought him his Scotch, and we shut him in the bedroom so he could go about his kingly duties.
I turned my attention to Finn, who sat back down at the kitchen table, leaning heavily on the surface. I cupped his chin and tilted his head upward so I could see once more how his pupils reacted to the light. Then I tested his reflexes and gave him various small tasks to ensure he was on the road to recovery. I tried not to feel his eyes on me, but it was impossible. “You’re so serious when you’re a nurse,” Finn commented. “I’m not sure I like seeing you go so long without smiling.”
I straightened and looked down on him, working up a decent calm expression since I couldn’t manage a smile. “My brother’s in the middle of a war.”
Finn tugged on my wrists, bringing me down to sit on his thigh, my legs draped between his. I knew I should protest for too many reasons, but it was all too much. I wanted comfort. Comfort, a bed, and the rest of that Scotch. I hadn’t slept even half a night through in so very long. Finn wrapped his arm around my back and leaned me to his chest, thumbing my cheek slowly. “I’ll find Ollie. I’ll port back down and run the whole way. It’ll make our trek to deliver the stone through Silo seem like a joke with how fast I’ll go. Just give me a few minutes to get my bearings back.”
“No. I don’t want to keep losing people. You’ll stay here. Mason going back down was stupid, but makes sense because he can run faster as a wolf. You can’t exactly swim the whole way. Stay.”
Finn’s fingers trailed down and lifted my right hand, studying my ring with an unfathomable expression that made him seem like he was very far away. “You’re getting married. I don’t know why even after a councilmember’s funeral and a war, this makes me saddest.” We both swallowed together. While I debated getting up to have some distance, Finn placed my hand back in my lap and held me tighter. “Is he good to you finally?”
I nodded into Finn’s neck. “Better than I deserve some days. It took us a while, but we’re getting better at the basics. It all feels so far away – the engagement, normal life. It’s been a steady stream of chaos lately.”
“Talk to me about the chaos. You look exhausted.”
“Well, Anastasia cries all night long, and then when she’s bored of that, she screams most of the day. Von and I haven’t slept in about a month. Then if it’s not her that cries through the night, it’s Danny waking me up with his nightmares. They’re not normal bad dreams. He doesn’t know where he is for a solid few minutes. He’s not used to dreaming on his own. He and Mariang have been dreamwalking for like, almost a decade. His mind’s all messed up at night. Not much better during the day, either.”
“I can’t imagine. Can you stay at the mansion for a few nights? Let Danny stay up with his daughter so you don’t have to hear her in his room?”
“Anastasia doesn’t sleep in Danny’s room. He’s never even held her.”
I stood from Finn’s lap and took down a glass, pouring myself a finger of Scotch. I sat next to Finn this time, feeling a little less whorish in my own chair. I shifted my black and gold dress, feeling like I was all dressed up for prom or something. I’d not gone to my own prom, so I’d never had need for a legit princess dress before. My breasts felt on display and my posture stayed straight of its own accord.
I took a drink, hoping anything would soothe me at this point. “Danny’s beside himself. He can barely put one foot in front of the other. He can’t take care of himself, much less a newborn. Ana sleeps in my room with Von and me. We’ve taken care of her from day one. It’s been good for us. You know, after losing September.” I drank more than a mouthful, wincing at the burn. “We get to pretend to do the parent thing until Danny gets back on his feet. Not sleeping is a small price to pay for getting to love my niece like a daughter.”
“But you’ve got enough on your plate without this keeping you up.” Finn brushed a stray curl away from my forehead with a gentle finger. I tried not to lose myself in his touch. He was only delicate with me, and after the funeral, the attack, and raising someone else’s baby, I was so very fragile.
I rubbed my eyes. “That’s only the half of it. I can’t actually go to sleep without Von anymore.”
Finn’s face soured. “Spare me the sonnets about how much your love for him has grown since he put the world’s most ridiculous diamond on your finger. People were talking about it all the way up to the casket.”
“Ha, ha. No, it’s that Sama will try to get into my dreams if I’m not with Von in my mind while I sleep. Sama can’t find me there if we’re dreamwalking.”
Finn’s shoulders lowered. “Oh. I forgot about that. So Von can’t even take the baby for a few hours to let you sleep.”
I took another drink, grimacing at the burn. “It’s all fine. I’m happy to do it. I love Anastasia. I’m just not as battle-ready as I used to be.”
“The whole point of being near me is that you never have to be battle-ready if I’m around.”
We gazed at each other for several beats, not saying the things that would only get us into trouble, and would do nothing but mess up the lives we’d both established for ourselves.
