I cross the floor to my desk. My mouth almost waters to see the clean white paper neatly stacked on the left-hand corner. A jar of pens sits on the right-hand side.
I pinch a sheet off the paper stack and slide it into place in front of me. I’m strung so tight I can hardly see straight. I try to slow my breathing, but it’s no use. I’m like a stone bumping down a hill, picking up speed as I go. I need to feed my addiction.
I jab my hand into the pen jar, not caring whether I pull out a black, blue, green or red. I just need to get started. Is this how it feels to be addicted to drugs? I feel like I’ll never be able to get away from this.
I can barely uncap the pen before it hits the paper.
Saturday, September 27th
1. Help Mom set up for lunch
2. Eat lunch
I feel an instant pressure release. Like popping the top of a soda can after it’s been shaken.
3. Tidy up
4. Photocopy note-taking sheets for this week’s practice debate
5. Read Chapters 6 and 7 in Animal Farm. Margin notes
I savor the calm that washes over me.
6. Take Wookie for a walk
7. Schedule Wookie’s walks for the next three weeks
8. Write a letter to Bubbe (Butter tarts)
My pulse slows. I am getting organized. I am getting things under control.
9. Laundry
10. Movie night? Games night? Mom’s turn to decide
Just a couple more and I’ll head downstairs.
11. Review yearbook outline for vetting with Ms. Bartel
12. Audrey: debating tournament?
The thought of trying to talk to Audrey after making such an idiot of myself on Friday makes me nervous enough to want to write a list about things that make me nervous.
I glance at the clock. I have one more minute. I’ll make this one quick.
I take another sheet of paper.
Things That Make Me Nervous
1. People who drive too fast
2. Asking hot girls out (especially after I’ve made them run away)
3. Forgetting something important
My fingers fly across the page, capturing words almost as quickly as I can think them.
4. Shots at the nurse’s office
5. The first time I tell someone I’m Jewish
6. Talking with Dad
7. Anything with Dad
8. Sweating when I start to feel panicky
“Chick?” Mom’s voice calls up to me.
I yell loudly so she can hear me through the door. “Yeah, Mom! I’m coming. I’ll be down in, like, thirty seconds.”
“Okay, honey.”
I write faster.
9. Talking with Audrey
10. The two hours before a test or exam
11. Swimming in the ocean
I tap my pen against my teeth. One more, to make it a nice round dozen. I skim back over my list. Oh yeah. How about the most important one?
12. Needing to make lists to keep my anxiety under control
I realize that really that’s thirteen, not twelve. Maybe I should split them up?
“Tadeusz!”
“Okay, okay!” It’s a sign of impatience when Mom uses my full name. If she pulls out the Yosef, I’m done for.
I fumble for the key that’s magnetized to the underside of my desk. I unlock the bottom drawer and slide it open.
I drop in the lists and slide the drawer shut. I lock it and replace the key in its hiding spot.
I stretch, grin and crack my knuckles. My stress has vanished.
I feel awesome.
I actually skip across my room to go help Mom with lunch.