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Finn’s lips had the taste of the ocean to them, plump and delicious, just as I remembered. I hated that I knew how good kissing Finn felt. If it was all in my mind, I could talk the hype down, but he was an amazing kisser.
Finn’s passion pushed me to the living room wall next to my bedroom door, as green and silver started taunting my blurred vision. He pinned my arms next to my head, not bothering to be gentle or waste time with romance. It was all animal, and I was lost in the wild tangles of his appetite that only seemed to grow hungrier over time. The trumpet music of our psychedelic kiss started playing a frenzied tune. My heart raced with confusion and a thrill I had no way to wrestle into submission.
“I want you to say it,” he ordered between kisses, moving his lips to my neck and then my shoulder, pushing the capped sleeve of my dress out of the way so he could suck on my vulnerable skin. “Tell me you want me to take you into the bedroom.”
I couldn’t find words – at least not the right ones. I let out a breathy moan when his large hand gathered up my wrists and pinned them over my head against the wall, making me his willing prisoner through my haze of Scotch, grief and exhaustion.
“Tell me!” he demanded, reaching behind me with his other hand and tugging at the black ribbon that cinched my dress tighter and kept the whole heavy thing from falling down.
There were too many things racing through my head, but one truth surfaced above the others: I didn’t want to lose my virginity like this. Not cheating on my fiancé. Not with coitus interruptus being imminent. Not on my way to drunk and half out of my mind from sleep deprivation. “No, Finn!” I cried as he pulled the ribbon cinching my dress loose. My arms above my head kept my dress in place, but only just. I clutched it to my chest as Finn slowly let my arms down, hitting his decrescendo like a dying star. “We can’t. Not like this. Not ever. I’m engaged. I just... I can’t.” I hung my head, blinking the silver and green glitter from my vision. I had to raise my voice to be heard above the last of the trumpets that blasted through my insanity. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Finn’s eyes were still glazed over, and I could tell he was stuck in his hallucination. I hadn’t had a vision, so I knew that no matter how overpowering my feelings for Finn were, I wasn’t in love with him. I suspected as much, but it was nice to have it confirmed.
Or it was horrible, being that the only way to confirm it was to cheat on the man who was currently helping me raise my sister’s baby. Finn put his hand out and leaned heavily on the wall, his chest moving in and out as his pupils finally started to shrink to normal size. “I saw it all. Tell me you saw it too!”
I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, so I chickened out and shook my head, keeping my eyes on the floor so he didn’t see that I was on the verge of debasing myself by bursting into tears.
Finn let out a solitary growl of pain, slapping the wall behind me and making me jump. “I’m sorry, Finn! I shouldn’t have... I got caught up and I... It can’t happen. You know it can’t!”
Finn reassembled his bearings and glared at me, whirling me around with rough hands and pressing my front to the wall. He pulled the ribbon angrily as a sob escaped my lips. He worked quickly to tie my dress up again, so I wasn’t a breath away from being topless. Then he pressed his body to my back, smooshing me to the wall as he twined his fingers through mine and squeezed them above my head angrily. “I don’t ever want you to apologize to me for a kiss I wanted. Of all the things I want from you, an apology isn’t one of them.” He all but growled at me as he held me to the wall, making it difficult to breathe. “Say it. Say, ‘I kissed Finn, and I couldn’t get enough.’”
Humiliation engulfed me when I knew that he was right. My words came out choked, every syllable stuffed with shame. “I kissed you, and I couldn’t get enough.” My chin was quivering, but I knew I couldn’t let that be the parting message. “But it’s not enough. I’m marrying Von, and that’s not going to change just because I got confused when I was exhausted and had been drinking. It’s not enough to build a life on, and you know it.” I struggled against him, but he held me tight to the wall. “Let me go, Finn.”
He kept me there, but his tone turned to take on a note of pleading. “But I’ve seen that life. I see it so clearly when we kiss. You live in Dagat with me.” He mashed his face to my cheek, closing his eyes in desperation. I didn’t just hear his words, I felt them permeating my very being, soaking into my skin and clutching me around the throat. He hiked up the layers of my dress so he could grip my thigh, his fingers digging into the tender inner flesh to give my leg a rough massage. “I see our life together. We go swimming and laugh during the day, and read together before bed. We make love for hours. I’ve seen it all, sinta. You’re happy with me.”
“I belong to Terraway, Finn. I can’t be without my Pullers, and without me doing my job, you die!”
“But I love you. I die without you either way.”
A tear drooled out of the corner of my eye and landed on the bridge of his nose that ground into my face. It was too much. All of it was too much. “Let me go!” I cried, struggling with more conviction this time.
After a few seconds of internal debate, Finn released me, stepping backward so I could pull in a full breath again. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what I’ll do.” He shook his head as he wiped a tear from my face and smeared it over his heart in an X. “I’ll let you go. I love you too much to watch you be with him, to see you play house with someone else’s kid.” He studied my features as I faced him, trying to hold myself together.
Maybe I should’ve expected him to lean in for another kiss, but when my hand flew out and smacked him across the jaw with a loud “No!” the shock on both our faces was real. I stared at my hand, examining the oddity with horror. “Finn, I...”
Finn held his cheek, blinking in surprise that our relationship was capable of stooping to these depths. Neither of us moved for several weighted seconds while the uncertain waves shifted around us. Then Finn cleared his throat and stood at attention, transforming before my eyes from wayward lover to stiff soldier. “I’ll port down to Silo and make my way to the battle to see what assistance I can offer. Good evening, Lady October.” He bowed slightly, and before I could register the verbal slap he delivered me with his formal address, he vanished in front of my eyes.