I finished my drink and moved to the cabinet under the sink, fishing around for the necessary supplies for cleaning blood out of the living room’s carpet. Finn stood and caught my arm, bringing me to stand in his embrace that quickly swallowed me. My bottle of cleanser and the paper towel roll fell to the tile floor when too many emotions swelled in my breast. “Send me away,” he whispered with a note of pained begging. “I won’t be able to leave if you don’t make me.”
“I live here with Von now. You and I don’t have a world we can live in together. You know that.”
He nodded. “You’re happy here? With him?”
“I am. Beneath the grieving, sleep-deprivation and whatnot, I am.”
“Then I’ll be off. I’ll look for Ollie and send him back first thing for you.”
I sunk into the hard chest I’d spent too much time tracing the muscular curves of. “No, Finn. You can’t go back there. You’ll never get there in time, and I don’t want you involved in any war.”
“How sweet that you think you can tell me not to fight. It’d be like me telling you not to fight. Impossible.” He leaned back, looking down at my face so he could study each slope of my tired and worn features. “I’ve tried being your friend, but it’s not enough. I want more of you,” he admitted, lowering his voice like he was telling both of us a secret. “If you let me, I’d forget the battle and stay here with you, making love and making a mess in your perfectly pressed sheets.” He thumbed the lower lip of my mouth that had dropped open. “I would stay if you asked me to, if you could offer some hope that would keep me here.” His other hand cupped my waist with his firm grip, his thumb stroking the dip in my hip through my dress. His touch had a note of possession to it, like he wanted to plant his flag and own my body with a single touch.
“Finn, we...” My protest was weak. I was weak, and we both knew it.
He spoke in a whisper that made me lean closer to hear the lusty words. His low growl made me press my chest to his, just so I could feel the rumble. “Sinta, you can’t wear dresses around me if you don’t want me to untie your stays with my teeth.” Then he lightly bit my earlobe, tugging gently as his fingers fondled my throat.
I shivered, my eyes fluttering shut as I lost myself in a moment I had no right to be in. “Don’t tempt me,” I begged, afraid the empty house might see us and tattle. “I’m too tired and emotionally wrecked to think clearly.”
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. “If you can be tempted, then I want your dress in a pile on the floor.” Before I could protest, Finn scooped me up in his arms, carrying me out of the kitchen and into the living room like a bride, heading for my bedroom.
That sure knocked the sense back into me. “Finn, wait! No. This can’t happen. I’m engaged to Von. Put me down.”
Finn stopped his beeline to the bedroom and slowly lowered my legs until my feet touched the carpet. “You’re driving me crazy! One minute we’re so close, and the next you’re a married woman. Tell me, did I ever have a shot?”
I touched my forehead as I tried to center myself. The alcohol was doing its trick to make me just stupid enough to engage in this conversation. “Don’t put this on me. You know I’m engaged. I told you as much. You’re the one saying things you know are going to make me melt. You’re the one trying when I told you not to. You think I’m jerking you around? You’re the one jerking me around! I was clear as crystal that I’m with Von, and you’re still... So stop it! It’s confusing me, and I don’t want to be confused. I want a normal life, dammit! Just let me have my Mr. Brady!”
Finn’s eyebrow rose at the last reference. “Fine. If what you want is staying up for weeks with a kid who isn’t yours, necking with a vampire who, make no mistake, will kill you someday, then fine. I can’t imagine how much you must love him if this is your idea of bliss.” He motioned around the house, and then crossed his arms over his chest. “If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want nothing more than this here with him, then I’ll leave you to your happiness.”
I looked up at him, utterly lost in my blur of Scotch and sleep-deprivation. “You think I’m happy? You think on the day of my sister’s funeral that happy’s even a thing I’m familiar with? You think it doesn’t rip me up inside to take care of a baby girl who isn’t mine because her dad’s too out of his mind to care?” I forgot myself and shoved Finn backwards. His eyes widened that I was so distraught, I’d resorted to pushing him around. “I wanted my daughter! I want to actually get married without Terraway pulling me in so many directions we can’t even set a date! I want peace and quiet and a whole mess of big fat nothing to fill my days with. I want Allie to wake up. I want...” Embarrassing tears sprang to my eyes, so I shoved Finn again out of sheer frustration. “I want to sleep! I want to be able to decide when and where and who with I fall asleep, but Terraway took that from me too! And now you want me to bring my chaos to your doorstep? You want to be with me when I’m this wrecked? Von’s already in it, but you can save yourself. Go, Finn! Go far away and be happy with someone who isn’t such a train wreck.”
I don’t know when it was that Finn’s mouth crashed onto mine, but when the living room disappeared from my vision, his lips and a crush of guilt were all I felt.