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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!
What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!
What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!
Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!
What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep losing their needles!
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!
What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!
What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
The Elfabet.
What does Santa like to do in the garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe!
What do Santa’s elves drive?
Minivans.
What do Santa’s elves drink?
Minnesoda
What is Claustrophobia?
The fear of Santa Claus.
What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
Snowflakes.
What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
Sandy Claws
Where does the snowman hide his money?
In the snow bank
What type of cars do elves drive?
Toy-otas
Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
It needed to be trimmed
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less
What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?
Santa paws!!!
What are parents favorite Christmas carol?
Silent night!
What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!
What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?
Ice cream
Why do mummy’s like the holidays?
Because of all the wrapping!
Why don’t aliens celebrate Christmas?
Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
When does New Year’s Day come before Christmas Day?
Every year!
Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?
Because he is so cool!
Which reindeer likes to clean?
Comet
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
There’s "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep losing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
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What could be a perfect gift for the station master during Christmas?
Platform Shoes
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The month of December has something which no other month has- what id that?
The letter D.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Comet
Why did the elf go to school?
To learn his ELFabet
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What's black and white and red all over?
Santa covered with chimney soot
What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf?
Nothing, reindeer can't talk
Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
Santa walking backwards!
Why did the candy cane cross the road?
Because it wanted to get a licking!
What's red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down the hill
Why does Rudolph have a red nose?
Because he sneezes a lot!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle!
What's white, red and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!
Why did Jimmy's grades drop after the holidays?
Because everything was marked down!
What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
How do you scare a snowman?
You get a hairdryer!
How long should a reindeer's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
Why was Santa's helper depressed?
He had low ELF-esteem.
What's Santa's favorite candy?
Jolly Ranchers!
What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A Christmas Quacker.
Which of Santa's reindeer have bad manners?
Rude-olph!
Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?
Because only men would stand out in the snow without a coat.
What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
Which elf was the best singer?
ELFis Presley.
What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
"I'll have a boo Christmas without you."
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NOEL!
What is big, red and flies in the sky?
Santa Claus.
What is the cleanest reindeer called?
Comet.
What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a fire at the bottom?
Krisp Cringle.
Why were the kids afraid of Christmas?
Because of Santa Claws!
Who gives presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws.
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
"Aren't you tired of hanging around?"
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
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Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
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What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.
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Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
Because it's too far to walk.
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What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Forty feet of track - all straight!
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What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin.
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How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
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What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus!
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How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
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What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
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Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
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What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
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What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
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What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
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What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
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If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.
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Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said, "No L!"
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What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
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Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it " soots " him!
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What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
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Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
It’s true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
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Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
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How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
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Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
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What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
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What's a good holiday tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.