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I didn’t dream for the longest time. Whole blankets of dark nothingness stretched out before me, separating me from time and awareness. My arm started to burn, and the only thing I saw was the mark of loyalty Kabayo had given me. The swirling Xs lit up in a brilliant blue that awakened me from my muted existence.
But that was all. I saw and felt nothing else. I was alone in my dark world, and though there was nothing to occupy myself with, the solitude felt like a warm blanket I couldn’t bring myself to part from. I rolled over on the floor of my mind and ignored anything that resembled reality.
I’d been through too much, lived too many lives of war. My hands were coated in Finn’s slick blood, so I clutched them to my chest, feeling the crinkle of the photo paper I couldn’t let go of. I couldn’t see our faces of adoration, gazing into each other’s eyes, but I knew they were there. I knew a whole life had existed in some alternate plane, and I’d lost it all. I’d lost Finn forever, and when I awoke, I knew I would lose Von for all the reasons I should.
The blood between my fingers was precious to me, so I clenched my fists to make sure I kept as much of Finn with me as I could. For all the handwashing I’d done in my life, I would swear off the obsessive habit forever if it would give me just a little more time with Finn.
He’d loved me, and I’d let him die. The logical side of my brain argued that I couldn’t have known that Philip had installed that failsafe in himself. But looking back at the many conversations Philip and I had shared, the hints were there. What megalomaniac wouldn’t use a failsafe? My rational side was gentle with my ocean of pain, assuring me that there was no way I could’ve leaped to the reality of the situation from that logic.
But I wasn’t logical, and holding onto Finn’s picture as tight as I was, I knew I wasn’t rational. I was in a world unto myself, drowning in guilt I knew I would never escape from. I shouldn’t have come to Finn’s country. I should’ve gone on my own, or taken a guide only so far. There was something in me I hadn’t been able to squelch that chased after Finn. Then as soon we finally caught each other, we were separated forever.
I’m sure life was going on, and the world still spun, but I wanted no part of it. I’d killed the thing I loved. The world didn’t need me muddying up the place.
So I stayed in my darkness, clutching the photo of Finn to my chest, and praying it was all a dream.
* * * *
TIME PASSED – I’M NOT sure how much, and the oddest thing about it was that I didn’t care. I felt my body being jostled at one point, nose flooded with the barn-ish smell of Kabayo intermingling with the ocean.
I clung to my photo, my fingers locking when someone or something tried to pry my hands open. I screamed and protested when the picture fell away from me as a wet rag swept over my hands, taking Finn away from me forever. I wondered if my protests were only in my mind. Perhaps my physical body was compliant with whatever fate had left to dole out in punishment for my many, many sins.
I searched for the picture, but as I suspected, the second I let go of Finn, he disappeared. I cursed myself for tripping over the entrance, pitching forward and dropping his hand. Maybe if I hadn’t, he’d still be here with me.
I heard a jumble of voices – explaining and then shouting. I heard the ocean, and then cars. More shouting.
I wanted no part of it – any of it. I wanted to sleep without Philip, without Finn, without Mason and even without Von. For once in my life, I held tight to my solitude, not letting anyone infiltrate it.
The abyss was my very best friend, muting all that I couldn’t face with my precious darkness that kept me warm. When I felt my body being shifted, I clung to the darkness, fighting with everything in me not to understand the voices that were aimed in my direction.
I didn’t want to hear any of it. I wanted to be alone, so the darkness was where I stayed.
* * * *
I DON’T KNOW WHY I let Mrs. Brady’s can-do chipper voice infiltrate my solitude, but suddenly there she was. She sat next to me in the darkness, lit by her sunny personality and all the parenting goodness she emanated even without a script.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her, sitting up for the first time in... I’m not exactly sure.
She shrugged, her hair perfectly coifed. She wore a cheery orange dress with a row of white sunshines decorating her slender waist. “What are you doing here?” she echoed.
I glanced around at the darkness that had become the best thing in my life. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m done. I’m not going back to that mess. This is my home now.”
Mrs. Brady looked around, appraising the nothingness. “I’m not sure this is fit to be anybody’s home. Don’t you want to go back to your life? Even with the bad spots, it’s got to be better than this.”
I shook my head and gathered my knees to my chest. Part of me felt a little bad that Mrs. Brady was sitting on the floor. I mean, I was a kid, but she was a lady, lowering herself so I didn’t have to hide alone. Mrs. Brady was good like that. “I don’t belong there. I keep breaking people.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing a little pie won’t fix. Alice told me she’s whipping up something good for you right now.”
I sighed dejectedly. “Thanks, but you’re not real. You probably shouldn’t be here. This isn’t really your scene. I’m like, nine kinds of depressed right now, and no amount of pie can fix that.”
“Not even blueberry rhubarb?” Her smile was always chipper and kind. It made me want to rally one in return, but I couldn’t muster a good enough representation.
“Not even blueberry rhubarb.”
Mrs. Brady stood, her knee-length dress never creasing. I don’t know how she did it. “Well, I tried. The next guy isn’t as pleasant as I am. I don’t think he’s baked a pie in his life.”
“You can tell whoever the next guy is that I’m not interested. I like this world best. There’s nothing I can break here, no one I can kill.”
“Suit yourself. I’ll save you a slice of pie, in case you change your mind.”
I waved her off, feeling a pang of guilt that I’d dismissed Mrs. Brady like she was an equal to me. She was light-years above me in every way, but I just couldn’t take the cheer-up smile that only depressed me further.
My chin lowered to rest on my knees that were still clutched to my chest. I didn’t think I could feel any lower, but there we were.
I’d let down Mrs. Brady.